Thirty days of suck XVIII: if the shoe fits,

Fenriz says go darkthroning, but careful with that bridge for sale, Eugene.

'twas rainy, 'twas windy, 'twas shipwreck-kissed Whitby, & here I am was stuck in the middle with clowns to the left of me, book carts to the right. 

WOTAN SMASH

Tomorrow, orange you glad to see me?

Fuck faces

 

I can't wait until this expands beyond Keeping Us Safe® & goes mainstream.
So much easier to further reduce everyone & their everything to a set of crunchy numbers, a nation of baseball cards. I wonder what my OBP, Overt Bomb Percentage, is. Bet the gum remains stale & sharp enough to slash gums, though. How about spending your bucks on fixing that, heathens.

"One ADAMS-12, One ADAMS-12, we've got a perpsh who just ordered tahini CRACKLE with his falafel. Oversh*."

"Hold -- that's a 4.7% chance of jihad FIZZLE, keep a patrol carsh in the area. Oversh."

*I hope everyone appreciates these little sonic embellishments in the name of realism.

If all the world were playing holidays, to sport would be as tedious as to work

I'll take my chances.






















What about Kenyan birth certificates? Please, not-so-gentle hippie, re-barn your pitchforks & dunk your torches in the sweet, sweet Cuyahoga. As if Puerto Rico is American territory.

Speaking of America, how come no American teams have made overtures to UEFA to join their Champions League? In footie, as in war, we're the best and we want to balance ourselves against those Hotspur usurpers who claim such bestery. Mighty Joe Public, thy vice, thy corruption scarest me not.

Speaking of corruption America redundancy, I had something else to post about, but since I've forgotten it amidst a frenzied bout of tried & true bibliothèque coworker solidarity, the comic behind-the-scenes story swap, enjoy the new rape vans.














Hey, if your naughty bits have nothing to hide. Oh, I remember.

Speaking of naughty bits & libraries -- now I've piqued your interest & in only six paragraphs -- our printing system is now BFF to that found in campus laboratories, thus non-current affiliates are disbarred from using 99.9% of terminals. Its first casualty, a prof emeritus regular who must now go elsewhere for his daily porn fix, the way it should be.

Why do you think they built public libraries in the first place?

Iron Constitution

I'm sure many of you remember when I wrote about the Border Patrol SUV parked outside a downtown Cleveland hotel for a few days.

"Of course they do, that's the one time you didn't dull the purple pain of your banal, oh so banal prose with a picture of a scantily-clad lady."

Shut up, brain or I'll stab you to death with a Q-tip. Anyway, thanks to those communist Muslim fundamentalist Nazis over at the ACLU, I recently found out why it was here: I'm living in a Constitution-Free Zone®! Sure, it's fascist, left-wing propaganda, but check out this cool map!














One of my classmates spent a couple of semesters a few years back up in Quebec studying the life and habitat of the nearest frog enclave, and he said that he received far more grief both to-and-fro on the Murkan side of the fence than from the gentle Canadian hippies. Probably didn't help that he's a brother; you know how they are, been plotting to bring down the government for decades.

Oh well, at least I've got nothing to hide. Long ago I learned my lesson, and thus keep my porn, weed and out-of-state fruits and vegetables in my basement next to the meth lab and S&M dungeon.

One more thing. I don't like being disappointed in my fellow Murkans, really I don't, as it pains me more than my posts pain you, but this is just silly. Moviefone.com recently ran a poll for our favorite movie pretzeldent and I can't believe Han Solo tore down the voting wall when there was such an obvious, nay, duh, choice.













America, there you go again.

"whisperwhisperwhisper"

Wait. The 1980s weren't a movie?

La fête du travail chez Randal Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Use Googled Pictures in Lieu of A Thoughtful Post

Bienvenue, mes amis, to my humble abode.

Pierre, please show our guests in.


















"Oui, monsieur. Bâtard radin."









Avez-vous dit quelque chose?














