Thursday, July 31, 2008

Skeleton keys

Hmm, that's quite odd.

Holy hell!

Ah, it burns!

There are some weird motherfuckers out there. Glad I'm not one of 'em.

Not a very bold statement, I realize, and when one compares this place to others that get even weirder motherfuckers for whatever reason, legitimate or not, it'll seem even less striking. And after I humorlessly discuss a few keywords of The Google® that led people to unlock the hidden cubic zirconia treasures of this mediocre blog, it'll seem even less than that. That's a lot of less. Which is what I seem to specialize in.

At We Lick Toxic Imports Clean!, we have lots of less!

I know, I should have majored in marketing.

I don't have fourteen billion readers, thank Beelzebub -- only a deranged lunatic ready to snap at a moments notice into a bloodthirsty spree killer would want to have an über-blog -- so the words and/or phrases that the socially maladjusted porn-surfers (as opposed to us suave, debonair porn-surfers) typically use in their neverending search for [collection of various body parts] [action] [smutty residue] -- Adult Entertainment Mad Libs are the future of fun! -- are quite limited chez Randal, so here are the ones that, for some reason, occurred the most:

mrs bradley franiam. Um, Fran, any ideas?

Variations on ennui such as the properly articled l'ennui and the quick-and-dirty ennui. No explanation needed. We are legion, a joyless lot, neither happy nor sad, but merely 'meh.' The title of this blog in myriad permutations and misspellings is also quite popular.

A few fete nationales also appeared, some with the accent circonflexe, most without, some with bonne, some not. Vive la France and all that jazz, fellow honorary frogs. Now go eat a hamburger.

satan's coming around the bend. Aw yeah, now we're talkin'! Sabbath, motherfucker! Either that or some minion of LaVey is really quite hopeful. Don't forget your goat leggings!

Wait. Isn't Satan already here?

"Why yes, future Happy Meal, I am."

The rest of the keywords are smaller in number, but here are a few that, good, bad or bizarre, caught my eye.

amour sorcier parfümleri. I'm not familiar with any literary reference to heavily-cologned French love wizards, so I don't get what this dude (chick?) was searching for. Did les Français invent a new subgenre of skin flick I don't know about?

I can totally get behind the chris matthews terminated campaign.

Yeah sure, like you're gonna buy me a billion hamburgers and watch them change the sign. There are better uses of your time. That sign ain't going nowhere, son.

how do you spell crazy in german. I don't know, maybe we should ask Barack Hussein X since he's so tight with them. Though I guess any lie-brul will do since they are, by definition, fascists.

press play media lusty grandmas. Sorry, you want the abodes of the future president and vice president.

the sickness of ennui. Whomever you are, I've got it, too. Solidarność!

you re fucking weird award. He also won the no apostrophe award.

tentacles squid pussy fuck. Jeez, I'm even getting the hentai dudes.

But my personal favorite has to be when husbands go to work xxx. Why? Because I haven't had so much as a u, v or w experience here, let alone an x.

Well, there was that one time...


Dr. Zaius said...

"how do you spell crazy in German."

Is that a trick question? now, is it one umläut or two...

Mary Ellen said...

tentacles squid pussy fuck.

Ooops...that was me googling, sorry. I was pretty surprised that it brought me to this site. That's when I knew we must be soul mates or somethin'. ;-)

Dean Wormer said...


On a related note I came here by googling gerbil heels andydick.

Utah Savage said...

You're more interesting than I thought. I'm sorry I missed your post on something something lusty grandmas. I might have learned a trick or two.

Swinebread said...

Fractal French Frankenstein Fracus

Unconventional Conventionist said...

Hmmm. Just google something and make my comment for me. Thanks.

Randal Graves said...

dr. zaius, don't forget ß!

ME, I'll show you my tentacle if you, well, nevermind. ;-)

dean, damn you Google cache, I thought I got rid of that post.

utah, this is a full-service blog. Of course, the service is pretty bad.

swinebread, dammit, no results!

UC, now that's lazy. I'm impressed.

