Bush was right!

First, stem cell therapy.

Next, clones.

Last, well, I just hope you'll be happy when your limbs are getting ripped off and your eyeballs are bitten right out of their sockets by animal-human hybrids run amok.

Mexed Missages

On a day -- okay, evening -- okay, morning -- that should have been saved exclusively for the Beer, Brats and Boobs celebration of AMERICAN over those effeminate Nationals from Old Europe --

"I think they're also American baseball play --"

Shut up you fucking communist. It's AMERICAN. Anyway, before I was rudely interrupted -- you guys know what to do, wink wink, nudge nudge -- in lamenting the utter lack of serious coverage this monumental event so richly deserves, a moment in time sure to become a touchstone in the annals --















"Hey stretch, he said annals. That's the butt, heh, heh."

"Yes, sir."

-- of world history, I discovered this bonechilling development:

Iran's national basketball team has been invited by the NBA to train in Utah and play against NBA and NBA Development League teams in preparation for the Beijing Olympics.

Evildoers who take pride in blowing up our women, children and frozen embryos are sending some of their tallest suicide bombers here? Just think of what carnage they can wreak from so high in the atmosphere as they bounce round balls on AMERICAN soil, a verdant, Christian soil that some would say is our Holy of Holies, Utah! (Hey, Willard loves the Lord as much as you or I do. He simply wears haute couture underpants.)

What kind of precedent does this set, allowing these bloodthirsty anarchists from a barbarian land who indeed thirst, anarchically, for the blood of said women, children and frozen embryos to travel through The Shining City on a Hill without fear of arrest, of being thrown in a dark, dank stench of a dungeon where toilets are filled with the urine-soaked pages of the Koran, the tainted innards of the non-believer and the last, uneaten bite of two kinds of fruit, deservedly without hope of ever seeing again the saving light of Republican Jesus?

Are we really going to let the Axis of Evil win the day?


















"We've got the biggest balls of them all!"

And who is behind this diabolical plot?

"In an increasingly turbulent world, it is rewarding to bring people together to celebrate teamwork, discipline and respectful competition on the court," NBA Commissioner David Stern said in a statement. "The NBA embraces the opportunity to welcome the Basketball Federation of Iran and the Iranian Olympic team in a demonstration of how something as simple as a game of basketball can promote understanding."

Stern!

Traitorous bastard!

Heathen criminal!

Didn't you get the memo? Iran is only permitted to survive for two reasons, and two reasons alone:

1. buying our crappy stuff
2. maintaining their status as a Cartoon Supervillain.













"Kneel before Zod! I mean, me!"

Speaking of Cartoon Supervillains, who the fuck are the twenty-eight percenters in this poll? Is there some new strain of Extra-Groovy Technicolor LSD sweeping the nation? I didn't think disaffected suburbanites would get bored this soon with blowing themselves up in their basement meth labs.

And these are people who admit to approving Der Leader. You and I both know there are more who are simply ashamed to reveal such things in any forum, even an anonymous telephone conversation. So, best case scenario, the Wingnut Machine only needs twenty-two percent plus one to keep the White House. Well, seventeen, perhaps. One assumes at least five percent will consist of Diebold thievery.

And I haven't even mentioned the inevitable Really Bad Thing® that'll miraculously occur between now and November 4 to help bolster McCain's one strength among the unwashed masses. Sure, the economy is jury-rigged with spit and chewing gum and you have no health care, but look! Iran-funded Al-Qaeda underneath your bed!

Still think Obama is a lock?

Underestimate the stupidity and paranoia of this nation at your own peril.














Since we're on the subject of stupid and paranoid nations, yes, that Border Patrol SUV is still parked out front of that Embassy Suites hotel. Methinks something big is afoot. For example, a not-all-that-discreet tryst. And no, this isn't the actual machine, which is much nicer and not as filthy. I guess we don't get a lot of illegal aliens and shipments of hockey sticks, SCTV tapes and weed crossing the invisible AMERICAN-Canadian border floating on Lake Erie.

All-American

Beat it, Froggy. And take your stinkin' Euro with you.
It's our turn now.

"And zeez Yanks zay wee are zee rude!"














"Uh, you're the president. Sure, it's possible to have a bathroom break, sir."

