Tuesday, August 19, 2008

New boss, same as the old boss

It's always good to know than when the well is drier than my bank account, there's always an eerily familiar pain I can count on to save me from a wretched, post-less state.

Merci for pointing that out, Mr. Eight-and-oh-with-the-one-point-six-ERA.

Talented pitcher, toiling for a fumbling squad, gets traded across leagues to a doe-eyed, hopeful gang of beloved -- I know that's pushing it where the Brewers are concerned -- underachievers and proceeds to tear it up like kleenex at a snot party in leading his new teammates to a long-overdue playoff spot.

Where they promptly rip out the beating heart of their fans, show it to them in the rapidly decaying seconds of life that crystallizes such horror into the last thing they'll ever breathe, and toss it on the ground, stomping on it, muscle fibres that once pumped precious joy throughout their veins now frayed, empty strands shredded by the polished steel of sharpened cleats, twitching in dark, coagulating pools of blood, mocking.

Sorry, boss. But don't worry, the unholy beast that is karma is striking my soul as we speak, for verily it is the height of folly to assume that a Cleveland sporting team could go through a preseason without getting smacked in the skull.

I hope DA is all right because I'm not sure I could take a quarterback controversy and, given the intelligence of the average sports fan, any lingering effects from the ringing of the bells would turn that slow burn into a full-blown conflagration.

Brady Quinn is the savior!

No, he's the messiah, you dumbass!

Same thing!

Them's fightin' words!

Touchdown Jesus Brady!

I blame the pants.


Mary Ellen said...

Yup---blame the pants. :-)

Da Bears picked Kyle Orton as their quarterback...ugh. Just because the guy had a few good games last year when Grossman was out, everyone's talking about the guy like he's somethin'. Oh well, we'll see..at least they didn't sign up that Cheesehead Brett Fart.

Now speaking of baseball....

The White Sox hammered the Mariners 13 to 5 last night. It was almost as much fun as watching them get four straight home runs against the Royals last week. ;-)

DivaJood said...

You are absoulutely killing me, RG. Rip the beating heart out of me, indeed. I'm just saying that it is still baseball season. Preseason football does not count. And as for Orton vs. Grossman for da Bearss, where oh where is someone like the Punky QB?

Anonymous said...

I watched last night's preseason game between the Giants and Browns. While I was happy to see my home team's O- & D- Lines perform exceptionally well, I could not help but feel for you when Derek Anderson went down. Listen, if the Red Sox can endure years of close-but-no-cigar seasons to win two World Series, so can the Browns and Indians.

Angie said...

I truly think the NFL, NBA, MLB, NHL (the whole lot of them!) needs to hire you as a commentator. I would certainly watch more games. As is, I usually mute the sound while watching a game.

Übermilf said...

I am just happy that football season and World Series season is rapidly approaching, because I do so love taco dip.

Mary Ellen said...

Diva- I actually met Jim McMahon at some event my husband's company had. He was actually a pretty nice guy, I thought he'd be all stuck up and everything. He even laughed at one of my lame quips. Maybe he just had too much to drink...or he was just being nice, but it's still a nice memory.

I kinda lost interest in pro football in the last five years or so. Maybe I'll try to get back into watching it again. I still love college football, though.

Je ne regrette rien said...

Is this one of those vote for the cutest outfit polls? If so, I'm TOTALLY going with Sportster #2 in the cubby outfit. Hell, any guy who can do the splits in tight pants gets my vote..... go cubs, go cubs !!

What's that you say? those aren't the splits? Close enough for horseshoes, I say. hmmm. quit trynta burst my bubble.

Border Explorer said...

Angie's on to something. As your intern, perhaps I could double as your agent. Übermilf, pass over a beer?

Randal Graves said...

ME, well, as a neutral, third-party observer, Grossman HAS, aside from a few games where he was obviously possessed by the ghost of Sid Luckman, sucked vast amounts of ass. Orton, though not much better, does turn the ball over less.

