Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Mexed Missages

On a day -- okay, evening -- okay, morning -- that should have been saved exclusively for the Beer, Brats and Boobs celebration of AMERICAN over those effeminate Nationals from Old Europe --

"I think they're also American baseball play --"

Shut up you fucking communist. It's AMERICAN. Anyway, before I was rudely interrupted -- you guys know what to do, wink wink, nudge nudge -- in lamenting the utter lack of serious coverage this monumental event so richly deserves, a moment in time sure to become a touchstone in the annals --

"Hey stretch, he said annals. That's the butt, heh, heh."

"Yes, sir."

-- of world history, I discovered this bonechilling development:

Iran's national basketball team has been invited by the NBA to train in Utah and play against NBA and NBA Development League teams in preparation for the Beijing Olympics.
Evildoers who take pride in blowing up our women, children and frozen embryos are sending some of their tallest suicide bombers here? Just think of what carnage they can wreak from so high in the atmosphere as they bounce round balls on AMERICAN soil, a verdant, Christian soil that some would say is our Holy of Holies, Utah! (Hey, Willard loves the Lord as much as you or I do. He simply wears haute couture underpants.)

What kind of precedent does this set, allowing these bloodthirsty anarchists from a barbarian land who indeed thirst, anarchically, for the blood of said women, children and frozen embryos to travel through The Shining City on a Hill without fear of arrest, of being thrown in a dark, dank stench of a dungeon where toilets are filled with the urine-soaked pages of the Koran, the tainted innards of the non-believer and the last, uneaten bite of two kinds of fruit, deservedly without hope of ever seeing again the saving light of Republican Jesus?

Are we really going to let the Axis of Evil win the day?

"We've got the biggest balls of them all!"

And who is behind this diabolical plot?
"In an increasingly turbulent world, it is rewarding to bring people together to celebrate teamwork, discipline and respectful competition on the court," NBA Commissioner David Stern said in a statement. "The NBA embraces the opportunity to welcome the Basketball Federation of Iran and the Iranian Olympic team in a demonstration of how something as simple as a game of basketball can promote understanding."

Traitorous bastard!

Heathen criminal!

Didn't you get the memo? Iran is only permitted to survive for two reasons, and two reasons alone:

1. buying our crappy stuff
2. maintaining their status as a Cartoon Supervillain.

"Kneel before Zod! I mean, me!"

Speaking of Cartoon Supervillains, who the fuck are the twenty-eight percenters in this poll? Is there some new strain of Extra-Groovy Technicolor LSD sweeping the nation? I didn't think disaffected suburbanites would get bored this soon with blowing themselves up in their basement meth labs.

And these are people who admit to approving Der Leader. You and I both know there are more who are simply ashamed to reveal such things in any forum, even an anonymous telephone conversation. So, best case scenario, the Wingnut Machine only needs twenty-two percent plus one to keep the White House. Well, seventeen, perhaps. One assumes at least five percent will consist of Diebold thievery.

And I haven't even mentioned the inevitable Really Bad Thing® that'll miraculously occur between now and November 4 to help bolster McCain's one strength among the unwashed masses. Sure, the economy is jury-rigged with spit and chewing gum and you have no health care, but look! Iran-funded Al-Qaeda underneath your bed!

Still think Obama is a lock?

Underestimate the stupidity and paranoia of this nation at your own peril.

Since we're on the subject of stupid and paranoid nations, yes, that Border Patrol SUV is still parked out front of that Embassy Suites hotel. Methinks something big is afoot. For example, a not-all-that-discreet tryst. And no, this isn't the actual machine, which is much nicer and not as filthy. I guess we don't get a lot of illegal aliens and shipments of hockey sticks, SCTV tapes and weed crossing the invisible AMERICAN-Canadian border floating on Lake Erie.


DivaJood said...

I thought Iranians were too short to play basketball. And besides, how can they play basketball with robes, turbans and AK47s? They are the sixa of live, after all. As for those pesky Canadians, they should be arrested and detained for being too polite.

Anonymous said...

Stern's invitation is a trap. He's inviting them in because he earns double-secret probation points for filling cells in Gitmo. Divajood is right. Do ya really think these guys can playball in robes and turbans, not to mention those friggin beards.. and all in 100-degree weather?

As for the SUV, give the BP guys some credit for diligence. They're still waiting for all those Salvadorian housekeepers to emerge from their nightly shifts. Little do they know, they're all walking out disguised as Puerto Ricans.

thatgirl said...

Yeah, I saw that Border Patrol truck parked out there too on the way in. What gives? Are they stalking the Indian students?

Mary Ellen said...

I think you need to do some investigative reporting, Randal. Go over to the Embassy Suites and tell the desk clerk to announce that the Border Patrol SUV has its lights on. When someone comes out to check it out...start questioning him/her. If you end up being renditioned to some prison in an unnamed country, I'll get you out... I promise.

okjimm said...

"..disguised as Puerto Ricans"

AHA! A new threat to Homeland Security....Disguised Puerto Ricans!

