Tuesday, July 15, 2008


Beat it, Froggy. And take your stinkin' Euro with you.
It's our turn now.

"And zeez Yanks zay wee are zee rude!"

"Uh, you're the president. Sure, it's possible to have a bathroom break, sir."

I don't know what got into that Karl Marx-loving Randal, but we here at Randal's blog would like to apologize to each out-of-touch bourgeois real AMERICAN out there. And what better way to do so than to celebrate one of those most AMERICAN of pastimes, being afraid of actual free speech the smacking of a cowhide sphere with a big wooden stick, then running around on the grass like small children!

I know that in addition to Baseball, I'm supposed to mention


and Apple Pie, but in lieu (damn you, French, get out of AMERICAN!) of such clichés, I'd like to talk about something that's even more AMERICAN than those, in fact, more AMERICAN than nearly everything under God's blue sky save our undying love of the Lord and blowing brown people up.

I talk, of course, of second chances.

Last year, as the Indians were cruising to a major league best 96 wins, pitcher Cliff Lee was dealing with injuries, trouble with his teammates, a stint in the minors, and a career-worst 6.29 ERA. It doesn't get much lower than that for someone who was once a 200-inning staple of a starting rotation. Now that he's healthy and has eliminated the flaws in his delivery, he's tied for the AMERICAN League lead in wins with 12, his 2.31 ERA is second, and he'll be starting tonight's All-Star game in Yankee Stadium.

Another man that has taken full advantage of being given a second chance is Texas Rangers outfielder Josh Hamilton. Once the first overall pick in the 1999 MLB draft, Mr. Hamilton began to waste his God-given talent by becoming addicted to certain substances. He has since gotten clean, all thanks to, in his own words, Sweet Zombie Jesus and is now in the top ten in the AMERICAN League in batting average, runs, home runs, slugging percentage, OPS and leads all of major league baseball in RBIs with a whopping 95.

What lesson can we learn from second chances?

That even if you can't get the job done, everyone hates you and/or you love the booze and coke, you too can someday grow up and do something memorable with your life.

"You can even become dictator preznit of AMERICAN! If you got friends in high places, cheat, a pantywaist opponent, a breezy press corps and a, a, a, Unka Dick, what's another word for stoopid?"

"Grrrr! Cheney want baby flesh!"


okjimm said...

Boy, you sure do your best to confuse a simple man from da Nort Country ... ana at's all I am.... but this seems to go from French, to baseball, ERA(hey, I have always supported the Equal Rights Amendment, really)to Bush&Cheney&McWane&Rove....gees....and I saw that photo of Cliff Lee...Whoa, now I am really confused...I thought Cliff Lee was that Black film maker who hangs out at Knicks games....Wowsers, ya know, I played an All Star game once, in High School....it was a helmet to helmet hit and all I saw was stars for the rest of the game......golly, this is too deep for me....can't we just talk about Trollops and Trumpets and muffins and such?

DivaJood said...

Once again, I am stuck on an obscure element of your post: did anyone not arrest Bush for defacing the American Flag? I mean, he's fucking writing on the flag, and that is defacing the flag. That's a FEDERAL OFFENSE!

I'm focusing on the All-Star Game today, my head hurts.

A Fekkyn Loonatyk said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
A Fekkyn Loonatyk said...

Okay, let's try this again, in English. You had me until the baseball and then I started checking my belly button for lint. But then, I have the attention span of a gnat.

Scarlet W. Blue said...

Macaroni penguins abandon their first borns. I don't think that's right.

Scarlet W. Blue said...

So, if Cheney wants baby flesh, maybe he can take a big bite out of Karl Rove's soft, flabby ass?

Utah Savage said...

You did it again. You have made me laugh and then tuned it all upside down with Cheney needing a bite out of all of us on his way back to hell. I'm hiding cash and sewing it into my clothes for the quick get away to the kinder political climate up north. Hoarding Margaret Attwood and Leonard Cohen to impress the boarder patrol. Think it'll work?

Unconventional Conventionist said...

Gorp. Me want make baby-flesh pie.

Dean Wormer said...

Clicking over to that first link to Forbes I was met with the following quote in an ad:

"An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself." - Albert Camus.

