Wednesday, July 23, 2008

"Working is for chumps."

"I know that's right, I haven't worked in eight years, heh heh."

Just when I've begun to master in a soulful, serene, Kung Fu style the ancient art of obligation avoidance, along comes a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. That requires *gasp* work.

I'm not saying that lovely and talented presidential candidate DivaJood isn't sharp as a Ginsu, but as her campaign manager, my primary job is to both formulate and disseminate her platform which proffers a major paradigm shift in -- hang on, I know I left that Politician Gobbledygook Translator's Manual around here somewhere. Ah, here we are: Turrists! 9/11! Muslims! Libruls! Tax cuts! God Bless 'murka!

Man, that bullshit hurts. Wingnuts must be born without nerve endings.

Anyway, part of this platform is the requirement of fabulous dress. Given my notorious lack of a suave, sartorial nature, being tapped for this position is highly comical, akin to putting a Republican in charge of anything and hoping for a beneficial outcome for anyone but major corporations.

But I'll give it the ole drunken college try, as she promised, being a guru of all things travelin', that I'd get to go here on Air Force One. So everyone, vote for Diva so I can finally, officially, get my frog on. Yeah, we'll deal with the economy and all that crap. Bunch of fucking whiners. Sheesh.

Oh yeah, the platform. Almost forgot.

Wow, this is just like work.

1. Universal health care. There's a no brainer if ever there was one.

2. Free donuts for everyone to wash down with your choice of beer, grainy or rooty, also free.

3. Protecting our precious interment heritage.

4. Sorry, Pentagon, gotta slash your bank account. We have met the real enemy and it is global warming, not some asshole goatherders once bankrolled by us, now by lunatic royalty in togas. Plus we have to pay for all those free donuts and beer. Wanna fund your next illegal and immoral intervention? Try a bake sale.

"What, me worry bake?"

5. Mandatory military service for pro-war citizens and their offspring.

6. Hmm, now that's interesting. Oh, hey. You taxpayers think Iraq is a money pit? You really should take a gander at these off-the-books military projects. Why, we could fund deep and long-lasting -- easy there McCain, this ain't a Viagra commercial. Look! That woman is buying birth control! Get her! -- nationwide support for music and the arts, and not that piddling 'please Mr. Government, can I have $100 for some new easels and sheet music stands if all my students pass your vile NCLB tests?'

See what you can spend your money on when you are no longer an empire?

7. Since we're on the subject of things that we could better spend our money on, how about our infrastructure and public transportation systems? I bet some of that Sweet N' Stealthy black budget cash can fix a whole lotta bridges.

8. Warrantless wiretapping will be limited to Republican targets. You've got nothing to hide, right? Lighten up, we're just kidding. Maybe.

9. No more sports championships for the cities of Noo Yawk and Bah-ston for awhile. Although given that the candidates for President, Vice President and Secretary of the Treasury, Homeland Security and Supreme Commissioner of Sporting Events (dude, when are you going to sleep?) all hail from Chicago, this Clevelander remains skeptical at the chance of a Brown, Indian or Cav raising one of those shiny trophies any time soon.

"That's right Randal, can't trust a Chicagoan. Ah-roo!"

10. Now there's a face you can trust. Activist Supreme Court justices that actively work at being activisty for everyone. Yes, I too was shocked to learn that entities other than corporations do indeed exist in America. Quelle surprise !

11. The NHL back on regular cable teevee. (This one's mine, I hope the next president doesn't fire me. Proactive is a good quality, right? Hey, what am I supposed to do with this pink piece of paper?)

12. Oh, that fancy dress ball thing? Better go buy a tie. Don't worry, if you can't afford classy duds, we'll just shift those SUV tax breaks to the purchase of quality threads.

Vote for Diva '08 or we'll send you to The Undisclosed Location!


Frederick said...

That is the very same UFO picture I used in the header for Guys from Area 51. Non-workers unite!

Mary Ellen said...

Wow, you did a great job on this platform...and so early in the morning. Man, you're making the rest of us look bad, go eat a donut or something and relax.

btw, what's that big thing in your cartoon eye? I'm not sure if it's a monocle or a case of pink eye that got out of hand. You should have that looked at...good lookin' duds, though.

okjimm said...

