Friday, August 31, 2007

Go fuck yourself.

Yes you, fucking soulless hack. And you, fucking spineless sellout fuck. Two sides of the same fucking coin. The chickenshit bully and the coward bullied. UnAmerican fucks. Both of you. Fuck off.

And you, too, nameless military-industrial complex toady fucker.

You can't kill the boogeyman

If Psycho birthed the modern Anglo-American horror movie, then Halloween is surely among its most accomplished, intelligent and enduring offspring. Oft duplicated, since exceeded in violence, grimness and gore, Halloween, unlike most of its diabolical children, retains an elemental, almost Jungian quality, the primordial image not of an archetype, but of evil itself: the dispassionate, eternal, unstoppable force in the Shape of man. Jung wrote that

archetypes are like riverbeds which dry up when the water deserts them, but which it can find again at any time. An archetype is like an old watercourse along which the water of life has flowed for centuries, digging a deep channel for itself. The longer it has flowed in this channel the more likely it is that sooner or later the water will return to its old bed.
Replace "water of life" with "fear" and we have a winner. The opening line of Lovecraft's celebrated essay, Supernatural Horror in Literature, declares that "the oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown." We fear the darkness and the unseen horrors that dwell within. Vampire, the drinker of blood, of life; berserkr, literally, bear-shirt, the animal spirit of man unleashed; these and other monsters are embodied in the faceless Shape, Michael Myers. He is not a man but an elemental force as natural as those ancient flowing currents, as tooth and claw, as the blowing wind, to which humanity is powerless to stop.

The first shot of Haddonfield is a bare street devoid of life, windswept - an early warning - the leaves helpless on the breeze. When Laurie Strode arrives at home and moves to shut her bedroom window hidden by the flowing curtains, she looks down to see the Shape, the primordial, natural force of evil. In Laurie we see the weakness and frailty of humanity that thinks itself safe from danger within its artificially constructed havens. And in time, we see its courage and resolve in the face of (super)natural danger, which can never be truly vanquished. No one knows this better than Dr. Sam Loomis, the learned psychiatrist, the wise sage whose only weapon is knowledge. Like Odin, who placed one of his eyes in Mimir's well - the boundary between the underworld and the one of gods, giants and humanity; a liminal space between darkness and light - Loomis, in exchange for this knowledge, traded in a false peace of mind for the understanding of the world between the stable and the insane, the sanitarium and its denizens. He confronts Michael, understands him as evil personified, once chained, now unbound, yet cannot stop him. The last shot we see of the doctor's face reveals that this is the payment for that forbidden knowledge. He knows that evil can never be eradicated.

Sunlit, yet unsettling, a layer of creepiness floods even the most innocuous scene. John Carpenter has talked about his debt to Chinatown and its use of blue backlighting, put to expert use throughout the growing darkness. The disjointed quality of Halloween, the chaos below the calm surface, is unmistakable. Through judicious use of first person camera shots, quotidian ambient sound and one of the most instantly recognizable - and, crucially, effective - soundtracks in movie history, Carpenter has used the tricks of his trade to craft an unbreakable snapshot of the inexorable force of evil. The star of the show isn't the discovery of new ways to physically wound, the camera lingering over the bloodied and disturbed flesh and bone; it's evil itself, lurking beyond sight, the noisome air your breathe demanding that you not so much ruminate on the myriad gruesome ways you can meet your end, but simply know that the end is coming, and soon; worst of all, the stark realization that there's not a goddamn thing you can do about it. That is what keeps Halloween, after nearly thirty years, at the top of the horror movie mountain.

Hence, my decidedly mixed feelings about the Rob Zombie-helmed remake which opens today. Who would dare to rerecord Revolver or Master of Reality or Physical Graffiti or London Calling in their entirety? Or film a new version of Citizen Kane or A Clockwork Orange or North By Northwest? Yet one of the bleakest, claustrophobic and enduring horror films of all time was Carpenter's own remake of The Thing and, aside from Halloween, the best representation of his oeuvre. The flexibility of film compared to other media allows for easier reinterpretations of the original version or the source material. Hell, even The Day the Earth Stood Still is going to be remade. Bastards! Just make it a good movie, okay? But please, let us refrain from ever speaking about the 1998 remake of Psycho itself.

