Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Tales of Terror

The curtain of twilight will drop in thirteen short hours, and after the life-giving sun, protector of all that is righteous and holy, slips beneath the horizon to settle into a deep sleep, pitch-black Walpurgisnacht arrives when the witches -- you know, left-wing chicks -- emerge from the cthonic shadows to begin their blasphemous sacrifice of the tiniest, most sweetestest babies in the history of the world to satisfy the insatiable, flesh-hungry maw of The Dark Lord, draped in a darkness so dark, you wouldn't be able to see anything in that darkest dark even if you had one of those industrial-strength flashlights, the kind they sometimes sell at Home Depot.

So in honor of this poor man's Halloween without candy, I offer to you this chilling tale that will curdle your blood and freeze your bones.

*whoosh! whoosh!*

That was a spooky wind sound. Not scary enough for you?

How about this:

Scared yet?

Brit: On today's show, Sean Hannity, Chris Matthews, Bill O'Reilly and myself will be talking about the issues of the day that are of vital import to each and every American: Barack Obama's patriotism problem, Barack Obama's pastor problem and why John McCain is so strapping. Sean, let's start with you.

Sean: Brit, everything has worked to perfection these last seven years: the flourishing economy, record-low unemployment and inflation, anti-terrorism efforts that would make Tom Clancy proud and the decision of geopolitical genius that was the invasion of Iraq. And what have we seen since? A prodigious drop in worldwide terrorism, stable crude oil prices and the first Jeffersonian democracy in the Middle East after toppling the most evil man since Hitler, Saddam Hussein.

The reason Barack Hussein Obama doesn't wear a flag pin is because he fears the blinding aura of the president, and when people see an American flag, they can think of only one thing: George W. Bush.

Chris: He doesn't fear Bush you fool, he fears the New and Improved Codpiece! Just imagine him, a seasoned pilot, landing on that flight deck!

Bill: You want him to crash another plane and waste more of the taxpayer's dollars? Who's looking out for you? I am. So just shut up, MSNBC bitch.
Shut. Up.

Chris: You want a piece of me, cultural backwater? Nice jacket, by the way.
East coast elitist.

Brit: Gentleman, gentleman, you're sounding like the left side of the internets. Now, the Vice President's lawyer says that no one in this dimension or the next -- including our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ -- has any authority over his office.

Sean: Sieg heil, mein Cheney. Brit, don't be meek little girly girl like Alan. Even that flea is in awe of the power that dare not speak its name. I have something much more important to say here. We all know that Rev. Wright is a rampaging, Afrocentric lunatic who wants to spearhead the Barack Hussein Obama plan of enslaving White Christian America, and this dovetails brilliantly into my original point --

Chris: John McCain! John McCain! Baba booey! Baba booey!

Sean: Don't interrupt me again you out-of-touch beltway bastard! I'm a man of the people!

Brit: Gentleman, please, a little decorum. And perhaps a towel to wipe off my drool. I'm not as spry as I used to be.

Sean: Shut the hell up, old man. You want to tangle, Matthews? Let's g --

Chris: Sean and Alan sitting in a tree...


Bill: Holy shit! Matthews ate Sean! He's the real Jekyll and Hyde!
You sonofabitch!

Brit: *screams* It's too late for me! Run, Bill, r --

Bill: I'll fucking get you, Matthews!

To be continued?


Anonymous said...

RG - More horror! This rocked. Scared a loaf out of me! Fuck. But did you have to mix the good name of Vincent Price into this? He was a nice guy who just liked to stoke your fears for the fun of it. These blow hards? Their only interest is fear.

La Belette Rouge said...

I love it when you make me scared and laugh at the same time. Hee-hee! LOL!
Not only are you a gifted writer you have an amazing ability to find the most unflattering pictures of the talking heads. Really, that picture of Christ Matthews is more horrifying than any Goya painting.

Dean Wormer said...

Beautiful! Very, very funny randal. Although I'm a little disapointed that it wasn't scarier. If you're doing something with Hume I'd expect you to go all Hostel on his ass. :)

Is that picture of Grendel? It looks familiar.

Randal Graves said...

spartacus, thanks man, but I must admit to feeling a tinge of guilt in associating the great Vincent Price, a stellar human being by all accounts, with these childish tools.

LBR, now I just need one of those 'Mission Accomplished' banners to hang above my desk! Thanks, and what's funny about that Matthews shot is that I found it here at the Scholastic website. Those poor, poor children.

dean, thanks, but I have no Photoshop, so I'm stuck with what The Google gives me. ;-)

The Chris Matthews alter ego is a painting by Goya of Saturn getting his eat on. I think the face truly captures the primal, empty hunger for stupidity that these jokers revel in.