I don't know what got into that Karl Marx-loving Randal, but we here at Randal's blog would like to apologize to each out-of-touch bourgeois real AMERICAN out there. And what better way to do so than to celebrate one of those most AMERICAN of pastimes, being afraid of actual free speech the smacking of a cowhide sphere with a big wooden stick, then running around on the grass like small children!

I know that in addition to Baseball, I'm supposed to mention


















Mom














and Apple Pie, but in lieu (damn you, French, get out of AMERICAN!) of such clichés, I'd like to talk about something that's even more AMERICAN than those, in fact, more AMERICAN than nearly everything under God's blue sky save our undying love of the Lord and blowing brown people up.

I talk, of course, of second chances.















Last year, as the Indians were cruising to a major league best 96 wins, pitcher Cliff Lee was dealing with injuries, trouble with his teammates, a stint in the minors, and a career-worst 6.29 ERA. It doesn't get much lower than that for someone who was once a 200-inning staple of a starting rotation. Now that he's healthy and has eliminated the flaws in his delivery, he's tied for the AMERICAN League lead in wins with 12, his 2.31 ERA is second, and he'll be starting tonight's All-Star game in Yankee Stadium.














Another man that has taken full advantage of being given a second chance is Texas Rangers outfielder Josh Hamilton. Once the first overall pick in the 1999 MLB draft, Mr. Hamilton began to waste his God-given talent by becoming addicted to certain substances. He has since gotten clean, all thanks to, in his own words, Sweet Zombie Jesus and is now in the top ten in the AMERICAN League in batting average, runs, home runs, slugging percentage, OPS and leads all of major league baseball in RBIs with a whopping 95.

What lesson can we learn from second chances?

That even if you can't get the job done, everyone hates you and/or you love the booze and coke, you too can someday grow up and do something memorable with your life.


















"You can even become dictator preznit of AMERICAN! If you got friends in high places, cheat, a pantywaist opponent, a breezy press corps and a, a, a, Unka Dick, what's another word for stoopid?"

















"Grrrr! Cheney want baby flesh!"

A symphony must be like the world. It must contain everything.

Including chimps, apparently. Je vous remercie, cruel internets denizens, for reminding us that The Worst President Ever® was hatched by the vile Babs on yesterday's date hundreds of years ago. Hey, you explain his long-discredited medieval worldview. Anyway, today let us celebrate a birthday worthy of such partying down excellence.



No, that's not Charles Xavier, but Christoph Eschenbach leading the Orchestre de Paris in the first movement of Gustav Mahler's first symphony in D major.



Since Mahler wrote beautifully Cyclopean pieces anywhere from four to eighteen movements totaling seventy-two hours each -- I exaggerate -- slightly -- here's the second part of that movement.

Yes, since it's his birthday, go buy some stuff.

You'll get your money's worth, believe me.

Plus you'll be stimulating the economy, or something.

Clash of the Titans (and one small man)

"There's two of you legendary figures of the creative spirit sharing the same birthday, two of you kings among musical men? We're gonna need a bigger cake."



Pierre-Laurent Aimard and gang performing the fourth movement of Johannes Brahms' first piano quartet. Odd to see such cuts in a classical YouTube. Someone's been overdosing on some MTV.

If someone held a gun to my head and instead of asking for the three or four singles in my wallet -- take my debit card while you're at it, dumbass, there's jack shit in the bank, too -- asked me to choose my favorite work of his, I would have to say the third symphony. No embed allowed (c'est terrible !) so check out the first movement here. Or better yet, go buy the damn thing.



Michael Tilson Thomas conducting the last movement of Piotr Tchaikovsky's indestructible fourth symphony. Hey, who doesn't love a bombastic finalé?








"Did someone say bombs? Heh, heh."

Chimpy, there's more to love in life than having a torrential downpour of munitions turn vast fields of real estate into a mélange of cracked stone, burnt timber, scattered body parts and fragmented humanity. Yes, there are other things things to love.

Including that giant chocolate cake over there.

Sing

Don't worry, I'm not going to sing. Do you enjoy the harmonious cacophony of fingernails cascading down a chalkboard? An event quite reminiscent of me being tuneful, as tuneful as the screams the world currently finds itself going deaf from.

I'm sure once we get our house in order, we'll be able to afford that hearing aid we so desperately need. I need a drink to celebrate this upbeatness. Anyone have some ice?