I fear a White Sox-Cubs series. I might just stay indoors and drink for a week. ;-)

diva, McMahon was very underrated. Sure, he got hurt a lot, but, and I hate to sound like some old school, anti-sabermetric clown, but he was a winner. Just look at what happened in 1986 and 1987.

spartacus, dude, I don't want to wait another 40 years. ;-) And though I don't think we're as bad as we looked and your Giants as good, I find it laughable that it's still all Dallas, all the time in the NFC East. Sure, top to bottom, the most talented team in the division, and people might recall 1990 vs. 1991 with the Giants, unexpected run and all that, but come on. I still think they'll make the playoffs.

angie, oh hell no, I'd have to get a buzzcut and wear a tie! And I swear a lot.

übermilf, and if there's one thing that football provides, besides bone-jarring hits, acrobatic displays of wide receivery and dramatic endings, it's taco dip.

ME, I've actually heard similar stories, that people expected him to be a typical superstar ass, but that he's real down-to-earth.

College is okay I guess, but at the pros acknowledge their mercenary status. Plus it's just a better brand of football.

JNRR, what, no love for that rockin' beard? Those count as splits in my book. Ouch. I think I just pulled a muscle.

BE, well, just make sure the contract says that I don't have to wear a tie. And I'm not shaving.

Mary Ellen said...

If we have a Cub's V White Sox Series...I'd freak. I know I'll have four seats for at least one of the games..primo seats, so that will be fun. I'd definitely take pics and blog about it. I can tell you this...the city of Chicago will be total chaos.

Missy said...

Browns? Cubs? Brewers? Pro sports is dead for me. All that's left to do this late in the summer is watch the Tigers lose and sing the life-long Tiger fan blues. Geez. Why'd they get rid of the messiah, Pudge? I know the whole sign of the cross thing was a big much, but...

Of course, we could switch over and watch the Lions lose. Actually, I'll probably just listen to the Lions lose on the radio. It's less painful. At least there's taco dip.

I'll stick with watching middle school football this year.

Anonymous said...

#66 is chubby.

Je ne regrette rien said...

RG: Beard? he had a beard? OH right, he does, doesn't he? guess I was *ahem* distracted...

fot-how can you tell with that towel hanging .... OHHHH, you said he IS chubby. sorry.

Randal Graves said...

ME, oh gee, a blog post about a Chicago team winning one of those shiny trophies, be still my heart.

missy, what, you conveniently, in order to play the woe-is-me game, leave out the Red Wings? Don't tell me you're a hockey hatin' commie like okjimm!

Boy, the Lions suck.

fot, a requisite for offensive linery.

JNNR, man, you chicks have a one-track mind, and this is a family-friendly blog. Don't make me put up another pic of Bush!

Unconventional Conventionist said...

I ALWAYS blame my pants whenever possible. It's turned out to be a sensible policy.

American Hill BIlly said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
American Hill BIlly said...

Uh, Sports?? Where did I spend my childhood? Wait sports+betting=possible money. Alright I'm on board let the good games fly, and hopefully I can start buying the players! LOL.

Peace and Freedom

American Hill BIlly said...


I just saw my award. Thank You, I appreciate it greatly.

It sucks my Net has been acting up. Anyways you've made my week!

United In Peace

American Hill BIlly said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bradda said...

Hey Randal, at least you still have wonder boy Sizemore. That kids dynamite! As for the Browns, well, since Bill Belicheck left they haven't been the same.

Anonymous said...

where is my award?

Missy said...

Oh yeah, the Red Wings. Hockey town.

Guess they slipped my mind. Well, gotta love hockey. I'm from the UP, after all.

Randal Graves said...

UC, it certainly sounds that way.
"Why didn't you do the dishes?"
"I'm sorry, it was my pants!"

AHB, please, buy us a couple of all-pro cornerbacks! And hell, buy yourself a better internet connection, you certainly need and deserve one!

bradda, how fortunes change. Belichick was hated when he was here, now he's The Greatest Coach Since Knute Rockne. Granted, a football coach effects the outcome far more than a baseball manager, but in all sports, gotta have the players.

FOT, here you go, the A Bigger Slacker Than Randal award.

I kid because I'm glad you're back. Please don't Semper Fi me into blogging oblivion.

Randal Graves said...

missy, hey, I get to root for the directionless Blue Jackets. Zherdev finally shows promise and they trade his ass to the Rangers. I just know Leclaire is gonna win the Vezina then leave as a free agent when his contract is up.

dguzman said...

