Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Who the hell wants to be a grownup?

"Cantcha ask me what cartoons I like?"

Dude, you've read my blog, what were you thinking? Or were you thinking at all? The Man From Noo Yawk has foolishly returned the taggery with this political volley that's going to severely test my resolve because I'm tempted to answer each one with permutations of 'are you fucking nuts/kidding me/stupid?'

1) What is your name (nickname, whatever you're comfortable sharing), your age (range), gender, occupation, income bracket (range), how you identify (gay/straight/whatever)? Married/Single/Divorced? Kids (how many)?

Randal, 35, guy, affiliated with matters of a bookly nature, struggling middle class (2 million is still middle class, right?), I dig chicks except my wife (just kidding), married with two lunatic, completely unplanned (hey, just like me!) offspring and three cats.

2) What are the most important issues to you in this presidential election and why?

They're all intertwined. Everything is about control. Resource control, economic control, social control, body control -- and not in that Mary Lou Retton/Mikhail Baryshnikov kind of way -- all while being fed shiny bullshit in order to numb the cerebral cortex so even more control can be exerted, the whole sordid program done with a smiling face thereby preventing the need for jackbooted thugs better seen in black and white movies, video games and World War Two reenactments in various Idaho towns. Thus, I'd rather see fumbling Dems in charge instead of evil oil men. Except on those days when I'm feeling extra nihilistic, 'cause if America voted for fuckers like this for a third straight time (yeah, yeah, Al Gore got more votes; was he Prez? No? Then shut up), then we deserve whatever worldly comeuppance breaks our collective jaw. Think of the excitement that would ensue! It would be just like an interactive horror movie!

Soylent green is on me, mes amis.

3) Why do you think voters should vote for Obama/Biden, what differentiates this ticket from McCain/Palin?

1. They're not clinically insane autocrats with anger management issues.
2. Their level of bloodthirsty is about the same as a typical American administration of the past.
3. They won't spend all of their time blowing the corporate sector.

Numbers 1, 2 and 3 are why I would be a bad choice to go door-to-door.

4) If McCain/Palin wins this election, where do you see our country going in the next four years?

To a lot of bars.

5) Economically, where do you think this country is today and how do you think Obama/Biden can make a positive impact?

In the septic tank. Worst case scenario, they won't be so blindingly obedient to big business our Chinese overlords, just mostly obedient. I'd love to see a serious slashing of the military budget, obviously including stuff that we don't officially keep track of, and a bunch of other commie pinko socialist crap in order to fix our infrastructure and provide all that touchy-feely hippie shit, but I'm not holding my breath because I'd pass out and I, unlike the typical Bush appointee, have to help other humans today. Stupid ones, such as the one I just helped. Fuck off, lunatic.

6) In the past 8-years, how do you think this country has changed under the Bush regime? Have you been affected by these changes? If so, in what ways?

We're a joke on the world stage, for starters -- not that we've ever lived up to our mythology, though we were at least a sort-of semi-benevolent empire in 2000 rather than the murderous gang of ultra-greedhounds we are now -- not to mention owned by the Chinese -- guess that's what Chimpy meant by the ownership society. Didn't tell us the society was on the other side of the earth. Though I wonder if being so brazen about fucking with right and wrong and in the affairs of other nations is actually worse than the cloak and dagger bullshit we hid for years. At least now the average dunderhead knows we've done evil, so that's an improvement, right? Good thing these perpetrators of obscene criminal behavior will be brought to justice.

Pigs can't fly without their leprechaun pilots! Don't be stupid.

Me, personally? It's harder to pay the bills and those medical ones seem to linger like that black mold inside your walls. As for all the police state junk that wingnuts like to say doesn't affect us regular shlubs -- you can protest all you want! Land of the free, home of the cheetohs eater! -- that's because there aren't any cameras around, you fucking tool. Why do you think they pull these roundup acts at gigs like the RNC and the WTO? Because folks with actual broadcasting power are there and the oligarchy wants the streets shiny with that fresh, clean smell.

