Miss Prunella Vulgaris, The Duchess of Hammer-on-Dulcimer, esteemed member of the Peonage
Juan, The Earl of Valdez, less esteemed member of the Peonage
Captain Single-eye, Sovereign Grand Inspector General of the Island of Heretofore Unaccounted Knavery, relation of Ivar the Boneless, who had both eyes until the day of his decease, unlike his descendant who had only one, as previously mentioned
Dog-bird, hideous laboratory creation and anthropomorphic hench-creature
Alexander Nevsky, part-time Russian folkhero & full-time spectral entity
Benito of the Hamlet, anachronistic blackshirted blackguard
Just Like Che, noted motorcycle enthusiast & muse of hep cats everywhere
Ivan, Russian Bear & camp guard
Wojtek, Polish Bear & prisoner
Lady Herefordshirebroke, The Marquess of Upper Silesia, esteemed member of the Peonage
Noman, background scenery
Master Baytes of Tampa, dread piratical buccaneer
Jack the London, noted Western wildman
Jack the Kerouac, noted Neolithic hipster
Jack the Ripper, noted English arch-slasher
Mysterious Stranger, chapeau'd
Lemmy, noted baritone bassist & collector of blow-em-up baubles
Fryer Bungy, English conjurer & skillet gourmand
The Potato Witches of the Caucasus, pastiche weirdos who know a big secret
Baba Yaga, dancing Slavic sorceress
Otto von Bismarck, the Iron Chancellor, made not of iron but of duh
Aide-de-camp, NPC & Hessian
King Diamond, King Diamond
Hannibal, no-star general & playboy son of a noted Tripolitanian fashion plate
Fadades, Gaulish misanthrope, pretend musician, & sky pie aficionado
Zardoz, freshly served serf who in fact wasn't eaten by Bear but your humble playwright is too lazy to retcon an explanation
Erich Zann, noted viol player, concert master, & lunatic
Zombie Johannes Brahms, famous composer & corpse
Zombie Clara Schumann, famous pianist, keeper of the mad, & corpse
Kid Darkthrone, not-very-noted local misanthrope, reformed
Good King Wenceslas, Duke, not King, of Bohemia
Krampus, legendary dread purloiner of joy & stuff various & valuable not that your playwright still humble is saying that joy isn't valuable only that it's fleeting & you shouldn't get too attached
Michael Buffer, egomaniacal microphone
The Infant of Prague, Our Lord and Savior
The Christmas Goat, Swedish Wicker Man knockoff
Snowpocalypse, noted archfiend
Bear, bait, & lovable ursine scamp
When we last left our intrepid Peonage, well, your humble playwright doesn't remember. It's better to burn witch burn but let's try that fading away gig instead because it's less work. Anyway, a bunch of dread piratical buccaneers, led not by the dreadest, most piratanical buccaneer of the hairy palms, but CAPTAIN SINGLE-EYE himself because someone said he was the supervillain told you I didn't remember, have abducted, no I don't know how, probably magic or some crap, most, if not all, of the characters from past one-acts and brought them to his mysterious island, new and improved with extra knavery.
DUCHESS: Are we fucked?
NEVSKY: Veer are vee?
BENITO (to NEVSKY): Communist!
JUST LIKE CHE (to BENITO): What of it?
IVAN (to no one in particular): Growl.
MARQUESS: [in Polish]
WOJTEK: [growling in Polish]
MASTER BAYTES: Wha?
JACK THE LONDON: Bah?
JACK THE KEROUAC: Bah?
JACK THE RIPPER: Black sheep?
LEMMY: Historically inaccurate.
MYSTERIOUS STRANGER: So this is what it feels like when Lemmys cry.
FRYER BUNGY: Food soothes the savage bassist.
POTATO WITCHES: Tubers!
BABA YAGA: Wait! Where's --
OTTO: -- my Fabergé Potato?
AIDE-DE-CAMP: Where's his Fabergé Potato?
KING DIAMOND (singing): It's for the Peonage, so lay off the doobage!
HANNIBAL: Veni vidi arrivederci!
HANNIBAL exits, gets eaten by a cannibal. See, extra knavery.
FADADES (screeching): SCREECH!
ZARDOZ: Do I have to work?
ERICH ZANN: Tentacles from beyond!
ZOMBIE JOHANNES BRAHMS: Clara, I love --
ZOMBIE CLARA SCHUMANN: -- my brains?
KID DARKTHRONE: Speaking of brains --
WENCESLAS: -- how are we going to get out of this?
KRAMPUS: You aren't! Nor are your children!
MICHAEL BUFFER: Let's get ready to rumble!
INFANT OF PRAGUE: Waaaa!
CHRISTMAS GOAT: Bleat the halls!
SNOWPOCALYPSE: So, what's the deal, Single-eye?
STAGEHAND: Yeah, I still haven't gotten paid for last time.
CASHIER: Don't look at me, this economy's a bitch.
CAPTAIN enters, brandishing a rick derringer.
CAPTAIN: You tell 'em, Dog-bird!
CAPTAIN: Enough of this hoochie koo! All of you! I've got your precious Fabergé Potato, and as for the Krypton Stone, let's just say I had to call in a few favors of the congressional variety. Oh, the Third Thing, oh, that Third Thing, one and two and three makes true universal power you were born to be my baby and I was born to be your man, but since Captain Single-Eye couldn't find it --
DUCHESS: What a diva.
CAPTAIN: I've decided to blow you all, but just you and no one else especially not me, to that third-rate Zeppelin knock-off, Kingdom Come!
EARL: What, no Trixter reference? Who writes this shit?
KID DARKTHRONE: Use your allusion.
DUCHESS: Don't feed the fintroll.
EARL: Ahem. Single-eye, it's Doomsday, Single-eye, the end of the world. Can't you understand? For God's sake, help us!
CAPTAIN: Stay away from me!
EARL: You damned animal!
CAPTAIN: Don't touch that!
DUCHESS: Help us! Help us!
CAPTAIN: You asked me to help you? The Peonage is evil, capable of nothing but destruction!
EARL (confused): What the fuck.
DUCHESS: Shush. He's on a roll. The sooner he's done, the sooner we're outta this off-Broadway train wreck. Um. (leafs through the script) Ah, here we are. You bloody bastard!
KRAMPUS (to CAPTAIN): Fire! Fire!
NEVSKY: Foor Good's sock, eetz the Doomsday bomb, zee end of zee vorld!
KRAMPUS takes gun from CAPTAIN SINGLE-EYE, shoots EARL, whose body falls on the button.
In one of the countless billions of galaxies in the universe lies a medium-sized star. And one of its satellites, a green and insignificant planet, is now dead.
EVERYONE exeunt. Except EARL who is woken by a pinging noise.
EARL (waking): You won't believe the dream I just had. Damn golf balls. Wait.
EARL gets up and looks out the window.
EARL: Oh. Well, this suc --
In one of the countless billions of galaxies in the universe lies a medium-sized star. And one of its satellites, a green and insignificant planet, is now dead. No, really. Go home. Don't forget to stop at our gift shop!