"Canadians, they should be arrested and detained for being too polite" Or having Hockey teams...pick 'em!

and don't neglect Norwegian-Americans! Really! I mean, are they loyal to America or salted Cod? And what is Lefsa anyways?

Randal Graves said...

diva, how can they play with all those things? Easy. A few well-placed rounds and the lane is clear.

Screw you, Canada! Be mean!

spartacus, ha! I think you're on to something with that DHS sting. We do have a sizable Puerto Rican community here, too.

thatgirl, that's right, Reserve Square. Oh no, more America itself!

ME, tell you what: I'll do that if you promise to rescue me in your Wonder Woman get up. With the golden lasso.

okjimm, you should see how effective that disguise is when they're workin' the Groucho Marx moustache!

Just for you, a hockey post soon!

Don't get me started on Norway with their high standard of living and cold weather. Bastards. Invade Norway! Steal their snow!

Tom Harper said...

What?? Inviting a bunch of Iranian Islamofascists to come to our great country?? Oh sure, they just want to "play basketball." They're coming here to kill us! Oh God, we're finished now.

This is appeasement, that's what it is. It's like what that Nevul Chaimberlin fellow did in World War Two. I don't know who he is or what he did or how to spell his name, but that's the talking point my Master gave me. Any time somebody mentions anything positive or even neutral about a Middle Eastern country, I'm supposed to yell "appeasement!" and "Nevvil Chamburlan!" as loud as I can.

OK, everybody go shopping now.

Dusty said...

Well Hot-Damn Randall, you can pack more subjects into a post than anyone I fucking read.

The game was good but as usual the NL sucked the AL squad their 11th straight fucking All-Star win.

Sweet Jesus in a speedo..their tallest bombers? WTF? Is David in the throes of Alzheimer's or something?

As for those 28 percenters..those are the folks that we see in the Deliverance movie know, the ones playing the banjo and slobbering all over themselves at the idea of paying Burt's backside a personal visit. They all live in the south or their parents basement..I ain't sure which crowd is larger.

I think I forgot a topic but fuck it..I hit the important ones.. ;)Gotta go spend some money now so I can shore up the economy!

Mary Ellen said...

Randal- That's a deal, but I'm surprised you want me to do that, considering the picture I showed you. ;-)

Randal Graves said...

tom, whew! You were scaring me with all that Iranistan talk, but now that we have permission to go shopping, I'm going to buy something I don't need!

dusty, while you're out spending your stimulus check, buy the NL some clutch bats. And some for us so we can clock the 28 percenters on the fucking noggin.

ME, but I already knew that wasn't you. ;-)

kreplech said...

if that's not the creapiest fucking picture of bushtard. did he learn that move from the pope?

Agi said...

Iranians in Salt Lake City? That will be a sight. I think they'll dig the Mormon temples.

Beach Bum said...

Hell it might be a subversive plot to convert them to Mormonism then send them back to Iran to infect the rest of the country.

susan said...

That's it. I'm going to start a fund to buy turbans and burnoosai for all my Canadian friends.. and maybe some camels too. Then the TSA hosers will find out how polite we really are.

Utah Savage said...

Shit! There's nothing left to say.

Sal Kilmister said...

"Underestimate the stupidity and paranoia of this nation at your own peril."

Yes...or as Bush would say: Mis-underestimate the peril and paranoia of this stupidity at your own nation.

Randal Graves said...

kreplech, it's funny, when I first found it, I immediately thought of some loony TV preacher. But the more I looked at it, the more I realized he looks fucking psychotic.

agi, they can compare magic underpants. Wait, do Shiites even wear underpants? I hear they're frisky!

BB, oh, well played Willard! Soon, he'll even have the Iranians clamoring for him to be the nominee for VP.

susan, and if you go through with the dreds, well, that'll add a layer of Sufi mysticism, no?

On second thought, head-to-toe burka. Heh heh, hoser. I love that word.

utah, that's a lie, since you just said something!

sal, that was impressive. I'd imagine that major news organizations would need a translator for all of Chimpy's press conferences.

Dean Wormer said...

28%ers. Scares me to think about 'em.

It means one out of every four people I see on the street is functionally insane.

Randal Graves said...

Since you put it that way, I'm even more depressed.

DivaJood said...

Agi, the Mormons will secretly convert the Iranians, nothing to worry about.

Je ne regrette rien said...

Iranians in shorts!?! bwahahahaaaa! *btw, doesn't bush look like he is falling over backwards in that picture? I think this proves that we could have a cardboard cutout for president and be none the worse for wear*

Mauigirl said...

I never underestimate the stupidity of the American people. As Barnum said (I think?) "there's a sucker born every minute!"

And it worries me what "they" will come up with to make sure that the population gets good and scared of terrorism before November.

Randal Graves said...

diva, I'm glad someone has faith in Willard's plan.

JNNR, who wears short shorts? Ayatollah wears short shorts!

A cardboard cutout would be a HUUUUUUUGE improvement.

mauigirl, and we've got about 299 million of 'em.

"They" will, and "us" will buy it.