Anyway, watching the trailer of the new version, the visuals are solid enough. The style certainly appears to be there within the couple of minutes allotted to the viewer. Whether the soul is as well, whether it pays homage to the thrills of the original where the mere hint of evil is enough to shake the bones or whether Mr. Zombie takes the easy way out, succumbing to the gratuitous and weak splatter of so many half-baked scares of the modern horror film, inflicted on an endless parade of one-dimensional characters, certainly remains to be seen. I fear that it'll be the latter, hence the bar of expectation being set about grave, er ground, level. Muahahahaha, etc, etc. Hope I'm wrong.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Is our military officials learning?

Iraq IS going swimmingly, Pentagon says.
My bank account DOES have millions of dollars, Randal says.
See how easy that is? You try it!

At the White House, officials argued that the GAO report, which was required by legislation President Bush signed last spring, was unrealistic because it assigned "pass or fail" grades to each benchmark, rather than assessing whether the Iraqis have made progress toward reaching the benchmark goals.
Hey, you fail the No Chicanery Left Behind standardized tests, you suffer the consequences.

Get the lead out

Given how sick he had been, he would've died soon enough, but it's hard not to wonder if, alotted a few more months on this all-but-insignificant ball of molten rock floating lonely in the vast cosmic deep, he couldn't have churned out one more immortal masterwork like the following.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Opposition would be costly

Good thing we're keeping our mouth shut.

President Bush plans to ask Congress next month for up to $50 billion in additional funding for the war in Iraq, a White House official said yesterday, a move that appears to reflect increasing administration confidence that it can fend off congressional calls for a rapid drawdown of U.S. forces.
The Democrats have been so resolute in fighting the madness of this administration tooth and nail! Why the sudden change of heart?
The request is being prepared now in the belief that Congress will be unlikely to balk so soon after hearing the two officials argue that there are promising developments in Iraq but that they need more time to solidify the progress that they have made, a congressional aide said.
Ah, now it's as clear and sparkling as the finest European crystal. After years and years of administration mouthpieces saying nothing like this whatsoever, speaking only the truth of the daily horrors our troops and the poor Iraqi citizens face from the well-organized monolith that is Al-Qaeda, the extreme shock to the system of finally turning a corner has effectively paralyzed the Democrats. Well played, Fate!

But what's with Bush failing to obfuscate in that special Texan way of his?
In a speech yesterday to the convention of the American Legion in Reno, Nev., Bush gave an optimistic assessment of recent events in the war, now in its fifth year. "There are unmistakable signs that our strategy is achieving the objectives we set out," he said.
There sure are.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Einstein's Warped Tour

"These neutron stars want to kill your children's space-time, David!"

Monday, August 27, 2007

Yawning is so tiring

"Chatter chatter chatter impeachment?"
"Chatter chatter chatter unnecessary."
"Chatter chatter chatter why?"
"Chatter chatter chatter resigned."

Wake me when he serves jailtime.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Brown derby

Once again it behooves me to temper the enthusiasm generated by quality quarterbacking - much of it against Denver's first team defense, no less! - by pointing out that the run defense, as last year, and the year before, and the year befzozzzzz.....oh, sorry. Where was I? Yes, the run defense remains as ineffectual as Democratic oversight of the crooks who run this country. And I completely understand that it's the preseason, but the fragile Cleveland sports psyche could've handled much better getting gashed by Travis Henry and Mike Bell instead of fullback Cecil Sapp and undrafted mystery man Selvin Young.

In any case, Frye showed enough to keep the starting job, mostly because that's where Crennel has had him the entire offseason and training camp - the Coin Flip Game notwithstanding, which he only won through the timely intervention of the Super Magical Jesus Baby. Praise Him! Quinn will likely be assigned the important task of guarding the clipboard and may see action sooner rather than later.

On a final note, it was a pleasant surprise to see Jamal Lewis looking so spry after a few injury-plagued campaigns. I'm certainly glad we only gave him a one-year deal, but for once, maybe we'll get our money's worth. Andre Rison, I'm looking at you.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Deathbed confession

Pete remains Perfect. My bad.

"Oh, the glass is most definitely half-full, sir."

Highway robbery

Hey feds, if you're going to get all hot and bothered about this, shouldn't you have about this? If only poor Mr. Prieto was a friend of Halliburton. Because if you're not....

"Cash rules everything around me!"
"What about me?"
"Shut the fuck up and smile for the camera."

Friday, August 24, 2007


After another week of loquacious Republican obfuscation,
sometimes Modest Mouse just doesn't fucking cut it.

