Ho-hum.

I had pondered penning a wondrous proposition proving the complex perfidy that proudly preens past, pressed hungrily against the patriotic potboiler whose purloined pseudonym is the pernicious Victory!®

but

since everyone knows insistent Iranian influence shall illuminate Iraq with such incandescence as to incinerate our irises, thus further inculcating an insidious incomprehension of inexorable intensity,

we are left with

naught but an endless gnawing of bloodstained grout found glissando on the greasy ground of our own greatest generational grotesquerie, the gurgling groan of greedy gullets its grimy elegy. Whatever, let's

rock and roll.

Cthulhu Bless America

Since we, the luckiest one percent of the one percent of all humans that have existed since The Lord God Smiter Of Heathen Nations first created Adam and his BBQ rib six millennia ago, are blessed to inhabit the Greatest Nation That Has Ever And Will Ever Exist And If You Disagree Unka Dick Will Come Out Of The REAL Undisclosed Location And Shoot You In The Face And Then Eat The Face Including The Buckshot Think Of It As Roughage Even Satan's Toady Wants To Be Regular, I felt it would behoove me to gallop through a celebratory list spurring on a frank and bean discussion of American Greatness and you can take that straight from the horse's mouth.

"What's with the cowboy theme? What happened to cosmic tentacles?"


















You got a problem with that, pilgrim pinko?



















1. Before I get started, I'd like to voice a mild public transportationista complaint. Years ago, when a driver employed by the Greater Cleveland RTA didn't show up for work for whatever reason -- sickness, oversleeping, broken alarm clock, hangover, post-freebase crash -- he or she was replaced for the day and ridership remained in sweet harmonic convergence with the road. Nowadays, that bus simply disappears off the map and you must wait for the next one. And to add insult to wounding, the fare is going up in the fall. Again.

"I hate to tell you, but it doesn't get much more American than that."

Increasingly crappy service with price hikes for the customer in this secular sleight-of-hand that will never get an influx of taxpayer cash because, well, duh, and therefore, Goldman Sachs, in its righteous indignation, would then unleash its extra-secret time machine in order to go back and purchase all of the stock actually worth anything these days before installing Barack Hussein Obama X, Thirteenth Baron of Kenya, as their Puppet King of this island earth and forcing us to round up the elderly for 1)utilizing their bodily fluids in a miracle program of unwashed mass mind control which could only lead to 2)post-haste soylent green production to fill warehouses with MREs ready to supply the soldiers of the as-yet-unannounced next war against tyrannical Tyrannosaurus tyranny?

"You bet."

USA! USA! USA!

2. Go fuck yourself, candy ass Norwegians. You think you've got the market cornered on fuzzy little bunny-destroying black metal? When's the last time you raped and pillaged and plundered, 1066?

Walk the talk. 2003, motherfuckers.



Frosty, rapid fire riffs, hammered downshift bludgeoning, brillo pad vocals.
'Tis a beautiful thing, sniff. Let's go kill something!

"You know no one will listen to that racket."

Are you now or have you ever been a discothequer?

USA! USA! USA!













3. Speaking of killing something, I will grudgingly admit to some disappointment in my fellow Real Americans®. Concerning all these health care town halls, pointing and shouting and heckling and moranizing as if you were in the front row at a Larry the Cable Guy show is fine and jim dandy, but if you truly want to get your point across,















make it hollow. Don't be like those Norwegians, and remember, guns don't kill people, health care kills people.

Except my Medicare!

That's right, gramps!

USA! USA! USA!











4. No, don't let me interrupt your flopping.

"But you like soccer."

Excusez-moi, effete Old European? I'll go through you like I go through goddamn coworkers.



Now that's a Man's sport, steroid flex, bulging head, myriad heath problems, disfigured flesh, death. Speaking of manly men of manliness (except for the Detroit Lions and Cleveland Browns), it's fantasy football time, you betcha. Send me an email and in return you receive the league ID and password, the key to future gridiron glory. The cheesehead must be dethroned!

Oh, go us and such.

Interesting conflicts

"I told you."