Oh, Randal, darling -- please don't be bitter because you're not a Cowboys fan! I will let you root for my great team, really I will! Just put that beautiful blue star up on the top of your blog again, and all will be forgiven! Playoffs and glory!

dguzman said...

Sorry, Randal--I'm still snickering so fucking hard about writing that last comment that I had to come back and giggle some more.

Je ne regrette rien said...

what the hell, f.o.t., read my blog now and then and you'll SEE YOUR DAMN AWARD! (lmao-sheesh!)

Randal Graves said...

dguzman, as much schadenfreude you're supposedly getting for the bloody awful nightmare of having that accursed star on my blog for that eternal week - for a regular season bet, I remind you - what playoff glory are we talking about? The botched field goal attempt in 2006 or the 17 lousy points Mrs. Jessica Simpson put up against the Giants? Pardonnez-moi, for I must snicker.

JNRR, yeah, what the hell, FOT!

Anonymous said...

Well shit.

okjimm said...

//offensive linery.//

Hey, I used to try offensive linery in college. Didn't work. Got slapped alot.

Then I went with the charmy, warm, sensitive guy thing. Worked better

DivaJood said...

IF the Cubs get to, and win, the World Series, there will be about half a million suicides in Chicago - people will have nothing left to hope for.

okjimm said...

Is it time for the Hockey season? I heard the Cleveland Browns have a good Hockey Team this year.

American Hill BIlly said...

We are considering getting our own Satellite/Server. The service we have is the fastest on the Island. It costs $200 per month, and isn't much faster than dial up. Just sucks!

okjimm said...

Wowsers! 33 comments on the anguish and agnst of being a Cleveland sports fan.

Ya know, that's pretty good.

I love Art Modell. Whatta guy!

Mary Ellen said...

ME, oh gee, a blog post about a Chicago team winning one of those shiny trophies, be still my heart.

LOL! Yeah..wouldn't that be somethin'? There's no way in hell the Sox will be winning any trophies this year. The chances of them even getting to the playoff's is slim and even if they do, they won't go far. Not this year...not this year. The Cub's are looking like they will do it, though! Not a Cub's fan, but I'm a good sport, so I would wish them luck (as long as they aren't playing against the White Sox).

Mary Ellen said...

Ok, where's Randal this morning? I'll bet he's finally putting together a post with some eye candy for the ladies. Right Randal?

Randal Graves said...

fot, watch yer mouth.

okjimm, dude, if I ever decide to include jokes in my writings, I'm going to commission you to do them.

diva, wine is fine, but whiskey's quicker/suicide is slow with extra base hits?

okjimm, I retract my offer, you hockey-hating mutant!

AHB, ??? that's an obscene amount of money for a cable modem, let alone anything resembling dial-up.

okjimm, I want to put Art Modell in a pinata.

ME, um, they ARE in first place. Sheesh, you sound like a Cleveland sports fan! And no, finishing up a musical review for an act that I'm sure 100% of you all have never heard of.

Dean Wormer said...

Do you have the draft worked out yet for FF?

Autopick would be fine with me. As long as whomever gets Joey Sunshine is willing to part with the guy in a trade.

Randal Graves said...

I'm probably going to switch it to live draft for the 30th - I'll be at work, and therefore not doing work, thus draft party - but we need at least one more team. Yahoo won't allow odd numbers.

I'm surprised that Harrington seems to be third on the depth chart. He wasn't great, but certainly not the problem last year.

Mathman6293 said...

Randal sorry I am late. I guess work gets in the way of my blogger. You should know that was for the Indians in 1995. And I liked Sutcliff until he went to the Cubs.

Randal Graves said...

mathman, hey man, don't sweat it, you're the Math King of Georgia. But please, many thanks for bringing that memory up. ;-)

aoc gold said...

Infant Joy


'I have no name;

I am but two days old.

What shall I call thee?

'I happy am,

Joy is my name.

Sweet joy befall thee!


Pretty Joy!

Sweet Joy, but two days old.
Sweet Joy I call thee:

Thou dost smile,

I sing the while,

Sweet joy befall thee!
-----by maple story accounts