Madness from the sea

It matters not whether the stars are right,
the blasphemous minions of Cthulhu may destroy us yet!

Report offers grim view of American leaders

I know that's not what it says, but that's certainly what it says. Oh, fear not, mes amis, the America-hating moonbats don't escape unscathed either from the Just and Godly Wrath of The Mighty NIE.

But the report also implicitly criticizes proposals offered by Democrats, including several presidential candidates, who have called for a withdrawal of American combat troops from Iraq by next year and for a major shift in the American approach, from manpower-intensive counterinsurgency operations to lower-profile efforts aimed at supporting Iraqi troops and carrying out quick-strike counterterrorism raids.
You bastards. You can't give it six more months, can you. It'll work this time. No, really. It will. I swear! Why are you looking at me that way?
Such a shift, the report says, would "erode security gains achieved thus far" and could return Iraq to a downward spiral of sectarian violence.
See, we have to stay the course lest we be responsible for even more death.
While the current strategy in Iraq has produced "measurable but uneven improvements" in security, it says,
One step forward, one step back. Cha, cha, cha.
the approach has done little to bridge sectarian divides in Iraq.
At least that spiral of sectarian violence has stopped rearing its multiple heads and no longer leaves a trail of refugees and bloody corpses in its wake. The surge worked.
The report also says that pulling American troops out of Iraq would most likely make things far worse.
That's right. Stay. The. Course. With just enough - horrors! - nuance to allow nitpicking, but disallow outright rejection by The Very Serious, it's almost like this report had been pre-approved by the Bush administration. It's a good thing they haven't politicized virtually every nook and crannie of the government.

And let's not even talk about this traitorous behavior
, nor the fact that it doesn't exactly mesh with the NIE. I know you were fired, Pete, but this rancor is uncalled for, and after all we've done for you, too. Why can't you be more like this lackey?

However, the article ended on a strange note of unintended veracity.
Adm. Michael G. Mullen, the incoming chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, told members of Congress last month that without political progress in Iraq, "no amount of troops in no amount of time will make much of a difference."
If you say that you are mine
I'll be here 'til the end of time
So you got to let know
Should I stay or should I go?

Whether you support the troops or hate them, the answer is quite obvious.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

UnAmerican is the new black

What a bunch of whiny, piss-their-pants cowards.

If McConnell really believes that Americans are going to die as a result of debating the FISA bill, then he cannot possibly mean that "sunshine's a good thing" here.
As long as the message remains the same (didn't you hear me? DEATH!) inconsequential details like facts and intellectual consistency are meaningless.
That would entail him blessing the needless deaths of Americans at the hands of super-adaptable terrorists who now know what procedures they can undertake to avoid detection from the NSA.
But this goes far beyond simple terror tactics. What Spencer Ackerman fails to point out - presumably because, at one point, Republicans were sane and, yes, I realize that I'm stretching the meaning of that word to the breaking point - is that's precisely what they want. This isn't news. These are sick fucking people, and their public mea culpas after they get called on it are as phony as fucking unicorns. In their limited Flash Gordon serial minds, we've always been at war with Eurasia and they must keep it that way and nothing would help the cause more than Americans on this side of the Atlantic getting blown to smithereens.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

"It's so hard for me to listen to you, I hate you all so much!"

"Guess we bit off more than we could chew."
"Quitters! That's why we lost 'Nam!"
"You want to lose the entire world?"

The Neocon Imperium and their associated wingnut minions aren't doing a very good job of staying on message.

The funny thing is, it doesn't mean a fucking thing. Not when you have this million-times-discredited narrative still poisoning the atmosphere, with these fuckers as the clean-up crew.

Rex Irae

I would love to see a tough-guy Republican hunt one of these guys.

A billion-to-one shot

Forget for a moment the fact that he's not Whitey. He's already proven himself to be deeply Unserious. Would you trust him with your foreign policy?

And now there's this. He's willing to throw away millions of votes!

Good luck trying to win the nomination showing even the smallest hints of principle and sanity, bub.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Pentagon to suspend nothing

One mode of spying down....

Eventually the Pentagon hopes to create a new system - not necessarily a database - to "streamline such threat reporting," according to a brief statement issued Tuesday.
...a new one to begin. So much easier this way, isn't it.

Won't someone PLEASE think of the children?!?!?!?

Bush doesn't.