NaBloPoMoMrRoboto was a miserable failure thanks to a gruesome combination of home internets break it down hammer time! and the one thing I rate exceptionally at on a worldly scale, laziness, so instead of trying to come up with snark masquerading as insightful commentary on this --

Through seven years of war an exclusive club has quietly flourished at the intersection of network news and wartime commerce. Its members, mostly retired generals, have had a foot in both camps as influential network military analysts and defense industry rainmakers. It is a deeply opaque world, a place of privileged access to senior government officials, where war commentary can fit hand in glove with undisclosed commercial interests and network executives are sometimes oblivious to possible conflicts of interest.

-- I'll just remove the tinfoil and say 'duh.'

So, who we rattling the sabre at next week? I've got a suggestion: the Browns.

One bourbon, one scotch, one bomb.

Fuck all of your stupid political and military benchmarks, this is a real sign that things are getting back to normal in Iraq.

Iraqis no longer have to settle just for thick Turkish coffee, cardamom-laced tea, strawberry-flavored milk or bottled water to quench their summertime thirst. Beer and alcoholic beverages are readily available once again.

Bottoms up, Iraqis! And, um, duck.
















"Told ya it was a good idea to invade, heh, heh. Right, Unka Dick?"

But Mr. President,

During the era of the late dictator Saddam Hussein, drinking was common. After the U.S.-led invasion, however, violence and Islamic extremists forced most liquor shops to close for a while.

Oh, nevermind.

Bottom-of-the-bottle update:
Sonics fans, I feel your pain. Believe me, I do. A toast.

Fuck you, owners, the George Bushes of the sporting realm.

Land of Sunshine

Does life seem worthwhile to you?

HERE'S HOW TO ORDER!

Yes, hmm hmm, now for the next question --
Does emotional music have quite an effect on you?
Do you feel sometimes like age is against you?
Sing and rejoice and sing and rejoice
Yes, hmm hmm, that's interesting.
But tell me, do you often sing or whistle just for fun?
Do you feel sometimes like age is against you?
I, I can help -- I can help you -- I can help you help yourself!

Does life seem worthwhile to you?

HERE'S HOW TO ORDER!

Varicose
Comatose
Senile

Evidently obvious, patently apparent

"Stop! Hearing time!"

Please hammer, hurt 'em.

Democrats in the House of Representatives on Wednesday intend to use hearings on Iraq to hammer home what they think is a key political point: that the expense of the Iraq war is making it harder for the American economy to rebound.

Republicans are critical of Democrats' efforts to blame Iraq for the economy's doldrums.

Hey now, leftist kooks, that's not fair. It's not all Iraq's fault! Some other stuff happened, too. Sheesh. Don't you guys want VICTORY?

"This latest argument from Democratic leaders smacks of political opportunism at its very worst," said House Republican leader John Boehner, R-Ohio.

Is there a Kleenex in the house?

And I wonder what the over/under is on how long this guy will stick around. He sounds a bit too wishy-washy, don't you think? Fair trials? Cruel, coercive techniques? Everything's cruel according to you. Keeping him chained up in the backyard is cruel. Pulling on his tail is cruel. Yelling in his ears is cruel. Everything is cruel. So excuse me if I'm cruel!

Go back to Virginia, pinko. Perhaps we can get Yoo. It's not as if he has any meetings he'll be attending in the near future.

Poll dancing

Get your mind out of the gutter. I'm not talking about this kind --


















-- I'm talking about this kind:

















Apparently, in the jargon of the scienticians, we think America is currently in a state of suck.

Americans are more dissatisfied with the country’s direction than at any time since the New York Times/CBS News poll began asking about the subject in the early 1990s, according to the latest poll.

Oh, you goddamn lefty kooks, whine whine whine, bitch bitch bitch. It's the same thing every single time all while everything is fine. Rosy and peachy with a hint of chartreuse, in fact. Wait, what's that you say?

A majority of nearly every demographic and political group — Democrats and Republicans, men and women, residents of cities and rural areas, college graduates and those who finished only high school — say the United States is headed in the wrong direction. Seventy-eight percent of respondents said the country was worse off than five years ago; just 4 percent said it was better off.

Gasp! Wait, relax you say? Pourquoi ?

















