Saturday, August 23, 2008

"Jazz, pfft. They just make it up as they go along. I can do that."

The humidity inside our suburban home, if not exactly stifling in a 'what the fuck are we still doing here in August' kind of way -- because we don't have enough loot to fly to Europe for vacation, that's why -- was all the convincing I needed to get me to leave a few minutes early for the bus. Thus, the CD I had chosen, if I could accurately remember its duration, would likely finish before I arrived, smiling like the Joker, and feeling just as loopy, at work. Lo and behold at E. 6th, Carolina Drama fades out -- dude, milkman, so what happened and why didn't I ever review this one? -- and I push play to restart the sucker. BEEP!

LOW BATT written in that futuriffic LCD lettering. Dammit.

The ubiquitous battery. An afterthought? Not anymore, not after I had to walk at least five blocks without tunes. Not a big deal, you say? You've got some nerve. Not starting so many sentences with 'not' might not be such a bad idea, no? No. You see Not having music to listen to when I'm not directly engaged in conversation with someone or something -- you've all talked to inanimate objects before, filthy liars -- is hellish, akin to a mashup of passers-by, rockers, pimps and businessmen rolling past in their swanky new wheels and all the ambient sounds of the city -- okay, Cleveland is pretty dead at 7 am on a Saturday -- being transformed into an endless loop of George Bush press conferences. When he's drunk. But I repeat myself.

And writing without music? Might as well ask me to clean up aisle six in Cheney's Good Time House of Torment where they give me a mop, a bucket filled with tepid water, maybe some of that gritty prison soap and about five minutes before they release another morsel for him to swallow whole, and if there's a second -- you know, moi -- then he likes to play with that one the way a starving sabre-toothed cat might have wanted to bat around cornered primitive man with his foot-long, flesh-rending claws.

I had no post ready today --

"Gee, it's not at all obvious."

-- are you really one to be questioning someone's mental faculties? I think I hear a mirror calling your name. Pendant que je pensais à la suggestion de La Belette Rouge, faire un post en français, j'ai reconnu que cette idée était l'idée d'une femme folle. Pourquoi ? Au début, je n'écris pas le français bien. Ensuite, si je veux écrire mes pensées complexes -- cessez de rire ! -- cela me prendrait beaucoup de jours.

Guess how many grammatical errors are above and win a case of Turtle Wax nothing. Hey, if I knew, I wouldn't need to practice. Sorry, mon amie.

Okay, let's check the news wires.


Given my natural cynicism and utter lack of faith in the American voter -- I still think McCain is going to be the one eyeing the red phone in January -- I'm not at all surprised that Obama picked an old white dude. But at least it's Biden so there's always a chance that he'll say 'bullshit' with a microphone around and if politics is anything, it's entertainment.

Apparently someone blew a bunch of folks up in Afghanistan. I had thought we fixed everything over there; you know, eradicated all the poppy fields -- WAR ON DRUGS! GRRR! CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY! FLEX! hey, Cindy called, she ran out of her supply already -- had the Taliban and their wonderfully full and manly beards on the run, killed The Greatest Threat Since Ahmadinejad's Persian Empire was single-handedly defeated by Victor Davis Hanson's kung-fu grip.

"Barack should have picked my full and manly beard. Sniff."

Oh, relax, Bill. You've got all those UFOs to deal with. Speaking of Unidentified Flying Os, are the Olympics still on? Just go away you bloated, corporate hulk so we can start talking about streamlined, populist American football. I wonder if Brett Favre is coming back to play this season. How about another will he/won't he story, Nashville Predator winger -- don't know if he's right or left, or if he's even eligible to vote -- Alexander Radulov who, while still under contract to his NHL team, signed a second with a squad in the new Russian league.

Maybe we should take on Pooty-Poot. First that whole Cold War gig, then the illegal and immoral invasion of one of our staunchest allies, Iraq Georgia, and now they're stealing our hockey players! Our hockey players!

"I must break you."

Aw, fuck it. Another war sounds like effort. Plus Vlad looks pissed off. And we don't have any money left. Pass me that bottle. I know I'm at work. Where do you think I need it the most? Oh, you honestly thought I'd say there? Are you fucking nuts? I'd lose mine!


Jess Wundrun said...

zowie, randal. I feel like I just careened around the inside of a pinball machine. you've left zero topics for the rest of us bloggers.

Thanks. I can take the morning off. Now I think I'll take the girls to the donut shop.

(I'm watching the Olympics on my tivo. I can skip over that ridiculous water polo coverage and anything that Chris Collinsworth might find interesting.)

Non, Je ne regrette rien said...

YOU got a MOP?! damn, all they gave me was a lousy toothbrush.

I think a Putin-Cheney ticket would be the bomb. Literally. for millions. and ain't that the shit.

I saw somewhere that Osama/Biden and Osama/Bin Laden are only like 3 letters away. After the repukes get tired of the attack video they put up in the wee hours, do you think they'll do one on that next?


Randal Graves said...

jess, mmmm...donuts...wait, they're using Collinsworth? You poor souls.

JNNR, hey, I've got clout.
OMZGLOLHOWEVERYOUSAYTHISCRAP, you're right! Those sneaky jihadists, well played.

