Thirty days of suck IX: find me somebody to love (who won't eat my pizza rolls)

Sweet merciful crap, if it is allergies, then they've been replicating Godzilla: dormant for eons, awoken by nuclear testing, all Burr breaking Matchbox cars loose from dimestore plastic track.

So yeah, love is offspring & sometimes-better-halves & geeky friendshippery, but right now, my heart goes pitter-patter-thump-ouch for the below, though if you don't help --

-- I'm running away with this sulty cigaress.

Tomorrow, the horrors of youth, the tomb that births the undeath of adulthood.

Thirty days of suck VIII: habits aren't bad, they're just drawn that way

Yo, homeslice, 'tis to be un/pretty pictures, not all revealy. This is the last time I ever trust Georgiastan on anything! Harrumph! I'm taking a nap!

Li'l Edgar's Adventures in Wonderlessland

No, I don't have a drinking problem.
Think civil service pays enough to stay blotto?

Tomorrow, someone I dig, certainly not any of you bastards.

Thirty days of suck VII: you wouldn't know what crazy was if Charles Manson was eating fruit loops on your front porch

With all of mother nature's (mostly)non-industrial processed bounty having been devoured by CHUDs masquerading as lunatic offspring, & brilliantly anticipating that neither member of Local no. 13 would contribute today to the Peonage Victuals Cooperative*, I cheated: 

Good thing these are low-effort posts & save the jokes about how's that different because creativity's running on imaginary fumes. C'mon, rock &/or roll show, get here already. Tomorrow, something that is falsely advertised.

*though kudos for the cough drops, as I think I'm coming down with the deadly Motaba virus. Damn you, Discreeto Burrito-peddling monkeys.

Thirty days of suck: VI: we can be heroes

Sorry Bowser, no conquering the Mushroom Kingdom since I ate it.

We rocked down to Electric Avenue & we took it higher.

Merci, fungi.

Tomorrow, one of the other food groups. Not pizza rolls since I ate those, too.

Thirty days of suck V: might as well jump

Scottie, don't look down.

One more thing:

When I'm trying to help an obviously concussed bird (unless lying upside down is the new avian thing) shuffle out of a soon-to-be brah-encrusted doorway, no turning on the gas-powered leaf blower used to blow everything but leaves. I'm talking to you, Mr. Gas-Powered Leaf Blower Used To Blow Everything But Leaves.

Tomorrow, how low can you go.

Thirty days of suck IV: green without envy

I'm well aware that yesterday's farewell, today's post title, & the picture below conjure an image of Kermit the Frog, but I would like to present my first remembered exposure to rock &/or roll, a side B nugget off The Muppet Show album, way back when I was a wee scamp of a pre-K lad in the late 70s.



RAWK!

Tomorrow, flying high again.

Thirty days of suck III: obscured by clouds

But enough about me, finally,
though wait, this is animate. So what
if I lied, I like delta shuffling out of my mind
while still pining true for the other kind of Blue.

Tomorrow,  it ain't easy being green.


SPECIAL REMASTERED EDITION

'tis been three weeks since darkthroning mighty darkthroning, three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Where didst we go, right on?

Le cimetière, bien sûr. Excusez-moi, I'm a bit rusty.

A bit dusty.

Cleaning out the cobwebs.

Amazing how the muddy waters of work & faux scholarship are washed right out of my hair, though the rust did reappear. We strolled past a new Chinese restaurant/entertainment complex in the throes of construction which a nice older woman, after eyeballing us & concluding that we weren't a threat, told us is, hopefully, opening for business next month, glee to these ears, for the more Chinese cuisine, the merrier.

Approved snooping found odds, sods & ends; imposing Oriental baroque decor, the thick, gold & glass doors above all; grim animal statuary in a state of unpack; each scene immediately conjuring a Big Trouble In Little China motif, no more so than through the still-barred, second floor windows imprisoning the cooks whose wares, if not to the liking of the mahjong-shuffling Lady, would see them suffer a fate worse than the Hell Where People Are Skinned Alive: stuffed in a cargo container & shipped to an overseas animation studio.

Anyway, my shots were beyond poorly composed, we'll get 'em next time.

Thirty days of suck II: clothes make the man

Dueling banjos: first, I'm playing by the rules of the game, but I'll feel more comfortable when churning out inanimate objects, digitized. Second, the subject of my shirt, Rome from Luxembourg, I've got an ossuary to pick with your impending November newness: a triple disc, boxed, one hundred fifty-plus minutes of music, & you just know some of us overseas material culturalists will make do with one less internal organ to shell out the high scratch for it, so you owe us a fucking American tour. Do it for the League of Nations.

Tomorrow, easy like Saturday morning, suspended water.

Thirty days of suck I: the horseman, headless

Stuck on the last train to Harryclarkesville, watching my brain, recklessly pulled towards all the cardinal points, give up the ghost to ooze out the window, gobs of grey goo violently angled into the warping hedges the second they contact the air, something something. So, shamelessly purloined from a long-time internets homie, I initially hesitated due to national security issues, but after sleeping on it, baby baby, I slept on it, the clarity of an entire month of lazy man posting turned the tide, thus, yours truly. Sort of.

Tomorrow, or when this lackwit profanity gets around to it, fashionista.

Return to the mushroom kingdom

In light of errand running, chauffeuring the lunatic offspring to/from pretend learning, & copious amounts of grass cutting both foreign & domestic, I felt it was a stroke of mad genius to counter heart attack-inducing footie* couch potatoing with a morning stroll through the fungus.

*funny how Chelsea wasn't so staid whilst certain players johnterryfranklampard mostly rotted on the bench (if only Bayer could finish). That said, fuck Chelsea.

