Monday, August 4, 2008

How to run a campaign without really trying*

The Diva/Nunly '08 campaign, in our ongoing Bunyanesque effort so reminiscent of a perpetual motion machine of American-made axes chopping down the trees of tyranny thereby permitting, by the grace of Saint Ronnie --

"Well, there you go again, praising my rugged individualism."

-- the shining, Brylcreem rays of the American torch of liberty to reach you, the precious American voter, would like to give you, the treasured American voter, a behind-the-scenes glimpse at our decision to salute the inexhaustible joy that cherished American things bring, usually followed up by a tear -- no! Save your own, O American voter that we adore, for it is not a bitter, salty lament, but one as sweet as happy fun --

"Don't forget American."

-- candy, perhaps even a Clark Bar!**

Ugh. That's enough typical bullshit sloganeering for one election.

Since we run a clean, peace-loving campaign with your choice of beer, jelly donuts and strawberries to wash down the tasty meats (yeah, we've even got veggie burgers for you über-lefties, so mellow out) of our BBQs that everyone but the press is invited to, we don't call our war room a war room. We prefer to think of it as a message parlor.

So instead of filling your beautiful minds with images of verbal infighting, fisticuffs and papers spattered with the blood of strategery, we lustily offer good food and drink and a sensual rubdown for the low, low price of your vote. En plus, we're far more attractive than the two jokers pictured above.

Hey, sex sells.

So get ready for an unprecedented look --

"It's entirely precedented, Mr. Graves."

"Why you green-blooded, pointy-eared --"

"Thanks for the homo sapiens solidarity, McCoy, but why don't you guys go back to your own piece of fiction? Stupid fucking Hollywood assh -- what? The camera's still rolling?

Anyway, we love all things American, but some American things are more American than others and we endeavor to inform all Americans of our inextinguishable love of these extra-patriotic American things. For example --"


Pet these feisty felines for only one dollar Euro!

"You want to sell cute n' cuddly kittens with that?"

"There's violence. Americans love violence."

"And food, just like kittens do. In other words, America is one big, violent, hungry kitten that won't accept devalued American currency thanks to eight years of insane fiscal policy by people who hate everything America stands for. Oh, and we love this kitten."


"Why did I hire you again?"

"The monocle conceals a Hypno Ray --"

"-- possibly of alien origin. We don't know what kind of permanent effects that can have on either the hypnotizer or the hypnotizee. I'll get right on that."

"I knew a Minister of UFOs would come in handy. Okay, what about puppies?"

Our opponents enable man-eating terrorist cats that are anti-football, anti-family and anti-freedom. Don't be like them. Love kittens. Be American.

"That's not very positive. And you didn't even address puppies."

"But I hate the Cincinnati Bengals."

"Everyone hates the Cincinnati Bengals. Why not have an ad with someone flipping off McCain while you're at it?"

"Let's hold off on the one-fingered salutes. I'm not running the FCC yet and we don't have Cheney's oil money to pay the fines, that's why."

"Relax, gang. Birds and puppies aren't even necessary. We simply show Johnny in his natural habitat. That's enough to scare the bejeezus out of anyone. Just watch the reaction of the test audience:"

"Scares the hell out of me, too! Let's get back to being positive for a moment. Something not so frightening. How about moonbeams?"

We need a keg in orbit to provide emergency beer!

"We'll drink to that!"

Coming tomorrow, the yawn-inducing exciting conclusion!

Vote Diva/Nunly '08, you filthy hippies freedom loving Americans!

*preapproved by Diva, like your credit card. Paid for by a daring nighttime raid on Halliburton's headquarters.
**made in America by Necco, an American company based in America!


FranIAm said...

This campaign will blow the fucking lid off of American politics as we know it.

It already has!

pissed off patricia said...

One thing is missing and you know what that is......silly, it's cake. Big cakes and lots of them. Anyone who doesn't eat cake hates America. All the polls show that, don'cha know?

Puppies and kittens are cute and all, but a little skunk might be just right, about now.

I'll sell ya my vote for a case of Sapphire gin and maybe a couple quarts of olives. Seems a fair trade to me.

Ingrid said...

oh and ps...check out KOOP's 'pedro gattos' interview tonight at our local radio station (community) where he interviews
Dr. H. Bruce Franklin;
topic Militarization and American Culture...I'll post on it later..IF I DON'T GET INTERRUPTED AGAIN!!*** sheesh [g]

Border Explorer said...

This is simply a brilliant campaign, Mr. Graves! Don't even listen to that nay-sayer #2 above. Swilling martinis in the morning, is she?

Uh, but...Sir, did you intentionally omit the moonbeams plank? Or will that get treated later?

Mary Ellen said...

Holy crap, randal! This was amazing, but I'm afraid that it's obvious that you put a lot of work into this which might give people the impression that you're not the slacker you say you are!

I have to agree with POP, we need lots and lots of cake. Every American should be obese and diabetic, it's the American way, dammit!

Utah Savage said...

