Ho-hum.

I had pondered penning a wondrous proposition proving the complex perfidy that proudly preens past, pressed hungrily against the patriotic potboiler whose purloined pseudonym is the pernicious Victory!®

but

since everyone knows insistent Iranian influence shall illuminate Iraq with such incandescence as to incinerate our irises, thus further inculcating an insidious incomprehension of inexorable intensity,

we are left with

naught but an endless gnawing of bloodstained grout found glissando on the greasy ground of our own greatest generational grotesquerie, the gurgling groan of greedy gullets its grimy elegy. Whatever, let's

rock and roll.

This post, like discothèques & glides through beauteous Cleveland vistas, is made possible, by you, the taxpayer.

I'm not lying, I wrote this at work. In fact, be happy/sad I'm a civil servant or you'd have one less blog to enjoy/avoid. Boy, do I have to be civil? I wish someone would serve me a sandwich, I'm fucking starving. This place needs a better lounge area.

















That balcony out back's gone unused for too long. No, I'm not going Black Tuesday. Plenty of space for a grill, mini fridge, comfy chair for flinging book sale rejections* at passers-by, like this guy.

Oh, who am I kidding. We're comrades-in-slack, this Mr. Bush (not that one, settle down, hippies) & I. Furthermore, 'tis a shame when such honesty as the below forces one to submit to rabid dogs masquerading as commoners & resign.

He said he cannot spend his entire day sitting in the county's administration building, where he has no office or Internet access. "I like to serve the people, but I've got to do stuff," he said.

You'd leave the office too if you didn't have internet (Internet? INTERNET!) access. I just hope these Osh Kosh Polygons have some. Seriously, what the fuck is there to do in Kyrgyzstan besides riot?

Oh. Your. God. Train kept a-rollin' all night long.

*we rarely, if ever, burn recycle items in lieu of putting them in the Perpetual Book Sale Machine. Once upon a time, you, yes, you, gentle reader, could have owned Walter Wager's Telefon in near-mint paperback or a copy of the 1970 Congressional Directory.

Title of post

1) Eye-catching introductory paragraph so overflowing with witticisms that it'll feel like someone took a wizz on your Hush Puppies.

2) Series of tangentially related anecdotes that may or may not include Tales From The Wheelie Bus.


















3) Sublimely crafted conclusion that determines the current tide of insanity engulfing both here and abroad can only mean one thing: that our miserable species has been stricken with the triumphant mark of Satan! Woe is us and such.


















I eat imaginary entities for breakfast! And also eggs!

"I didn't know Cthulhu had vocal cords."

Oh sure, but he's a quiet kind of slime. Generally keeps to himself when not devouring civilizations.

"That's nice, but one of your posts just isn't complete without you know what."

A death metal YouTube?

"No, dumbass."












Ha ha, fooled you. Did we start bombing Iran yet? Like anyone gives a rat's ass about Afghanistan. We gotta bomb someone worthy of scorn. Revolutionizing is for Real Patriots, you effete Orientals. Speaking of Real Patriots --


















"Grrr. Brilliant idea. Why I not think that? Grrr. Three grand buy lunch of third world children. Grrr."

Great. Cheney's been reactivated. There goes my plans to hike the Appalachian trail without fear of buckshot.













"Go on and hike, filthy hippie, I'll be safe behind my hi-tech shield!"

I know that if I were truly serious about security, I'd see about attaching a rider to the next bill outfitting members of Congress with their own, personalized Popemobile. And when they're on the floor ranting and/or raving, or crying if they're John Boehner, they should have to don a suit of armor. Never know when some bomb-thrower will be in the stands.














Don't forget to take into account wind resistance and gravity, otherwise all you'll do is nuke the poor clerk.

Dueling banjos

Dammit, entertainment wing of the military/industrial complex, you're doing it again. It isn't a duel unless there's blood.














"There's been blood."

Well then, carry on. Remember the Alamo what Rummy said.

"Democracy is messy?"

No -- turn and snap at ten paces.

And a side of freedom fries.

Right. Like we'd ever open up anything remotely resembling diplomatic contact with Iranistan. That would be weak-kneed, Chambermaid appeasement. Mmmm, the naughty diaries of hypocritical society.

