Friday, August 15, 2008

Kids say the darndest things, the little bastards

In this topsy-turvy world of bloodthirsty tyrants hellbent, not for leather, but world domination, where supposed upholders of the law haughtily claim that it's not always a crime when such laws are broken and when your favorite sports teams fail year after year to win one of those shiny trophies -- wait, none of that is topsy-turvy at all! That's status quo! -- joys can seem all the greater even when they're small.

"That's what she said! Wooooooo!"

"Guess what came in the mail today?"

"Do I even want to know?"
*rifles through contents of envelope*
"Dude! Artist, do you know where your mother and I will be on Tuesday, September 23? At the House of Blues in beautiful downtown Cleveland to see the mighty Opeth."

"I hope you guys don't get shot."

Mind you, this was said, in direct contrast to my childlike exuberance, with the deadpanned nonchalance of an ex-con who knows something that you don't know, namely that you're going to get whacked.

"Well, we don't plan to."

"No one plans to."

I thought about throwing 'no one plans to have children either' back in her face, but I've used variations of that so often that the edge has dulled like a stick of butter that's sat out too long. So I told her that there are only two weeks left of summer vacation. Worked like a charm.


Mary Ellen said...

So I told her that there are only two weeks left of summer vacation. Worked like a charm.

LOL! Hit 'em where it hurts, that'll show the little monsters!

Oh...and I hope you don't get shot, either 'cuz we know if so much as get a little scratch, we'd be hearing about how you almost died and then you'd try to guilt us into being nice to you or something. We can't have that.

Je ne regrette rien said...

ha, offspring. can't lock'em up in a windowless room until they're 18, can't live without'em. wait a minute ... CAN we lock'em up in windowless rooms now? did they change that law?

Dean Wormer said...

Ha! That story is great as well as the remark you almost tossed back.

dusty said...

Your a cheeky fucker Randal, I will give you that. ;p

Randal Graves said...

ME, if I end up taking a round, I won't care if you're nice or not, only if you send sympathy cash.

JNRR, I think we can if we declare them enemy combatants.

dean, the only thing more fun involving one's kids is watching them do their chores, the sweet sound of angry grumbling filling the air.

dusty, yet unlike so many cheeky fuckers, I keep my cheeks in my pants!

Missy said...

Reminds me of that song, "Don't get killed."

So, whatever you do, don't get killed.

My preferred method of keeping them in check is embarrassment.

La Belette Rouge said...

Look at you going out on the town in the big city. And, yes, please don't get killed we would miss your snarkitude and ennui.;-)

Randal Graves said...

missy, I'm with you on the embarrassment. It was just weird to hear given that I come downtown nearly every single day of my life for work and I haven't gotten shot yet. Do crossbows count?

LBR, and I get to stay out past 10, too! Man, three bands, get up at five for work the next day. Sometimes it sucks not being 18 anymore. ;-)

Utah Savage said...

You're not eighteen? WTF! How could anyone over eighteen be this juvenile, and still keep his monocle in place. Doesn't the monocle embarrass the kids into running from you once out in public?

Unconventional Conventionist said...

Hah! She gets it from YOU!

Randal Graves said...

utah, years of practice. And why the hell would I be concerned about my kids being embarrassed by anything I do? The monocle brings in the babes.

UC, that's a dirty lie and you know it! My wife's the fucking lunatic in our household.

okjimm said...

Ya know.... I hadda look up Opeth....... I thought it was a new rendition of Hamlet or when Ophelia wins......

Anyways... be nice to your children....and they may be nice to you when you are older.

Bubba is dropping off some excellent gold bud sensimilla later tonight.

Stella said...

:L{ Where's Spongebob?

Tom Harper said...

You're too cruel. Remind them that there are only 2 more weeks of summer vacation -- how could you?

Mary Ellen said...

Randal- If you really wanted to be cruel, you would quietly sneak into the kids room before you leave for work and start screaming to hurry up or they'll be late for school. After they jump out of bed, just tell them "Ooops, that's next week, isn't it? My bad."

...and then get the hell out of there. ;-)

Randal Graves said...

okjimm, oh, you mean the director's cut where Ophelia busts out the Uzi and goes to town?

Naw, my kids are cool, just wanted to demonstrate their inherent oddity.

stella, my kids think I'm boring like Squidward. Thanks to them, I think I've seen every episode of that show.

tom, being cruel is the American way. They should be happy I didn't force them to watch a Bush press conference!

ME, now THAT is an excellent idea. ;-)

Anonymous said...

Work it, Mean Dad, work it.

Nothing says I love you like open hostility. ;-)

Were we ever really cool?

Randal Graves said...

You've got that right! And I've had the occasional day where I might have been able to pass for 'cool,' but that's about it.

Liberality said...

I'm sure someone else has said it but I'm not reading the other comments, at least not yet because sometimes I forget what it was I was going to say by the time I get to the end. Anyway, where was I, oh, talking about these long comment threads? No, my jealousy of your large readship? NO again. I am not jealous--I bet you are under tremendous pressure to constantly be witty and such, and I know that is a hugh burden that I want no part of since I am not quick on my feet at all!
Umm, oh yeah, I was going to say that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree--yeah that's it! :D

Liberality said...

huge burden dude, I can spell sometimes.

Anonymous said...

heh heh heh... I love it when someone else picks up the mean Daddy baton... Run with it Randal, run with it!!! (Run Forrest Run!)