Anyway, make yourselves comfortable, though I must apologize for the lack of room. I hope you've arrived with estomacs vides, for we've managed to import, through our vast overseas réseaux d'affaires, a rare Yankee delicacy with the utterly bizarre name of barbeque. Honestly, have you heard of anything so ridicule? Nonetheless, I've been assured that it's quite wonderful despite its obviously plebian appearance. Although I had to laugh, ha ha ha HA ha, when my American acquaintance told me that they eat it with *gasp* their fingers!














Wait. I hate large groups of people. I don't know what I was thinking. Must be the heat. Everyone get the hell out, fucking moochers. Don't make me call the gendarmes from St. Paul.

What's on the teevee?*

"The Dumbass National Convention starts tomorrow."








"I'd rather watch reruns of Gimme A Break."











"Better than reliving them day after day."








"Oh, behave. I'll tell the Denver PD you've got a map."











"At least I don't have a football helmet. Then I could really do some damage."








"Or we could send you guys and you could argue."











"I thought I told you to stop encouraging your sister."







"You know I never would. What's Gimme A Break?"








"What I say every time your mother opens her mouth."

"Couch?"











"Couch."








"But I need the alarm for work."











"You don't have work tomorrow. I guess Father doesn't Know Best."

*dramatization may not have happened exactly as described. The kids mostly yelled their contributions from other rooms and my sometimes-better-half and I slung a few choice obscenities at each other. I like to keep this a family-friendly blog, you fuckers.

Been caught stealing

"My friends, I need that laptop."
"You can't just take someone's laptop without suspicion, Senator."
"Probable cause is for fancy boys. This is the border between Pennsylvania and Mexico, dammit."

Federal agents may take a traveler's laptop computer or other electronic device to an off-site location for an unspecified period of time without any suspicion of wrongdoing, as part of border search policies the Department of Homeland Security recently disclosed.

Now that's the America I know. Sniff. Sweet land of liberty...of thee...I...sing...

DHS officials said the newly disclosed policies -- which apply to anyone entering the country, including U.S. citizens -- are reasonable and necessary to prevent terrorism. Officials said such procedures have long been in place but were disclosed last month because of public interest in the matter.

Civil liberties and business travel groups have pressed the government to disclose its procedures as an increasing number of international travelers have reported that their laptops, cellphones and other digital devices had been taken -- for months, in at least one case -- and their contents examined.

The policies state that officers may "detain" laptops "for a reasonable period of time" to "review and analyze information." This may take place "absent individualized suspicion."

Sure, it sounds ridiculous, but you know the jihadist's modus operandi: file after file skilfully hidden on the C drive with scary-sounding names like greatsatan.txt, suitcasebomb.doc and the always frightening killtheirbabies.exe. So, untie the Gordian knot that is your panties and chill.

The policies cover "any device capable of storing information in digital or analog form," including hard drives, flash drives, cellphones, iPods, pagers, beepers, and video and audio tapes. They also cover "all papers and other written documentation," including books, pamphlets and "written materials commonly referred to as 'pocket trash' or 'pocket litter.'"

Papers please, indeed. But don't worry, iron-clad safeguards exist to protect you, the citizen, from any wrongdoing at the behest of others who might not have your best interests in mind. Not everyone can have a gut as sensitive to the nuances of our violent and dangerous world like Secretary Chertoff who, alone among men, realizes that "the most dangerous contraband is often contained in laptop computers or other electronic devices." Oh brother, don't I know it! When I'm abroad sowing the seeds of democracy in barbarian lands, I'm always stuffing my Colombian in the spaces between microprocessors for the comfortable plane ride back home.

Reasonable measures must be taken to protect business information and attorney-client privileged material, the policies say, but there is no specific mention of the handling of personal data such as medical and financial records.

When a review is completed and no probable cause exists to keep the information, any copies of the data must be destroyed. Copies sent to non-federal entities must be returned to DHS. But the documents specify that there is no limitation on authorities keeping written notes or reports about the materials.

Whew! I know I feel better, don't you? Time for a drink to celebrate.
Something chilling.

Meet America's newest anti-terrorism unit!

Personally, I think the grotesque combination of Satan's lieutenants and the army of spineless jellyfish currently sliming their collective way through the halls of Congress wasted precious time crafting an un-American bill like this one when such a crack squad at our nation's disposal is blessed with sartorial powers that could goad even the most fervent jihadist into letting his guard down through uncontrollable fits of laughter.