I meant Chamberlain.

Shut up.

Anyway, next thing you know, you'll be telling me those goddamn frogs are getting hip to American traditions.

Even if you couldn't be on the Champs-Élysées for Bastille Day on Monday to watch seven parachutists float down in front of President Nicolas Sarkozy, you can still celebrate the greatness of France with a new local tradition.

Eat a hamburger.

This is a bloody outrage, that's what this is! First you steal our beef stew and call it boeuf bourguignon -- made with wine instead of beer? How prétentieux! -- and now this. But go on and play your little game, you cheese-eating surrender monkeys.

"It has the taste of the forbidden, the illicit - the subversive, even," said Hélène Samuel, a restaurant consultant in Paris. "Eating with your hands, it's pure regression. Naturally, everyone wants it."

Subversive? Mademoiselle, you don't know the first thing about subversive.
















Take that!























And that!

















And that!

Coups! Oil! Hippies! Negroes! Commies! Murder! Hulk smash!

















Oh no! Must we resort to cheap and tawdry fisticuffs to get things done nowadays?























Whew! Much better. So, baby, your telephone, or mine?

"I think it's shocking, but at the same time the French are realizing that a burger is real food, it's good," said Boulud.

As us uncultured hand-eaters on the other side of the Atlantic say, duh.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to drag my knuckles over to my Senior Leader Intransit Pallet and chow down on this delicious French delicacy.

Hmm, some soothing music would make the perfect apéritif. Oh, friar?















Now that's what I call Il Convivio!

Mexed Missages

On a day -- okay, evening -- okay, morning -- that should have been saved exclusively for the Beer, Brats and Boobs celebration of AMERICAN over those effeminate Nationals from Old Europe --

"I think they're also American baseball play --"

Shut up you fucking communist. It's AMERICAN. Anyway, before I was rudely interrupted -- you guys know what to do, wink wink, nudge nudge -- in lamenting the utter lack of serious coverage this monumental event so richly deserves, a moment in time sure to become a touchstone in the annals --















"Hey stretch, he said annals. That's the butt, heh, heh."

"Yes, sir."

-- of world history, I discovered this bonechilling development:

Iran's national basketball team has been invited by the NBA to train in Utah and play against NBA and NBA Development League teams in preparation for the Beijing Olympics.

Evildoers who take pride in blowing up our women, children and frozen embryos are sending some of their tallest suicide bombers here? Just think of what carnage they can wreak from so high in the atmosphere as they bounce round balls on AMERICAN soil, a verdant, Christian soil that some would say is our Holy of Holies, Utah! (Hey, Willard loves the Lord as much as you or I do. He simply wears haute couture underpants.)

What kind of precedent does this set, allowing these bloodthirsty anarchists from a barbarian land who indeed thirst, anarchically, for the blood of said women, children and frozen embryos to travel through The Shining City on a Hill without fear of arrest, of being thrown in a dark, dank stench of a dungeon where toilets are filled with the urine-soaked pages of the Koran, the tainted innards of the non-believer and the last, uneaten bite of two kinds of fruit, deservedly without hope of ever seeing again the saving light of Republican Jesus?

Are we really going to let the Axis of Evil win the day?


















"We've got the biggest balls of them all!"

And who is behind this diabolical plot?

"In an increasingly turbulent world, it is rewarding to bring people together to celebrate teamwork, discipline and respectful competition on the court," NBA Commissioner David Stern said in a statement. "The NBA embraces the opportunity to welcome the Basketball Federation of Iran and the Iranian Olympic team in a demonstration of how something as simple as a game of basketball can promote understanding."

Stern!

Traitorous bastard!

Heathen criminal!

Didn't you get the memo? Iran is only permitted to survive for two reasons, and two reasons alone:

1. buying our crappy stuff
2. maintaining their status as a Cartoon Supervillain.













"Kneel before Zod! I mean, me!"

Speaking of Cartoon Supervillains, who the fuck are the twenty-eight percenters in this poll? Is there some new strain of Extra-Groovy Technicolor LSD sweeping the nation? I didn't think disaffected suburbanites would get bored this soon with blowing themselves up in their basement meth labs.

