Tuesday, October 23, 2007

You're voting for Mike Huckabee

Why? Whaddya mean why? You want to piss off Chuck Norris?

What's that? You don't understand? And why all these questions when there shouldn't be any questions when it concerns Chuck Norris? Let me assuage your fears of Chuck Norris coming over to your house and beating you to a bloody pulp merely by staring at you because his eyes are two extra fists.

Last night on CNN's Situation Room - 30 seconds I'll never get back, curse the motherfucker who invented TV remotes - hosted by the Walking Stubble, we mere homo sapiens (no, Mr. Norris, that's our genus - no, not our genius, only your fists are genius, oh, nevermind - rest assured we're not all gay, and those very few that are, well, they all live in San Francisco and Taxachusetts, so you can Texas Ranger it up all you want - no, I'm not making fun of you, Mr. Norris - please don't kill me) learned that the esteemed defender of Intelligent Design and personal bodyguard to the Super Magical Jesus Baby is backing Mike Huckabee for President. We also learned that there was a flap about Willard's hair at the Who Hates Brown People More and Torture Makes Me Horny debate.

I know this is merely the 752,334,193rd post on why the media sucks, and I also know that I'm not contributing one damn thing to a higher discourse of why they continue to talk about inane, pointless things while complaining that no one really wants to be talking about inane, pointless things but would rather be talking about, but cannot, because this egregious inanity of pointlessness must be highlighted as an example of the superficiality of the blogosphere, the important issues of the day such as the Mukasey nomination and whether he is a supporter of the President's unconstitutional spying policies and why it doesn't matter because if you've done nothing wrong you have nothing to hide; whether any of the candidates have a plan for withdrawal from our illegal occupation of a sovereign nation which they don't because there's all that rich, creamy oil lustily calling our name from underneath all that sand; whether the Indians' monumental collapse could've been prevented by Chuck Norris -

- no, Mr. Norris, I'm not questioning your immense, God-given powers of fisticuffery. If you had played for the 1962 Mets, they would've won the World Series. No, please, Mr. Norris, I was only joking, does anyone remember laughter? Oh shit, tell my wife and kids I love them. Donate my body to science - if there's anything left - Zeppelin ruuuuulllllleeeesss............


pissed off patricia said...

Well, I guess I have my orders if Chuck Norris says so. So who is this guy and why does anyone care who he is voting for?

Notice all the repub candidates are chicken shit to talk about the war that is going on right now, instead they feel safer attacking the only female in the race. What does that say about their macho-hood?

Frederick said...

F*** Huckabee.

Randal Graves said...

Patricia, it's disturbing. If Rosie O'Donnell or Sean Penn say anything, they're out of touch Hollywood types, and we have Wolf and Co. blathering on about whether they understand the common man. But Chuck Norris matters. It's gotta be the fists of fury.

And they are deathly afraid of Hillary. These people are so repressed sexually, they turn into hypocritical perverts and hate women with any kind of authority. But unfortunately, that's the culture. They're aggressive and manly, Hillary, as a woman, is ambitious and bitchy.

She's not my preferred candidate, but a Hillary/Obama ticket, and all the exploding wingnuts heads? Man, that would be sweet.

Frederick, amen.

Mary Ellen said...

I'll bet there are Chuck Norris centerfold posters up on all the Blackwater lockers. I wouldn't doubt if Larry Craig has a signed copy.

Randal Graves said...

You're probably right, and no doubt that Larry's is a poster of the iconic image from Invasion, USA of Chuck Norris holding the two guns and sporting a wide stance. I apologize for knowing that, but Chuck Norris told me that if I didn't, I'd get punched in the face.

Tom Harper said...

I was gonna say what you already said in your earlier comment. The wingnuts continue blubbering about Hollywood and "LaLa Land" while they're ignoring (or they're too dense to grasp the irony) the fact that two of the major players in the '08 election are from...[drumroll]...Hollywood.

Randal Graves said...

And let's not forget The Greatest American Of All Time, The Man Who Single Handedly Defeated Communism - sorry, Chuck Norris, please don't hit me - Saint Ronald Wilson Reagan, the man Touched By God who deserves a statue in every town square in The United States Of America, The Shining City On The Hill.

And Rudy! dresses like he's gone to quite a few Hollywood parties. Didn't he used to be a regular at Studio 54, too?