Been caught stealing

"My friends, I need that laptop."
"You can't just take someone's laptop without suspicion, Senator."
"Probable cause is for fancy boys. This is the border between Pennsylvania and Mexico, dammit."

Federal agents may take a traveler's laptop computer or other electronic device to an off-site location for an unspecified period of time without any suspicion of wrongdoing, as part of border search policies the Department of Homeland Security recently disclosed.

Now that's the America I know. Sniff. Sweet land of liberty...of thee...I...sing...

DHS officials said the newly disclosed policies -- which apply to anyone entering the country, including U.S. citizens -- are reasonable and necessary to prevent terrorism. Officials said such procedures have long been in place but were disclosed last month because of public interest in the matter.

Civil liberties and business travel groups have pressed the government to disclose its procedures as an increasing number of international travelers have reported that their laptops, cellphones and other digital devices had been taken -- for months, in at least one case -- and their contents examined.

The policies state that officers may "detain" laptops "for a reasonable period of time" to "review and analyze information." This may take place "absent individualized suspicion."

Sure, it sounds ridiculous, but you know the jihadist's modus operandi: file after file skilfully hidden on the C drive with scary-sounding names like greatsatan.txt, suitcasebomb.doc and the always frightening killtheirbabies.exe. So, untie the Gordian knot that is your panties and chill.

The policies cover "any device capable of storing information in digital or analog form," including hard drives, flash drives, cellphones, iPods, pagers, beepers, and video and audio tapes. They also cover "all papers and other written documentation," including books, pamphlets and "written materials commonly referred to as 'pocket trash' or 'pocket litter.'"

Papers please, indeed. But don't worry, iron-clad safeguards exist to protect you, the citizen, from any wrongdoing at the behest of others who might not have your best interests in mind. Not everyone can have a gut as sensitive to the nuances of our violent and dangerous world like Secretary Chertoff who, alone among men, realizes that "the most dangerous contraband is often contained in laptop computers or other electronic devices." Oh brother, don't I know it! When I'm abroad sowing the seeds of democracy in barbarian lands, I'm always stuffing my Colombian in the spaces between microprocessors for the comfortable plane ride back home.

Reasonable measures must be taken to protect business information and attorney-client privileged material, the policies say, but there is no specific mention of the handling of personal data such as medical and financial records.

When a review is completed and no probable cause exists to keep the information, any copies of the data must be destroyed. Copies sent to non-federal entities must be returned to DHS. But the documents specify that there is no limitation on authorities keeping written notes or reports about the materials.

Whew! I know I feel better, don't you? Time for a drink to celebrate.
Something chilling.