And you doubted my fabulous mood. Bloody wankers.

I Got Dem War Criminal Blues Again Mama!

There once was a man who liked heads ‘a shiny,
who wanted his way in ways most whiney.
While smirking up his mugs,
he conspired with thugs --
too bad none’ll ever have a roomie named Tiny.

Invasion of the body snatchers

Sure, the temperature is still a bit cool in Northeast Ohio, but I couldn't place why I began to shudder so, such bodily tectonics strangely allied with a hint of a piquant, vomity feeling climbing up the throat. Arriving at work, I immediately hung ten on the internets to find out if there was some heretofore underreported strain of the avian flu making the rounds.

It was something much, much worse.

President Bush is offering a fresh assessment of progress on political, security and economic fronts in Iraq as he weighs a decision on troop levels.

The president planned to use the National Museum of the United States Air Force in Dayton, Ohio, as the backdrop for his address.

Take it easy, Hangar 18 and put away your ray guns. You want fresh assessments? You got 'em, and just dig that rhythm!

The U.S. military spokesman in Baghdad also gave an upbeat assessment.

"Iraqi operations in Basra also reflect the growing ability of the Iraqi security forces, Iraqi decision-making and Iraqi leadership," said Maj. Gen. Kevin Bergner. He said that the operation wasn't against the Mahdi Army, only against outlaws who didn't honor Sadr's freeze.

Rikabi similarly said that the Iraqi government isn't targeting any political group or party, only "outlaws, the gangs and the murderers."

The situation on the ground suggested otherwise.

Hey, Captain Doom and Gloom, take some pills for your BDS. There'll soon be a new sheriff in town and at the end of his six-shooter is incontrovertible proof that when Al Qaeda blows shit up, you damn well better believe we won't need to stay forever because the Iraqis have things in hand and they can keep their oil because we sure don't want it.

Confused? Don't be! Come January 20, 2009, this twisted intrigue will be given crisp, reinvigorating clarity! Take a whiff. Damn right it's that just-out-of-the-showroom new car smell!























"I don't care what anyone says, but I did stay on the Straight Talk Express last night."

A political post? Oh, what the hell.

If this isn't proof that our Grand Clusterfuck was worth it, I don't know what is.

Not all anniversary assessments were as upbeat as Bush's. A Washington Post-ABC News poll showed nearly two-thirds of Americans believe the war was not worth waging.

Told about the poll result in an interview with ABC's "Good Morning America," Vice President Dick Cheney, in Oman after a visit to Iraq, said: "So?"

Awesome! Totally awesome! All right, Cheney!

Breaking the Law?

Security camera footage of Republican operatives looting the U.S. Treasury.

Crossing over isn't just for Texas.

A staggering 16,000-plus Republicans in Cuyahoga County switched parties when they voted in last week's primary.

That includes 931 in Rocky River, 1,027 in Westlake and 1,142 in Strongsville. More than a third of the Republicans in Solon and Bay Village switched. Pepper Pike had the most dramatic change: just under half of its Republicans became Democrats. And some of those who changed - it's difficult to say how many - could be in trouble with the law.

At least one member of the Cuyahoga County Board of Elections wants to investigate some Republicans who may have crossed party lines only to influence which Democrat would face John McCain in November.

Anyone who crossed lines was supposed to sign a pledge card vowing allegiance to their new party. In Cuyahoga County, dozens and dozens of Republicans scribbled addendums onto their pledges as new Democrats.

So, is it indeed illegal?

Lying on the pledge is a felony, punishable by six to 12 months in jail and a $2,500 fine.

Election watchers said they don't know any cases that have been prosecuted in Ohio. And it's unlikely the Republican crossovers influenced the outcome since Clinton handily defeated Obama, said Edward Foley, an election-law professor at Ohio State University.

But he said Ohioans need to learn the rules governing their voting - and poll workers need to enforce them.

In a nutshell, here how it's supposed to work: Ohio voters are allowed to switch party affiliations on the day of a primary election but only if they sign a pledge vowing to support their new party - and mean it.

If a majority of poll workers at a precinct doubt a voter's sincerity, they can challenge the voter even if the voter signed the pledge.

In the days following the election, The Plain Dealer interviewed more than two dozen voters - most of them Republicans who crossed over to Democrats last week.