I could rant and rave on my street corner and the worst that'll happen since I'm a white guy in a white town is, what, a citation for disorderly conduct and a fine while convincing no one of the dangers lurking out there because no one gives a fuck about the dangers lurking out there since they'd have no qualms whatsoever about sacrificing civil liberties if some brown-skinned fuckers unlucky to have been born in nation X, Y or Z get blown to bits or are stuck in sweatshops so we can save 38 cents at Wal-Mart on cheap kitchen trinkets and tube socks while ignoring the increasing costs of everything else because those brown-skinned fuckers wanted to chop off our heads and dance around the corpse while setting American flags and Toby Keith albums on fire? Ooh, fight the power.

We may read blogs, but the average clown watches fucking teevee.

"John McCain thinks you're stupid."

Barry, he ain't wrong.

And while you're at it, shut the fuck up about bipartisanship.

The word 'Republican' should be toxic. I'll be happy to shake their hand after they've wandered in the desert for, oh, forty years. There's your fucking Old Testament reference.

7) I have read that Palin is considered the new voice of feminism, which is offensive in my opinion. Of equal concern are her views on abortion and the removal of books from libraries. I'd like to know what you think about all of that and how you feel about McCain choosing Palin as a running mate. And what kind of message you think that sends to women?

If Palin is the new voice of feminism, I'm the quarterback for the Cleveland Browns. Don't get me started on the fucking censorship shit. I don't have to read your Bible, you don't have to read my 69 Ways to Find Cheap, Quality Porn Online. McCain is a joke of a candidate, everyone knows it, the wingnuts know it, so throw 'em a bone -- pun intended -- with a redblooded, MILF-y chick. Yes, it's okay if you ignore the streak of Cheneyism, because she's going places!

Let's do a half-assed comparison of Famous Politicians With Vaginas worthy of a Z-grade blog such as this one:

Hillary Clinton = Lisa Lionheart.
Sarah Palin = Malibu Stacy.

I'm guessing nearly everyone has been tagged by this thing, or is in the process of being tagged, so I tag both everyone and none of you.

Man, I need a fucking drink.


Christopher said...

The Missing Link.

Poor George got stuck along the evolutionary line.

Throw him a banana and he will peel it with his feet.

okjimm said...

Wowsers..... it is enough to drive a dude right to a Death-Fuck-Me-Metal Band.

A drink is better. Just relax. Read the latest Thomas Register. Chill, Bro.

Scarlet W. Blue said...

Ha. Funny stuff here.

Mary Ellen said...

Here ya go, Randal...I'll share my stash with you. You sound like you need it more than I do.

Randal Graves said...

christopher, I love those little ads you see on the side of websites: "George Bush's IQ is 125. Test yours!"

I think they forgot a decimal point.

Man, I hate that fucker.

okjimm, I'm almost out of here, then it's mucho metal on the bus ride home. But if you've got an extra beer, I'll take it!

SWB, don't worry, I'll correct that error tomorrow, I swear!

ME, awww, you're the best, Nunly.

Spartacus said...

Dude, I'm still trying to catch my breath after this rant. Wow! You raised the bar so high that I'll need a ten-foot stool just to share that drink with you. Nice job with the questions here man!

Tengrain said...

Bon, mom ami, bon!

well, you gave us all a piece of your valuable mind. I hope you have enough left over for your studies. Or whatever.



susan said...

If I had a stash I'd share it with you too. However, I'm willing and able to supply the munchies.

Dr. Zaius said...

"...Though I wonder if being so brazen about fucking with right and wrong and in the affairs of other nations is actually worse than the cloak and dagger bullshit we hid for years..."

I disagree. Cloak and dagger bullshit is much better. And it makes for better TV shows, too! Also, Palin is to feminism as Zaius is to brussel sprouts. (Ick!)