I really have to stop linking the real world with these comical album covers because all I end up doing is creating ulcers and the strong desire to drink heavily both before and after throwing heavy objects against my monitor.

Does anybody remember laughter?

Do I have a post? No No No

Must we let them fool us? no no no!
Have we got our freedom? no no no!
Is it getting better? no no no!
Do we love each other? no no no!
Must we wait forever no no no just until the Great Porn Dragon comes!

Amnesty International

"If I can't spy on you, I'll kill myself! I fucking swear!"

31-67. The halftime score of a Big East power versus some Division II cupcake?

Nope.

This.

At least we have the first eighteen on the list of whom to vote out at the next opportunity. Corporate chickenshits.

Giant kudos to Obama for not being a scared little child.

C. R. E. A. M.

The savior of the republic?

Unpaid bills.

Telephone companies have cut off FBI wiretaps used to eavesdrop on suspected criminals because of the bureau's repeated failures to pay phone bills on time.

A Justice Department audit released Thursday blamed the lost connections on the FBI's lax oversight of money used in undercover investigations. Poor supervision of the program also allowed one agent to steal $25,000, the audit said.

Well, I suppose we could handle this problem in the short term without too much harm. A few American criminals might escape, but we're waging a greater war, an existential conflict that's been going on unabated since 632 A.D. between the shining and humble armies of light, and the grotesque minions of darkness.

In at least one case, a wiretap used in a Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act investigation "was halted due to untimely payment," the audit found. FISA wiretaps are used in the government's most sensitive and secretive criminal investigations, and allow eavesdropping on suspected terrorists or spies.

OHMYGODWE'REALLGONNAFUCKINGDIE!

Why do the telecoms hate America?

Fine's report offered 16 recommendations to improve the FBI's tracking and management of the funding system, including its telecommunication costs. The FBI has agreed to follow 11 of the suggestions but said that four "would be either unfeasible or too cost prohibitive." The recommendations were not specifically outlined in the edited version of the report.

OHMYMOTHERFUCKINGGODWE'REALLGONNAFUCKINGDIE!

Even the FBI, the organization of Rudy's! fashion guru, hates America?

Have the Islamocommunistofascistojihadists infiltrated every level of power in our great nation? No expense must be spared to rid our Christian body of this disease, of this - er, what? Really?

Nevermind, FBI, go on not paying those bills. Bush says everything will be cool.

Police State: The Next Generation

"Mr. Data, spy factor nine. Engage."

The FBI is embarking on a $1 billion project to build the world's largest computer database of biometrics to give the government more ways to identify people at home and abroad, the Washington Post reported on Friday.

At least we can be assured of this being handled by the federal government itself, and not some unregulated private sector enterprise.

In January, the agency -- which focuses on violations of federal law, espionage by foreigners and terrorist activities -- expects to award a 10-year contract to expand the amount and kinds of biometric information it receives, it said.

At least we can be assured of a veritable labyrinth of safeguards so this vital information cannot fall into the wrong hands, such as the nefarious ne'er-do-well who, through no American influence whatsoever, turns to radical Islamofascistocommunistopinkoism.

If successful, the system, called Next Generation Identification, will collect the biometric information in one place for identification and forensic purposes, the Post said.

Oh, okay. On some lackey's $750 laptop.

You know, Saint Ronnie might be proven right after all. The most terrifying words in the English language these days indeed are "I'm from the government and I'm here to help." I feel safer already. Don't you?

You say to-may-to, I say to-mah-to

Torture. Gotta get me some of that!

President Bush's nominee for attorney general, Michael B. Mukasey, declined Thursday to say if he considered harsh interrogation techniques like waterboarding, which simulates drowning, to constitute torture or to be illegal if used on terrorism suspects.

A dog-and-pony show not resulting in straight answers? Why, I'm as shocked as you are! Though I and anyone else with at least partially-functioning mental faculties should not be shocked at this:

"Is waterboarding constitutional?" Mr. Mukasey was asked by Senator Sheldon Whitehouse, Democrat of Rhode Island, in one of the sharpest exchanges.