None - including five who acknowledged lying about supporting the Democrats - were challenged. And several said poll workers never asked them to sign a pledge, but gave them a Democratic ticket.

Fine, technically it's illegal if you don't follow through on the pledge, but then again, I'm not big on loyalty oaths. What this strikes me as most is one more flaw in our limiting, two-party system. Among the legion of Limbaugh Automatons I'm sure a few switched out of truly wishing to do so. Yes, the number of such creatures is probably small, but are we then to lock someone into voting for the subsequent nominee? I can't read minds, can you?

According to the Plain Dealer, there are 249,742 registered Democrats in Cuyahoga county, 84,713 Republicans and 729,542 independents. That's over two-thirds not affiliated with one of the two major political parties.

Is crossing over a devious practice? Probably. But our system is devious, and until we get a new one -- I put the over/under on that at ten centuries assuming the cockroaches haven't usurped our rule by then -- we're pretty much stuck with this solution: Obama/Hillary/partisan followers/DNC/everyone else, start attacking the real enemy with a continuous gusto, the guy who'll continue to support the legalization of immoral behavior such as this. Remember, he's beefy, thus tough to beat.

State of the Asshole

"I got this far being one, why stop now, heh, heh."

President George W. Bush will begin "unprecedented steps'' to trim billions of dollars earmarked by lawmakers for pet projects, a White House spokesman said.

I'm guessing he means these kind of pet projects, and not these kind.

In his State of the Union address tonight, Bush will promise to "veto any spending bill that does not succeed in cutting earmarks in half from 2008 levels,'' deputy press secretary Tony Fratto said in an e-mail.

Sweet! Another chance to watch Democrats cave in the days ahead! I wonder how they'll do it this time: the Harry Reid Hustle, the Animal House 'thank-you-sir-may-I-have-another,' the cower in a corner curled up into a little ball. That's called freedom of choice, baby. God Bless America!

Bush will issue an executive order tomorrow directing federal agencies to ignore any earmarks included only in committee reports, not in the text of legislation.

An executive order? Ah, that takes me back.

Bush will say that if spending for such projects is warranted, then "Congress should debate them in the open and hold a public vote,'' Fratto said.

Damn right they should. Right, Dick?

Rumors of War

If I had a band, it'd be just like High on Fire: fucking ugly and fucking loud.

Oh, relax. They're only rumors.

It's not as if there exists a concerted, coordinated effort to:

1. Shamelessly promote mindless consumerism

2. Through enlisting the help of so-called allies

3. To divert attention from the greatest foreign policy fuck-up in American history

4. In order to vigorously prop up an even more scarifying cartoon supervillain

5. To maintain the numbing disinformation campaign of the status quo.

Jeez, you moonbats sure are gullible.

C. R. E. A. M.

The savior of the republic?

Unpaid bills.

Telephone companies have cut off FBI wiretaps used to eavesdrop on suspected criminals because of the bureau's repeated failures to pay phone bills on time.

A Justice Department audit released Thursday blamed the lost connections on the FBI's lax oversight of money used in undercover investigations. Poor supervision of the program also allowed one agent to steal $25,000, the audit said.

Well, I suppose we could handle this problem in the short term without too much harm. A few American criminals might escape, but we're waging a greater war, an existential conflict that's been going on unabated since 632 A.D. between the shining and humble armies of light, and the grotesque minions of darkness.

In at least one case, a wiretap used in a Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act investigation "was halted due to untimely payment," the audit found. FISA wiretaps are used in the government's most sensitive and secretive criminal investigations, and allow eavesdropping on suspected terrorists or spies.

OHMYGODWE'REALLGONNAFUCKINGDIE!

Why do the telecoms hate America?

Fine's report offered 16 recommendations to improve the FBI's tracking and management of the funding system, including its telecommunication costs. The FBI has agreed to follow 11 of the suggestions but said that four "would be either unfeasible or too cost prohibitive." The recommendations were not specifically outlined in the edited version of the report.

OHMYMOTHERFUCKINGGODWE'REALLGONNAFUCKINGDIE!

Even the FBI, the organization of Rudy's! fashion guru, hates America?

Have the Islamocommunistofascistojihadists infiltrated every level of power in our great nation? No expense must be spared to rid our Christian body of this disease, of this - er, what? Really?

