Tuesday, July 1, 2008

What a revoltin' development!

"Joey, do you like wild-card games about Gladiators?"

What? No one is talking about the exciting, three-point victory by the Cleveland Gladiators in the Arena Football League playoffs last night? Really?

Yeah, I'm not either. Though I just did. I'm sure that would seem extra paradoxical if I was nice and plastered, and after not having turned on the computer yesterday because I was busy pretending to be a writer -- checking fantasy baseball lineups doesn't count -- I wish I was nice and plastered.

And before any proprietors of proper propriety pop up, I'm fully aware that the odds of Wes Clark responding in such a way would be nil or below if he had been the Democratic nominee, offering instead a heaping plate of variations on respecting blah diddy blah, and that all politicians on campaign have to eat up that gooey, nougat center because there's simply no possible way, no how, uh uh, forget it, fucking hell no, at all ever for them to be victorious if they don't choke on that fructose and sucrose product and the only way to foist illusory happiness upon people is to be a winner.

"Oh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the Magical Man from Happy-Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane!

Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic."
"Well, duh!"

As for moron talking hairpieces, I'm not even going there.

America, for all its hot air blathering about how manly and macho and tough we are, is quite the nation of candy asses. And not the hard and resilient kind of sugary treat, like Gobstoppers.

America is like gum. Soft and malleable and sticks to the bottom of your shoe, and don't try scraping it off because you'll only make it worse.

Let us never forget Bartcop's Law #1: don't ever tell the truth in a political campaign. People want to be lied to.


Christopher said...

Wes Clark's remarks vis a vis McCain's military service at least delighted the PUMA crowd.

They crowed about all day yesterday.

Not good.

Anonymous said...

As for moron talking hairpieces, I'm not even going there.

I go there all the time. It is not a happy place.

Übermilf said...

Tell me more comfortable untruths.

I love them. Like a comfy pillow.

Unconventional Conventionist said...

Well at least Clark is defending himself. No creamy nougat center.

Clark Bars all around, please.

FranIAm said...

If you did look at the video in my post, the person in it does pray for discomfort and challenge.

We got plenty o' that 'round here!

Uncomfortable truths for $1000 Alex, I mean Randal!

Dean Wormer said...

Your post makes a nice companion piece to Digby's recent writing about the pearl-clutchers in D.C. and their reaction to Clark's comment.

Unfortunately we've set the bar for the presidency thusly:

Son: "Daddy, when I grow up I want to be president."

Dad: "Well have you ever crashed a fighter jet and been captured by the enemy?"

Son: "No."

Dad: "How about run a business into the ground? Trade Sammy Sosa?"

Son: "No."

Dad: "I'm afraid you're just not enough of a failure to be president. Sorry."

Anita said...

i can understand the need to "move to the center" (or, in his current case, to the RIGHT, far right, particularly with regard to the "faith-based" stuff) for the general election, but he's got to figure out how to keep his stories straight. or consistent. that's not happening. there is a divergence occurring here. and to paraphrase christopher,

it ain't good.

and btw ... who, may i ask, gave you permission to turn off your computer?


Dusty said...

I am with DCup on watching the freak shows..evidently we both are gluttons for punishment.

Magnificent post Randal..I salute you sir!

My baseball fantasy teams suck ass..and I don't watch the AFL.

Randal Graves said...

christopher, I want to know what the Nike and Spalding crowd think.

Come on everyone, laugh!

dcup, you certainly do and for that, I think you're nuts.

übermilf, that terrorist under your bed? He hates you for your freedom. Renounce that, and he'll leave!

UC, I actually like Clark Bars! An underrated candy.

fran, we certainly do, so stop him from calling any more of that shit down!

Hey, there's a fundraising idea, a DFH version of Jeopardy.

dean, though digby is far more incisive in her critiquing, plus she writes better. Though I have pictures, so I win!

I think we should all start failing, one of is bound to end up presid - wait, we don't have any rich relatives to bail our ass out, do we.

anita, I just think that whatever this mythical gooey center is, it doesn't need to be the be all, end all of campaigning and that NOT going there isn't going to derail a campaign. The talking hairpieces might crow about it, but they crow about everything.

I told you, I'm a writer. ;-)

dusty, thanks! I'm actually tied for second this year, but my pitchers, aside from Lackey, are starting to pitch like me.

I don't watch it either. It's not real football!

Utah Savage said...

What Randal said, in his post. This is my new way to comment. Or, if he gets there first I say "what okjimm said," and laugh in your face, Randal. Great piece. Do you really have a job? In getting suspicious. Time to write? With a job and kids and a wife? I don't think so.

Dr. Zaius said...

You fiend!

"In 2003, a nine year old girl in Starke, Florida, Taquandra Diggs, suffered severe burns, allegedly from an exploding jawbreaker."

"A 2004 episode of the Discovery Channel television program MythBusters then demonstrated that heating a jawbreaker in a microwave oven can cause the different layers inside to heat at different rates, yielding an explosive spray of very hot candy when compressed; MythBusters crew members Adam Savage and Christine Chamberlain received light burns after a jawbreaker exploded." wikipedia.org

Utah Savage said...

It's a little late in the day, in both the metaphoric sense, as well as in the literal, but I am here to award you the Barbie on A Half Shell Award. Or as it is actually called the Arte Y Pico award. I'm such a snarky bitch sometimes. But this is for real. I'm sure you've seen it in the best joints in town. Well, buster, now you have your very own. It's at my place along with my comments about you. Yes, I might be spreading rumors about you. Well actually I'm only insinuating rumors. Just try to find me to sue. Muahahaha!

Randal Graves said...

utah, of course I have a job! I never claimed to actually work while on the clock. And trust me, the crap I churn out doesn't take that much time.

dr. zaius, I never, not once, ever had a jawbreaker blow up in my mouth growing up! It's those gosh darn kids!

"Dude, douse it with turpentine man, then set it on fire dude."

"Heh heh, fire, fire! Heh heh!"

utah, as long as they're sexy rumors that give me an air of mystery and suave, urbane worldliness. Don't worry about the suing part, I'd only go after someone with gobs of cash, which is why I feel so free making up shit about everyone.