Well, off to go buy a burka for my wife!

Angie said...

After that happiness, pass me the vodka! I'll mix it in my orange julius and carry it around the mall today as I walk aimlessly to and fro without any purchasing power. Wait! That's not me, at least the mall part. I'll still take the vodka and most days you can find me aimlessly pursuing most things. Have a great weekend!

American Hill BIlly said...


It sounds like a morning out of the Twilight Zone! Hot, and on to happier....Disappointments!

I thought is was a great post. I have my 12 language translator out; to figure what the hell you said, but it's stuck on Mandurin??? Maybe I shouldn't have left it in the car.

Yes, Putin's pissed with reason; pass the bottle.....I am learning Hello in Russian....Something like PreeViot....For real.

United In Peace And Freedom

Übermilf said...

How do YOU know what prison soap is like? maybe they switched to shower gel and those poofy scrubby things.

Utah Savage said...

I like the Biden pick, but then I'm not exactly credible or to be taken seriously these days. But still... Biden can kick ass. He's got good middle-class creds. And his wife's prettier than Cindy.

Bradda said...

How the hell did you know that I like to talk to inanimate objects? My cats scratch pad is one hell of a political debater. Oh, and it likes the Biden pick.

Border Explorer said...

Great post! Now I'm off to comfort Bill Richardson. See ya.

Randal Graves said...

angie, is Orange Julius still around? I haven't been inside a mall in years and I assume that's the only place where they exist. Enjoy your vodka!

AHB, I was about to crack wise on the Mandarin, but I'm sure we'll all have to learn some dialect of Chinese at some point. Or maybe Russian. Dammit, our future overlords would have to be non-latin alphabet users.

übermilf, I'm talking real prison, not the kind that the Dukester is at, so I mad an edumacated guess. I'm sure he can choose from a wide array of poofy loofahs.

utah, oh, like the shower gelled talking hairpieces are credible? I like Biden 'cause he swears. And you're right, Jill looks like an actual human female, not a robot.

bradda, cat scratch speaker, wah wah waaaaaah. The best thing about inanimate objects is that they don't talk back.

"Says you," says Mrs. Graves.

BE, diggin' the full and manly beard, huh.

Beach Bum said...

Holy blood suckers Batman. I'll be damn if Putin shouldn't star in the next Dracula movie with that look. Then again Bush looked into his eyes years ago and saw someone he liked...I think I just peed in my pants.

Tom Harper said...

"I must break you" LOL. I gotta watch Rocky IV again.

I think Biden will kick ass so Obama can continue "taking the high road," whatever or wherever that is.

susan said...

Did these people actually think 'Glasnost' meant 'Okay, we're gonna lie down and let you piss on us while you borrow money for an insane war against evil which you will just happen to wage in oil rich nations and pipeline thruways to your country and western Europe'?

I'm off to purchase a Russian translation program.

Randal Graves said...

BB, I was hoping to find a suitably creepy pic of Pooty-Poot, but this one was the undisputed champ. He could give Cheney a run for his money in Scariest Visage.

tom, "Go for it." What was the height difference between those actors? Three feet? I'm guessing that's why he took him. Dems still love playing nice, but maybe someone said "look Barack, you need someone to shoot from the hip, ruffle some feathers."

susan, yes, that's exactly what they thought. The wall comes down and "oops, better find a new enemy" as if Russia was going to sit too busy to do anything but read Milton Freidman and Ayn Rand.

I just can't get past that Cyrillic. The difficulty of learning new things is one aspect of aging that sucks. :)

Liberality said...

" you've all talked to inanimate objects before, filthy liars "

okay, I confess. I talk to myself sometimes. There is a method to the madness though, if I can be permitted to defend myself. And no one else gives a damn about politics around here anyway unless they rant on about gayness, flag burning or gun owner worship. Christ, no wonder I'm slowly going mad!

Randal Graves said...

Oh hell, no need to defend yourself on that at this place, I'm always talking to myself, though I try to keep it down out of deference to others. What about homosexual flagburning gun control freaks? They're just the worst.

I'd wager more people will croak from eating Burger King this week than there were flag burnings in the US the last 365 days.

Mauigirl said...

This was great. Love the Putin picture, is he ever creepy.

And what does it mean that I totally understood what you wrote in French? If your French is ungrammatical I guess it means so is mine!

Randal Graves said...

You did? The whole thing? You might want to consult a grammar just to be sure because there's no way I could've gotten it that correct.

Dean Wormer said...

Even more French. :-)

You know who blitzed France, don't you?

(I'm not sure there's a point there but what the hell.)

aoc gold said...

The Naughty Boy

There was a naughty boy,

And a naughty boy was he,

He ran away to Scotland

The people for to see

Then he found
That the ground

Was as hard,

That a yard

Was as long,

That a song

Was as merry,

That a cherry

Was as red,

That lead

Was as weighty,

That fourscore

Was as eighty,

That a door

Was as wooden

As in England
So he stood in his shoes

And he wonder'd;

He stood in his shoes

And he wonder'd.

-----by aoc gold

Randal Graves said...

dean, you know who saved our ass in the Revolutionary War, dontcha? ;-)