Thursday, June 11, 2009

Celebration Day

Oooh, splish splash.

Oh yeah, some more.

Want me to pop another?

Champagne, you deviants. Put whatever paraphilia that warps your mind and reaps your soul back in your unmentionables. Celebrate good times. C'mon.

Yesterday, unless my adult beverage was spiked, always a possibility given who I shack up with, I believe that I actually finished one entire stanza (woo) for the first time in nearly two months. At least that's what the ink-stained paper was telling me in between fits of laughter at its poor quality, the witless foil to the good pieces that I, um, will certainly pilfer write someday, but more examinations not tested on animals might be necessary. Yes, this is what passes for thrill-a-minute excitement in my shadowy, cobwebbed corner of the space-time continuum. A shame it's about as lovely as moldy bread. Perhaps I should compose a paean to moldy bread.

Man is a creature who lives not on bread
Alone, sans rhizophus stolonifer
And her fuzzy, verdant fur, as it were;
Oh, sweet mycotoxin, don't leave me dead!

For how can these loaves drown my heaving head
Without more unseasoned spores? Enzymes, come!
Fungi fun, this whole greater than our sum!
Joyous colony, you heard what I said;

Medical warnings? I don't give a fig.
Your divinity I devour again.
Sharp, anguished malady? On second thought,

Asexuality just ain't my gig.
Ouch! Stomach, writhing in exquisite pain --
Oh fierce, terrible mold, what hath thee wrought?*

There. That should complete the mojo jumpstart (and you thought I was getting soft). Thanks for reading, but I gotta go. Hope I can avoid becoming the newest collateral damage installment of my friendly neighborhood unhinged cracker terrorist imperialist socialist caliph crazy library patron. Wish me luck.

*For novelty purposes only. Don't eat moldy bread at home. Eat it at a restaurant, then after you get sick, you can sue and live large, spending your legally-stolen stash on fancy bakery products shipped overnight from Old Europe.


Nunly said...

It's good to see you back in the swing again, Randal. ;-)

I think moldy bread is supposed to be good for you...penicillin and all that. At least that's what my mom said as she was trying to cut the mold off our sandwich bread for our school lunches. I wonder if I should have added to my morning prayer..."give us this day our daily bread...and I'm not talking about that moldy shit, either."

I know...the comment sucks,but it's f**kin' raining again and I'm in a bad mood. :-(

Non Je Ne Regrette Rien said...

confess-toi, you wrote that after you ate moldy bread.

afeatheradrift said...

I pick off the blue parts if I'm desperate enough. Seriously dude, nice poetry. I use you as the standard to define my own sanity. I think I do good! Actually you wrote this for no reason but to have an excuse to put the usual semi-nude babe on the blog. Admit it.

sunshine said...

I've never eaten moldy bread so I can't relate to that part of your post.
I do occasionally strip down and sit in an oversized martini though.

Randal Graves said...

nunly, if it's good for you, the next time I have some moldy bread, please, partake. Wait, it's raining? Send that this way, the goddamn sun will be returning tomorrow!

JNRR, of course not, I only ate the penicillin.

afd, I'm glad I could be of service, but do you really think I need an excuse to sexify the place?

sunshine, I suddenly feel both shaken and stirred. Should I be wearing a tux?

okjimm said...

//Wish me luck//


//Asexuality just ain't my gig.//

ain't mine, either. But I have total tolerance for ALL sexual preferences!

Liberality said...

you are not not sexual?

who knew?

Scarlet W. Blue said...

Wow, you're a genius. I mean, not that it's evident in the eating of the moldy bread, but in the writing about it in that way.

Spartacus said...

I'm sending someone over to you to take that moldy slice of bread away. Clearly, this has become a gateway "literary" drug for you.

Tom Harper said...

Try as I might, I don't see any sexy lady in the slice of bread. I'm staring and staring, and all I see is.....


It's JESUS!!! Hallelujah! I've been saved!

Beach Bum said...

Dammit Tom, someone down here in South Carolina already saw Jesus in a slice of bread, well it was grill cheese, but its the same.

Mauigirl said...

I'm finally catching up with some of my blog reading and I open your blog to find this wonderful bit of Randalesque brilliance! I love your ode to moldy bread! Can you do one for moldy cheese next?

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

That was MY submission to Hallmark's World of Wonder Weddings contest. Or was it my mash note to Rachel Ray? At any rate, I will not accuse your of plagiarism because I don't want to be associated with that po-em, now that I think about it.


Tengrain - the bastard

Freida Bee, MD said...

Well, my grandmother swears eating Vicks Vapor Rub™ will cure all that ails ya, so I'm pretty sure eating moldy bread to jumpstart your literary mojo is perfectly harmless, unless you have reproduced, in which case, I fear for the future of civilization... in a good way, of course.

Randal Graves said...

okjimm, don't let the Catholic priesthood hear you say that!

liberality, only on Tuesdays.

SWB, probably my finest work. Which says far more than I wish it to.

spartacus, I'm fine, I can quit anytime I want!

tom, given how many hamburgers are consumed by Murkans each year, how come he never appears on a bun?

BB, wasn't that up for sale on eBay?

mauigirl, as long as I don't have to eat it!

tengrain, just don't tell the Hallmark people that I'm wearing Rachael Ray's jihadist garb.

FB, my reproducin' days are loooooong gone. You damn kids, get outta my house! I want some peace and quiet!

La Belette Rouge said...

I did. But, I was shown! You are not soft. You are seven day old bread easy. Seriously, if you would write poetry on bread you would win a Genius award. That is 1,000,000 slices of bread.

I swear to Jeezus that image of the bread and the text would be taken seriously as post modern art. This is me being serious. Take a look at this classic work of post modern art( really, it is one of my favorites).
It is hanging in LACMA right now.

Now, let's get to the important celebrating of your stanzas. Wooohooo!! As you know I am a fan of your poetry I am popping the metaphoric champagne.

I can't help but feeling like a muse for this poem. As much as I like the poem I might have helped to inspire it is not the kind of thing one brags about "I inspired a poem about moldy bread." People might not understand. Damn those people, whoever they are.

susan said...

As I read your wonderful poem I envisioned an entire civilization celebrating the great culture they had wrought in that forgotten piece of bread. Oh the heights they could reach if only some kindly god would render a little dollop of strawberry jam.. or, better still, a wafer thin slice of Swiss.

Agi said...

I'm thirsty. I'd like a Dita Martini please.

Dr. Zaius said...

Writing a poem about moldy bread is just cruel. Couldn't you write about chocolate cake?

Randal Graves said...

LBR, holy hell, I love that piece. I'm going to start writing verse worthy of a Hallmark card right now and soon I'll be bathing in greenbacks.

Sure, you might have inspired a paean to moldy bread, but don't forget about Holden and the red shoes. I don't think he was moldy. ;-)

susan, sure would be hilarious if, instead of future archaeologists finding the crumbling works of Phidias or CDs of Bach, they find junk like this.

agi, we serve only the finest spirits at this classy establishment.

dr. zaius, and pass on being able to use 'rhinophus stolonifer?' Are you mad?