My Inner French Girl said...

Hey, how'd you get that photo of my Uncle Jose?

So that's where all my freakin' forks went.

Maybe you should Google that last statement and see what comes up. I suspect you'll find the results...veddy veddy interesting. :-)


Tom Harper said...

I loved those 2 pictures at the top. Nice to see my old family photos again. Brought back those halcyon memories. I'd almost forgotten about...wait...WTF???

How'd you get ahold of them???

DCup said...

Now, really thrill me and translate it all into le francais. Merci.

thatgirl said...

yeah, people found me by googling "amazing things for kids to see around youngstown and cleveland," and "pitchers of girls in bikinis,"

nothing nearly as exciting as yours.

okjimm said...

tentacles squid pussy fuck. hmmmm

Gees, all of a sudden I want sushi for supper....... or a date.

decisions. I wonder if I can combine the two?

Sweet Suzie Sushi by the Seashore?

Bradda said...

"Press play media lusty grandmas"

Sorry, don't know how you found that one. Thought I covered my bases. Embarrassing!:)

DivaJood said...

Um, that pincushion person, how does she get an MRI or a CAT Scan?

susan said...

Okay, here I am admitting I'm out of it but how do you find out what search words people have used to find your blog? Not that I really need to know since out of habit I label my posts with words like 'drivel' or 'fluctuations of quarks in quantum mass theory' just to keep the wingnuts away.

diva - he/she probably lights up real good. people with tattooed eyeliner can't have mri's either since their eyelids will stick to the top of the machine.. i think.

Bradda said...

I too have a nasty habit of sticking my finger nails through my tongue when I'm nervous.

Snave said...

One of the few German words I know is "scheise", and I think it can be interchangeable with "crazy" at times, can't it?

Aieee!!!! Those four pictures are truly the stuff nightmares are made of, Randal. I imagine some kind of swirling, satanic death metal music playing as background for the pictures, particularly for the third one...

Liberality said...

those people ARE weird! Jebus H Christ what the fuck are those people doing?
pincushion face--wtf!
stick a fork in me guy???
but the last picture is by far the worst--I forsee millions of deaths/torture/shot-in-the-face kind of things happening with him.

Randal Graves said...

marjorie, I used The Google, but I didn't see any pictures of Rove carrying a sack of forks at all!

tom, those are relatives? You've gotta have the best family reunions around. Well, ones that drive one to drink, anyway.

dcup, pas de problème. Just give me a couple of moments to fire up ole babel fish...

thatgirl, that last one is ridiculous. Everyone knows that if you use a pitcher, the girls will fall out. Milk cartons are much better.

okjimm, say that five times fast and you'll probably get served a hamburger.

bradda, The Google remembers all, my friend.

diva, by taking many, many hours removing each and every piece of metal. And I'm sure some are very difficult to get at.

susan, well, there's all kinds of ways to track stuff. I know a lot of folks use sitemeter, which keeps track of nearly everything I think. I just signed up with google analytics, which I don't think is as detailed as the others.

snave, I even frightened myself a little bit with that one. I might have been overzealous in trying to scare you all.

liberality, I'm all in favor of free expression, but wouldn't something like that be kind of annoying to maintain? Cuts into precious slack time!

As for those final two photos, see my comment to snave. Those are the weirdest motherfuckers of all.

Spartacus said...

Not a very bold statement, I realize, and when one compares this place to others that get even weirder motherfuckers for whatever reason, legitimate or not, it'll seem even less striking. And after I humorlessly discuss a few keywords of The Google® that led people to unlock the hidden cubic zirconia treasures of this mediocre blog, it'll seem even less than that.

Your blog is mediocre? Hardly. I love those keyword searches you posted. I'm thinking about cullling mine for a post, but I worry what I may find because I post about my kids.

FranIAm said...

This Mrs Bradley thing must cease. I am not Mrs Bradley!

First someone else and now you... Very curious indeed. No doubt Dick Cheney is involved!!

Anonymous said...

Did someone say Mrs. Bradley?


Mrs. Bradley

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