Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Even more how to run a campaign without really trying*

When we last left, well, us, we had, without argument, rolling eyes or condescending commentary from anyone (I get it, you all like chocolate cake, sheesh. Keep your knickers on and be patient, dammit), codified exactly half of our current, very important, vital, critical and delicious American message to you, the beloved American voter. It's the fourth quarter, two minutes left, 3rd-and-long and we need to hit a buzzer-beating home run to win one for the Gipper so we can at long last defeat evil as spine-chilling as this:


And you thought this trio was evil.

"What's one thing that all caring, environmentally-conscious, good-hearted, non-evil people like?"

"Soulless Republicans without life sentences, but instead mercilessly hacked into a gooey pulp that's used as compost for victory gardens because the price of store-bought food is so goddamn high?"

"That's what I was going to say."

"Me, too."

"Wrong, wrong and wrong. Randal?"


Reading is fundamental. So don't make LaForge beam your ass out into space.

"See, unlike those dark age Republicans, we believe in real educational ref -- what the hell is that noise?"

"Die, monster, die!"

"Oh, that's just MathMan taking his anger out on a roomful of NCLB directives."

"I think we should get back to food, because this is an issue that affects all Americans suffering under deregulated agribusiness behemoths every single day."

"Behemoths that pollute both the environment and our bodies, leaving our souls starving as well."

"Quite right. I'm tired to stretching my food dollar to buy what is essentially poisonous crap that makes our kids all pissy. And their bullshit is cutting into my toking time!"

"We need to think of something that's satisfies both the health requirements of parents and the delicious flavor all children crave. But what magical food contains both -- besides a pot in every chicken, of course."

"Why, o ye of little faith, chocolate cake!"

Diva/Nunly '08 loves you, too. Won't you return that love by casting your ballot for them this November?

"You guys don't think it's too heavy handed, do you? I mean, everyone wants to be loved, even voters."

"Even Republican voters?"

"I stand corrected."

"We need to close our message on a positive, populist note. Not that clean food and water isn't necessary, but hell with that for a second. We need something visceral, something that speaks to the gut --"

"Did someone say 'gut'?"

"Get outta here, you goddamn fascist! Security! Do we even have security?"

"We hired that one guy, but it was difficult to find someone competent on such short notice."


"Grumble. This would be so much easier if we were evil. We could just employ Blackwater. Anyway, what's the number one want in American society, always has been, always will be?"








"Thus, something perfect for lazing around on a Sunday afternoon -- or at work, if only narrow-minded corporates would let us -- something that encompasses our core values of peace, love, understanding and slackery: happy underpants!"

"Voting for Diva/Nunly makes my underpants very happy."**

"Lordy, mine, too. I mean -- gasp! -- dear wife, where is your modesty? Your chaste comportment? Wait a second, you mean right now? But I'm in a meeting -- well, wow, since you put it that way.


"Whew. Sorry to have made you guys wait so long."

"You were gone a minute, Randal. Now let's get back to work. Don't make me give Bush a call."

"I'll be good."

They're sexier than the old white guy, the middle-aged black guy and the orangutan from a dystopian future.


That's a lotta sexy.
Vote Diva/Nunly '08.

It's the hot thing to do.

*still preapproved by Diva. Paid for by yet another daring nighttime raid, this one on Rupert Murdoch's house.
**sorry Nunly, you know I'd get some eye candy in there eventually. Alright, fine, for those of you into manly men of manliness here's a a fine example of American dudesmanship relaxing in his skivvies after a hard day of toiling for The Man. Now stop asking. Don't make me sic the Lone Gunman Anthraxer on you. Oh wait, both patsies are dead. Nevermind.


Übermilf said...

Now I'm an undecided voter.

Liberality said...

Sure sex sells. I especially appreciate all the multiple orgasms I can get. BUT where is the chocolate, where is the ice cream? No, I don't need cakes. Angry started this cake fart thing that has put me off cake.

I also think we need to focus on the environment--get away from these oil wars. As the head of the EPA I intend to look into how to turn American's sexual energy (of which we have a great deal as you have so graciously pointed out) into a new fuel resource to take us off our oil addiction. More research is needed ;)

M.Yu said...

You are true pundit, with such in depth analysis that it makes my dudesmanship stand up to be counted.

Stella said...

OMG, if I just had half your sense of humor! Wonderful post!

Randal Graves said...

übermilf, then our happy and delicious campaign strategy has worked! Don't embrace evil, vote for Diva/Nunly!

liberality, that might be the greatest idea in the history of planet earth. Now, if I could only get my wife to agree with me. The sex thing, not the ice cream, she already likes ice cream.

m. yu, thanks, imagine if I actually put some thought into a post instead of funny pictures!

stella, we're happy to have your vote! Here, enjoy this delicious chocolate cake, it's very special.

Dean Wormer said...

Sex doesn't sell.

Except in Amsterdam.

DivaJood said...

I'm giving you another raise. I will more than triple what I was paying earlier. And yes, where is security?

As for eye candy, you always ignore sexy firemen.

Tom Harper said...