And these are people who admit to approving Der Leader. You and I both know there are more who are simply ashamed to reveal such things in any forum, even an anonymous telephone conversation. So, best case scenario, the Wingnut Machine only needs twenty-two percent plus one to keep the White House. Well, seventeen, perhaps. One assumes at least five percent will consist of Diebold thievery.

And I haven't even mentioned the inevitable Really Bad Thing® that'll miraculously occur between now and November 4 to help bolster McCain's one strength among the unwashed masses. Sure, the economy is jury-rigged with spit and chewing gum and you have no health care, but look! Iran-funded Al-Qaeda underneath your bed!

Still think Obama is a lock?

Underestimate the stupidity and paranoia of this nation at your own peril.














Since we're on the subject of stupid and paranoid nations, yes, that Border Patrol SUV is still parked out front of that Embassy Suites hotel. Methinks something big is afoot. For example, a not-all-that-discreet tryst. And no, this isn't the actual machine, which is much nicer and not as filthy. I guess we don't get a lot of illegal aliens and shipments of hockey sticks, SCTV tapes and weed crossing the invisible AMERICAN-Canadian border floating on Lake Erie.

Empire's State of Building

"Pickles reads newspapers and she told me Iranistan tested missiles in the Gulf of Hormel. I didn't know they owned a body of water. They make some good chili!"














"Yeah, Care Bear called 'em out. Just giving you what you want."














"Blowing up brown people keeps the Coke flowing. And if that doesn't work, there's always smokes! Pass me a napkin, trollop!"
















"I have no time for questions about the Great Satan. Can't you see I'm listening to the new Beatles album? Yes, music is slow to get here. But not bras and bull semen!"

Do I have a post? No No No

Must we let them fool us? no no no!
Have we got our freedom? no no no!
Is it getting better? no no no!
Do we love each other? no no no!
Must we wait forever no no no just until the Great Porn Dragon comes!

Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran

"I'm outta here. Good luck, suckers, you're gonna need it."

Rumors of War

If I had a band, it'd be just like High on Fire: fucking ugly and fucking loud.

Oh, relax. They're only rumors.

It's not as if there exists a concerted, coordinated effort to:

1. Shamelessly promote mindless consumerism

2. Through enlisting the help of so-called allies

3. To divert attention from the greatest foreign policy fuck-up in American history

4. In order to vigorously prop up an even more scarifying cartoon supervillain

5. To maintain the numbing disinformation campaign of the status quo.

Jeez, you moonbats sure are gullible.

Six steps to a better you!

"Don't worry, Mushy, we have a plan for mis-der-eck-shun, heh, heh."


Step one: send in the inspectors.

Step two: conveniently ignore salient points.

Step three: ratchet up the rhetoric.

Step four: send in the big cheese.

Next week, we'll learn steps five and six: how to conveniently ignore his findings and then blow shit up.

This time-tested program worked for Iraq, it can work for you, too!

Mid-morning mis-der-eck-shun update!
"Those wacky Iranians, what are you gonna do!"
"Oh, I don't know, buy everything hook, line and sinker, I suppose."

The Axis of Evil

Screw Iran, you know who we really should invade...

A new U.S. intelligence report says Iran halted its nuclear weapons program in 2003 and it remains on hold, contradicting the Bush administration's earlier assertion that Tehran was intent on developing a bomb.

Those devious, freedom-hating bastards! We need cartoon supervillans to support our raison d'être the truth to be told about the dastardly regimes!

Tensions have escalated in recent months as Washington has ratcheted up the rhetoric against Tehran, with U.S. President George W. Bush insisting in October that a nuclear-armed Iran could lead to World War Three.

Um, World War Four, Mr. Reuters dumbass. Which started in 1979. Where the hell did you go to journalism school, Ayatollah U? Deliberately misquoting Der Leader is, dare I say, bordering on treasonous.

A key NIE finding was that: "Tehran's decision to halt its nuclear weapons program suggests it is less determined to develop nuclear weapons than we have been judging since 2005."

Still, the report said: "We also assess with moderate-to-high confidence that Tehran at a minimum is keeping open the option to develop nuclear weapons."

Sweet Mephistopheles! Who knows what a nation with a vast nuclear arsenal could do! USA, you're going down.