Nunly scares the crap out of me. She doesn't share her joints and she gets mad if you ask her to stay on topic. But even fear of Nunly won't keep me from the BBQ

Border Explorer said...

Nunly: great strategy re. POP's ideas! With cake, skunk, some gin & olives...she may even join the campaign. All obese/diabetic Americans will vote for Diva's universal health care. We are IN!
Now, would you maybe share a joint to go with my cake?

Dean Wormer said...

I'm really digging this pro-beer platform.

What I'd like to know is if the campaign is inclusive.

Are you including microbrews as well as domestics?

How do you come down on lemon wedges in the beer?

Mary Ellen said...

border explorer- I'll not only share my joint,but I'll bake you some magic brownies. Besides...I ALWAYS SHARE...I'm a nun, it's in my contract.

Point of reference:

And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. {41} If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. {42} Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you. (Matthew 40)

So, if a person asks for a hit off my joint, I should give him my whole stash. That's probably why I have so many potheads following me around. ;-)

But I won't share with Utah because she's always bitching at me about something. Sheesh.

DivaJood said...

Randal, not only will you and Mrs. Randal fly on Air Force One to Paris to celebrate the election of Diva/Nunly, I will make sure the bar is stocked with Ripple for you. That was a fine effort, made more so by the fact that I have been slacking of late, and Nunly herself is off to play with grandchildren and puppies.

Agi said...

Was that Ocho Cinco getting flipped off? I seem to recall that hilarious exchange of non-verbal communication from last season...

Liberality said...

yeah, I'm all for the campaign platform. It's got kittens and beer and STUFF. Some say we need cake. I say we need ice cream and chocolate-STAT!

susan said...

I can't vote because I'm still Canadian but just like Henry Kissinger I can be Secretary of State and I don't take no dictation. However, I do bake good chocolate brownies - with and without..

dguzman said...

Whatever they're paying you, it's not enough.

DivaJood said...

dguzman, I tripled his salary.

okjimm said...

I thought I posted here? Maybe I posted there instead of here. I am easily confused....which is a good thing. My friends all tell me I am scary when I speak with anykind of clarity.

John McCain is scary enough when he speaks at all..... I truly believe that McShit is not really a living entity..... more like Edgar Bergen's dummies...and not as entertaining.

Gees, I thought I posted here. Time for another pain pill, I guess.

Jen Clark said...

This has nothing to do with your post, but I'm watching ESPN right now and they just advertised the Saints vs. Cardinals on Monday Night Football... which will take place Thursday night.

So doesn't that mean that it's not fucking Monday Night Football?


Thanks for letting me rage. Carry on...

Anonymous said...

Ah...Mr. forgot to mention the hemp and the pot in every chicken. I'm just saying....

Randal Graves said...

fran, if only we could get some face time on teevee!

POP, certainly a fair trade, methinks. As for chocolate cake, patience, grasshopper.

ingrid, you lost me, I think you commented on the wrong blog!

BE, that was it, Governer Moonbeam, one of our fiercest allies!

ME, just grabbing some avatars, there's about 7 billion shots of that fucker Reagan in the tubes, then some bullshittery. It's not like I brilliantly deconstructed the lead-up to the invasion of Iraq. ;-)

utah, no press, otherwise, everyone's invited. BYOA (axe) just in case talking hairpieces and childish scribblers DO show up.

BE, all of our cake is special. I'll say no more here in public, for it's a campaign secret and our opponents might be reading.

dean, we are pro-beer in all it's forms. Yes, even Old Milwaukee if you so choose, but we will try to ween you off such tripe. Lemon wedges? Hey, it's your beer, put whatever you want in it. I hear McCain likes turpentine in his.

ME, hey, I'm always asking for your stash and I have yet to see it, dammit!

diva, now that's excellent. Paris andRipple? The bestest combination possible! You're the best boss.

agi, in that pic, I'm not sure, but what was odd is that he leaped into the damn crowd and they patted him on the head. I expected dozens of beers to be dumped on him. Dawg Pound just ain't what it used to be.

liberality, ice cream! I never thought of that!

susan, well, you could also be like Henry Kissinger and promote illegal invasions and takeovers behind the scenes. So, when can we expect the Canadian army, equipped with fully loaded joints and hockey sticks, to march across the border?

dguzman, that's my favorite comment yet!

diva, no, this one is!

okjimm, which is why you frighten us, but you were given the post of Idea Man by the boss. Take two and call your boss in the morning and say you'll be extra late.

jen, that's screwy because they used to have Thursday Night Football advertised as such when they started that crap back in the late 80s.

spartacus, just you wait, my man.

Dusty said...

the shining, Brylcreem rays of the American torch of liberty to reach you- You are marvelous Randal!!!

I bow to your greatness sir ;p

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you didn't have us doing anything disrespectful or dishonorable. We want to bring honor and dignity back to the White House, you know.

Stella said...

As Jerry Brown said, "I worked very hard for the title 'Governor Moonbeam.'"

Just wait until 2010... ;L)