Friday, October 19, 2007

You say to-may-to, I say to-mah-to

Torture. Gotta get me some of that!

President Bush's nominee for attorney general, Michael B. Mukasey, declined Thursday to say if he considered harsh interrogation techniques like waterboarding, which simulates drowning, to constitute torture or to be illegal if used on terrorism suspects.
A dog-and-pony show not resulting in straight answers? Why, I'm as shocked as you are! Though I and anyone else with at least partially-functioning mental faculties should not be shocked at this:
"Is waterboarding constitutional?" Mr. Mukasey was asked by Senator Sheldon Whitehouse, Democrat of Rhode Island, in one of the sharpest exchanges.

"I don't know what is involved in the technique," Mr. Mukasey replied. "If waterboarding is torture, torture is not constitutional."
Is or isn't waterboarding torture? Is or isn't ketchup a vegetable? These are questions man was not meant to ask. Do you think you could handle even a hint of the profound mysteries of the universe, the paradoxes that lie dormant throughout the dimensions, woven in the fabric of space and time, ready to trip up the unaware without a moment's notice?
"I mean, it is or it isn't," Mr. Whitehouse continued.

Waterboarding, he said, "is the practice of putting somebody in a reclining position, strapping them down, putting cloth over their faces and pouring water over the cloth to simulate the feeling of drowning. Is that constitutional?"
Good job, Sheldon, if that is your real name. You just gave away, in a public forum, valuable information that will now be used by our enemies to adjust their tactics in their eternal quest to defeat liberty, freedom, fuzzy little bunnies and the Super Magical Jesus Baby.
Mr. Mukasey again demurred, saying, "If it amounts to torture, it is not constitutional."

Mr. Whitehouse said he was "very disappointed in that answer; I think it is purely semantic."

"I'm sorry," Mr. Mukasey replied.
I'm not. That was some funny shit. Imagine, if you will, decades of wingnut screeds, first screamed, yelled and vomited out in diabolical, blood-soaked gatherings, always crowned with a virgin sacrifice to their unnamed dark lord - one can almost smell the long-dried stain of carnage on the filthy, cold stone - always held in dungeons one wag calls "thinktanks," then hastily typed up and printed by chained and starving minions, a jagged, venomous poetry directed at the strawman of lefty "moral relativism."

And now, here we are.

If I may, I'd like to close out with another humorous note. Once more unto the breach, dear Patsy:
"I don't know whether you received some criticism from anybody in the administration last night after your testimony," he said, "but I sensed a difference, and a number of people here, Republican and Democratic alike, have sensed a difference."

Mr. Mukasey insisted there had been no pressure from the White House on Wednesday, saying, "I received no criticism."
Everything according to plan. Delicious.


Mary Ellen said...

Hi randal, thanks for stopping by my blog today. I'm also happy to have new bloggers and find new blogs. Yours looks great, I love your sense of humor.

Boston fan, eh? Now I kind of feel bad for rooting for Cleveland. Well, maybe not too bad. I like to root for the underdog, it's part of being a Democrat.

I'll put your blog on my blogroll, if that's ok...if not, too bad.-you have to pay me to take it off. ;-)

Randal Graves said...

Thanks, and I'll add you to mine! It's much more enjoyable checking out blogs that aren't as known as the uber-ones. They tend to be much more interesting. But Boston? Do I come off as a Boston fan? Wow, my writing is worse than I thought! GO TRIBE! :)

Mary Ellen said...

Phewww! At least I know you have better taste in baseball teams. Of course, who am I to talk, I'm a White Sox fan...and you saw what they did this last season. Sheesh...

Your writing is fine, I just can't read worth a lick when I'm trying to blog and work at the same time.

Randal Graves said...

White Sox? I want off your blogroll immediately! :)

And that's why you put the work aside. It'll be there later on, whereas the ephemeral electrons of the internets may not be. Of course, now I have to get back to doing some actual work.

Tom Harper said...

Is waterboarding torture? The best way to determine that would be to waterboard Mukasey, and then see what he says.

Mary Ellen said...


There's worse things besides being a White Sox fan...being a Cub's fan. Gross.

To make it worse...I'm a season ticket holder, and just to rub it in, I was at the World Series for the games in Chicago.

...and you can't get off my blogroll unless you pay. It's kinda like the mafia, without the broken kneecaps.

Scarlet Witch said...

"Super Magical Jesus Baby."


Frederick said...

The message was loud and clear.

Distributorcap said...

what does one expect from a bush appointee -- honesty and humanity?

great stuff randal!

ps -- i am not a baseball fan

Randal Graves said...

Tom, come on, that's just boys blowing off some steam!

mary ellen, yes, thanks for that. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to start drinking and I don't care that it's not yet 8am and the Indians haven't officially been eliminated yet.

scarlet witch, praise Him let ye be struck with wrathful lightning bolts.

frederick, how the hell did I miss that? Thanks for adding another round to my drinking.

distributorcap, I was really really really hoping for just one time, pretty please with sugar on top and sprinkles to have someone not perpetually strung up by the balls for the good of The Party. Then the drugs wore off. And that's okay, I'm not a [insert sport you like that I probably don't] fan. We can still all get along. No Republicans though. Have enough of those fuckers in my immediate family.