Nevermind, FBI, go on not paying those bills. Bush says everything will be cool.

Hats Off To (George) Bush

He ain't (not) no monkey, sure can't climb no tree,
He been mistreated babe, I believe he'll shake 'em on down,
Well, he been mistreated babe, I believe he'll shake 'em on down.

Gave my baby a twenty dollar bill,
If that don't get 'im, sure my pop, pop, pop-gun will,
Yeah, I gave my baby a twenty dollar bill,
If that don't get that preznit, I'm sure my pop-gun will.

Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!

"Hello!"
"Hello!"
"Guten tag, you're it. Wait, wrong line, heh, heh."

With a handshake, leaders of the United States, Israel and the Palestinians agreed on Tuesday to immediately launch peace talks with the goal of reaching a final accord by the end of 2008.

Just in time for the final stages of our permanent presence in the region bringing the troops back home! Yeah! USA! USA! USA!

Bush, making his deepest foray into Middle East peacemaking with only 14 months left in office, held talks with Olmert and Abbas before addressing the high-stakes conference, which included diplomats from Syria and Saudi Arabia and 12 other Arab states.

Bush said the purpose at the waterfront campus of the U.S. Naval Academy in Annapolis was not to conclude an accord, but instead to launch negotiations between the Israelis and Palestinians.

That's deep? Linda Lovelace would be so disappointed in you, Mr. President.

In his speech, he argued now is the time to pursue an agreement because Palestinians and Israelis have leaders determined to achieve peace and because "we must not cede victory to the extremists" in the Middle East.

Yes. We must not.

Oops. Too late.

Okay, where did you guys bury the bodies?

Of satire and irony, that is.

President Bush yesterday offered his strongest support of embattled Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf, saying the general "hasn't crossed the line" and "truly is somebody who believes in democracy."

I know, I know. You harbor suspicions that don't exactly jibe with the supposed cognitive dissonance of Mr. Bush. So, in the interest of fairness, which is what we're all about on this blog, let's take a look at the film:

Bush spoke nearly three weeks after Musharraf declared emergency rule, sacked members of the Supreme Court and began a roundup of journalists, lawyers and human rights activists. Musharraf's government yesterday released about 3,000 political prisoners, although 2,000 remain in custody, according to the Interior Ministry.

How does it feel to be so wrong, you commie pinko homosexual potsmoking moonbats? There's no disconnect here whatsoever! Musharraf obviously shares the exact same democratic ideals as our President. And before you get your g-string in a wad - wait, that's not even possible, is it - over this paragraph -

The comments, delivered in an interview with ABC News anchor Charles Gibson, contrasted with previous administration statements -- including by Bush himself -- expressing grave concern over Musharraf's actions. In his first public comments on the crisis two weeks ago, Bush said his aides bluntly warned Musharraf that his emergency measures "would undermine democracy."

- just remember that it's now okay to be As Inconsistent As I Wanna Be. I flip flop, you flip flop, we all flip flop! Just be careful so you don't bump your skull on the pavement or a low ceiling. But, mes amis, let us close out on a happy note, because nothing makes me happier than being happy and sharing that happiness with other happy people. Though resurrecting the decayed and rotted corpses of satire and irony will no doubt take awhile, in the meantime, let us bask in laughter's warm glowing warming glow by reading the verbal wizardry of, ostensibly, one of our own:

"What exactly would it take for the president to conclude Musharraf has crossed the line? Suspend the constitution? Impose emergency law? Beat and jail his political opponents and human rights activists?" asked Joseph R. Biden Jr. (D-Del.), chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee and a presidential candidate. "He's already done all that. If the president sees Musharraf as a democrat, he must be wearing the same glasses he had on when he looked in Vladimir Putin's soul."

Senator MBNA certainly isn't my first choice to be the 2008 Democratic nominee, but the man loves his snark, and you have to give him that much.

Denial ain't just a river

It's a way of life.

President Bush compared Congress' Democratic leaders Thursday to people who ignored the rise of Lenin and Hitler -

It doesn't take much to shut Nancy and Harry up, but if anything will, it's the invocation of The Great Horned One. No, not that one. This one, silly goose.

