Saturday, June 20, 2009

What is it, boy? Fire? Earthquake? Hippies?

Real America® being far too occupied with the ritual gathering of cheap fireworks, charcoal briquets and Busch Light while coveting the neighbor's wife and/or goodies and/or the goodies of the neighbor's wife to notice such blasphemy, I on the other hand am well aware that every coastal neighborhood situated outside that holy and righteous enclave of breadbaskets and tax-exempt churchery will be saturated with naked pagan fire dancing tomorrow evening in celebration of the summer solstice through the reenacting of traditional heathen favorites like out-of-wedlock fornication, blood sacrifice and painting the town green as a sign of solidarity or some other worthless crap.

"Actually, tonight is more likely. Even naked pagans have work on Monday."

True, but I can still take solace in the fact that their beloved longest day of the year marks the triumphant (for me) beginning of oh so precious daylight being stripped from the endless cavalcade of sweaty sacks n' racks --

-- yes, it is -- through the slow creep of cold shadow and shadowy cold, muahahahahaha, etc. So get your hedonistic and illegal public displays in while you can, filthy witches, 'cause guess what's just around the corner?

No, not that --


"It's still June, dumbass."

Shut your noisehole. I take my joys where I can find them make them up.


Beach Bum said...

Funny you would mention that, I was just getting ready to leave for the naked pagan rituals full of out of wedlock fornication with married women I have been coveting.

Daydreaming is a wonderful thing.

Tom Harper said...

Ah, my favorite night of the year. Bibles to burn, demons to worship, sacrifices to make.

susan said...

I got my blue body paint, ostrich feather boas and coven of Incubi and Succubi all ready in a secret glade for the big night. Don't forget your flaming torch and drum. Remember last year when it took us an hour to find your ass and we missed the ritual quaffing?

Übermilf said...

Are you talking about drunk Scandinavians? They use any excuse for a party.

Randal Graves said...

BB, I wasn't sure, given the oddity of being in a place that's both southern fried AND a coastal realm of communistic socialism, if such festivities even occur.

tom, BYOB(lood)!

susan, sorry about that. I got kidnapped by some Jesusheads and they made me watch the 700 Club. I don't like to talk about it.

übermilf, don't get me started on those bastards. If they're not pillaging or throwing up their mead, they're pillaging while throwing up their mead.

Liberality said...

But I LIKE the pagans! Are you suggesting they are off their rockers because they party down while the partying is good? :~)

Christopher said...

Is it a gathering of the religious loons at Sarah Palin's church in that meth-infested shithole called Wasilla???

What could they be praying for?

Two-headed sheep?
A warm winter?
Sarah and Todd in the White House in 2012?

sunshine said...

Well, everything funny and clever has already been said!
Ahhhh autumn! How do I love thee!
Call me when it's time to ring that in. We'll have a drunken bush party and set off some fireworks. If it's not too cold we'll get naked. But only if I've lost that 20 pounds.

Ciao for Niao!

Chef Cthulhu said...

Actually, I believe all the celebratin' was today because the solstice was actually today vice the 21st.

Won't matter in 2012 when the Mayans fucking kill you all.

Dr. Zaius said...

You are warning us about winter? What a bummer...

Anonymous said...

You are one f***ed up dude! Ruining the summer joy with words of wintery chit? Are you insane? Oh, well, obviously yes to that. Nervy bast**d and all that. Keep your frakin' snow talk to ya self. Geesh, can't a person sweat in peace and quiet?

S.W. anderson said...

"What is it, boy? Fire? Earthquake? Hippies?"

The operative term is "nooky."

Regarding the season and weather. I don't claim to reside in the home of lousy weather. No, this is just where they send lousy weather to make sure it works, before moving it on to other victims. Thus, today's soggy, breezy "high" beneath leaden skies was 55 — 20 #@!X&>% degrees below normal!

Grab your electric beach blankets, everybody, and be sure to wear a thermal thong. Skip the suntan lotion. Grab some Deep Heet Rub. It's summer, already. Really. Despite all the goosebumps and other evidence to the contrary.

Anonymous said...

I don't know what it's been like where you're at RG, but we've had three days without rain here in the Nu Yawk area. My lawn and garden look great, but I'm starting to see people stockpiling wood and fiberglass for coming floods.

puddy said...

hey... isn't that where the demons dwell? where the banshees live and they do live well?

Mauigirl said...

Randal, you sound like my husband. Knowing how bad my Seasonal Affective Disorder is, he loves to point out that from this point on the days are getting shorter. Thanks a lot for adding to that depressing thought with your awful snow picture! ;-)

Dean Wormer said...

Where are these naked pagans again and is there a cover charge?

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

So there I was, dancing naked at The Hut, trying to attract a Pagan or two... maybe I need a better musical selection than the Henhouse 5 plu 2 squawking In the Mood?



Randal Graves said...

liberality, gasp! I'm telling Jesus on you!

christopher, your last line scares me so much, I might have to take up witchery.

sunshine, you lose your 20, I'll lose mine, you bring the bush, I'll bring the hot dogs - for the grill, of course.

chef, exactly. Quetzalcoatl is so going to fuck our shit up, so we might as well spend the next three years plastered.

dr.zaius, global cooling, you hippies!

sherry, summer joy? I shouldn't be sweating at 6am, dammit!

SWA, soggy, breezy and 55? Wanna trade? I'll include a Donald Rumsfeld rookie card!

spartacus, we've gotten some rain, but it seems the bulk of it has been on either side of us, Indiana/Illinois, and you guys. Have you thought about investing in a rowboat?

puddy, get thee behind me, Satan!

mauigirl, I'm always happy to spread the misery. ;-)

dean, five bucks for us dudes, but the ladies get in free. Where? Aren't you Oregonians usually naked and high anyway?

tengrain, next time, try the Slayer. Everyone loves Slayer, especially peace-loving hippie babes.