Friday, July 18, 2008

And a side of freedom fries.

Right. Like we'd ever open up anything remotely resembling diplomatic contact with Iranistan. That would be weak-kneed, Chambermaid appeasement. Mmmm, the naughty diaries of hypocritical society.

I meant Chamberlain.

Shut up.

Anyway, next thing you know, you'll be telling me those goddamn frogs are getting hip to American traditions.

Even if you couldn't be on the Champs-Élysées for Bastille Day on Monday to watch seven parachutists float down in front of President Nicolas Sarkozy, you can still celebrate the greatness of France with a new local tradition.

Eat a hamburger.
This is a bloody outrage, that's what this is! First you steal our beef stew and call it boeuf bourguignon -- made with wine instead of beer? How prétentieux! -- and now this. But go on and play your little game, you cheese-eating surrender monkeys.
"It has the taste of the forbidden, the illicit - the subversive, even," said Hélène Samuel, a restaurant consultant in Paris. "Eating with your hands, it's pure regression. Naturally, everyone wants it."
Subversive? Mademoiselle, you don't know the first thing about subversive.

Take that!

And that!

And that!

Coups! Oil! Hippies! Negroes! Commies! Murder! Hulk smash!

Oh no! Must we resort to cheap and tawdry fisticuffs to get things done nowadays?

Whew! Much better. So, baby, your telephone, or mine?
"I think it's shocking, but at the same time the French are realizing that a burger is real food, it's good," said Boulud.
As us uncultured hand-eaters on the other side of the Atlantic say, duh.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to drag my knuckles over to my Senior Leader Intransit Pallet and chow down on this delicious French delicacy.

Hmm, some soothing music would make the perfect apéritif. Oh, friar?

Now that's what I call Il Convivio!


Mary Ellen said...

I can't tell you how many times I was told on a particular French blog how terrible Americans were because we were "flag waving" nationalists. Then they go off to their Bastille Day celebration, wave their flags, enjoy picnics and fireworks, have parades, --just like our Independence Day celebrations. Now they are serving hamburgers???? (probably horse meat). Let them eat cake! Leave our hamburgers alone!

DivaJood said...

Jeeze, next thing you know, they'll start making fried chicken in Provence and call it Le Sud Poulet Frite or somesuch nonsense. Is nothing sacred anymore?

DCup said...

Heh. When I went to school in Dijon, I want out for pizza with some French and Moroccan friends. When my delicious pizza was placed whole in front of me, I sliced a wedge out of it and picked it up and ate it WITH MY HANDS!

My companions were shocked!

P.S. Some of the best hamburgers I've ever eaten were at a joint called InnBurger. In France.

Dean Wormer said...

Silly randal.

We have to diplomat Iran before we can blow them up.

We wouldn't want the world to think we're unreasonable.

Unconventional Conventionist said...

I always like it when someone uses the phrase "cheese eating surrender monkeys."

Randal Graves said...

ME, oh hell, that's just one French blog. Fuck 'em. I know someone in France and she's real nice. I'm just glad people the world over realize the awesome power of a well-made hamburger.

diva, you're right! Ignore my comment to ME, I was obviously under the command of some Gaulish Mind Control Ray! That fried chicken is ours!

dcup, heh heh, that would've been funny to see. Didn't Le Pen always go around praising some bullshit notion of French purity going back to the Merovingians?

I'd wager that Clovis and Co., even post-conversion, ate with their hands.

dean, excellent point. Imagine what would happen if the world did think that about us. I shudder.

UC, I just wish I had a sound clip of Groundskeeper Willie saying it!

Mary Ellen said...

P.S. Some of the best hamburgers I've ever eaten were at a joint called InnBurger. In France.

Are you sure they were beef?

Regarding French blogs---I know there are a lot of great French blogs out there...I noticed that you visit L'Amerloque? We go way back...or as L'Amerloque would say..."L'Amerloque and Mary Ellen know each other well." :-) I love that third person guy! Of course, he is an American, but the way I figure it, he's just as much French since he's lived there so long.

okjimm said...

Now....a hamburger CAN be a thing of beauty....and I bet the French are doing it RIGHT. Not some ten month old frozen 1/8 ounce bullshit!

I remember, fondly, a tavern about a 45 minute drive...a three-in-one (family lived upstairs, dance hall in the back and pub up front) The dude would grind his own hamburger from a side of beef and then grill it....fantastic! He had a 1/4 acre veggie plot out in back; in the fall we would drive there for some of the most fantastic beef vegtable soup, a burger and a Leinenkugels. Life is good if you respect your meat! ;)

Randal Graves said...

ME, I think some would assimilate better. As much as I love lotso Frenchie stuff, oh how I'd miss American football. I'd have to get satellite or something.

okjimm, are you saying I shouldn't have cooked up those burgers I found buried in the back of my freezer?

And what the hell, you know every single good food establishment in Wisconsin. I think it's time for a road trip. You're buyin'!

Tom Harper said...

Damn those frogs, trying to steal American cuisine and pretending it's French.

We invented clam chowdah, and then those wine-sniffing cheese suckers stole our recipe. They call it bew-ee-a-baiz or something.

okjimm said...