In interviews, they [administration officials] said the changes were aimed at returning the Children's Health Insurance Program to its original focus on low-income children and to make sure the program did not become a substitute for private health coverage.
Ah, there's the rub.
In an interview today, Mr. Smith said: "The program was always meant for children in lower-income families. As states move higher up the income scale, it's more likely to substitute for private coverage.
Selfish Americans. Certainly can't be because private health insurance is so fucking expensive, or anything ludicrous like that.
As another precaution, Mr. Smith said, states wanting to cover children above 250 percent of the poverty level must show that "the number of children in the target population insured through private employers has not decreased by more than two percentage points over the prior five-year period.
Republican priorities:
1. Profit.
2. See no. 1.
In his letter, Mr. Smith said the new standards would apply to states that previously received federal approval to cover children with family incomes exceeding 250 percent of the poverty level. Such states should amend their state plans to meet federal expectations within 12 months, or the Bush administration "may pursue corrective action," Mr. Smith said.
See, I know people who know people.

Billions upon billions spent, wasted, lost, hidden on an illegal and immoral war and subsequent occupation, yet even this simple program makes them sweat profusely in their seersucker suits. The faintest whiff of anything but the "free" market, and they get the vapors. "Lord, this smacks of the Red!"

Okay, America, you know by now that Republicans are bloodthirsty, greedy warmongers for Jesus - which bothers you a little - and you think that by dismantling the Constitution they'll protect you from the evil Al-Qaeda (or the brown - shhhh!) underneath your bed - which bothers you less - but the follwing should be simple enough to understand even for those of you who voted for Bush. Twice.

Republicans HATE children.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Dissident aggressor

Who knew that trying to force something down someone's throat would get them to vomit all over you.

The elections went forward and Hamas won big. Now Bush was stuck with an avowed enemy of Israel governing Palestinian territories. And critics saw it as proof that the president's democracy agenda was dangerously naive.
Freedom is a messy thing.
Less than two months later, Vice President Cheney went to Lithuania to deliver the toughest U.S. indictment of Putin's leadership. But the next day, Cheney flew to oil-rich Kazakhstan and embraced its autocratic leader, Nursultan Nazarbayev, with not a word of criticism. The juxtaposition made the talk of democracy look phony and provided ammunition to the Kremlin.
And to anyone with a working brain and a rudimentary sense of morality. The agenda of this administration is themselves, and themselves alone. The rest of America has no place at the table. For some of you, if you sit long enough at their feet, you might get to chew on some of the old and stale scraps. For most? Try the kitchen floor. Or the garbage can out back.

Iraq has proven that you cannot force a Jeffersonian democracy on anyone. And you certainly cannot do that when that wasn't your goal in the first place and, after you announce that lie, you act like anything but one. Everyone knew, and knows, this. Excepting the stenographers in the media, the lunatic 30-percenters, and sadly, still, you.
As he sat down with opposition leaders from authoritarian societies around the world, he gave voice to his exasperation. "You're not the only dissident," Bush told Saad Eddin Ibrahim, a leader in the resistance to Egyptian president Hosni Mubarak. "I too am a dissident in Washington. Bureaucracy in the United States does not help change. It seems that Mubarak succeeded in brainswashing them."
Bush, since his days in Texas ever the champion of the little guy, the downtrodden, to this moment sees himself as Rebel-In-Chief fighting against the entrenched bureaucratic establishment full of east coast elitist bean counters and a hostile media not owned by conservative, monolithic conglomerates. Osama remains free because of red tape and incompetent generals. Iraq was, and is, a monumental clusterfuck because of defeatist, liberal talking heads. Hurricane Katrina running roughshod over New Orleans only proved that government is never the answer. Cognitive dissonance, they name is George W. Bush.

Somehow I doubt that the Gulf Coast citizens forgotten by an uncaring government, those who have lost their good-paying jobs to outsourcing, the thousands sick from tainted imports, the millions without health insurance while corporate profits continue to skyrocket, and the hundreds of thousands of Iraqis displaced would call him a dissident. I'm sure they're thinking of the same words that I am. As I'm sure the dead would be if only they could.

The Case of H.P. Lovecraft

Wait until the sun sets, falling silent
and the horizon hides in flick'ring light.
With shadowy pen, lurking fear is lent
a place haunting the dark, the blackest sight.
Tales of grotesque art, a burning eye -
there, on your doorstep, a thing? Listen long.
Look above to the stars, the Arkham sky,
hear the whispers' call - just pray that they're wrong.
Unearth courage and shew to the unknown
impressions from life, nightmares out of time.
The dead lie dreaming, yet freeze blood and bone -
a bare terrace - but look - terror sublime!
A head full of fright, sanity runs dry -
the stars are indeed right - our time is nigh!