"Soulless Republicans without life sentences, but instead mercilessly hacked into a gooey pulp that's used as compost for victory gardens because the price of store-bought food is so goddamn high"

Works for me. Wait, I'm against capital punishment. Oh, such a quandry. I know! We could make sure the soulless Republicans aren't quite dead yet when we spread their gooey pulp throughout the victory garden.

enigma4ever said...

omg....great post...toooooo funny....you really are underpaid....( and I am so glad that Border is being so well interned)

American Hill BIlly said...

Sh$*(%U)*)$TTT!!! Damn tropical storm...shorter comment...Tom has an excellent, and definitely more moral thought. I loved this....Uh....Fick....The....word....ah...Dictionary time. I was a child that wasn't left behind...Dammit...I am eduukated...

Great Post!

Peace and Freedom

DCup said...

That is perfect. I'm glad you're being paid so well.

Careful, though, I hear your name is being circulated in Republican circles to be the campaign message guy when they bring on the V.P. candidate.

Dusty said...

You have convinced me Randal..instead of voting for my favorite feline, Scooter Lee, I will vote for this amazing duo!

Scooter will be fine with it..I will just up his daily quota of canned cat food. The fat bastard would rather I do that anyway. ;p

Randal Graves said...

dean, you're right, I've noticed just how much of a prude America is. Perhaps I should rethink this.

diva, perhaps we should all start packing. I mean, it works so well in the minds of wingnut basement dwellers. "If I had a gun, I could take on the entire Chinese Army. By myself. Flex!"

And no, I don't ignore them at all.

tom, that's always the problem, isn't it? "I'm not dead yet." "Yes, you are!"

enigma, proper internmentship is very important!

AHB, there are days where the perfectly natural thought of much violence doesn't cut it, but he's right. We'll leave the evil up to those bastards.

dcup, so am I, especially being the fashion plate that I am. Some of those t-shirts are twenty dollars!

If I ever worked for those assholes, you all have my permission to tie boulders to my feet and toss me into Hudson Bay or something equally horrid.

dusty, we're thrilled to have your vote! Oh man, for animals that like to sit on their ass doing nothing - not that I don't blame them - they sure can pack away the chow, you know?

DivaJood said...

Randal, can I have an intern too?

puddy said...

randal - you've combined at least two sports, intergallactic tyranny (zod, not the ape), reading rainbow, chocolate cake, and sex. bravo... just plain-old fucking "bravo".

okjimm said...

Sex as an Alternative Energy Source!!!
Wowsers! What a great idea!


'take us off our oil addiction'

...I think massage oils would be effective to make sure that the sexual energy is generated with out damage to moving parts.

Or some such oil.

Damn..Liberality makes a fine head of EPA!

Mary Ellen said...

Randal- There's no doubt about it, we've got this election wrapped up. However, you'll never get that "soccer mom" vote if you keep giving us pics like the last one on the page. You don't want them turning to the simian in the shades, do you? Think about it, Randal....what is the larges block of voters who can always be relied on? Women. Do young women want to see boxer short guy on a campaign poster as a reminder to what they may have to face in the future? No! Do senior women want to see pics like that to remind them what they just buried 5 years or so earlier? No! You need to give the women what they want, and that's not a fat boxer short guy alone in bed with a remote!

We want eye candy with our chocolate cake!

Border Explorer said...

Dear Ms. Enigma 4Ever,
Writing for Mr. Graves, I thank you for your continued interest in our campaign. We strive for professional excellence. Send money; your campaign contribution will be put to very good use. And when Jood/Nunly are elected you will be first to receive Happy Underpants.

Je ne regrette rien said...

okay now I am just plain pissed off - over here all frenchified and without the basic human necessities like refrigeration and internets and missing out on all the goddamned fun. *pout*

Spartacus said...

Damn it...I hate it when I show up for parties late. I've got to take fewer vacations and spend less time with the wife and kids. Sheesh. I'm turning into a slacker here.

No matter. I stand behind this campaign message (rhetoric), especially the sex part... mmmmm.

Randal Graves said...

diva, Madame Future President, you can have whatever you wish. In fact, if you want to move the White House to England, that's fine. We can build some basketball courts and baseball fields on that site.

puddy, thanks, I figure it's a reverse Republican trick. They throw all kinds of vile innuendo against the wall and hope some of them stick. I throw a bunch of crap into a post and hope for the same.

okjimm, but wouldn't those be non-fossil fuel based oils? So, those too would be good for the environment!

ME, fine, I see we're going to be bringing logic into this campaign.

How about you be the official Bearer of Beefcake®.

BE, dammit, good catch! I forgot about the 'send money' part.
Everyone, send money. Now!

JNRR, hey, that's what you get for choosing to live among frogs instead of in The Greatest Country The World Has Ever And Will Ever See, I Swear On This Toby Keith Songbook, Amen.

spartacus, yeah, hell with the damn family, you see them every day anyway! "Dad, let's do something!"
"Shut up you little bastards, I'm campaigning!"

Unconventional Conventionist said...

I see a lot of stealing ideas and "inevitability" in this campaign. Pffft.

Randal Graves said...

Kittens, puppies, moonbeams, rainbows and chocolate cake have all been loved by people of all ages for thousands of years. As for happy underpants, you don't think the Roman upper class was into them during their perverted sex orgies? Not to mention all the shadowy shenanigans of the Victorians. The evil Zaius campaign has no monopoly on these wonderful things, you friend of the robber baron!

Mariamariacuchita said...

This is very funny.