"Because you like me, you really, really like me!"

Invasion of the body snatchers

Sure, the temperature is still a bit cool in Northeast Ohio, but I couldn't place why I began to shudder so, such bodily tectonics strangely allied with a hint of a piquant, vomity feeling climbing up the throat. Arriving at work, I immediately hung ten on the internets to find out if there was some heretofore underreported strain of the avian flu making the rounds.

It was something much, much worse.

President Bush is offering a fresh assessment of progress on political, security and economic fronts in Iraq as he weighs a decision on troop levels.

The president planned to use the National Museum of the United States Air Force in Dayton, Ohio, as the backdrop for his address.

Take it easy, Hangar 18 and put away your ray guns. You want fresh assessments? You got 'em, and just dig that rhythm!

The U.S. military spokesman in Baghdad also gave an upbeat assessment.

"Iraqi operations in Basra also reflect the growing ability of the Iraqi security forces, Iraqi decision-making and Iraqi leadership," said Maj. Gen. Kevin Bergner. He said that the operation wasn't against the Mahdi Army, only against outlaws who didn't honor Sadr's freeze.

Rikabi similarly said that the Iraqi government isn't targeting any political group or party, only "outlaws, the gangs and the murderers."

The situation on the ground suggested otherwise.

Hey, Captain Doom and Gloom, take some pills for your BDS. There'll soon be a new sheriff in town and at the end of his six-shooter is incontrovertible proof that when Al Qaeda blows shit up, you damn well better believe we won't need to stay forever because the Iraqis have things in hand and they can keep their oil because we sure don't want it.

Confused? Don't be! Come January 20, 2009, this twisted intrigue will be given crisp, reinvigorating clarity! Take a whiff. Damn right it's that just-out-of-the-showroom new car smell!























"I don't care what anyone says, but I did stay on the Straight Talk Express last night."

A political post? Oh, what the hell.

If this isn't proof that our Grand Clusterfuck was worth it, I don't know what is.

Not all anniversary assessments were as upbeat as Bush's. A Washington Post-ABC News poll showed nearly two-thirds of Americans believe the war was not worth waging.

Told about the poll result in an interview with ABC's "Good Morning America," Vice President Dick Cheney, in Oman after a visit to Iraq, said: "So?"

Awesome! Totally awesome! All right, Cheney!

It's time for another Mandate

No, not that kind...
















...this kind!

With its international mandate in Iraq set to expire in 11 months, the Bush administration will insist that the government in Baghdad give the United States broad authority to conduct combat operations and guarantee civilian contractors specific legal protections from Iraqi law, according to administration and military officials.

Let me translate that into English for everyone: you're going to let us do whatever the fuck we want, whether you like it or not.

This emerging American negotiating position faces a potential buzz saw of opposition from Iraq, with its fragmented Parliament, weak central government and deep sensitivities about being seen as a dependent state, according to these officials.

The mental image drawn up by the words 'buzz saw,' a churning, razor-sharp scarifier of lethality, kind of loses its edge when followed up by 'fragmented' and 'weak.' Not to mention the unspoken reality that Iraq is a dependent state. But what do I know. I'm just a naive, potsmoking, poem-writing, metalhead blogger. Dude, those are my corn chips...

At the same time, the administration faces opposition from Democrats at home, who warn that the agreements that the White House seeks would bind the next president by locking in Mr. Bush’s policies and a long-term military presence.

Oh, no! Not the Democrats! Why, they're nearly as unstoppable as the Washington Generals! Or the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers!

“These are going to be tough negotiations,” said one senior Bush administration official preparing for negotiations with the Iraqis. “They’re not supplicants.”

"Yes? Are you a new applicant?"
"Actually, I quit and I came to get my job back."
"Through there."

"So...come crawling back, eh?"
"Seems like the classy thing to do would be not to call attention to it."

Under an earlier agreement between the United States and Iraq, those contractors have been exempt from Iraqi law. Justice Department officials have said it is not clear whether any crimes committed by contractors in Iraq, including the role played by Blackwater employees in a September shooting in Baghdad, would be subject to American law, but the administration has taken steps intended to close any loopholes.