Anonymous said...

I love bedtime stories.

Tom Harper said...

[cringe] Who ARE those scary monsters? [shiver]

Can't wait for the sequel.

dguzman said...

The photo of that talking corpse Hume was enough to make me have nightmares.

Randal Graves said...

fot, no happy ending with this one, I'd imagine.

tom, oh shit, I really do have to come up with a sequel? I tossed the question mark up in the spirit of Flash Gordon.

dguzman, he truly does have that 'yes, I'm related to the Cryptkeeper, why do you ask' look.

Yesha said...

oh goodies. that pic of a "monster" scared the hell out of me. argh. i hate horror tales/movies. i'm a scaredy cat. lol.

susan said...

Truly frightening (except for Vincent). I'm just so happy we got rid of cable. It's good to know I still have someone to count on to brave the horrors of modern tv talk shows and translate the babble.

B said...

I'm with Susan... all of these "characters" are frightening, except for Vincent! And Bush dancing like the damn fool he is?! No words.

Suzi Riot said...

F*cking brilliant comedic horror. Or is that horrific comedy? Either way, I cried from laughter and fright.

Utah Savage said...

I needed that laugh. You are a comic genius. You are brilliant. I know you don't like hyperbole, but...

anita said...

that was so funny !!

on another note, i notice you use the word "cthonic" a lot. I mention that because there is a coffee shop in my Small City on the Hudson called 'Cthonic Cafe." Actually, it just recently closed. But very few people could figure out what it meant or how to pronounce it.

Actually, it was a cool little place in the nicest tradition of "coffee shop" --- local artists and musicians and hung out there, dusty wood floors, hippies behind the counter.

Its closing does not bode well for the 'alternative lifestyle' crowd around here. Now we have to drive pretty much up to Woodstock, Hudson or Saugerties to get that ... or some semblance of it.

Randal Graves said...

autumn, Matthews is indeed a frightening beast, no?

susan, I fear you give me too much credit. This was only an approximation. It's difficult to transcribe much of anything from all that guttural babbling.

b, all hail Vincent. I love those old horror movies! A shame we went from a flawed, but sax-played president to a guy with less rhythm than me. Leader of the *cough* free world.

suzi, then I accomplished my task! In these trying times, a cheap laugh is often the only shield against the horror of these clowns. Well, a few shots, too, but I try not to drink too much at work.

utah savage, merci and your check is in the mail. Be sure to stimulate the economy with it!

Randal Graves said...

anita, it's a great word, in meaning, sound and appearance, and that's rare. Hence, my apparent need for a thesaurus!

Wonderful name for a café! If I ever opened a coffee shop, I think that's what I would have to call it.

Please don't tell me it had to close because a Starbucks moved in nearby.

anita said...

ok. i won't tell you.

actually, what happened was the center of gravity of the main street just happened to translocate from the east end to the west end, where new stores and art galleries were opening up, plus the west end is closer to the train station so tourists and commuters have better access. it wasn't starbucks, just a very small chain (three stores total) called The Muddy Cup. Not so bad, but my loyalty remains to the dearly departed Chtonic, even though if they were smart they would have moved when they saw what was happening.

Dr. Zaius said...

Ha! Excellent! I like how you've got the corn in there for texture. ;o)

TomCat said...

Not having seen it, I can't say that this didn't happen. It is in character for them.

Randal Graves said...

anita, I suppose that should make one feel a little better because it wasn't an über-chain, but it really doesn't.

dr. zaius, only high fructose for my readers!

tomcat, oh it did happen, but Matthews ate the footage. This is merely a recreation.

Anonymous said...

Great to see an American blogger who knows the difference between surreal humour and ranting.

Can't really add much to this thread as I don't know the charcters well enough, but I'll be back for more.

Anonymous said...

I'd like to express my disappointment in this scary story. Chris Matthews, as a Republican, albeit a particularly crazy one, would never eat his kin. He would roger them to death. In future, please try to hew more closely to the diabolical evil that is wingnut reality. Thanks.

Randal Graves said...

ian, thanks for the comments and for stopping by. They're certainly characters, believe me.

anon, oh, I don't know, see Bush and McCain 2000. As a general rule, your observation is definitely true, but you know Doocy and Kilmeade, how they always bogart the deli tray, and sometimes a hideous monster has to eat, the identity of the closest morsel be damned.

Swinebread said...

lol you win again man!

Blank said...

There should be a warning at the beginning: "scenes of such horror and hideousness, you may not sleep for a week." Or something.

Randal Graves said...

swinebread, where's my cash!

swb, normally, I'd be inclined to agree, but we're all unfortunately immune to their diabolical effects.