Saturday, June 2, 2012
Miss Prunella Vulgaris, The Duchess of Hammer-on-Dulcimer, esteemed member of the Peonage
Juan, The Earl of Valdez, less esteemed member of the Peonage
King Diamond, King Diamond
Fadades, Gaulish misanthrope, pretend musician, & sky pie aficionado
Kid Darkthrone, not-very-noted local misanthrope, reformed
Bear, bait, & lovable ursine scamp
When we last left our intrepid Peonage, they interstellar overdrove like 'twas Space: 1999. Thus exhausted from both the shark attack & a bad Jules Verne mock pastiche, they would gladly resume their lives of quiet desperation at the Museum of Palimpsest Oddities. Aliens always fuck shit up, ask any abductee.
EARL: Where are we?
DUCHESS: Not Prussia.
KID DARKTHRONE: Not Russia.
EARL: Nor Tunguska.
DUCHESS: That's -- nevermind.
BEAR (pointing): Growl.
EARL: This is like a bad Jules Verne mock pastiche.
DUCHESS: Only real.
FADADES: screech screechscreech screech screech!
EARL: Ja ja ja, mach schnell mit der explanation things, huh? I must get back to Dancecentrum in Stuttgart in time to see Kraftwerk.
DUCHESS: This is your brain on zero gravity.
KID DARKTHRONE: I've an idea.
KID DARKTHRONE whispers to BEAR. BEAR turns to FADADES.
BEAR (with menace): Growl.
The spaceship crashes near where it first blasted to the stars.
FADADES: screech screech screechscreech screech!
DUCHESS: Okay, now this is just lazy writing -- hey!
EARL: I can't move!
KID DARKTHRONE: Me either!
DUCHESS: Oh no! Pyramid power!
KING DIAMOND enters.
KING DIAMOND (singing): Osiris! Anubis!
FADADES (flabbergasted, like hearing Cold Lake for the first time): screech!
FADADES exits, running off into the desert, probably to pass out from screaming in abject horror then get eaten by a camel but since your humble playwright has no plans to bring him back, who cares.
DUCHESS: King Diamond! What are you doing here?
KING DIAMOND (still singing): Lady, gentlemen, & ursine tragic,
the most fantastical, blackest magic
from darkest depths was bestowed upon me
by the metal gods! The ability
to know the most silly of vocal traits;
heed Fadades well, headbangers, do not wait!
A clumsy attempt to save all of you,
why he attacked Hannibal's ship, 'tis true.
You know the legend of the Krypton Stone --
but where it lie, this modern Croatoan?
Beware! The Gaul's no villain of the piece,
but a fool, a poorly-chosen lackey!
In desperation doth wrathfully groan
the grim shadow behind his comic throne --
this, your heaviest metal advantage!
EARL: Who do we look like, the Avengers?
DUCHESS: A bad Marlowe mock pastiche.
KING DIAMOND (yes, still): Kid, whilst I recover from heart surgery,
I dub thee caretaker of metal, temporarily!
KID DARKTHRONE: Golly gee, Mr. Diamond, that's swell!
DUCHESS: How sweet.
DUCHESS: Back to work on time?
EARL: Got nothing better to do.
KING DIAMOND & KID DARKTHRONE board the former's viking longship, sailing down the Nile into the sunset, BEAR returns to Poland to devour any rowdy fans at Euro, & DUCHESS & EARL considered beginning to contemplate the next one-act but what can a Dr. Doomish cat really do in three months' time? There's no cat.