I'd like to know exactly how the administration has taken steps intended to close any loopholes. I'd also like a pony, a naked Alessandra Ambrosio waiting for me when I get back home from work in about two hours, some vintage Black Sabbath soundboard bootlegs, a few bottles of absinthe, the skill to craft memorable verse and a year's supply of Turtle Wax.

How do I love thee...

...let me count, er, I'm sorry, so very sorry, mon bon-bon Dana. Math has never been my strong suit. I have failed you once again, my dear.

Here, one last token of my love, this poem, before you leave me forever.

As you read these wretched words
praise your spin of the Gospel truth
in ways to help neither Iraqis nor Kurds,
but to further shine the spoon that rests on Bush's tooth,
I open my heart to thee, every artery and vein,
yet you block love's arrow like Claudio Reyna -
can't you see your absence is my very bane,
oh, won't you ever love me, sweet sweet Dana?

In today’s press briefing, a reporter asked White House Press Secretary Dana Perino about the new CBO estimate on the skyrocketing deficit. Perino didn’t have much of an answer, however, and simply replied, “Well, I don’t know how they come to all of their numbers at CBO. It’s a little bit — math is not my strong suit.”

Oh, Dana, this proves that we were made for each other!

How my soul doth sing once again!

Come closer, feel the thunderous beating of my heart! A kiss, for only you can cut through the lies - those terrible lies that once brought naught but acid rain upon your flaxen hair - and make the sun shine again!

I hardly think that the study is worth spending time on. It is so flawed, in terms of taking anything into context or including — they only looked at members of the administration, rather than looking at members of Congress or people around the world.

Because, as you’ll remember, we were part of a broad coalition of countries that deposed the dictator based on a collective understanding of the intelligence.

Yes, Oh God Yes! Others have lied too, so it's not that bad! You're all lying liars!

Oh, Dana, how clear everything is now, all the filth that you cleaned out of every corner of my being when you put on your galoshes and waded through the septic tank of democracy and cracked those fuzzy, freedom-loving little bunnies on their skulls!

Rumors of War

If I had a band, it'd be just like High on Fire: fucking ugly and fucking loud.

Oh, relax. They're only rumors.

It's not as if there exists a concerted, coordinated effort to:

1. Shamelessly promote mindless consumerism

2. Through enlisting the help of so-called allies

3. To divert attention from the greatest foreign policy fuck-up in American history

4. In order to vigorously prop up an even more scarifying cartoon supervillain

5. To maintain the numbing disinformation campaign of the status quo.

Jeez, you moonbats sure are gullible.

Truth or consequences

"Think we should let him out?"
"Why not. Let bygones be bygones, I always say!"

The following is a prime example of why I really don't fucking feel like subscribing to the progressive and humanist ideal of finding some common ground with those on the other side of the proverbial aisle at the moment. Which seems to be happening more often every day. Why? Because for a lot of them, and the entire administration itself, this doesn't bother them in the least.

Suddenly, on that May day in 2005, the copter dropped CS gas, a riot-control substance the American military in Iraq can use only under the strictest conditions and with the approval of top military commanders. An armored vehicle on the ground also released the gas, temporarily blinding drivers, passers-by and at least 10 American soldiers operating the checkpoint.

“This was decidedly uncool and very, very dangerous,” Capt. Kincy Clark of the Army, the senior officer at the scene, wrote later that day. “It’s not a good thing to cause soldiers who are standing guard against car bombs, snipers and suicide bombers to cover their faces, choke, cough and otherwise degrade our awareness.”

Yeah, uncool might not be my first fucking choice of word.

Golly gee, Beav, who might have been the perpetrator?

Both the helicopter and the vehicle involved in the incident at the Assassins’ Gate checkpoint were not from the United States military, but were part of a convoy operated by Blackwater Worldwide, the private security contractor that is under scrutiny for its role in a series of violent episodes in Iraq, including a September shooting in downtown Baghdad that left 17 Iraqis dead.

Blackwater. Being paid by your tax dollars.

Pissed off yet?