Happy birthday, HPL.

"This sonnet is, without a doubt, the worst sonnet ever. Rest assured that I was on the internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world."

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Cynicism über alles

After reading this excellent post at Blognonymous that dismantles the naive desire for those of us non-Evil types to find any silver lining in something during the Neocon Imperium, I suddenly became depressed. No, not because Kvatch is right, but because I knew I would see the same dynamic played out in an arena of far more import:

Brady Quinn nearly rallies Browns, saves a drowning cat and finds a cure for cancer!

Woo. Believe me, on some level, I am excited. He's still in one piece. He also showed his leadership and moxie against guys who'll be out of the league in a couple of weeks. Will Quinn be starting at some point this year? Absolutely, most likely after the bye under the interim head coach. Will Quinn be a Pro Bowler during his career? The odds are pretty good. He's run a pro-style offense, he's played in big college games, he seems to not be a knucklehead and the ladies like him, and they vote for the Pro Bowl, too.

Being a Cleveland sports fan means one thing: expect the worst. If it hasn't happened yet, it will. If it has, then what's next but the worstest? The strategery of the Sports Gods is inscrutable. Don't be questioning those fuckers. Just sit back and enjoy the misery. No wonder this town is full of character. That's all we build.

Saturday, August 18, 2007


This was completely uncalled for. What did Li'l Bush do to provoke you?

I want you in one corner, and you in - stop it! - the other. What is with you children?

Mahmoud! Don't encourage them! Go to your room and think about what you've done. Ali Khameini! You little scamp, I hope you're not behind this!

Oh, these crazy kids. Just imagine how out-of-control and wacky the world would be if they ran their own countries! *Giggle, chuckle, laugh, chortle, wheeze, choke, dry heave, commence drinking*

Abortions for none, miniature American flags for everyone!

Mmmm. Red meat tasty.

That ought to shut up those bloviating about his laziness. What steely resolve! What saavy nerve! He may or may not get in, still not sure, but if he does - wait, what was the question again? Nevermind, it's nap time.

Speaking of a man who never sleeps, Rudy! worked 23-and-a-half hour days singlehandedly cleaning up Ground Zero, and believe you me, there wasn't a moment he didn't curse his frail human requirement for that 30 minutes of rest. Oh, to have been a superhero like Batman or Jesus or Ronald Reagan. Why, lord, why?!?!?

In case anyone was wondering, no, neither of these candidates will be hurt by their ridiculous political gaffes. Don't be silly.

Go about your business. That e.coli tainted food won't eat itself.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Unite-ary executive

I'm not sure this is what we had in mind.

According to Odierno, such an attack in 2006 "might have triggered a spiral of revenge killings, but, today, such horrific events actually unite Iraqis of different ethnicities and confessions in their outrage."
Hell, a few more blasts that slaughter hundreds and we will be able to finally leave that godforsaken, blood-soaked sandbox!
"Attacks against civilians are at a six-month low. IED (improvised explosive device) attacks are at a two-month decline and have a 45 percent found-and-clear rate. Civilian murders in Baghdad are down over 51 percent, reaching their lowest level since just before the Golden Mosque in Samarra was bombed in February 2006."
That's excellent to hear. I'm sure that's reflected in the casualty rate for the military, as well. We certainly strive to always be truthful about reporting such things. Additionally, since this was an extremely violent attack, just like that of the Golden Mosque, we can expect the number of attacks to increase, I mean, decrease. Sorry, almost blew that one!

So come on, secular Sunnis and Shiites, radical fundamentalists, ex-Baathists, Al-Qaeda, Mahdi Army, Iranian proxies, ex-KGB operatives, Blackwater mercenaries, Cobra Command, Klingons, Chickenhawk Brigade, sons of Mitt Romney and you too, Yazidi - if there are any of you left - come on and blow each other up just a little bit more. U.S. Army, see if you can't help everyone out. It's not like there aren't a couple of hundred thousand guns lying about the place. The sooner everyone dies, the sooner you all get to come home.

No Class

Sorry if the header misled you into thinking it was going to be footage of a Young Republicans convention.