Looks good so far, buddy, but I gotza problem at #11.....

The NHL back on regular cable teevee

...isn't that somewhat like endorsing a program of National Torture?

Dean Wormer said...

If we add L.A. to that no more sports championship thing (including USC) then I'm on board.

DivaJood said...

Randal, Randal, you have outdone yourself with this. I was busy with a small emergency yesterday istead of campaigning.

Dean Wormer, I am sure that Mathman will promise to include Los Angeles on that no more sports championship thing. After all, Randal is creating a platform broad enough for me and VEEP Nunly to tap dance all over.

Randal Graves said...

frederick, ha! Wait, does typing this comment constitute work?

ME, but mon amie, blogging is not work, but a labor of, well, avoiding work. That's my sexy, intelligent, upper class British Pierce Brosnan monocle. The ladies go ga-ga over it. Or perhaps they're laughing.

okjimm, that's it. You're buying the next two rounds. Would one of you talentless goons forecheck this Wisconsinite already?

dean, excellent catch. I mean, Pete Carroll is the super bestest coach ever, he could coach a 1-AA team to the national championship!

diva, merci but yet, avoiding being set on fire is probably a bit more important than meeting and greeting. Although I think it was just a ploy for you to hang out with those firedudes.

Unconventional Conventionist said...

Can I be the Minister of UFOs please? That's what it costs to buy my vote.

DivaJood said...

Unconventional, of course you can be Minister of UFOs. What will you do? Can you glow in the dark, and make scary noises?

Randal, I wore a skirt in case those firedudes come back - but our IT person told me I am not allowed to call them just for fun.

Anonymous said...

Dang, those are some pretty fucked up priorities, my friend.


Utah Savage said...

I still want to be Chief of the Supremes. Dive you promised. I'll enforce the fancy duds code.

Mary Ellen said...

My concern is for how we can get the press to cover this campaign. I had a few ideas on my blog post today...but could use some wardrobe ideas from you, Randal.

(Ok...I know I put up my post kinda late. I've decided that for now on my post deadline is noon, if I feel like writing a post, that is. I've decided that I like the slacker lifestyle.)

Liberality said...

The campaign platform sounds good to me. I could care less about the sports crap but that's just me ;D
As head of the EPA I am going to require that all rooftops are covered in solar panels/shingles. Immediate tax check rebates will be issued so that all can afford to follow this directive. Wolves will be available to eat certain red creatures. We are especially interested in one creature named Rove, another named Libby, and of course there's the Bush creature (if you could call him that) and a Cheney creature (we are pretty sure he comes from some place called hell). Yeah, all that works for me and those wolves are really hungry too!

Randal Graves said...

UC, do you know any aliens? Can you get your hands on a Death Ray?

diva, you could always drop a match in your trashcan.

dcup, once diva is elected, no more bombing, no bid-contracts, Richie Rich tax cuts, but art, music, hedonism, quality health care and slapshots.

utah, I think we need to post a list somewhere of who's who. There are too many damn positions in the federal government to keep track of!

ME, oh, I've got a few wardrobe ideas.

'bout time you decided to buy in to the slacker ethos. It's groovy.

liberality, those are some truly excellent ideas, but for Libby, wouldn't it be poetic justice if he was eaten by a bear instead? ;-)

DivaJood said...

Utah is definately Big Chief Justice and she had some terrific wardrobe ideas.

Randal, I don't have any matches. Can I just try rubbing two sticks together?

Dean Wormer said...

One other thing Randal- I think you might appreciate this.

Wingnuts are now complaining that Barack Obama had a pamphlet for his rally in Germany printed in German to hand out in Germany.

Somehow that's not nativist or something.

Randal Graves said...

diva, Big Chief Justice sounds like some bad cigar store Indian deal. ;-)

Two sticks might work. Any pieces of flint lying around?

dean, dude, what the FUCK. OMG, Obama, is a black Muslim AND a Nazi!

These people are fucking morons and their vote counts (dismissing Diebold for a moment) the same as ours. That's frightening.

susan said...

Does the Secretary of State have to take dictation, write shorthand or type 90wpm? Maybe it's the Administrative Assistant of State who does that. I'll look into it while the Filing Clerk of State goes out for more donuts.

okjimm said...