“You run into this issue time and again with Blackwater, where the rules that apply to the U.S. military don’t seem to apply to Blackwater,” said Scott L. Silliman, the executive director of the Center on Law, Ethics and National Security at the Duke University School of Law.

Is this your United States of America?

Blackwater says it was permitted to carry CS gas under its contract at the time with the State Department. According to a State Department official, the contract did not specifically authorize Blackwater personnel to carry or use CS, but it did not prohibit it.

Yes.

Army Staff Sgt. Kenny Mattingly also was puzzled. “We saw the Little Bird (Blackwater helicopter) come and hover right in front of the gate, and I saw one of the guys dropping a canister,” Sergeant Mattingly said in an interview. “There was no reason for dropping the CS gas. We didn’t hear any gunfire or anything. There was no incident under way.”

Chimp and Darth, we should listen to the army, right? Listen to that.

All of you fuckers on the right who support this either tacitly or openly, civilian or administration can fuck off and I hope your life turns into abject misery. I have nothing in common with you. Nothing. You are a poor excuse for a human being and if you dropped dead right now, the world would be better off. And all of you on the left who think the Democratic leadership is a viable alternative, let me know when the first high-ranking official associated with these fuckers is frogmarched off to jail. Henry Waxman can't fucking do it all by himself. But please, fucking save your change is slow/we don't have the votes/we're trying to win an election/they're trying the best they can/you're so naive/just have faith bullshit, because I've fucking heard it all before. The Reagan administration got away with fucking treason on a consistent basis only to be cowardly bailed out first by technicalities then by Bush. And now a new batch of fuckers runs the show, even more insidious than the psychopaths under Tricky Dick and the Saint, many of whom have returned to gorge with renewed greed on the living flesh of a fresh batch of humans both home and abroad.

Evil men will do evil things until they are prevented from doing them.

So how about you let me know when crime no longer pays.

And if by some miracle of miracles, a Democrat gains the White House, it's only temporary until the next Republican gets in, when the cycle will begin anew. And once more, after yet another slate of pardons for war criminals and traitors, that'll be the end of it and we'll be told that what the nation needs is healing. As we were told in 1974 and 1992.

Oh, by the way, any of you fuckers out there jonesing to get your rape on, apply for a job with KBR, also paid by your tax dollars. Apparently, there are no consequences. Noticing a theme?

I'm sick of healing. Aren't you?

It's always funny until someone gets hurt

And then it's just hilarious!

For the second day in a row, U.S. soldiers on Tuesday killed Iraqi civilians when they fired on a vehicle that they thought was a threat, the U.S. military said.

I can't wait to read the papers tomorrow, oh boy! Come on, three!

The back-to-back incidents come as U.S. and Iraqi officials prepare to negotiate a treaty that will set new rules to govern U.S. military activities in Iraq. The announcement of the negotiations was part of a "declaration of principles" that Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al Maliki and President Bush signed on Monday.

Hey, Al - can I call you Al? Well, I'm gonna - puppets can't speak unless spoken for, and the strings are around our fingers, not yours. Don't forget that.

Under the agreement, the U.N. authorization that permits U.S. troops to operate in the country will be extended for one final year. After that extension expires in December 2008, a U.S.-Iraq treaty will set the terms for continued U.S. operations.

Those terms are to be negotiated by July 31 and are likely to be influenced by growing Iraqi impatience with the deaths of civilians during U.S. military operations.

Democracy is messy, Al.

"There were big mistakes committed in these operations," Maliki said then. "The terrorist himself should be targeted, not his family."

This is a global war against Islamojihadfascistocaliphatepinkoism. Everyone is a terrorist, especially those guys, if you catch my drift. Rest easy, Al, I didn't mean you personally. Remember, you're one of us. Right? Right? Good.

Wahid said that the woman told him that the minibus stopped because the driver was injured. An American soldier ran over and quickly realized what had happened.

"We are sorry; we are so sorry," the soldier said.

Cheetohs guy: "Dude, remember when our fuckin' army shot that fuckin' bus and it fuckin' crashed and those ungrateful Iraqi fuckers burned up just like a fuckin' video game 'cause that's what happens when you fuckin' shoot shit?!?!"