Hey, you show, we go! Lotta food talk today...Issa getting hungry

the sunday night roast pork is fantastic

Liberality said...

NO, no, no! We don't want the French to emulate us, we want to emulate the French. This must be some dastardly conservative scheme! We want to have universal health care and to insist on talking with others rather than bombing them first--if they start emulating us that may all go out the window soon enough. Am I the only one who sees this plot for what it is? ;-)

okjimm said...

'we want to emulate the French'

ya gottza be kiddin wit me. Gees, I just barely learnt English and Ima supposed ta learn French? Wowsers, speaking Wisconsinese is tough, too!

Mary Ellen said...

tom harper- I just went to a "Chowda" festival in New Hampshire about a month ago, while visiting my daughter. Man, I've never had so many different kinds of "chowda" in my life, it was great! There is no way the French can compare chowder, no way! USA! USA! ...and all that. :-)

Mary Ellen said...

okjimm- emulate the French? Damn, does that mean I can leave my dog shit all over the sidewalks when I walk my dog? I think we need to emulate only a few things about the their wine. Wait..we already have great California wine (from what I hear, even the French like it!). Ok...I have to admit, their language is beautiful, all that toi and moi stuff, sounds very pretty. And they do have the Louve, so I'll give them that.

Übermilf said...

Have they tried them avec frommage?

Of course they must have, given their nickname.

M.Yu said...

Oh yeah?
Well do the French serve hamburgers in THEIR Military comfort capsules? I'll bet we do...

and NO...a 37 inch TV is NOT too big for a Command comfort capsule. Those Wendy's commercials look great in HD!

and YES... The full length mirror is very important you know...for looking at one's uniform to make sure there is no Top Secret sauce on your ribbons and no crumbs on your creases.
Senior Leaders have to look sharp you know. It scares the terrorists!

okjimm said...

Ah, yes, ME, the silly French! Goodness, and if goodness can be believed (and that is such an uncertainty) I would hold true that the French do not have a BASEBALL team!!!! I would say that nary a Frog has ever picked up a Hickory Stick and swatted a cowhide sphere made in Haiti to the outer limits of an indeterminate parameter to score what is so pithly refered to as a "Home Run". Ah, and what can be said of that! Ah! Dastardly Folk!! Ah, what can be said of a race that esteems the ingestion of,please bear with me, snails. Now given that it may that other cultures hold reference to certain culinary delights........and we should hold dear our differences dear rather than bemoan them....but turn me over and fuck me if you think I am gonna eat garden slugs!

Ok. Where was this post going? Ah, yes the French have reinvented the cusine of ground beef ala bun.
And there is a concensus that we should emulate more French culture than engage in the export of Plebian American nuances of cuisine.

OK. I have an idea....they are tearing down Yankee Stadium. Even up swap...The Effette Tower ( or whatever the fuck they call it) for Yankee Stadium. And some cheese. They throw in some cheese to seal the deal. Best of both worlds. They get baseball and we get a tower! (but I get the cheese for brokering the deal).

ana if they really reeally want a humbruger. OK.

Mary Ellen said...

okjimm- No! They can't have baseball! They'll ruin it! Think about it, have you ever watched their so-called football games (Soccer as it SHOULD be called. One little bump from another player and they're rolling around on the ground like they just has their legs cut off. Then...they rush the guy over to the sidelines as he writhes in pain and the entire team is surrounding him, sobbing and bemoaning his fate (a scrape on the knee or something). Then, the team doc comes over, pats the guy on his boo-boo and he jumps up...CURED!...and ready to run out on the field and play. It's as if Benny Hinn has just come and sent him the grace of the Lord to heal him! It's a miracle!!!!

No...they can't have baseball or they'll sissify it.

Randal Graves said...

tom, my man, they can have the chowdah.

okjimm, supper club? Sounds a little highbrow. I don't have to wear a tie, do I?

liberality, you might be right! I want my 35-hour work week!

okjimm, trying to learn a new language at my age is pretty stupid. Like you, I still have enough problems with Americanese!

ME, I bet we've got more neocons than they do. And bombs!

übermilf, le burger avec fromage. As long as it's not that horrid Kraft American cheese. Ugh.

m. yu, "Sir, what's that medal for?"

"Medal? That's just secret sauce. Clean it up, corporal."

okjimm, can we move The Fucking Yankees to France? They can have 'em! And the Red and White Sux too! Then we can play teams from Paris and Lyon and Nice, which I hear, actually is.

ME, um, you really want to use major league baseball as proof of America's strength and virility? Cecil Fielder and John Kruk played baseball. Even the best athletes sit on their ass for over half the game.

I won't defend the diving and flopping (which sadly exists in the NBA as well and should be punished with quick yellow cards and the occasional red for egregious violations), but when Zidane headbutted that Italian dude, there was more physical contact in those two seconds than in any MLB brawl of flailing and not connecting punches I can remember.

Plus, soccer players (like football and basketball and hockey) are in MUCH better shape than your average baseball dude.

If there are any sissies around here, it's the major league first baseman. ;-)