Also, we're apparently at war, and Bush said any denial of this is dangerous. His words struck me as quite strange, considering that we've always been at war with the Monolithic Islamic Über-Caliphate® that's been hell bent on destroying the United States since the death of Muhammad nearly fourteen centuries ago. You're not treading on any new ground, Mr. President, but I humbly defer to your celebrated wisdom. The floor is certainly yours. Go on.

"History teaches us that underestimating the words of evil, ambitious men is a terrible mistake," Bush said.

Lesson noted, sir. And the President didn't let us infantile activists in the Lefty Moonbat-O-Sphere off the hook. Give us hell, Bush!

"When it comes to funding our troops, some in Washington should spend more time responding to the warnings of terrorists like Osama bin Laden and the requests of our commanders on the ground," Bush said, "and less time responding to the demands of MoveOn.org bloggers and Code Pink protesters."

Uh, what was that sir? I was trying to light my doobie, but dude, someone stole my corn chips. Man! Hey, was it you, Chimpy McBushHitler, you lovable scamp? I'm gonna call Barbara's pretty little mind on yooooouuuuuuuu!

Ebony vs. Ivory

Veeery interesting.

It was not quite 2:30 a.m. in Washington on Tuesday when Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger of California asked President Bush to declare an emergency because of the wildfires raging in his state. An hour or so later, the request - pre-approved by Mr. Bush before he left the Oval Office on Monday evening - was granted.

Wow, that was fast, Mr. President. Way to keep on top of things. Sounds like someone has been reading a newspaper watching something other than children's cartoons. Wondering why? Don't. Just peruse the following chart:























When one, and by one, I mean über-capitalist closet racists, has an opportunity through a natural disaster to remake, through a diabolical, laissez-faire crucible, a city predominantly minority and poor - one of those rarest of groups hated even more than DFHs - into a sparkly, cracker wonderland, one doesn't pass on such a precious, heavenly gift. Barkeep, another round for the Americans for Tax Reform. Minstrels, play.

Senators, interrupted

"The exhaust pipe on my car was shooting flames out if it Wednesday, Thursday and today, and I'm afraid it will tomorrow, too!"
"Don't you think you should get that checked out?"
"No, I'll just wait until it blows up."

Democratic lawmakers assailed the Justice Department yesterday for issuing secret memos that authorized harsh CIA interrogation techniques, demanding that the Bush administration turn over the documents. But officials refused and said the tactics did not violate anti-torture laws.

Idiots. Time is precious and cannot be foolishly wasted telling everyone when there are repressed sadist games to be played suspects to be interrogated. The laws were changed secretly for a reason. Terrorists read newspapers, too.

One opinion issued by the Justice Department's Office of Legal Counsel in May 2005 authorized a combination of painful physical and psychological interrogation tactics, including head slapping, frigid temperatures and simulated drowning, according to current and former officials familiar with the issue.

Boys will be boys. But should Bush and Co. be worried? Messrs. Eggen and Abramowitz claim that the memos

create an unwelcome complication for the Bush administration as it tries to win confirmation of former federal judge Michael B. Mukasey as the next attorney general.

If I were a member of the Bush administration, I wouldn't sweat it. Paddy is on the case and he

vowed to question Mukasey closely about his views on interrogation policies during confirmation hearings this month.

"Mr. Mukasey, do you think we should torture suspects in custody?"
"I can't answer that because potential suspects might learn how to combat specific techniques."
"But I'm not asking for specifics, merely your view on whether we should or should not torture."
"I can't answer that because then you might not vote for me."
"Your honesty is refreshing, Mr. Mukasey. I think we're done. I'm starving. Anyone up for some Chinese?"

And let's be realistic for a moment. As Francis Fragging Townsend said

If Americans are killed because we failed to do the hard things, the American people would have the absolute right to ask us why.

Damn straight. Ain't nothin' more 'murrikan than combating barbarity with barbarity.
















"Yeah. I don't think you'll be getting that memo."


You ungrateful bastards update:

Bush, speaking emphatically, noted that "highly trained professionals" conduct any questioning. "And by the way," he said, "we have gotten information from these high-value detainees that have helped protect you."

So there.

Practice what you preach

"I'm sorry, U.N., heh, heh, but I just don't have the time, heh, heh. This is a comfortable chair. Unka Dick, can I get one for the Oval Office?"