Parents' basement guy: "Heh, heh, yeah, it's fuckin' cool to be put in a high-stress situation away from your family and friends for months or years on end with neither reasonable direction nor material help from the civilian politicians running the thing into the ground in the service of their unquenchable desire for blood and oil, heh heh."

Cheetohs guy: "Yeah, man, Semper fuckin' Fi!"

Parents' basement guy: "Yeah, we're Army strong! Dude, let's play some Halo."


Can they come home now?

Mo' murda?

No problemz!

Federal agents investigating the Sept. 16 episode in which Blackwater security personnel shot and killed 17 Iraqi civilians have found that at least 14 of the shootings were unjustified and violated deadly-force rules in effect for security contractors in Iraq, according to civilian and military officials briefed on the case.

Not surprising.

Prosecutors have yet to decide whether to seek indictments, and some officials have expressed pessimism that adequate criminal laws exist to enable them to charge any Blackwater employee with criminal wrongdoing. Spokesmen for the Justice Department and the F.B.I. declined to discuss the matter.

Also not surprising. Once more, some low-level flunky will be the fall guy. It was Lynndie England and other peons who, without any direction from above, were on a fucking-shit-up-and-snapping-photos bender in Tortureville. And it was Happy B. Triggerfinger who shot up some assuredly not-so-innocent Iraqis here. Bush, Rummy, Neidermeyer, honorable men, etc etc. Now, let us gaze into our Nostradamus-y ball of faux crystal - you ever price the real stuff? - and, defying the laws of the gods, written in the stars and seen by those who longingly look up at the eternal cosmos, peer with wizard-like hubris into....the future!

The case could be one of the first thorny issues to be decided by Michael B. Mukasey, who was sworn in as attorney general last week. He may be faced with a decision to turn down a prosecution on legal grounds at a time when a furor has erupted in Congress about the administration’s failure to hold security contractors accountable for their misdeeds.

Wow! I certainly didn't see that coming! Nor did I see even a hint of the shocking naivety displayed by Democratic Representative David E. Price of North Carolina:

Representative Price’s bill would extend the MEJA legislation to all contractors operating in war zones. The bill passed the house 389 to 30 last month and is now before the Senate.

He said it cannot be applied retroactively to the Sept. 16 case, but he said that the guards who killed the Iraqis must be brought to justice, under the War Crimes Act or some other law.

Psst, Dave, c'mere. There are no war crimes anymore.

You know, unless the other guy does it.

Double your pleasure

No, not with that you perverts, but with this:

A new study by congressional Democrats says "hidden costs" have driven the price of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan to about $1.5 trillion, The Washington Post reported on Tuesday.

That figure is nearly double the $804 billion the White House has spent or requested, according to the report by the Democratic staff of Congress's Joint Economic Committee, which examines the hidden costs of the wars, the Post said.

According to the panel, the hidden costs include higher oil prices, the expense of treating wounded veterans and interest payments on money borrowed to pay for the wars, the newspaper said.

The party of chicken littles once more crying about the falling heavens. Waaaah. Let's look at this rationally, shall we? First, higher oil prices means that oil is a very valuable commodity, and that the freedom of America is worth fighting for against the Islamojihad Caliphate that single-handedly controls the price of crude in the marketplace. Secondly, like we'd ever waste valuable warbucks on treating, rehabilitating and/or retraining those expendable fucks True American Heroes so they could become productive and valuable members of society once again - thank you for your service! There's a swanky gutter calling your name - and lastly, don't sweat that very complicated money thing. You didn't think we were taking in gobs of lead-laced Chinese goods simply out of the vileness of our hearts, did you? You're as naive as the soldiers we use as cannon fodder and political backdrops - thank you for your service once more!

And to show that I'm not being completely clothed in partisanship, let us ask these impartial observers who remain, along with yours truly, skeptical of yet another instance of crying wolf:

The experts said it is difficult to calculate the precise impact of the Iraq war on global oil prices. They also said it was speculative to estimate how much the war will cost over time because situations change daily on the battlefield, the Post reported.

