Tuesday, August 4, 2009

The pen is mightier than the sword unless the hand holding the pen gets chopped off

It was a dark and stormy Edward Bulwer-Lytton. The teabaggers teabagged in torrents, for when the First Baron storms darkly 'cross the land it's with serious meteorological mojo, except at occasional obfuscatory oscillations between protesting with crudely-inked posters and posting on their blog and maybe a quick run to the sandwich shop exchanging money for goods and/or services such as sandwiches and sex perhaps the basis of all human civilization -- the sandwiches, not the sex because most wingnut CHUDs don't have sex except with family pets and masturbation doesn't count but if it did, I'd be getting laid daily, when it was checked by a violent gust of Congressional and corporate propaganda, sorry for the skipping needle, which swept up the streets like a giant Orick Oreck or a CEO's maid because the wife is too hopped up on goofballs and Mr. Gekko is banging the secretary (for it is in DC that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops like a rattlesnake's rattle or even a baby's, no, a rattlesnake's because that's scarier unless the baby is Damien with the shits at 3am, and fiercely agitating the scantily-clad flame of the lamp that is my imagination, yeah, that's it insert fantasy babe here, take it all off, hot damn, am I struggling against the darkness, Eddie, got a light, it's hard forging birth certificates in the dark, how about I just copy off of yours I've got sideburns, too, no one will know the difference.


Christopher said...

"banging the secretary"

How American! LOL!

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

Little known fact: my entries in the Bullwer-Lytton contest were included in two of the anthologies.

I also won the World's Worst Poetry contest one year.

All of my outstanding work is in the category of "Worst..."



Tom Harper said...

Whew! That was a loooong sentence.

First Baron of Kenya, LOL. Maybe Kenya's tourism will pick up now, with millions of people traveling there to visit Obama's birthplace. Yes, I've joined the Afterbirthers, what can I say.

Ubermilf said...

what's an Orick?

Utah Savage said...

Great writing you bastard!

But what really made me laugh was the Ubermilf's question. That brought the house down.

Well done. Carry on.

Randal Graves said...

christopher, in retrospect, I suppose that intern would've been more appropriate given the DC connection, but oh well.

tengrain, then you are more published than I am. I bow to your worstness!

tom, do you guys have t-shirts?

übermilf, glad you caught that typo, for I almost revealed the presence of the The Almighty Orick, Voyagers Beyond The Stars and Destroyers of Worlds, upon our miserable backwater. Whew!

Randal Graves said...

utah, don't praise me, I simply made the master's opening paragraph a bit more topical.

Holte Ender said...

Randal - Nobody would ever have the nerve to accuse you of plagiarism.

Christopher said...


True. Either an intern or a male page. Whoopsie! I was thinking of Barney Frank, Miss Lindsey Graham and Mark Foley.

Kvatch said...

...were included in two of the anthologies.

Ah! The Bullwer-Lytton competition. My favorite from that has always been: She was like the driven snow under the galoshes of my lust. ;-)

Snave said...

That was some brilliant stream-of-consciousness writing there, my friend! Nicely done!

Re. that picture, isn't the first baron of Kenya Barack Obama?

It IS a long sentence, but the fact that it contains the words wingnut and masturbation in the same sentence is enough to make it very worthwhile. The rest of it? Icing on the cake! 8-)

Ryland Grace said...

Didn't this guy say the pen was mightier than the sword?

susan said...

Was that a Kenyan birth certificate you were forging in the dark or a Keynesian one? ..or maybe I'm a little overwrought and it was a Canadian one.

Laura said...

You're right about the cat-o-nine tails. I'm looking on e-bay right now.
Life is just too effin short not to beat people senseless when they piss me off. If I have to go down it might as well be for assault. :)
To top off my shitty week, I was almost killed by one of those "chip trucks" today. Jerk side swiped me! How embarrassing would it have been to die THAT way?
An ice cream truck..okay. Chip truck! No thanks.

Sorry that my bitching has flowed over (somehow) into your blog. I was worried that people might get tired of me at my own so I thought I'd bring it over here. I think I'm good for the rest of the week though. Thank you!!

I swear, I didn't know those onion rings were yours. I ate them you know. They were good. Nice juicy onion slices. The batter was crispy and salty. Mmmmmm... Sorry babes.
Good thing I'm cute. No one would put up with me if I wasn't! :)


Thomas Fummo said...

damien with the shits at 3 am.

what a picture.

S.W. anderson said...

If my eyes don't deceive me, it's the time of the full moon — a realization that helps put this post in persective, if not exactly to explain it.

". . . and masturbation doesn't count but if it did, I'd be getting laid daily. . ."

An urgent-care call has been put in to Dr. Ruth in your name, Randal. I'm sure she will help you get to the bottom of this contradiction in terms. Try to hang on until she gets back to you. In the meantime, if you experience any changes in vision or on the palms of your hands, consult your family doctor immediately.

Randal Graves said...

holte, I don't know why, for I'd probably agree with them!

christopher, lordy, I do have the vapors.

kvatch, lines like that are so bad, they're good, the prose equivalent of Plan 9 From Outer Space!

snave, oh no, he's probably the 13th or 14th by now. I mean, the African nations HAVE been plotting the subversive takeover of America for centuries.

BB, yes indeedy. I think he invented 'unwashed masses' as well. Purple prose? Sure, but the dude enriched the lexicon and that's more than I can say. ;-)

susan, if I were to forge anything, pinko, it'd be a Freidmantastic one. Unregulated markets über alles, duh.

sunshine, yikes! You can at least eat your way out of an ice cream disaster, the other, not so much.

Feel free to bitch or anything. The only rule I have, besides stealing my onion rings, is that you have to clean up after yourself. Or, if you have offspring, enslave them to do it.

TF, I was about to suggest that as a candidate for a future batch of anti-bullshit, but I'm having second thoughts and dry heaves.

SWA, sorry, I can't hear you over the electric shaver. I don't know how these hairs got here.

Anonymous said...

Yep, just what you said! I said the same thing myself just this morning.

Dr. Zaius said...

I think that your stream of consciousness prattle has broken the urinal. ;o)