Wednesday, September 5, 2012

The society of the spectaclest bunch of spectacles that ever spectacled

Posture, QB, posture.

Yeah, it's that time again. Yippee.

AFC East: Every year The Fucking Patriots play a slate the '72 Dolphins would be jealous of. Every goddamn year. Too bad not really they always blow it against inferior teams who also share the The Fucking partial sobriquet. Miami sucks, The Fucking Jets suck on offense which is why they traded for the Human Distraction, which leaves the incredibly average Toronto Bills sloppily second.

AFC North: Who do you think. As for the bottom half, the Bungles can't but regress (9-0 vs. non-playoff teams, 0-7 vs. bonus money), & HA HA HA HA HA.

AFC South: General Zod's favorite squadron lost some folks, but Take the Money and Run, the clusterfuck Jags [ed. note: is this a Florida thing?], & the Heir Apparent are just fodder for radio ga ga.

AFC West: Philip Rivers is the reincarnation of Dan Fouts. Not sold on The Fucking Broncos pieces parts as a whole, but all they really needed was a real quarterback. It remains to be seen whether Peyton's neck is Memorex or not. Don't count out the Chiefs, seriously, stop giggling. Speaking of giggling, I wonder who's been tasked with wearing shiny 70s tracksuits around 1 Raider Place.

NFC East: Andy Reid successfully hides from the Turk for one more campaign. Anyone who wears baseball caps backwards unless they're a grade schooler playing catcher is a douchebag, but Romo can throw. So can Eli, but The Fucking Giants' coming is going: they were 9-7, outscored, & lost to Washington. Twice, which means they'll go 10-6 & miss the crapshoot. At least the 2001 The Fucking Patriots are no longer the shittiest champion in the Super Bowl era. Let's go footie style, one big league, best record at the end gets the shiny trophy.

NFC North: They learned their lesson, though it remains to be seen whether Chicago did. If Cutler's upright, an easy 10 or 11 wins. If not, they're the Lions. Yes, I'm predicting that Stafford's going to have a series of boo-boos. Wasn't Minnesota one classic Favre playoff fuckup from the big one a mere few years ago? My, how time flies when you're buried under delusional ownership.

NFC South: Speaking of flying, you thought I was going to segue into Atlanta. Nope. So the masterminds behind Murdergate or whatever shockingly heinous directives of violence in the most physically debilitating sport this side of buzkashi won't be strutting the sidelines. The Saints have Drew Brees. The Falcons don't, & more importantly, a defense I'm not sold on until I see the notarized affidavit. Cam's fantasy league pinball machine Halloween costume aside, chic pick Carolina is also a chic sieve, & lastly, it is a Florida thing.

NFC West: The Cardinals have Kevin & Thompson behind center, the Rams have no supporting cast, the Seahawks will be dealing with a quarterback controversy & uniforms too ugly even for the Arena League, thus, the Niners by the two greatest words in the English language.

AFC playoff seeds: The Fucking Patriots, The Fucking Steelers, Planet Hooston, San Diego, The Fucking Broncos, The Fucking Ravens, though don't discount the Bills whose stretch run schedule is a bloody joke.

NFC playoff seeds: Green Bay, Philadelphia, New Orleans, San Francisco, Chicago, The Fucking Cowboys Giants Who Cares. Yes, that's only three new teams. Everything dies.

Super Bowl: Green Bay over The Fucking Patriots.

The aforementioned suckiest bunch of blah blah blah: three bums toss passes, two wins, & one Trent Richardson torn ACL. I wish I hated sports.


ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

At least the Redskins finally got a QB.

Maybe, someday, perhaps they'll think about getting an offensive line to block for him.

Demeur said...

Gee all you need now is the customary player scandal complete with cocaine, a club shooting and adulterous outing.

Here's a deal. We'll trade you your washed ups for ours.

Randal Graves said...

if, don't worry, Mikey will find a way to melt away his sanity.

demeur, washed-ups? All we've got are never weres, never will bes, and Joe Thomas.

Laura said...

Well I do hate sports so ... Yay me! :)


Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

I like Daria, I was hoping it would be a Daria post.

Let down, again.



Beach Bum said...

Still enjoying Tebow making a fool of himself. As for my usual intense hatred of Peyton Manning since he is with Denver now I find it abating. He no longer must die a painful and prolonged death.

Tom Harper said...

What Laura said.

susan said...

Okay, I'll third what Laura and Tom said and include that of all of them I hate football the most.

S.W. Anderson said...

Randal wrote, "I wish I hated sports."

For someone who doesn't hate sports you come off sounding awfully contemptuous of the teams and players. And at that, this time you didn't even get to the Browns — a team you're perpetually really down on.

Ever think of taking up golf?

Randal Graves said...

laura, even hockey? After I conjure up the ghost of Pierre Trudeau, you'll be sorry.

tengrain, duh, every post is about Daria, you just need to deconstruct them.

BB, bah, it's even worse. It's DENVER.

tom, after I conjure up the ghost of Lester B. Pearson, you'll be sorry.

susan, after I conjure up the ghost of another dead Canuck PM, you'll be sorry.

SWA, first, I've got a heart full of hate. Second, golf isn't a sport and, third, destroys valuable darkthroning opportunities for America's young people.