How to run a campaign without really trying*

The Diva/Nunly '08 campaign, in our ongoing Bunyanesque effort so reminiscent of a perpetual motion machine of American-made axes chopping down the trees of tyranny thereby permitting, by the grace of Saint Ronnie --


















"Well, there you go again, praising my rugged individualism."

-- the shining, Brylcreem rays of the American torch of liberty to reach you, the precious American voter, would like to give you, the treasured American voter, a behind-the-scenes glimpse at our decision to salute the inexhaustible joy that cherished American things bring, usually followed up by a tear -- no! Save your own, O American voter that we adore, for it is not a bitter, salty lament, but one as sweet as happy fun --








"Don't forget American."

-- candy, perhaps even a Clark Bar!**










Ugh. That's enough typical bullshit sloganeering for one election.

Since we run a clean, peace-loving campaign with your choice of beer, jelly donuts and strawberries to wash down the tasty meats (yeah, we've even got veggie burgers for you über-lefties, so mellow out) of our BBQs that everyone but the press is invited to, we don't call our war room a war room. We prefer to think of it as a message parlor.

So instead of filling your beautiful minds with images of verbal infighting, fisticuffs and papers spattered with the blood of strategery, we lustily offer good food and drink and a sensual rubdown for the low, low price of your vote. En plus, we're far more attractive than the two jokers pictured above.

Hey, sex sells.

So get ready for an unprecedented look --








"It's entirely precedented, Mr. Graves."








"Why you green-blooded, pointy-eared --"








"Thanks for the homo sapiens solidarity, McCoy, but why don't you guys go back to your own piece of fiction? Stupid fucking Hollywood assh -- what? The camera's still rolling?

Anyway, we love all things American, but some American things are more American than others and we endeavor to inform all Americans of our inextinguishable love of these extra-patriotic American things. For example --"








"Kittens."














Pet these feisty felines for only one dollar Euro!








"You want to sell cute n' cuddly kittens with that?"








"There's violence. Americans love violence."








"And food, just like kittens do. In other words, America is one big, violent, hungry kitten that won't accept devalued American currency thanks to eight years of insane fiscal policy by people who hate everything America stands for. Oh, and we love this kitten."








"Exactly!"








"Why did I hire you again?"








"The monocle conceals a Hypno Ray --"








"-- possibly of alien origin. We don't know what kind of permanent effects that can have on either the hypnotizer or the hypnotizee. I'll get right on that."








"I knew a Minister of UFOs would come in handy. Okay, what about puppies?"














Our opponents enable man-eating terrorist cats that are anti-football, anti-family and anti-freedom. Don't be like them. Love kittens. Be American.








"That's not very positive. And you didn't even address puppies."








"But I hate the Cincinnati Bengals."








"Everyone hates the Cincinnati Bengals. Why not have an ad with someone flipping off McCain while you're at it?"








"Let's hold off on the one-fingered salutes. I'm not running the FCC yet and we don't have Cheney's oil money to pay the fines, that's why."








"Relax, gang. Birds and puppies aren't even necessary. We simply show Johnny in his natural habitat. That's enough to scare the bejeezus out of anyone. Just watch the reaction of the test audience:"

































"Scares the hell out of me, too! Let's get back to being positive for a moment. Something not so frightening. How about moonbeams?"













We need a keg in orbit to provide emergency beer!

"We'll drink to that!"

Coming tomorrow, the yawn-inducing exciting conclusion!

Vote Diva/Nunly '08, you filthy hippies freedom loving Americans!

*preapproved by Diva, like your credit card. Paid for by a daring nighttime raid on Halliburton's headquarters.
**made in America by Necco, an American company based in America!