Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Quarter pounder with cheese

Not this stink again.

AFC East: The Fucking Patriots have a quarterback, the Dolphins, whose new unis suck but don't suck as much as the Arena League circus threads of The Fucking Broncos or Seahawks, might, the Toronto Bills don't, and neither do the H-A-A-A HAAA HAAA HAAA.

AFC North: Geno Atkins doesn't live in Cleveland, he lives in Cincinnati, unfortunately. The tools retooled HEY FRISCO FUCKING RUN THE BALL, this is the year beefy scrubs at last toll the bell for Big Ben We Hardly Knew Ye, and I'd rather not talk about Browns 2.0.47.

AFC South: Never did a quarterback's surname and team results mesh so poetically, the Titans are a textbook 6-10/10-6er, and I'd lay five bucks that the Jagwires are worse(!) than the Clowns, which leaves Planet Hooston by the two greatest words in the English language.

AFC West: The Fucking Broncos walk the cake; poor Philip Rivers, forced to handoff to a guy with nine broken collarbones, a gassed retread, and a guy not much taller than yours truly; and I'd lay five bucks that Al Davis' Shiny Tracksuits are worse(!) than the Clowns, which leaves the Walrus's second rebuilding job to tooth & nail for a shot at the newest shiny ring of blood diamonds.

NFC East: A four-flaw, round-robin sock 'em up. Ball's in your jockstrap, Mr. Griffin.

NFC North: Unless Aaron Rodgers dies in a demon summoning ritual gone horribly expected, the Packers snooze to at least one home playoff game. I'm further convinced that I'm the only semi-fan of semi-head case Jay Cutler which says much. Keep him upright, and there are 10-11 wins. Adrian Peterson's a yin playing on a team of yangs, and the best reason to watch Detroit is the hope that Stafford chucks the ball 800 times.

NFC South: Fuck Atlanta, America's second worst sporting town I'm looking at you Miami. Geaux Saints. Remember those 6-10/10-6ers, there's two more here. YOU figure out what they're gonna do, smart guy.

NFC West: Clash of the titans, non-speed metal divison. Been a loooong time since one geographic stratum boasted the league's two (arguably, pistols at dawn, knave) best armies. Poor St. Louis though not really since they're a franchise that should be sentenced to outlawry for such thievery but since they stole from Los Angeles, poor St. Louis. Carson Palmer's still in the league? Huh.

AFC playoff seeds: Denver, New England, Cincinnati, Houston, Baltimore, Kansas City.

NFC playoff seeds: Green Bay, Seattle, New Orleans, Washington, San Francisco, Atlanta.

Super Bowl: Seattle over The Fucking Broncos. This one's for you, Jim Zorn.

The Fucking Browns: Double digit stinky cheese. Again.


ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

I'm further convinced that I'm the only semi-fan of semi-head case Jay Cutler which says much.

Not true, Catler has many fans.

zencomix said...

Brady goes down early with an injury, and The Patriots end up with the double digit stinky cheese.

Tom Harper said...

Love me some Limburger cheese. Smells Godawful but sure tastes good.

Randal Graves said...

if, I've always wanted to be part of a cult.

zen, true, but also true of almost everyone. Once upon a Rozelle, the Niners' backup was Steve Young. STEVE YOUNG.

tom, heavy metal *does* kill brain cells, after all.

Beach Bum said...

I still have my Eli Manning voodoo doll ready and will not hesitate use it for this season. I hate that bastard.

Jim H. said...

Wait. This post is about football? Well fuck me.

ATL - the 2nd best sports town? Welcome to the late 20th Century dood. I could just sense you biting back on the bile to have to seed the Falcons.

Oh, and SWEEP! in the Native American conflict, mother fucker. 1995! Wooot!

Now that's out of the way, one quick comment: I don't see how the Patriots have a QB, they released His Holiness.

Nunly said...

Cutler had good attendence last year....only missed one game (thanks alot Dobbins). So, he gets to be Queen Bee Quarterback this year and he won 4 tickets to Great America.

Landru said...

Yeah, but do you know what they call that in France?

Randal Graves said...

BB, please do so, especially when they're 8-7 and a win in December will put their negative point differential in the playoffs yet again.

jim, still terrible but hey, no one will ever be worse than Miami so hold your beak up high.

Fuck 1995, second-best SRS since divisional play and we lose to those fuckers.

And you're right. If His Holiness brings down the wrath, 5-11 at best.

nunly, where he no doubt bought multiple copies of his own jersey.

landru, le stink!

Demeur said...

Forget the cheese follow the money. Which refs got paid off this year? Thanks for the vote of confidence with Seattle but have you seen the old wash ups they've been getting lately? I bet they'd yank Terry Bradshaw from retirement if they thought they could get away with it. He'd work cheap I'm sure.

okjimm said...

what Mr Harper said....only I like aged brick...tastes great and a little less stink

susan said...

Fall must have come at last as you've written a football post. Please point me in the direction of the Cheetos and beer and I promise to come right back.

Laura said...

Seb took the boys to Detroit today to see them play Minnesota .. ahem.. beat Minnesota. (Minnesota is my son Tony's favourite football team, we got him tickets for his birthday last Spring).
Anyhow... does that matter??? ;)


Nunly said...

Bears tripped their way through another win....who wouldda thunk it? Cutler sucked.

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