One of the nineteenth century's most famous courtesans wuz here.

Someday I'll be a real boy photographer. This was orange.

The village of jack o' lanterns has a new mayor.

Chez Randal.

Ditto.

Pretty ugly

Thought about resurrecting a blast from my blogging childhood, those halcyon days of Slingin' Derek, but then the dominoes fell like so much MechaNineleven laser blasts: Koschi the Deathless tussling with Ivar the Boneless in Baba Yaga's House of Mirth swear I'm gonna write that up one day, some bit about a psychic cat talking to Layne in the Great Hereafter, all that offensive offensive line play & hesitate & fourth quarter precipice jumping I jumped off a precipice in escape, & I came to realize that my prevailing mood is multiple, surging lava not rooted in said gridiron grotesquerie but I can't quite dig out where, underpinning a wakeful giddiness, rare & oft debilitating; today, tussling, each face assaulting the other, leaving me pretty ugly but with a Dennehy-as-Gacy grin.

No accounting for taste

Serving finger food would swell library coffers.

Needless to say, I was a little despondent about the melt down, but then, in the midst of my preparations for hari kiri, it came to me. It is possible to synthesize excited bromide in an argon matrix.

Sorry. Hangover.

Spiderman earns shekels for shutterbugging, Turkish Superman pines for bisection, Wonder Woman alternates between nurse, intelligence operative, & sultry vamp (young Randal's Lynda Carter fantasy certainly counts). Even the radioactive, the interstellar, the televised have to eat & pay the Skinemax bill, which is why I don't comprehend the irrational, near-universal hate (I've got piles of anecdotes) for one of season six's -- cheesy third leg MOTW FX aside -- most chortle-inducing episodes, Buffy's own Office Space or Spinal Tap, forty minutes that's only increased its yay! rating in light of recent Towering Slab fuckery.

Let's recap: Giles' big check is only going to go so far eliminating rancid health care debt, & if the Watchers' Council paid anything like the library -- anyway, so what's a college dropout to do? Collect ass slaps (the tips) waiting tables or sling burgers with OCD management types that find clarity in the dumb. Gee, sounds just like the library, except we serve scowls books:

MANNY: Watch these two.
BUFFY: Are they gonna do something?
MANNY: They're solid. Follow their example and you won't go wrong. They're lifers.
BUFFY: Lifers?
MANNY: In it for life. Like me. You wanna get something out of this, Buffy? You'll do the same. You put the work in, and ten years from now, you'll be where I am.
BUFFY: Wow. They're all so -- identical.
MANNY: Yeah. They all start to look the same to me too.
BUFFY: Oh, no, not the employees, the, the chicken slices. 

'tis verily a truth that because the Peonage are not OCD management types, all the employees do not look the same, provided we discount OCD management types who do. Plus, unlike the Duchess & the Earl, they wouldn't look swell in a catsuit & a bowler, respectively. [ed. note: are we still The Avengers, or a de-gender hegemonizing* Harold & Kumar, minus the wheelbarrows full of weed?]

*curse ye, Iron Lady

Inside joke numéro un (deux, en fait), Pilgrim's Progress how do you know what that's about:

MANNY: Drive-through station's over there. High pressure job, you won't need to go in there. Over there's the grills, the fryers, the walk-in freezer. You don't need to go in there either!

Inside joke numéro deux (ménage à trois), comradeship leads to bunga-bunga, dogs & cats living together, mass hysteria, & a drag after all three:

BUFFY: Fill this? I didn't know there was gonna be drug testing on this job.
GARY: You're funny. You better stop that.
BUFFY: Why?
GARY: Productivity. One of Manny's watch-words. 'Levity is the time-thief that picks the pocket of the company.'

Oh, gentle reader, but we do sell a product, we sell the joy of learning just enough to successfully regurgitate what the hermetically-sealed symposia peg wants to hear in order to spackle over cracked self-esteem. Those of you teachers who strut with a righteous swank, & you know who you are, are of course exempt from these poison darts.

Zombificaiton Ritual, or, everything I learned about librarianship I learned via a series of cliche-infested success journals barfed out by plastic, pill-popping MBA hacks:

BUFFY: So, what's the secret ingredient?
PHILIP: It's a meat process.
BUFFY: Well, what does that mean?
PHILIP: It's a process, they do it to the meat.
BUFFY: But, what is it?
PHILIP: It's just the name of the process.
BUFFY: Oh. Yeah. 

One could say that, as a high-powered heroine, Buffy could simply purloin victuals from the local branch of the multinational food processing concern, but in addition to forsaking her sacred duty, such shrinkage would only lead to laying off those who could ill afford it by the bottom line- & ivory backscratcher-obsessed, & as honorable a task as dismantling global capitalism would be, bloodsucking vampires. Wait, I might need to rethink this.

In conclusion, it's only appropriate that [spoiler alert] the cherry-pie chomping wig lady's supervillainy was a paralyzing toxin, a stark reminder of the monotony inherent in a post-industrial workplace, insert additional ivory tower gobbledygook here if you want I don't care because my expectations for a fair deal have been dulled after years spent at this soul-crushing, above-minimum-wage-but-not-that-much-above hellhole.

Never look a gift bookdrop in the mouth

Oh, so many bound repositories of knowledge both useless & useless to check in, if only Calgon could take me away -- wait! what booke I must needs read!

I hate when the bodies in the cellar leave the light on.

Dear Diary, Edward is so dreamy, and he's a Baron!

Scraping the bottom of the barrel leaves scratchy.

You can't stop scoff, you can only hope to contain it.

Man, that stuff's worse than nineleven.