You know, the white text is so small on your blog's black background, I have to copy and paste it into a text editor just to be able to decipher it. It's blatant internet ageism! Only the keen eyes of young whippersnappers are able to decode your hilarious hieroglyphics. You are much funnier when you're legible, I must say! :o)

pissed off patricia said...

Thanks for making me one of the untagged ones. Isn't it about time you went all French on us again? It's been a while, ya know.

Christopher said...


For years, they've tried to teach Bush how to wipe his ass with toilet paper but it's just too complicated for him to master.

He's lucky he was born into a billion dollar, American political aristocracy, or he would be collecting ride tickets at a carnival for a living.

Candace said...

Heh - great rant, Dude! But hey, we're already IN an interactive horror show! Just sayin.

DivaJood said...

Um, Randal? Tell us what you really think. Don't hold back, now.

Randal Graves said...

spartacus, thanks man, all the rest of you gave thoughtful answers - though yours was getting a bit testy, heh heh. Next round is on me.

tengrain, pas de problème, our first test was yesterday. No need to use the brain for a bit!

susan, since I'm starving, that might work out better than a stash!

dr. zaius, as far as veggies go, brussel sprouts are pretty lame. Damn Belgians.

You know, I should have put up a picture of Dabny Coleman. I had a copy of the Cloak and Dagger boardgame when I was a kid.

As for the text, I'm starting to have to strain a bit myself. My hearing is long gone, but it might be time to get some bifocals!

POP, ask and ye shall receive. And I know better than to tag you.

christopher, dammit, you just invented a great kernel for a movie! Bush disappears after the inauguration and years later is discovered doing exactly that. I envision an Ernest Goes To The Circus kind of thing, but with Bush instead of the late, great Jim Varney.

candace, oh come on, we really need a lot more blood, don't you think? And some chainsaws!

Randal Graves said...

diva, I'll open next time, I promise.

La Belette Rouge said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Randal Graves said...

We don't condone violence at this site. We welcome it, we watch it, we eat popcorn during it and cheer when blood is spilled, but we don't condone it.

La Belette Rouge said...

Oh, no, you misunderstand. I was thinking more along the lines of Camille Paglia saying something really smart and then watching Palin's small bit of gray matter just oozing out of her ears when she tries to respond to Camille's cutting arguments. No physical contact. Just pure debate, like William F. Buckley used to do when he was on Firing Line.
I am totally anti-violence. I just want a real debate without deference. Is that too much to ask?;-)

Randal Graves said...

Dammit. I was all excited thinking you were more bloodthirsty than you've let on. ;-)

Angie said...

I'll meet you at the bar!

Katie Schwartz said...

You are so fucking irreverent and amazing. Why did I not know about this blog?!?!


I am so happy you did this! I love everything you wrote, it needed to be said and it is scathingly brilliant.

Suzi Riot said...

Lisa Lionheart vs Malibu Stacy. That is the best metaphor yet for how these two stack up to one another.

But don't ask me... I'm just a girl.

Also, math is hard.

American Hill BIlly said...

That was a funny pick of an idiot

Freida Bee said...

Randal- I say you go in there and steal the election yourself. No one would suspect a thing, especially if you speak french and act all deferential and then... POW! John McCain won't know what to think is you hit him with his own hemorrhoid medicine. (What a milestone. I just had to look up how to spell hemorrhoid for the first time.)

I liked reading a little of the real stuff between the snark.

FranIAm said...

Jesus on a waffle Randal! I hate it when you act all smart 'n shit because you actually are...

All smart 'n shit.

You blew this one out of the park baby, in the most amazing way.

I can't even really find a way to mock you and I can almost always find a way to mock you.

There is nothing really that funny about all of this though, is there?

Great job.

HelenWheels said...

"Soylent green is on me, mes amis." No, Soylent green IS you --- perhaps in the near future.

I'll meet you at the bars too. Yep. You nailed it.