Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Cult indoctrination

Hier, our youngest had to turn in her social studies essay USA A-OK Cesspool on the Potomac Why I'm Proud To Be An American. After initially chuckling at the very existence of the premise & checking the calendar to make sure it wasn't 1961 & that Alan Shepard wasn't bopping below the constellations take that you filthy reds, I chortled something about the pen being mightier than the sword but I say fuck the pen because you can die by the sword!

When I recognized that she didn't get the live Slayer reference, I cried at my failure as a parent. Sob. Anyway, though not chock full of the polysyllabic words I enjoy tossing out on occasion to strengthen the occasionally-useful illusion that I'm smarter than I actually am (boobies! burgers! Browns bad! bleorg!), my gasted would be flabbered if the teacher didn't call and/or write demanding our presence at one of those conference gigs.


MRMacrum said...

Can I assume she did not use you as a reference for this paper?

I actually remember writing several similar papers as a young lad growing up in the thick of the Cold War years. I can remember my father resisting any comment about such things, but remember my mom pulling out the symbolic flag to remind me that being a 'Murican was a damn sight better than being a Red. After all, Goldwater was just shy of being a supreme being in her eyes. To this day I adhere to the idea that being dead is better than being Red. At least whenever I think of Mom, apple pie, and Chevrolet.

USA! USA1 USA! US.......oops dropped my flag. Do I have to burn it now?

Laura said...

That poor little girl. I'm betting that was one time she was wishing that 'Dear Old Dad' wouldn't help her with the assignment. ;p

I look forward to finding out her grade.. ;D


Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

You are determined that the fruit of your loins ends up apprenticing at Famous Ray's, now aren't you? You would really go to talk to her teacher and seal your kid's doom?




Demeur said...

So did she present the truth or give a Hollywood version of history like the rest of the sheeple? Would be most embarassing to be both thrown out of parent teacher conferance gig. "Get out of here and take your old man with you!"

Randal Graves said...

mrmacrum, both of my kids are well aware of pop's views on things. Thankfully, they're well on their way to being equally as cynical.

I don't recall doing too many patriotic activities growing up, all the more surprising because we did have a nuclear attack drill on occasion.

sunshine, I helped with some spelling, the prose was all hers.
The teacher seems alright, which is why the assignment surprised me.

tengrain, hell, all she needs to do is land a slacker civil service job like her old man. Not as if the state will ever slash the budget, that's silly talk.

demeur, you know, they never have snacks at those conferences. I bet Famous Ray's caters!

Susan Tiner said...

Yes, you will probably have some explaining to do at the conference. I love "my gasted would be flabbered" and will work it into my next conversation with friends.

Life As I Know It Now said...

Did you like what she wrote or did it seem like "sheeple BS crap for a grade of A" to you?

Why couldn't I have been born in Norway instead of here? ;~)

Tom Harper said...

What kind of parent are you???

Every child needs a firm grounding in the poetry of Slayer, Godsmack, Slipknot and 2 Live Crew.

You need to do better.

Randal Graves said...

susan t, it's not like her essay was a string of vulgarities. And I made her take out the descriptions of the dead Afghans.

liberality, no sheeple BS crap. Hell yeah, Norway, it's cold and full of metal!

tom, dude, you know you can't go around in public linking the mighty Slayer with those musical jokers. For shame.

(though kudos to Mr. Luther Campbell for giving the proverbial finger to The Man for so long)

susan said...

I remember being called in for a couple of conferences with the grade school nuns. I don't know why they always made us sit in the little chairs while they towered over us.

Ricky Shambles said...

As a teacher for one year I was called to the principal's office for answering a kid's question about witches: I accidentally said Wicca was a religion based on traditions older than Christianity. But that never sits well in a podunk county in NC when you work in the only HS in the county.

Seriously, I've got a 14 year old with dad's relatively slick writing skills, but she says spelling is what spellcheck is for. Do I run my own home-school of spelling and grammar? Thoughts very welcome.

Oh, and YAY boobies!

Chef Cthulhu said...

I wouldn't be surprised at the question. It was probably a mandatory part of the curriculum.

Be glad you're not in Texas, then the essay would be "I know Jesus and Moses wrote the Constitution because..."

La Belette Rouge said...

I would much prefer a teacher that encouraged writing about Slayer, or Morrissey if you prefer, than a title track from a song that makes my ear drums bleed. I guess that would mean homeschooling. I look forward to your post on the conference.

S.W. Anderson said...

Randal, I suspect that if you do show up for a parent-teacher confrontation, much will be revealed. As a result, if the teacher has any compassion, he or she will thereafter grade your daughter's efforts gently.

Randal Graves said...

susan, only anecdotal, but I seem to recall that every single nun except one at my grade school was quite short. Some buy muscle cars to compensate, some make their students sit.

ricky, my kids are weird, and only use the computer when absolutely necessary. I tried creating an organic spellcheck by combining a dictionary, abacus and slide rule, but no luck so far.

chef, jesus and moses walked into a bar...

LBR, is that a cry of despair that I didn't post the Lee Greenwood?

If there turns out to be no conference, I better come up with a replacement post.

SWA, if any of those teachers smarts off, I'll simply throw the books at 'em. We've got plenty.