"I don't know what is involved in the technique," Mr. Mukasey replied. "If waterboarding is torture, torture is not constitutional."

Is or isn't waterboarding torture? Is or isn't ketchup a vegetable? These are questions man was not meant to ask. Do you think you could handle even a hint of the profound mysteries of the universe, the paradoxes that lie dormant throughout the dimensions, woven in the fabric of space and time, ready to trip up the unaware without a moment's notice?

"I mean, it is or it isn't," Mr. Whitehouse continued.

Waterboarding, he said, "is the practice of putting somebody in a reclining position, strapping them down, putting cloth over their faces and pouring water over the cloth to simulate the feeling of drowning. Is that constitutional?"

Good job, Sheldon, if that is your real name. You just gave away, in a public forum, valuable information that will now be used by our enemies to adjust their tactics in their eternal quest to defeat liberty, freedom, fuzzy little bunnies and the Super Magical Jesus Baby.

Mr. Mukasey again demurred, saying, "If it amounts to torture, it is not constitutional."

Mr. Whitehouse said he was "very disappointed in that answer; I think it is purely semantic."

"I'm sorry," Mr. Mukasey replied.

I'm not. That was some funny shit. Imagine, if you will, decades of wingnut screeds, first screamed, yelled and vomited out in diabolical, blood-soaked gatherings, always crowned with a virgin sacrifice to their unnamed dark lord - one can almost smell the long-dried stain of carnage on the filthy, cold stone - always held in dungeons one wag calls "thinktanks," then hastily typed up and printed by chained and starving minions, a jagged, venomous poetry directed at the strawman of lefty "moral relativism."

And now, here we are.

If I may, I'd like to close out with another humorous note. Once more unto the breach, dear Patsy:

"I don't know whether you received some criticism from anybody in the administration last night after your testimony," he said, "but I sensed a difference, and a number of people here, Republican and Democratic alike, have sensed a difference."

Mr. Mukasey insisted there had been no pressure from the White House on Wednesday, saying, "I received no criticism."

Everything according to plan. Delicious.

Old blood and guts

Chris Dodd overlooking the perpetually supine Congress.

Senator, you do realize that you're a Democrat, yes? Color me the entire spectrum of confused - even indigo. It's that bad. And sure, he's far behind Hillary, Obama and Edwards in all the polls, but no other Senators not currently running or planning to run for President have done this. And he's a Democrat. My head hurts. I believe I failed to mention that he's a Democrat.

I'm going to lie down for awhile. Or maybe I'm already lying down and this is all just a strange hallucination. Look! Leprechauns frolicking with Astérix!

Ladies and gentlemen, start your drinking

But I fucking hate bad news.

The agreement between the Senate Intelligence Committee and the Bush administration would also include a greater role for the secret intelligence court in overseeing and approving methods of wiretapping used by the security agency, the official said.

But it is not clear whether this and other toughened civil liberties safeguards included in the agreement will go far enough to mollify senators on the Senate Judiciary Committee, who will also review the plan once the intelligence panel finishes its work.

Word of the deal came came hours after House Republicans used a parliamentary maneuver to scuttle a vote on a measure that would have imposed new restrictions on the security agency's eavesdropping powers.

"Hey, you, look over there!"
"What am I supposed to see?"
"Did you spit in his coffee?"
"Yeah. Heh, heh. Jackass."

At the start of the day, Democrats were confident that the measure would gain approval in the house despite a veto threat from President Bush. But after an afternoon of partisan sniping [editor's translation: whiny Republican hypocrisy], Democratic leaders put off that vote because of a competing measure from Republicans that on its face asked lawmakers to declare where they stood on stopping Osama bin Laden from attacking the United States again.

I don't know what's more impressive, the continued wingnut chutzpah of evoking Osama and/or 9/11 whenever it suits their nefarious purposes despite the fact of never having caught the guy or not actually wanting the guy caught because who's a better poster boy for the Eternal War on Brown People, or the fact that Democrats fall for it. Every. Single. Time.

The Republican maneuver "would've killed the bill, and we couldn't risk that," said a senior Democratic aide, who spoke on condition of anonymity to discuss internal leadership deliberations. "We thought we'd be able to defeat it, but it became clear that we couldn't."