The spy who loathed me

Let's play Republican word-hoard!

Mandate, noun,

1. That whole Bush-Saudi prince thing, already rehashed ad nauseum.
2. 50+1 in any election.

So when is a mandate not a mandate? When Big Brother says it isn't.
"This is not a mandate," Chertoff said. "A state doesn't have to do this, but if the state doesn't have - at the end of the day, at the end of the deadline - Real ID-compliant licenses then the state cannot expect that those licenses will be accepted for federal purposes."
You don't have to do this, just don't expect you'll be able to do some of the same things you could before as an American. Skeletor also claims that the DHS has no plans on creating a federal database. They also don't plan on working with corporate behemoth AT&T on gathering your in-country communications, nor on using satellites to keep an eye on you, either.

I trust them. Don't you?

"Filthy Americans, Greyskull is mine!"

Thursday, August 16, 2007

I'm sorry, so sorry

Remorse, faux or not, is in the air....

Accused attacker of Wiesel apologizes in court.
Titans QB Young apologizes for missing curfew.
Bills DE Hargrove apologizes for violating substance abuse policy.
Denmark apologizes for Viking raids on Emerald Isle.
(Man, I need to reread the sagas. Good stuff. Sorry, Ireland.)

The best one of them all...
Papau New Guinea apologizes for eating Fiji missionaries.

And, lastly, the one we'll never see...
Republicans apologize for being wrong on everything.

So until that imaginary day, America remains mildly perturbed...

The LEFT controls the Democrat Party! MUAHAHAHA!

It's true, we do!

This would make me mildly depressed if I wasn't already a complete filthy hippie commie - wow, even more of one than I had presumed; mind control does work! - pinko atheist cynic (I think that covers it.) We hate everything. Except the illegal drugs and the gay sex and the pornography and the flag burning and the radical Islam, of course.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

An upgrade

Given the fact that most, if not all, print content is on the intertubes these days, this doesn't change much of anything in a practical sense, but for us Clevelanders, it's nice to see, anyway. Terry Pluto really is one of the best in the business. Though methinks I'll skip his Super Magical Jesus Baby columns and stick with just the sports.

Dick, we hardly knew ye

Shorter Stephen F. Hayes: We haven't gotten attacked again because of Dick, and if we get attacked again, AND WE WILL, Dick will prevent the next one. And if we get attacked a third time, Dick will prevent the subsequent one. And if we.....*

Even shorter Stephen F. Hayes: Coincidence DOES imply causality!

The shortest Stephen F. Hayes: 9/11!

"The policies he has advocated have been controversial. But they have also been effective."

They certainly have! Really!

"With intelligence officials in Washington increasingly alarmed about the prospect of another major attack on the U.S. homeland, and public support for the Bush administration's anti-terror efforts reclaiming lost ground, we need more Dick Cheney."

The hook just isn't as catchy the 753rd time you hear the song. I need a bit more convincing.

"A little more than a year before the 9/11 attacks, while Bill Clinton [The Clenis!] was still president, Mr. Hayden dramatized the NSA's dilemma in congressional testimony. 'If, as we are speaking here this afternoon, Osama bin Laden, is walking...from Niagara Falls, Ontario, to Niagara Falls, New York, as he gets to the New York side, he is an 'American person.' And my agency must respect his rights against unreasonable search and seizure as provided by the Fourth Amendment to the Constitution.'"

I guess we couldn't, within the rule of law that we all love so dearly, detain a guy on the FBI's Most Wanted list if he was strolling across the border. For that, we would need double secret probation, I mean, rules. I, and everyone else I'm sure, is very glad you and Mr. Cheney have realized that. We're sorry for being such rubes.

Hayes also brings up The Great Blowtorch Plot of 2003 as evidence of success for the NSA's Terrorist Surveillance Program. Well played, Stephen! And look at this brilliant, humanizing passage that skilfully rises above the stagnant, populist swamp of irrational hatred unfairly directed at our Vice President day after day in spite of all he's done for us: "Mr. Cheney can be a very effective communicator. That doesn't mean he never makes mistakes. He does. (His prediction in 2005 that the insurgency in Iraq was in its "last throes" comes to mind.)"

Please, put down your morning coffee. I know it's hard to come to grips with the fact that Cheney could be wrong about anything, but humans do indeed make mistakes. At least he was right about our energy policy, about Saddam having WMDs, about the ties between the Iraqi dictator and Osama bin Laden, about the necessity for an expanded surveillance program without any real oversight by an independent body, about the immediate and dire threat posed by Iran. Wouldn't you agree that we're lucky to have him on our side?

