Saturday, May 17, 2008

Even More Splotchy's Viral Theatre Redux

Bloody hell, a second infection! Shouldn't some double jeopardy clause apply to electronic pathogens? My initial misgivings did dissipate immediately when I learned that the mutating story had taken a Lovecraftian twist, and such pro-Cthulhu propaganda can only help me to survive a few extra minutes once our next president begins the devouring of humanity.

I had been shuffling around the house for a few hours and already felt tired. The doorbell rang. I opened the front door and saw a figure striding away from the house, quickly and purposefully. I looked down and saw a bulky envelope. I picked it up. The handwriting was smudged and cramped, and I could only make out a few words. (Splotchy)

Despite the throbbing pain in my knees and the dull ache in my lower back, I bent down slowly and picked up the envelope...

Oh no. It did not say this, did it?

Oh yes, it did. It did.

The handwriting was familiar in a way that inspired a cold sweat and a bout of nausea. It was the penmanship of my former husband. You know - the one that was presumed dead.

He disappeared in a suspicious blogging related accident a number of years ago and was never heard from again. I was devastated. I had hated the blog, loathed the thing. What began as a hobby that took but a few minutes a day had morphed into an addiction, the proportions of which could not be measured. It was pure evil.

The blog turned into a cruel and demanding mistress and her siren song was more than I could compete with. One day he left for an evening event, never to return again.

All fingers pointed to one blogger, but I could never get the charges to stick. That one is slick- slick, slick, slick. He can talk a good game and write like nobody's business. But there is something about him, it just is not right.

So my husband was gone, that other one kept blogging and I had to rebuild my life, which I did.

So I finally had the bastard declared dead. And now this. (FranIam)

I took the envelope inside and got out a magnifying glass. I studied the scribblings on the front and made out the words “This is for you. You KNOW why” just above the undead bastard’s name. What the hell?

What could it be? What did he mean, I “KNOW” why? What did I do? I had never been anything but faithful to him and his "interests." I followed his stupid blog as it meandered through the vapid expanses of his small mind, trying my best to be polite when he talked about some comment he’d gotten on a particular post, or a funny link he’d dropped into a post.

Just thinking about it made my stomach hurt.

Despite a fleeting fear that there might be anthrax powder in the envelope, I opened it and pulled out the contents. (dguzman)

A noodle, a meatball and one of the six legs of a squid? (Squid have six legs, not eight, right? Unsure I rushed to my computer to ask The Lord Google. OMG, I was wrong! Squid do have eight legs. And two tentacles. Like cuttlefish. I digress. Damn you Google!)

What was he working on when he had that blogging accident? I thought back to the nights of feverish typing. The nights the keyboard fairly reeked of despair, flopsweat and ricola. He would babble "vision quest" "noodly appendage" "the alpha and the semolina" "green sticky spawn of the stars". This last I just attributed to far too much interest in the pussy photos of Britney Spears.

In shaky handwriting was the couplet:

That is not dead which can eternal lie.
And with strange æons even death may die

I felt that I was beginning to understand. He had been killed in an epic battle of Good versus Not-So-Good or even "meh!" (Jess Wundrun)

Feeling the need for sleep, I turned off the computer, flicked the lightswitch and headed up through the pitch to bed, where, within minutes, I was floating in the blissful land of Nod.

Rudely interrupted by the nocturne call of nature -- you know, a can of Schlitz in the fridge -- I stumbled down the stairs, not into the ground floor of our house, but into a heretofore unknown level of hell.

My Flying Spaghetti Monster, the stench!

I had forgotten to dispose of the noodle, meatball and squid leg. Yes, that had to be the reason for such a nauseating, putrescent odor. Holding my nose, I turned the corner into the den. The computer desk was empty, save for a translucent, vaguely green goo that had slid onto the floor, inexplicably forming what seemed to be the tracks of an inhuman, shambling beast.

My eyes followed their path. It led into the kitchen. (Randal Graves)

The duly poisoned:
Freida Bee (that's for tagging me twice in one week!), becca, Spartacus.


Blank said...

Again with the Splotchy. It's everywhere I go. And now it has picked up a Pastafarian.

Freida Bee said...

I have done you bidding, but be warned, I was recently thrice tagged. Muwhahaha!

Randal Graves said...

SWB, ya mon, pass the noodle.

FB, oh fuck, three times? You do and I'm coming to Austin to blast Morbid Angel on your porch at 3 am.

Utah Savage said...

Randal you bastard, don't even think about it. The only memes I like are the ones that ask you to tell nasty secrets form you sordid past. When that one come around, I'll be all over it. I am trying to avoid learning this linky thngy, despite the excellent Freida Bee sent me via email. She is just trying to set me up, if you know what I mean. I claim I don't know how to read instructions. Well that isn't exactly a lie or exaggeration. Test taking in college was my last experience with reading instructions. I was good at it then, but have managed to avoid all instruction reading since. Wy lil ol me? I's so helpless, been as I's a girl and all that.

Randal Graves said...

Then I shall tag you the next time I get one. I don't have nasty, past tense secrets, being a boring bastard, so I just make shit up. Which is harder than it seems! Does your VCR still flash 12:00? Do VCRs still have clocks on them? My DVD player doesn't, but it makes a fine slice o' toast!

Utah Savage said...


DivaJood said...

I'm confused as all shit.

susan said...

Nice one for a Noodlefarian and I love the picture. I got infected by Dcup and fairlane both in less than 24 hours but I got even and think I finally killed Splotchy too. Well, I might not have struck a mortal blow but I definitely removed a couple of tentacles.

Betty Carlson said...

I don't understand the tag, but the post is bloody brilliant.

Randal Graves said...

utah, that's my line. I'll expect my royalty check in the mail.

divajood, don't worry, I think these things are supposed to have an air of the incoherent.

susan, that's the problem. If you're the third or fourth person tagged, most of who you know has already been tagged or hates these things.

betty, we aim to please. Or at least avoid doing work.

Splotchy said...

Great addition!

*Every* story should have an inhuman, shambling beast, but that's just my personal opinion.

Anonymous said...

RG - Your tag is noted. I'm working on it. Liberality tagged me, too. Sorry to hear about the Cavs. Wait 'til next year?