// Filing Clerk of State goes out for more donuts //

Hey, and not just ANY donuts...Jelly Donuts. The cabinet needs to be filled with jelly donuts. And then with fill both chambers of the house with jelly donuts. And pack the Supreme Courtz with donuts.

Shit, the present administration is full of donuts.... we can up grade to JELLY donuts.

Tom Harper said...

Whah hail, we done got us a commie running for prezdent of these here United States. Health care??? Fixing bridges??? What kind of pinko socialist nonsense is that :)

Utah Savage said...

Big Chief Indian as leader of the Supremes is me. Choctaw DNA. And according to the folks from India I know I would be considered of the Warrior caste.

Utah Savage said...

And yes, you are rather sexy with the monocle.

Bradda said...

I can easily say that #5 is the platform I would fight for. Draft Bill Kristol!

Anonymous said...

Hey, can we all get a monocle? And do we have to have our hearts and brains removed like he current administration did?

DivaJood said...

//Does the Secretary of State have to take dictation, write shorthand or type 90wpm?//

No, 60 wpm will do just fine.

Tom Harper, there are still cabinet positions available, or you could be one of the Supremes. Utah is the Big Chief Supreme, though.

Bradda, c'mon over and volunteer to be Secretary of The Fence, and send Bill Kristol to Iraq.

Monocles for everyone.

No Randal, you are not fired.

Randal Graves said...

Aw man, is this gig ever sweet. I don't get fired, plus diva answers my commenters. I'm heading over to okjimm's place for a beer.

But as good as jelly donuts are, everyone knows that ones with custard are the best.

DivaJood said...

Hey, who's the candidate? You're just the manager. Save the chocolate covered donuts for me, please. ;}

okjimm said... Jelly! Not chocolate...&not custard...Jelly! you know, that kind where the jelly is the un-id'd red shit, ya know, like you can't tell for sure if it is supposed to be raspberry or strawberry...C'mon, ya know...the kind cops eat. THOSE donuts!!!

susan said...

The current administration is just filled with 'holes'. We can do way better than that with any kind of donut.

btw - Glad nobody mentioned Krispy Cremes as the favorite. Those suckers give me heartburn.

Randal Graves said...

diva, what's that boss? I couldn't hear you through my Marshall wall-of-amps chewing. ;-)

okjimm, I don't think it's either, it's just 'red.' Didn't Homer once say 'purple is a fruit?' Same thing goes for this. But I'm glad you like 'em, more custard for me!

susan, even donut holes themselves?

Krispy Kreme? UGH. Those aren't donuts, those are circular globs of sugar.

DivaJood said...

I just realized, you've permanently started wearing the monocle. What class. All low, but that's what this campaign is about, n'est ce pas?

FranIAm said...

I hope Divajood gives you both a cabinet position AND a seat on the Supreme Court.

Donuts and decisions, Randal style.

You will make one great two-fer.

Anonymous said...

Dude, we'll have to talk about that Noo Yawk championship stuff. But then again, I guess that's what Presidential cabinet meetings are for. I'll see what I can do about bringing the NHL back to regular cable teevee in Cleveland; but it would help a great deal if you can drag the resident Ohio team out of Columbus.

pissed off patricia said...

You had my vote at donuts. If everyone gets free donuts, then heck I can retire from the cake business. Cool!

Randal Graves said...

diva, Madame President, low is the only class I know.

fran, Supreme Court? Well, only if I can wear my shorts n' sneakers underneath those swanky robes.

spartacus, I'd love to move the Blue Jackets up here, but for as much as hockey is entrenched at the high school level, it just cannot catch on at the pro level. Hell, 30 years since we had an NHL team.

POP, see? Voting for this ticket is the best thing an American can do!

Anonymous said...

All very well said! However, since I gave up employment for lent in 1995, my kung fu is better then yours!

The scientifically impossible I do right away
The spiritually miraculous takes a bit longer

Randal Graves said...

Hey man, lent is over, get back to work and stimulate that economy!

Dusty said...

I really hate Scalia..and would like nothing better than to meet him in a very dark alley in Los Angeles..after I have polished off a bottle of my favorite Chardonnay.

This was quite the interesting post never cease to amaze me.

Randal Graves said...

Oh, I'd be more than happy if you'd allow me to help you deal with that asshat of judicial clownery.