If I had any herb at all in my system that thought would've shut me down for half the day.

Thank goodness that's not the case.

Randal Graves said...

okjimm, that's the trick, throw in a bunch of stuff, sleight of hand, and no one realizes that the post is devoid of substance! Genius.

Lee Harvey, you are a madman!

Hey, trollops and strumpets and crumpets are always on topic.

diva, what's with all you AMERICAN hating moonbats? By adding his signature to the greatest piece of cloth in the history of the world made in China, he increased its value so much than whomever sells it on eBay will make lots of money and that's capitalism and that's AMERICAN.

AFL, English is overrated. AMERICAN is much better. Hey look at that bird!

SWB, I don't know anyone who has ever made a macaroni penguin. Thanksgiving turkeys are the usual suspects, maybe a macaroni Santa Claus.

Ugh, there's the next sequel to Saw.

utah, I like to remind people that beyond the laughter exists pure, unadulterated evil.

I don't know, a DVD of Slapshot might be the safer route.

UC, "Cheney, what's in this blood pudding?"

"Baby's blood. Grrrr."


"See, I knew there was a reason I read that Cam-uss guy. I am so smart, I am so smart. S-M-R-T."

Tom Harper said...

In that final picture Cheney is saying "These Goddamn cheap pacemakers! That's the last time I'm buying them by the 12-pack!"

American Hill BIlly said...

That was funny!!!!!!!!!!!! I remember when that idiot got stuck at the door; you have to wonder who planned that little joke on the idiot in chief.

Booze and coke are fine, but I'll bet you meant nose candy, huh?

This was a good, good post I liked the second chance part.

Peace and Freedom

Christopher said...

Love the picture of the great Barbara Billingsley.

Although I was too young to see her on B&W TV as the mother in whatever the series, she is immortal for her movie role in Airplane, when she said to the flight attendant:

"Excuse me, stewardess, I speak Jive."

Old girl stole the movie! :-)

Mauigirl said...

LOL, Christopher, that was a great line in that movie. I didn't realize that's who played that lady!

Randal, great post as always - and just wanted to let you know, you have received an award over at my place! Come and get it!

Je ne regrette rien said...

fine fucking time I picked to emigrate. Yeesh. (I've been dying to use that yeesh thing and here it is. neato! )

susan said...

The last thing I ever watched on the teevee was the HOME RUN DERBY. The only thing that would convince me to watch it again would be if I knew they were going to use Chimpey&Cheneys heads instead of regulation baseballs.

Mathman6293 said...

Josh Hamilton was something last night wasn't he?

The Cunning Runt said...

Well, you certainly covered a few bases with this one... ;)

...And even if you hadn't, I expect that by this place in the que your discerning readers must have!

Iconic photo picks to illustrate your spot-on point, Sir!

Anita said...

i love the way you weave all the miscellany into SPORTZ. i hate SPORTZ but your posts are a feast.

Liberality said...

whoa dude! my head is spinning. and I second what Anita said--me hates sports usually (mostly) but this post...well, sir, I am speechless, yes, I am without speech.

Randal Graves said...

tom, ha! I'm wondering if they have to do surgery to replace the batteries for his mechanical brain or if they just pop open his skull and slap a 9-volt in there.

AHB, and you know they did. It's akin to seeing certain AP photos where you know the photographer was having some fun.

I'm pro-second chance, except for these plutocratic thugs.

christopher, in a hilarious movie, that might be the most hilarious part of all!

mauigirl, now I want to see that again. An award? They finally have one for most incoherent blogger? Sweet!

JNRR, you picked a very fine time to emigrate. Just think: McCain gets appointed prez, you can laugh from the Champs-Elysée. Yeesh!

susan, oh man, what a phenomenal idea. Dear Commissioner Selig...

mathman, sure, a homerun derby isn't a live game, but man, he really did smack the ball quite often.

TCR, I figure I better post some slimy Chimpy and Cheney pics to offset your beautiful nature shots. I need to buy a damn camera!

anita, is that how you young people are spelling it these days? I have more sportz today! You're welcome!

liberality, do you think you could bottle that lack of speech and give it to all the Republicans? I figure that'll help at least a little come November.