But the burning question, the one that torments me without cease, that leaves me in tortured anguish at the injustice of it all, is why is the Vice President so unpopular? Luckily for us, Mr. Hayes answers with aplomb: "If Mr. Cheney's approval ratings are so abysmal, why increase his visibility? The answer is simple: because his low poll numbers are the result of his low profile."

Je comprends ! Because of his tireless efforts on behalf of American citizens throughout the world and the righteous cause of freedom that's a gift from The Almighty Himself, he stays behind the scenes where he is most effective. Yet this curses him with poor numbers. Why? We don't know him. Oh, he wants to be known, to be loved, but he will never give in to selfish human desires at the expense of the greater good. Oh, Mad, Mad, Mad World, what a cruel beast you are! Godspeed, Mr. Vice President!

*All quotes from the print version.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Satan's coming 'round the bend

Sellout. And this could've finally answered the age-old question: who's more worthy of blind worship, Super Magical Jesus Baby or Old Scratch.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Um, what?

I thought April Fools' Day was in April.

Allan Houston retired because he had an arthritic knee. Allan Houston still has an arthritic knee. Allan Houston will have an arthritic knee in October.

Mr. Ten Year Guaranteed Contract, I understand and sympathize that you're limited in what moves you are able to make because the General Manager fucked up in shelling out ridiculous amounts of money to a talented, yet inconsistent wing player, a perimeter bigman who left his stroke behind in the Great White North and a loudmouth shooter who can't shoot, but this guy will make Scot Pollard look servicable. And he was at least quotable. Allan Houston is milquetoast. With, you know, the whole arthritic knee thing.


He wants to spend more time with his family. The Corleones.

Cheers and guffaws aplenty are surely on their way to clog the left side of the internets. This resignation means nothing. He'll still be doing his 50+1 schtick, he'll still be overlording their proven strategy of attacking the strength of their opponents, and the Democrats will still fail to immediately strike back. A bully will bully until he's bloodied, and we're too afraid to muss up our hair.

He'll be in the public eye less, which means out of sight, out of mind for the complicit media, so this works perfectly for the Republicans. One less item they have to worry about during the campaign season where the only goal is to distance themselves from the Worst President Ever. Not that the masses have a true grasp on what a sick, twisted fuck Turdblossom is, anyway. Think this guy still won't be scheming on the taxpayer's dime? Think this guy will actually testify before Congress? I have a bridge over the Euphrates I want to sell you. As soon as I watch Rove frogmarched to jail.

Friday, August 10, 2007


Ah, August. When the humidity is stifling and you immediately sweat out the gallon of water you just chugged, leaving you even more thirsty than you were a minute ago. It's also the time of injury. And more injury. Oh, what the hell. Throw in a season-ending one, to boot. If Joe Thomas doesn't tear up his knee before the end of preseason, then what more evidence do you need for the existence of an Omniscient Bearded Guy Who Lives In The Clouds with the wrathfulness and the vengeance and the bloodrain and the 'hey hey hey it hurts me?'

Thursday, August 9, 2007

The suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked suck even more

One gets the distinct impression that if his sign had read anything but "Impeach Bush," none of this bullshit would've happened.

"Kent Safety Director William Lillich said similar tickets have been issued there, but he is not sure whether they involved commercial or political messages. He said candidates have been contacted and told to move inappropriately placed campaign signs."

It's certainly possible that Portage County deals with such matters differently than does Cuyahoga, but upon viewing the thousands of campaign signs, both official and partisan, that remain on public green spaces and tree lawns before, during and after elections, I find his statement laughable in the least, especially given what Kent city ordinance 503.02 Advertising on Public Property actually says. And the gentleman who cited him?

"[He] asked the police officer how his sign differed from realtors posting signs on public property saying 'This way to the house for sale.' He said the officer asked, 'You don't know the difference?' but never explained what it might be."

Why would he? We've been conditioned in this culture to allow corporate language through myriad media in every possible avenue of our lives, so anyone equating free speech of a political bent with that is viewed as aberrant. The business of America is business, indeed. If only Mr. Egler had been selling something.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Cocaine in short supply in Cleveland

Visitors, adjust vacation plans accordingly.

