Thursday, July 17, 2008

Grave concerns

Under Bush, even the dead suffer.

Grave robbers, a curse of burial grounds for centuries, are back for new valuables: metal ornaments that can be melted down for quick cash as copper and other metal prices climb.
As ludicrously comic -- and impressive, in its own diabolic way -- as this is, I think some are taking their righteous indignation, stabbing it repeatedly until the blood splatters everywhere, wrapping it in a filthy cloak of hyperbole, chaining it to a big hunk of granite and throwing it overboard into the churning sea of You Can't Be Serious.
"I don't know what could be more sacred than protecting our cemeteries," said West Virginia state legislator Kevin Craig, who co-sponsored a law against scrap metal theft after a bronze door was stolen from a tomb at a cemetery in his district in 2006.
Yeah, I don't know either. What I do know is that since we've tried sending emails, writing letters, faxing, telephoning, cajoling, begging, mooning -- wait, my lawyer says I can't talk about that and neither can Mrs. Bush, so don't ask -- screaming for anyone with their hand in the Cookie Jar of Power to sort of maybe think about not being a paid shill for the plutocracy for five minutes, pretty please with the dessicating body politic on top, nothing has worked. Trust me, you don't want to see my failed attempts at cloning my man Dennis. So, we're down to Plan 9.
Most commonly, old graves are disturbed by people hunting for Revolutionary or Civil War relics to sell. In rare cases, body parts are removed by groups for use in occult ceremonies, said Nicholas Bellantoni, Connecticut's state archaeologist.

"It's kind of ghastly, but we've seen it," said Bellantoni.
Anyone know a good occultist?

"I'll show you how to rob graves."

"Hey Gein, no one wears the flesh of the dead around here but me!"


Übermilf said...

Don't worry, Randal Graves.

(Are they robbing you?)

I read that oil prices are going down, so I'm sure the pump prices will be falling any minute now.

Wait for it... wait for it...

Hey, didn't the pump prices go UP immediately? Why is the DOWN taking so long?

Dean Wormer said...

A skull with a melted candle on it would look pretty good in my office.

Mary Ellen said...

That's pretty sick stuff, but I'm not surprised, people will steal just about anything. The guys I don't trust are the funeral home directors. They always send you out of the room to close the casket after the wake and I always picture them stripping the body of wedding rings or other keepsakes first.

Ugh...a picture of Dick Cheney in the morning, that will haunt me all day.

DivaJood said...

I thought that Ed Gein and Dick Cheney were twins separated at birth.

That said, really, Civil Liberties don't need protecting NEARLY as much as Cemetaries. I mean, that's what the Government is for, right? And wasn't it you who said that we need someone with Kuchinch's heart and mind, with movie-star looks? What about George Clooney? Alec Baldwin?

Randal Graves said...

übermilf, if they were, they'd be three dollars and some change richer.

They did go down! Around these parts, they were $4.08 I believe, and I saw a place this morning that had it at $4.02. America hater.

dean, you know, it really would. Time to go grab my shovel.

ME, oh hell, you know they do. Then they pawn them for booze money.

Glad I could be of service.

diva, hmm, there is a slight resemblance. Oh right. As if you would give up making millions for movies, being respected for your thespian skills and adored by people who want to get funky with you in order to make less money, being hated by at least 50% of the world and get busted for getting funky.

Let's just run Dennis' wife.

DivaJood said...

But, I don't have a crush on Dennis's wife. I have a crush on George Clooney. And Alec Baldwin. I would have suggested Alan Rickman, but he's British. And a Commie.

Je ne regrette rien said...

Who are you kidding? Under Bush, the dead are some of the happiest people around. *side note to jood: commies get extra points in my book. when I'm counting points. with crushes.*

Mauigirl said...

Kucinich is the only one who has courage.

Great post, Randal!

okjimm said...

Sickos. but a something else...your tie in to Bush administration.....the economy sucks so bad that there are nearly destitue folks who are stealing scrap to stay alive...robbing the dead to stay alive. metal theft and you will find thieves stealing metal from air conditioners, irrigation equipment, siding from homes....China is buying scrap and really booming the price up. Most of the theives are low-life scum, but some are just plain down&out...unemployment has run out on them, doctor bills, food....they are stealing to stay alive. That's America for you.

side note....when I was a traveling Library-guy, used to visit Ed Gein's hometown of Plainfield weekly. The library was next door to the scene of his last murder. They still do not like to talk about good old Ed.

