Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Green onions, with a magic mushroom chaser

No, not those kind.

These kind.

Dear Fellow Public Transportationistas,

After a tastelicious breakfast of garlic mushrooms with a side of green onionized scrambled eggs -- and tastelicious it is, for I made some myself just yesterday, would you look at that, I said look, goddammit, yum! -- it would be to the benefit of all humans, especially those of us seated nearby, if you would kindly support good personal hygiene with all of your cold, rancid heart by cleaning your noisehole with an ADA-approved paste and brush combo. I did, and that's why my sometimes-better-half cringed a bit less than she normally would when I asked her to pucker up.

The Halitosis Clinic thanks you for your concern.




okjimm said...

ok. I'll ride da Bus witcha.... but first I need a Limburger on rye bread with raw onions and brown mustard.

Whatcha wanna talk about, huh dere, eh?

susan said...

Bicycle commuters might smell just as bad but at least there's the option of peddling away.. even if you do run the risk of getting hit by a bus.

Fantastic Forrest said...

Poor Randal! Have you been asking your fellow public transportians to pucker up? Or is their bad breath so bad you can smell it from a distance? I've never noticed a problem, which makes me wonder if you have the superpower of supersmell.

This should not be confused with supersmelliness, which perhaps your fellow bus riders have. In which case, they are supervillians.

My condolences on your nasal distress.

Suzan said...

Thanks for the Booker T magic, Randal.

It all smells great from here!


Mary Ellen/Nunly said...

Green favorite on a plate and on my iPod.

I once sat next to a guy on a plane that had the worst breath I've ever encountered in all my life...and he insisted on talking to me all the way to Las Vegas, a three and a half hour flight. I had to take frequent trips to the john just to get away from him. The smell wasn't all that hot in there, but was like a rose compared to that guys breath, it made me gag. At least if you're on a bus you could get off at a stop and take another bus. On a plane...your stuck. Ugh.

Agi said...

Those dudes got mad Stax.

Randal Graves said...

okjimm, go right ahead, I now wear a gasmask.

susan, which is why you should drive a tank when out and about.

FF, all of my senses, sadly, are deteriorating with age, but you'd be surprised just how many people don't obviously brush their teeth on a semi-regular basis.

nunly, that's why I never fly. Furthermore, you meet the most interesting people while hitchhiking.

agi, as long as they're careful with the Volt-age.

sunshine said...

My favorite part of that YouTube video was the white girl clapping along off beat. Go White Girl!!!
Seriously though.. that's a snazzy little ditty isn't it?

Okay where was I...?
Oh yeah, bad breath. With me being 3 quarters Eye-talian and all, you KNOW what I smell like half the time. :) mmmm garlic! That can't be helped though, it comes out of our pours.
Stinky breath is the worst. I don't know why people refuse clean their teeth either. Maybe they like to keep the taste of their yummy food in their mouths just as long as they can.
Do you want me to send "someone" to look after those pesky fellow transportationistas or whatever the hell you call them?
I'm glad you liked the Nintendo/cheesecake picture! :) How cute am I? *bats eyelashes*
And thank you so much for your kind words on my other topic. You're sooooo sweet Randal. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone. ;)
Ciao for Niao!

Dean Wormer said...

Don't be knocking bad breath. All sorts of famous people had bad breath. Guys with names like Clark Gable, Newt Gingrich and Smaug.

Retract, damned you!

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

You don't really kiss the poor woman with that mouth?



La Belette Rouge said...

The eggs aren't even green or moldy or anything. Are you getting soft?;-)

Altoids are public service reminders in code. Get the hint, stinkymouth, is their subtext.

Randal Graves said...

sunshine, and they say we have no rhythm.

Maybe they like to keep the taste of their yummy food in their mouths just as long as they can.

Now that's just sick, rhythmically. Grazie for the cheesecake. I have additional inappropriate commentary, but this is obviously a family-friendly blog. ;-)

dean, you know, I've never seen Newt and Smaug in the same room. Hmm.

tengrain, of course I do. Think I'll pass on taking advantage of a woman with poor taste in dudes?

LBR, sorry, must have been all that moldy bread I ate. ;-)

I might start passing them out on the bus. That and cans of Lysol. Where are you, stale cigarette and pumpkin guts lady?

S.W. anderson said...

RG, you not only don't suck, you're a class act. That Booker T. video was excellent. After it played, I spotted a video of his biggest hit, "Time is Tight," and watched it. Unfortunately, it was an amateur's recording of a live concert, with horrible sound quality. But the music was still fairly enjoyable.

The eggs and 'shrooms look tasty. As for the halitosis problem, I suggest you carry a few of those small, travel-size tubes of toothpaste when you ride the bus. Then, when you find yourself near a bad case of rotting-corpse breath, turn to him or her, proffer the toothpaste and sing . . .

You'll wonder where the yellow went

When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent!

And then grin, ominously. They'll think your crazy enough to do anything and probably at least lick off a little toothpaste, thereby masking the stench.

Might be worth a try, anyway.

S.W. anderson said...

OMG! For a few moments of cognitive-dissonance goodness, watch this older guy rock out on "Time is Tight."

He might not look the part, but he's got game when it comes to the music. Don't be put off by the slow start, either. At 1:17 it gets really good.

Tom Harper said...

There's one thing that smells even worse on the breath than garlic mushrooms and green onions. Fish.

Either that, or there are just certain types of bad breath that smell like fish. F#$%&# nauseating.

Maybe the Guess Who should rewrite "Bus Rider" to include lyrics about passengers whose breath would knock over a horse.

Beach Bum said...

I have to throw in another possible extreme cause for bad breath: raw oysters! Down on the coast years ago my grandfather would take me to the place where all the local shrimpers and oyster harvesters would sell what they caught or collected. One old fart would always be eating oysters he collected and his breath could catch fire if he got to close to an open flame.

The 'shrooms and eggs looked great, next time mix in some grits.

Lisa said...

When I take public transportation or fly, I carry lots of gum and altoids. I have been known to offer them to fellow passengers by making a big show if pulling it out of my bag, opening, it and having some. Then I do the "oh my! how rude, would you like one?" expression. If they decline, I might say, "Really, you should reconsider." They often get the hint.

It's either that or I puke in their lap. Smells drive me crazy.

Randal Graves said...

SWA, now I feel all classy. I think it's the Crest®. Is there a limit to how much liquid (does toothpaste count) I can carry on the bus?

Grampa's got the track suit thing working, but he can sure play the keys.

tom, hell, fish smells bad even cooked. There's a reason you're supposed to saturate the sucker in lemon juice.

Don't forget Weird Al.

BB, raw oysters? I think I'll stick with garlic and onions.

lisa, have you ever puked in someone's lap? If so, I'll buy you a case of altoids for all of your future trips.

Dr. Zaius said...

Garlic? Resounding YES! Mushrooms? Not so much.

Randal Graves said...

Not even magic ones?