"Oh, expletive-deleted. The scarcity of the illegal drug does not mean that an end to the decades-long "War On Drugs" is near. Ah-roo!"

You don't say.

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your computers

This is pretty cool.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

The Mighty-Unknown Quinn

'bout time.
Or smart move.

Less chance to start this year means less chance of getting killed. Yes, the line is improved, but the Hogs they are not. Still, he'll make his money, since the incentives - 55%+ snaps in any two of the the first three years, or 70%+ in any one of the first three - are, barring injury, all but guaranteed to occur. We're finally gathering some quality pieces - Quinn, Winslow, Wimbley, Thomas, Steinbach, Bodden - but not enough to save Crennel's job, and certainly not enough to compete in a division where the other three teams are playoff calibre.

Cleveland doesn't always Rock

Liberal bloggers eat babies!

"Almost every White House hopeful tries to sound as if American troops will be out of Iraq moments after he or she takes office, regardless of how physically impossible or geopolitically improbable that might be."

Exactly. I don't know how many times that foppish Edwards has promised, if elected, to use his wonderful Breck Girl powers to levitate troops by the battalion out of Iraq on a fleet of Magical Flying Ponies in a Show of Spellbinding Sorcery that would take mere minutes. And just imagine how worse it would get if we did leave! Shudder!

"They're all promising to provide universal health care, raise taxes and take a tougher stand on trade. The Third Way policies espoused by former President Bill Clinton have largely been forgotten - even, it seems, by his wife."

Fools. Don't they know Americans love the current for-profit health care system, the runaway bank accounts of the obscenely rich that shouldn't be used instead on, oh, infrastructure, and the delicious, nutritious and safe e.coli imports that have cost thousands upon thousands of jobs? But wait. The Clenis in a positive light? Color me confused. I know us on the left are required to genuflect before the altar of bipartisanship - because there's nothing worse than being a partisan for the little guy - but this is Clinton we're talking about.

"Net-roots activists like their politics undiluted by moderation or pragmatism; they think that's the way to mobilize Democratic voters."

Whew! Messaging back on track. And it's a good thing that we didn't try to articulate our fringe, pot-addled anti-war views on the Democratic field in 2006. We might've - gasp - lost!

"They've forced Pelosi and Reid into a succession of failed anti-war measures that have demolished Congress' approval ratings. Unless the presidential candidates have more backbone, they risk being pushed into a corner that could help resuscitate the dispirited GOP."

Shorter Plain Dealer:
If only the Democrats would show less backbone, they'd show more backbone.

Since your offices aren't inside the beltway, it's okay to refrain from High Broderism. Morons.

Saturday, August 4, 2007

I pity the fools

"But on the other hand, when you don't take advantage of an opportunity, you can end up regretting it for the rest of your life."

"You're right, Marge. Just like the time I could've met Mr. T at the mall. The entire day I kept saying, 'I'll go a little later. I'll go a little later.' And then when I got there, they told me he had just left. And when I asked the mall guy if he would ever come back again, he said he didn't know. Well, I'm never going to let something like that happen again! I'm going into space right now!"

Thursday, August 2, 2007

The suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked

I'm well aware that 2004 proved how much suckitude my state is capable of, so I feel that it's my duty as an Ohioan to show you that your worries are completely unfounded. My state still sucks.

Just fucking stop it already

When you read fucking shit like this - not to mention this - you really do start to wonder if Bush eating a still-breathing baby on live network television, the torn flesh and crimson-stained innards sloshing at his feet on the freshly-manicured White House lawn like the hapless victims of some Cthulhuian monstrosity, is what's required to get the Democrats sufficiently pissed off enough to not give one more fucking inch to these amoral, bloodthirsty, self-loathing Automatons for Christ. You can't possibly be afraid of their cheetohs-munching followers. They already fucking hate you with a venomous passion no matter what you do or say or how you vote. Bush? NOBODY likes him. I'd love to declare that you should be afraid of the voters who are increasingly dissatisfied with your continued lack of concrete action on various fronts, though kudos on this - methinks I can still detect the faintest of heartbeats, after all. But since defunding the war is as probable as me winning a beauty contest, can we at least impeach Fredo already? As for the aforementioned people to whom this government is (supposedly) of, by and for, their approval might end up being out of your hands anyway. So just continue doing what you're doing because you're scared of [insert applicable fear]. Crime may not pay if you're an expendable underling, but it sure does if you're the top dog.