Lou Dobbs just had an orgasm

"Oooh yeah, that's it baby, speaka de English!"

Concerned about its appeal to sponsors, the women’s professional golf tour, which in recent years has been dominated by foreign-born players, has warned its members that they must become conversant in English by 2009 or face suspension.

For the record, golf is not a sport but a game of skill, akin to lawn darts and permutations of various drinking games. Hitting a round ball then walking to where it landed while someone carries the heavy stuff is not an athletic endeavor.

Let us compare this to actual sports, with actual physical exertion:

Major League Baseball, which has a high percentage of foreign-born athletes, said it had not seen the need to establish a language guideline. Pat Courtney, a spokesman for M.L.B., said baseball had not considered such a policy because it wanted its players to be comfortable in interviews and wanted to respect their cultures.

"Given the diverse nature of our sport, we don't require that players speak English," he said. "It's all about a comfort level."

The National Hockey League, which is based in Canada where English and French are the official languages, also places no such requirements on its players, although several clubs provide players with tutors if they express a desire to learn English.

The National Basketball Association, which had 76 international players from 31 countries and territories last season, follows a similar approach to the N.H.L.

"This is not something we have contemplated," said Maureen Coyle, the N.B.A.'s vice president for basketball communications.

What, you thought I'd waste time talking about the Dumbass National Convention? Don't be silly. On second thought, be a wee bit silly, mischievous, even. Some might go so far as to say elfin. Listen to the elf man who would require the least amount of nose-holding in November.

Unless, of course, Kodos were running and Diva/Nunly had been abducted by said creature from outer space:



Oh, Dennis, if only you didn't have a bad haircut. I feel your pain, my brother.