They moved April Fools' Day and didn't tell me!

Fifty-two percent.

52% of Americans are comfortable with dropping munitions upon the heads of Iranians, which will, of course, result in their fiery and painful deaths, a punishment deserved because the cartoon supervillians that run our nation require, in their limited, Manichean faux-worldview, a cartoon supervillian even more outrageous and animated than they themselves are.

I understand the power of propaganda, but given the fact that in poll after poll Bush's popularity hovers around the average January temperature in the northern U.S., this only proves once more that the average American is an idiot and that Bush eating a live baby on television is the only action that could possibly, irrevocably, sever his lunacy from our own appetite for it. And I have serious reservations about that.

I'm going to have a drink.

Mirror, mirror on the wall

Who's the lyingest of them all?

"There is an Iranian history of obfuscation and, indeed, lying to the IAEA," she said, referring to the International Atomic Energy Agency.

"There is a history of Iran not answering important questions about what is going on and there is Iran pursuing nuclear technologies that can lead to nuclear weapons-grade material," Rice told reporters aboard her plane as she headed to Moscow.

We certainly have the moral high ground here, with our complete lack of verbal prestidigitation and physical legerdemain throughout the long and storied history of our beloved shining city on a hill, a beacon to all the downtrodden of the world, notably those swarthy types who live on top of our oil most disadvantaged by the cruel vagaries of fate whose strings are controlled by the dark puppetmaster of the infernal depths, Satan.

Oh, how that beaming sun of democracy and freedom has shone brightest within the last six glorious years, the most spectacular and heartwarming show of trust and love towards our brothers and sisters across the seas and throughout all of the Lord's domain since the dawn of time, Amen.

Which is precisely why, lying or not, Iran would probably like some fucking nukes. Would you trust us? It's too bad they'd pose such a threat as to dwarf the measly two or three ICBMs pointed at us for about 40 years, making us all wet our pants and hide under Bill Kristol's bed. Not sure if there's enough room for 300 million, but by gosh, we'll sure try!

Would you like some depression with your coffee?

OHMYFUCKINGGODWEREGONNADIE!

Think it's only gasbag wingnut hairpieces acting out their Halo 3 fantasy? Think again.

The officials say the Iranians fully understand that while the United States could destroy Iran's major nuclear facilities, it would be far harder to manage the probable response, which could include heightened attacks on American forces in Iraq, possible retaliation on Israel or the destabilization of governments from Lebanon to Pakistan.

Very true, especially since Mahmoud is personally directing all insurgency actions in Iraq itself via his NUCLEAR-powered Supervillian® Mind Control Device. What to do, what to do...I've got it!

So discussions now center on cutting off even more lending to the Iranians and - for the first time - supplies of technology and other goods. But that would require severing, one by one, deep ties between European and Iranian businesses, and necessitate what Mr. Hadley called a consensus for "aggressive action, even if that means compromising their commercial interests."

Come on, Old Europe, help out a bosom chum. Not like it's our money. We've got oil scratch, and lots of it. So, aggressive action *wink wink nudge nudge* is the way to go? I'm sure some of the top brass will agree with that!

"This constant drumbeat of war is not helpful, and it's not useful," said Adm. William J. Fallon, the senior American commander in the region.

I wonder what the over/under is on how long Fallon keeps his job.

Inside the Administration, senior officials say they have also considered organizing a regional forum to confront Iran, using as a model the "six party" talks with North Korea, an effort to put pressure on that country from all its neighbors. But in the Middle East, officials say, the idea has hardly gotten off the ground.

Given what a positive influence we've been in the region, I'm as surprised as you are. But cast aside your worries, the military itself is here to save us from folly, just like the framers intended. And here you thought all the bloviating about a supine press corps proved that the system was indeed broken. It's not, so shut up about it.

Get your war on

Aren't you guys supposed to be cheese-eating surrender monkeys?

Goats Head Soup

I love the smell of propaganda in the morning.

On a lighter note, sure, the insignificant gods of some minor* religion may require two goats for appeasement, which of course means that our Superior, Asskickingest God requires, oh, I don't know, mass human sacrifice, but fear not, True Believers. All that bloodshed in Iraq has got to count for something with the big guy, no?