When you've deliberately shot yourself in the foot over and over for the past 6+ years until all that's left is a bloody, pulpy stump, it's quite difficult to kick the lizard-brains in the ass, isn't it.

Oh, Dems, one more thing: Osama!

We never stop working for you the Feds

"Sure, what else you need? Credit card numbers, pin numbers, social security? Mmm, I got it all, baby."

Verizon Communications, the nation's second-largest telecom company, told congressional investigators that it has provided customers' telephone records to federal authorities in emergency cases without court orders hundreds of times since 2005.

The company said it does not determine the requests' legality or necessity because to do so would slow efforts to save lives in criminal investigations.

OHMYGODWENEEDTHATNUMBERRIGHTNOWANDHAVENOTIME
FORAFISACOURTBECAUSEJACKBAUERISWAITINGFORMYCALL!

Verizon and AT&T said it was not their role to second-guess the legitimacy of emergency government requests.

Funny, Congress has said the same thing. I'm surprised the Fed's Can You Hear Me Now campaign hasn't been a question at a Democratic presidential debate:

"If the only way to stop a nuclear device from going off in Washington, D.C. during a Redskins' playoff game, which would kill millions including football-loving voters who have come together in their shared love of the gridiron and the camaraderie that it engenders, the national and foreign sporting press, and the precious, precious children of those football-loving voters who only wanted to sip hot chocolate while learning about a great American tradition, was to forsake wasting such very valuable time getting a warrant and immediately listening on a person-to-person, incoming foreign call, would you do it? Senator Clinton?"

Anyway, the rest of the article had a few corporate toadies playing Sergeant Schultz - the government and the corporations in cahoots; now, where have I heard that before - and of course, a government tool blathering on about something or other, best demonstrated by the conversation one will never, ever have with a Bush administration official:

"Uh, this isn't going to be about National Security, is it?"
"All things are about National Security, Homer. Except this."

Who watches the watchers?

"No, no, hear me out, Vlad. You'll love this idea."

The director of the Central Intelligence Agency, Gen. Michael V. Hayden, has ordered an unusual internal inquiry into the work of the agency's inspector general, whose aggressive investigations of the C.I.A.'s detention and interrogation programs and other matters have created resentment among agency operatives.

I hate - no, I seethe with rage - when people do their taxpayer-funded jobs, but thankfully I'm not alone on this.

"These are good people who thought they were doing the right thing," said one former agency official. "And now they're getting beat up pretty bad and they have to go out an hire a lawyer."

I hear ya, man. I know it's frustrating to go through each day not being able to use the skills of cooperation and social interaction we've been learning since childhood. Like that time when my kindergarten teacher taught us how to press someone's nostrils closed while we held their head underwater in the bathroom sink to get them to let us play with the new box of Legos for a bit, or that time in high school when Jimmy cut ahead of me in line during lunch and the principal demonstrated that the proper technique to teach him a lesson was to apply a very high voltage to his scrotum. Jimmy never cut ahead of me again.

These are good people fighting the good fight, violating every notion of international law and decorum, destroying the very ideas of freedom and liberty so you can keep yours. Within reason, of course.

Spineless

It's plain to see how easily blogger burnout can burrow itself inside your skull and slowly, painfully, eat your brains, after reading garbage like this.

House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer, D-Md., said providing the immunity will likely be the price of getting President Bush to sign into law new legislation extending the government's surveillance authority.

Hey Representative Dumbass - may I call you Dumbass? - the Bush administration hasn't told the truth on a goddamn thing whether in the majority or the minority and, given how it's anathema to how they do business anyway, why would they start now? Bipartisanship; trust; honor; these words simply do not exist anywhere within their banal minds that are equipped with one thing only: a laser-like focus on how to fuck other people's shit up in order to profit from it. But that's fine, don't believe me. Just listen to them spell it out for you.

In a conference call with reporters, a senior Justice Department official called Hoyer's offer "encouraging" but would not commit to sharing the data. The official spoke only on condition of anonymity while negotiations with Congress continue.