Exactly. On Monday, Americans get blown up by IEDs, their bloody limbs, along with searing bits of white-hot metal, scattered far and wide throughout the oppressive sands; on Tuesday, Iraqis get slaughtered by helicopter machine gun fire, their bullet-riddled bodies to lie rotting in the overwhelming heat until found by a squadron on patrol; on Wednesday, Sunnis and/or Shiites get brutally assassinated by the other, stolen from their homes as their wives get raped and their children beaten, shot in cold blood, a warning to the rest of a village.

Yes, situations change daily on the battlefield. You remember Mad Libs, don't you? Just search the news to fill in the rest of the week!

In Iraq, every day is Halloween

It's always a plus when you find fewer corpses, no?

Maybe not.

Helps to read between the lines, doesn't i - oh, who am I kidding. Iraqi deaths mean as much now as they ever did. And just like voting, the only thing that matters is who's doing the counting.

Despite what the wingnuts say, us on the left do sincerely wish things in Iraq would improve. If there was only a Superman with the political chops and boundless energy to help us do exactly that. Oh, where could we ever find such an angel from beyond the stars....


















"I'll do it!"

*cue celebratory trumpets*

Diplomatic immunity

"Tell us what happened, and it'll be like nothing happened."

The investigators from the agency's investigative arm, the Bureau of Diplomatic Security, did not, however, have the authority to offer such immunity grants, the newspaper said, citing U.S. government officials.

The offers represent a potentially serious investigative misstep that could complicate efforts to prosecute Blackwater employees involved in the incident, the newspaper said.

What serious investigative misstep? That instead of a few low-level peons getting punished, no one gets punished? Because booting a few buck privates out of the army sure has cleaned up our operations and our image throughout the world, hasn't it. So put your worries to rest, Neidermeyer, there will be no interruption to your teenage Rambo fantasies.

Mirror, mirror on the wall

Who's the lyingest of them all?

"There is an Iranian history of obfuscation and, indeed, lying to the IAEA," she said, referring to the International Atomic Energy Agency.

"There is a history of Iran not answering important questions about what is going on and there is Iran pursuing nuclear technologies that can lead to nuclear weapons-grade material," Rice told reporters aboard her plane as she headed to Moscow.

We certainly have the moral high ground here, with our complete lack of verbal prestidigitation and physical legerdemain throughout the long and storied history of our beloved shining city on a hill, a beacon to all the downtrodden of the world, notably those swarthy types who live on top of our oil most disadvantaged by the cruel vagaries of fate whose strings are controlled by the dark puppetmaster of the infernal depths, Satan.

Oh, how that beaming sun of democracy and freedom has shone brightest within the last six glorious years, the most spectacular and heartwarming show of trust and love towards our brothers and sisters across the seas and throughout all of the Lord's domain since the dawn of time, Amen.

Which is precisely why, lying or not, Iran would probably like some fucking nukes. Would you trust us? It's too bad they'd pose such a threat as to dwarf the measly two or three ICBMs pointed at us for about 40 years, making us all wet our pants and hide under Bill Kristol's bed. Not sure if there's enough room for 300 million, but by gosh, we'll sure try!

Camera obscura

I always feel like someone's watching me.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice on Friday ordered tighter controls on U.S. security contractor Blackwater, including putting cameras on its convoys, after last month's deadly shootings in Iraq.

State Department spokesman Sean McCormack said dozens of diplomatic security agents would also be sent to Iraq to accompany each convoy protected by Blackwater guards.

Soft words followed by harsh, decisive action. Teddy would be so proud. But, how will American bloodlust be sated now?

The new measures will apply only to Blackwater and not to two other key State Department security contractors in Iraq, Triple Canopy and DynCorp, McCormack said.

Whew! That was close. At least the circus of Terminators can continue spreading frivolity throughout the desert sands covering our oil of the free Iraqi people. They're no Blackwater to be sure but, hey, who can be? Though please, tell me more about these Very Special People you mentioned earlier.

Special agents would begin immediately accompanying Blackwater when the firm transports U.S. diplomatic personnel outside the fortified international zone, McCormack said.

I know what you're thinking. What about when Blackwater isn't transporting U.S. diplomatic personnel, but is out and a-viking about? Not to worry. They'll make sure any incriminating footage gets into the right hands.