*"Hindu. There are 700 million of us."
"Aw, that's super."

All The Way From Memphis

The great Ian Hunter with special guests Brian May and Joe Elliot.

Enjoy your weekend, America. The preaching and propaganda campaign for Sun and Sand Hijinks 2.0, starring Louis VII and Bernard of Clairvaux, er, George Bush and Dick Cheney, will be starting soon, so rest up!

Halliburton vult!

Counterpunch

This was completely uncalled for. What did Li'l Bush do to provoke you?

I want you in one corner, and you in - stop it! - the other. What is with you children?

Mahmoud! Don't encourage them! Go to your room and think about what you've done. Ali Khameini! You little scamp, I hope you're not behind this!

Oh, these crazy kids. Just imagine how out-of-control and wacky the world would be if they ran their own countries! *Giggle, chuckle, laugh, chortle, wheeze, choke, dry heave, commence drinking*

Dick, we hardly knew ye

Shorter Stephen F. Hayes: We haven't gotten attacked again because of Dick, and if we get attacked again, AND WE WILL, Dick will prevent the next one. And if we get attacked a third time, Dick will prevent the subsequent one. And if we.....*

Even shorter Stephen F. Hayes: Coincidence DOES imply causality!

The shortest Stephen F. Hayes: 9/11!


"The policies he has advocated have been controversial. But they have also been effective."

They certainly have! Really!

"With intelligence officials in Washington increasingly alarmed about the prospect of another major attack on the U.S. homeland, and public support for the Bush administration's anti-terror efforts reclaiming lost ground, we need more Dick Cheney."

The hook just isn't as catchy the 753rd time you hear the song. I need a bit more convincing.

"A little more than a year before the 9/11 attacks, while Bill Clinton [The Clenis!] was still president, Mr. Hayden dramatized the NSA's dilemma in congressional testimony. 'If, as we are speaking here this afternoon, Osama bin Laden, is walking...from Niagara Falls, Ontario, to Niagara Falls, New York, as he gets to the New York side, he is an 'American person.' And my agency must respect his rights against unreasonable search and seizure as provided by the Fourth Amendment to the Constitution.'"

I guess we couldn't, within the rule of law that we all love so dearly, detain a guy on the FBI's Most Wanted list if he was strolling across the border. For that, we would need double secret probation, I mean, rules. I, and everyone else I'm sure, is very glad you and Mr. Cheney have realized that. We're sorry for being such rubes.

Hayes also brings up The Great Blowtorch Plot of 2003 as evidence of success for the NSA's Terrorist Surveillance Program. Well played, Stephen! And look at this brilliant, humanizing passage that skilfully rises above the stagnant, populist swamp of irrational hatred unfairly directed at our Vice President day after day in spite of all he's done for us: "Mr. Cheney can be a very effective communicator. That doesn't mean he never makes mistakes. He does. (His prediction in 2005 that the insurgency in Iraq was in its "last throes" comes to mind.)"

Please, put down your morning coffee. I know it's hard to come to grips with the fact that Cheney could be wrong about anything, but humans do indeed make mistakes. At least he was right about our energy policy, about Saddam having WMDs, about the ties between the Iraqi dictator and Osama bin Laden, about the necessity for an expanded surveillance program without any real oversight by an independent body, about the immediate and dire threat posed by Iran. Wouldn't you agree that we're lucky to have him on our side?

But the burning question, the one that torments me without cease, that leaves me in tortured anguish at the injustice of it all, is why is the Vice President so unpopular? Luckily for us, Mr. Hayes answers with aplomb: "If Mr. Cheney's approval ratings are so abysmal, why increase his visibility? The answer is simple: because his low poll numbers are the result of his low profile."

Je comprends ! Because of his tireless efforts on behalf of American citizens throughout the world and the righteous cause of freedom that's a gift from The Almighty Himself, he stays behind the scenes where he is most effective. Yet this curses him with poor numbers. Why? We don't know him. Oh, he wants to be known, to be loved, but he will never give in to selfish human desires at the expense of the greater good. Oh, Mad, Mad, Mad World, what a cruel beast you are! Godspeed, Mr. Vice President!


*All quotes from the print version.