Rep. Dumbass, in Republican Newspeak, "encouraging" means "we have those gutless cowards right where we want them." And no matter what less-diabolical-than-before provisions you write up in your New And Improved® We Don't Need No Stinkin' Warrant Bill - a "blanket" court order for up to one year? you can get a whole lotta spyin' done in 365 days - administration criminals are going to do whatever they damn well please. Still don't believe me?

The Bush administration agreed on Oct. 5 to "assemble" that information by Oct. 22 - after the bill is supposed to be voted on by Congress - but warned that many of the requested documents may be withheld.

If that isn't a sucker's bet, I don't know what is. You in?

Senators, interrupted

"The exhaust pipe on my car was shooting flames out if it Wednesday, Thursday and today, and I'm afraid it will tomorrow, too!"
"Don't you think you should get that checked out?"
"No, I'll just wait until it blows up."

Democratic lawmakers assailed the Justice Department yesterday for issuing secret memos that authorized harsh CIA interrogation techniques, demanding that the Bush administration turn over the documents. But officials refused and said the tactics did not violate anti-torture laws.

Idiots. Time is precious and cannot be foolishly wasted telling everyone when there are repressed sadist games to be played suspects to be interrogated. The laws were changed secretly for a reason. Terrorists read newspapers, too.

One opinion issued by the Justice Department's Office of Legal Counsel in May 2005 authorized a combination of painful physical and psychological interrogation tactics, including head slapping, frigid temperatures and simulated drowning, according to current and former officials familiar with the issue.

Boys will be boys. But should Bush and Co. be worried? Messrs. Eggen and Abramowitz claim that the memos

create an unwelcome complication for the Bush administration as it tries to win confirmation of former federal judge Michael B. Mukasey as the next attorney general.

If I were a member of the Bush administration, I wouldn't sweat it. Paddy is on the case and he

vowed to question Mukasey closely about his views on interrogation policies during confirmation hearings this month.

"Mr. Mukasey, do you think we should torture suspects in custody?"
"I can't answer that because potential suspects might learn how to combat specific techniques."
"But I'm not asking for specifics, merely your view on whether we should or should not torture."
"I can't answer that because then you might not vote for me."
"Your honesty is refreshing, Mr. Mukasey. I think we're done. I'm starving. Anyone up for some Chinese?"

And let's be realistic for a moment. As Francis Fragging Townsend said

If Americans are killed because we failed to do the hard things, the American people would have the absolute right to ask us why.

Damn straight. Ain't nothin' more 'murrikan than combating barbarity with barbarity.
















"Yeah. I don't think you'll be getting that memo."


You ungrateful bastards update:

Bush, speaking emphatically, noted that "highly trained professionals" conduct any questioning. "And by the way," he said, "we have gotten information from these high-value detainees that have helped protect you."

So there.

Please stop punching yourself

There's already enough blood to clean up as it is.

In a letter to Mr. Mukasey made public Wednesday, the chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee, Patrick J. Leahy of Vermont, said he would go forward with the confirmation hearings without the promise of documents.

Because too much information is a bad thing.

The decision to go forward with the hearings appeared to reflect a calculation by Mr. Leahy and other Democrats that they did not want to be seen as willing to leave the post unfilled after complaining so loudly of turmoil in the department under Mr. Gonzales.

They wouldn't dare foolishly risk the well-deserved backlash from The Dean and his acolytes of High Broderism. They're Very Serious People who are the Guardians of Sacred Bipartisanship. Would you wish the Democrats to bring down their Holy Wrath and make us all suffer?

Despite concerns among Democrats and some civil liberties groups about Mr. Mukasey's past support for sweeping national security powers for the executive branch, his nomination has generally been well received on Capitol Hill, among Democrats and Republicans alike.

That's it? That's the issue that would've kept these hearings from going smoothly? Everything's been going swimmingly under The New and Improved Unitary Executive, or haven't you been paying attention? Sure, Roberts, Alito and Gonzales may have been a wee bit to the right of the majority of Americans on every possible issue, but since Bush has gotten what he wants, what would be the point of ramming through yet another wingnut nominee? He's certainly not greedy for the powertrip gravy train to stay fresh and tasty. Stupid moonbats.