Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Title of post

1) Eye-catching introductory paragraph so overflowing with witticisms that it'll feel like someone took a wizz on your Hush Puppies.

2) Series of tangentially related anecdotes that may or may not include Tales From The Wheelie Bus.

3) Sublimely crafted conclusion that determines the current tide of insanity engulfing both here and abroad can only mean one thing: that our miserable species has been stricken with the triumphant mark of Satan! Woe is us and such.

I eat imaginary entities for breakfast! And also eggs!

"I didn't know Cthulhu had vocal cords."

Oh sure, but he's a quiet kind of slime. Generally keeps to himself when not devouring civilizations.

"That's nice, but one of your posts just isn't complete without you know what."

A death metal YouTube?

"No, dumbass."

Ha ha, fooled you. Did we start bombing Iran yet? Like anyone gives a rat's ass about Afghanistan. We gotta bomb someone worthy of scorn. Revolutionizing is for Real Patriots, you effete Orientals. Speaking of Real Patriots --

"Grrr. Brilliant idea. Why I not think that? Grrr. Three grand buy lunch of third world children. Grrr."

Great. Cheney's been reactivated. There goes my plans to hike the Appalachian trail without fear of buckshot.

"Go on and hike, filthy hippie, I'll be safe behind my hi-tech shield!"

I know that if I were truly serious about security, I'd see about attaching a rider to the next bill outfitting members of Congress with their own, personalized Popemobile. And when they're on the floor ranting and/or raving, or crying if they're John Boehner, they should have to don a suit of armor. Never know when some bomb-thrower will be in the stands.

Don't forget to take into account wind resistance and gravity, otherwise all you'll do is nuke the poor clerk.


Übermilf said...

I know where the filthy hippies take a hike. And they have a swimming hole, too.

sunshine said...

You KNOW that I buy the Weekly World News .....don't you?
My favourite story's are ones involving Alien's co-conspiring with the U.S. President for world domination.
Hey... they have pictures of them together so don't you DARE mock!!!

If you're ever in need of some serious "cheesecake", you can always snag the picture of me and my Nintendo making out. ;)

Are you calling Iran "Eye-Ran" in your head cause if you are.... well... I don't know what I'll do but it won't be pretty!

I really hate that your "Americanized" spell check is telling me that I'm spelling "favourite" wrong. Doesn't it know that Canadians stick "u's" in everything? Sometimes we even use it in a sentence such as..."Yous guys better fix your spell check!"

I really could have used a Death Metal yousguystube. :)


puddy said...

why is satan about to sneeze? is satan allergic to barack obama? how's the right gonna spin that one?

Tom Harper said...

The face of Satan? Aw, I like it better when we can see Jesus' face in a cloud, on a wall, in a tortilla... It brings out those family values we all cherish.

Freida Bee, MD said...

I know they're saying they're installing sneeze guards in all the salad and breakfast bars in the White House to protect against Swine Flu™, but you and I really know that Cthulhu™ is just pissed that he/she/it/they can't get his/her/its/their eggs while the whole racket is under construction. Because few, but you and I and Dick, know that the slime in his 11 Herbs and Slime™ comes from eggs, he is threatening to steal the eggs out of all the chicken houses in DC, so put that in your plexiglass hat and smoke it Master Cheney™! Christians are gonna have a field day with this.

Randal Graves said...

übermilf, I was wondering why I saw Mark Sanford there until I noticed him ogling the naked hippies.

sunshine, who says I haven't already snagged it? ;-)

Typical of an Eye-Talian to get all huffy about the Eye-Ranians. I apoulougize about the spelling of wourds like colour. I actually dig the Limey/Canucklehead way of spelling.

puddy, you'd be allergic to our alien overlord, too!

tom, agreed, and does anyone think Satan actually looks like that? Everyone knows that he dresses like a socialist.

FB, if this comment isn't the kernel for a post, I don't know what is. It has everything, including nudity, because as we all know, eggs are nude. Except for Easter eggs, for, technically speaking, the coloring counts as a shirt and pants.

susan said...

Things just haven been the same since they lost Eddie Clontz. Have you considered sending in your resume? Then Cthulu could really get Craken.

Demeur said...

Ahh yes. I say we take em up on their idea of cutting taxes to $0, suspend all spending and give them all a pink slip. What do you think?

Just what we need a sneeze guard on congress.

Randal Graves said...

susan, groan fhtagn!

demeur, if it'll get DC in line to interview for jobs at McDonald's, I'm all for it.

Utah Savage said...

Nice summation.

Liberality said...

Cthulhu is really your brain with eyeballs eating an octopus out of the ocean and he has talon clawed hands to boot.

Beach Bum said...

I'm sorry, for not posting a comment earlier. You see we are missing a governor down here and while a few in the state legislature are worried most have run home to grab their stashes of AK's, AR-15's, and butterfly nets and headed for the trail to make sure the good governor stays lost.

The least of his concerns is how people are wondering about his picking this time to hike the Appalachian Trail the same time as a bunch of nudists.

S.W. anderson said...

I wonder if Burton and Rep. Steve King of Iowa coordinate their lunacy. You know, one takes January-March, the other takes it to June, and so on.

If the turrists know their stuff and really want to do Murka in, they'll take care to spare the Burtons, Kings, Bachmanns and Boehners in Congress. So lobbing a bomb into the chamber would be counterproductive. That is, unless all the Burtons, Kings, etc., get "elected" private citizen. In that case, a shield might be in order.

Now, although I have no business with it, I'm off in search of cheesecake. Did you have to go and put temptation in my path, RG?

Randal Graves said...

utah, thanks, but I'm not sure I was summarizing anything in particular.

liberality, I'm not a fan of seafood. Maybe I'm keeping the octopus as part of my growing army of minions.

BB, put your butterfly nets away and break out your Maradona jersey, for Sanford was sunning it up in Argentina.

SWA, that's very plausible, give each of them to try out new ideas, see what works and what only elicits catcalls.

You know, putting aside for a moment thoughts of the wreckage she would leave in her wake, a Bachmann pretzeldency would be high comedy.

See, I'm not all about breakfast foods.

Nunly said...

You can tell that first picture is photo-shopped. The White House doesn't look anything like that.

I know...I know, I'm late to this thread. Too bad, I'm commenting on it anyway.

S.W. anderson said...

RG replied, "You know, putting aside for a moment thoughts of the wreckage she would leave in her wake, a Bachmann pretzeldency would be high comedy."

If that's what you want, better to go with Palin, who has a home with a view and offers a certain wow factor.

Dusty said...

WTF is The Big Dick Cheney doing, checking which way the wind is blowing?

Dr. Zaius said...

I lost you after the cheesecake.

Non Je Ne Regrette Rien said...

I love the chick in the green's outfit. especially her shoes. and her come hither pose ain't awful neither!

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