ThoughtCriminal said...

I wonder what the next VP is going to do about the "Skull Throne" in the basement bunker? I can't wait for the tour!

DivaJood said...

jnrr, Rickman has all the points, but he can't run, he's British.

Randal Graves said...

diva, oh, Clooney and Baldwin are commies, too. All lefties are commies. And hippies. And black.

JNRR, well, on the one hand, being dead could be cool with all the zombie powers and brain eating. But on the other hand, since the higher brain functions are gone, music and art and literature would be meaningless.

mauigirl, but he has funny hair and is short and looks goofy. You should know by now that ideas don't matter!

okjimm, I believe it, an employee at one of the local colleges was fired because he was caught stealing and selling copper piping. Believe me, if it got that bad for any of us, we'd be doing whatever it took to get by.

Yeah, "traveling library-guy." YOU were probably Ed trying to sell some of your friend bologna!

TC, is that part even open to the public? I know they closed down the Cheney feeding pen after all those tourists got sick from seeing the carnage.

diva, how about a nationwide ballot initiative to revoke our status as a colony? We already have a king, so the transition shouldn't be that difficult.

Liberality said...

I thought it was just called recycling? The dead certainly don't need that crap anymore do they?

Mary Ellen said...

I know things must be getting pretty bad, I just had the two cutest little kids come to my door the other day holding their gumball machine and asking if I'd like to buy a gumball...for 50 cents a piece! Sheesh! And they wouldn't even let me pick the color...humph! Little scammers.

DivaJood said...

Randal, I like the idea - revoking our status as a colony, that is. But I want a new king. Let's make okjimm king. He's going to serve cheap donuts.

okjimm said...

Wowsers! King? Uh-uh, not a chance....that would mean people 'may' wanna look up to me and thatsa hard to do when I am on the floor so offen. Howsa I just be Head-Guy-In-Charge-Of-Insignificant-Things. I can do that well.

okjimm said...

ooooooh....or in charge of Trollops, and Strumpets&Crumpets and Floozy women???? I may need training, but I believe I could learn what is needed!

Christopher said...


I always think of Dick Cheney as being a member of the Undead.

Four heart attacks and he still smokes 2 packs of Marlboros each day and eats battered and fried onion rings.

Yet he never dies. Very odd.

FranIAm said...

I am sorry I have not been around.

I have been suffering under Bush, what can I tell you.

susan said...

I read the other day that a big item for scrap metal thieves is manhole covers. There have been a number of accidents and serious injuries because the damn things have been stolen. Country is past gone to the dogs - now it's gone to the fleas.

Angie said...

My Civil what? It's been so long since I've seen 'em, I can't remember what they were. Guess that was the plan all along, eh?

American Hill BIlly said...

This reminds me of a couple of things. When I used to do electrical work; I'd hear a story here, or there, but knew they were true. Take a 600 Kcmil copper line. That is about an 1" thick of copper. A lot of weight. Which means a lot of money. In out door/underground conduits/ducts you'd have around 4 of these per each. I know this is confusing, but cutting the ends, and taking that would net you today around 10,000. for real.

The other thing Grave Robbing. Morticians were famous for taking dead people's gold fillings. Who would really look? Not many!

Peace and Freedom

Randal Graves said...

liberality, of course the dead need their shiny trinkets and faux-silk coffin padding. Need something fancy to look at while waiting for that lazy boatman.

ME, fifty cents for a fucking gumball? What's in it, copper?

diva, okjimm would make a great king because he'd never make us work, just drink beer and eat those cheap donuts.

okjimm, you'll need a Praetorian Trollop/Strumpet/Crumpet guard. I humbly offer my services!

christopher, he probably did die at some point, but after calling his unholy master, they resurrected him and he's some biomechanical zombiefied thing.

Someone really needs to do a horror flick on this guy.

fran, no apologies necessary. The real thing is far more important than the tubes.

susan, manhole covers? Really? I know they're one of the few things that's actually still manufactured in the US.

angie, bit by bit until you don't even know they're gone. Evil geniuses they are.

AHB, 10k isn't anything to sneeze, wheeze or cough at. Hmm, maybe I'll start looking around for some stray copper wiring.