Saturday, June 2, 2012

Who d'king, Part II, a play in three-quarters act

Miss Prunella Vulgaris, The Duchess of Hammer-on-Dulcimer, esteemed member of the Peonage
Juan, The Earl of Valdez, less esteemed member of the Peonage
King Diamond, King Diamond
Fadades, Gaulish misanthrope, pretend musician, & sky pie aficionado  
Kid Darkthrone, not-very-noted local misanthrope, reformed
Bear, bait, & lovable ursine scamp

When we last left our intrepid Peonage, they interstellar overdrove like 'twas Space: 1999. Thus exhausted from both the shark attack & a bad Jules Verne mock pastiche, they would gladly resume their lives of quiet desperation at the Museum of Palimpsest Oddities. Aliens always fuck shit up, ask any abductee.

EARL: Where are we?

DUCHESS: Not Prussia.


EARL: Nor Tunguska.

DUCHESS: That's -- nevermind.

BEAR (pointing): Growl.

EARL: This is like a bad Jules Verne mock pastiche.

DUCHESS: Only real.

FADADES enters.

FADADES: screech screechscreech screech screech!

EARL: Ja ja ja, mach schnell mit der explanation things, huh? I must get back to Dancecentrum in Stuttgart in time to see Kraftwerk.

DUCHESS: This is your brain on zero gravity.

KID DARKTHRONE: I've an idea.


BEAR (with menace): Growl.

The spaceship crashes near where it first blasted to the stars.

FADADES: screech screech screechscreech screech!

DUCHESS: Okay, now this is just lazy writing -- hey!

EARL: I can't move!


BEAR: Growl!

DUCHESS: Oh no! Pyramid power!


KING DIAMOND (singing): Osiris! Anubis!

FADADES (flabbergasted, like hearing Cold Lake for the first time): screech!

FADADES exits, running off into the desert, probably to pass out from screaming in abject horror then get eaten by a camel but since your humble playwright has no plans to bring him back, who cares.

DUCHESS: King Diamond! What are you doing here?

KING DIAMOND (still singing): Lady, gentlemen, & ursine tragic,
the most fantastical, blackest magic
from darkest depths was bestowed upon me
by the metal gods! The ability
to know the most silly of vocal traits;
heed Fadades well, headbangers, do not wait!
A clumsy attempt to save all of you,
why he attacked Hannibal's ship, 'tis true.
You know the legend of the Krypton Stone --
but where it lie, this modern Croatoan?
Beware! The Gaul's no villain of the piece,
but a fool, a poorly-chosen lackey!
In desperation doth wrathfully groan
the grim shadow behind his comic throne --
this, your heaviest metal advantage!

EARL: Who do we look like, the Avengers?

DUCHESS: A bad Marlowe mock pastiche.

KING DIAMOND (yes, still): Kid, whilst I recover from heart surgery,
I dub thee caretaker of metal, temporarily!

KID DARKTHRONE: Golly gee, Mr. Diamond, that's swell!

DUCHESS: How sweet.

EARL: Sniff.

DUCHESS: Back to work on time?

EARL: Got nothing better to do.

KING DIAMOND & KID DARKTHRONE board the former's viking longship, sailing down the Nile into the sunset, BEAR returns to Poland to devour any rowdy fans at Euro, & DUCHESS & EARL considered beginning to contemplate the next one-act but what can a Dr. Doomish cat really do in three months' time? There's no cat.



Life As I Know It Now said...

I am starting to get worried when I can somehow make sense of these blog posts of yours.

Is heavy metal in good hands?

Beach Bum said...

EARL: Who do we look like, the Avengers?

Totally freaked me out learning the Avengers was a Disney flick. I bet the Mouse is buying up all the Kryptonite it can from Niger and in secret negotiations with the Joker.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...


All your fault, R.G. Now how do I unsee and unhear this?

Randal Graves said...

life, dammit, I need to be more obscurantist.

Every day, some punk ass kid is hearing Maiden for the first time & I scowl less.

BB, I think the last superhero flick I saw was one of the Spidermans. The Donner Superman is still the finest, but Zod does, obviously, rule.

if, like heroin, you only want more.

Demeur said...

I wish to be a member in your upcoming play. Playing the part of Nauzeous. Not to be confused with his cousin Nauzeated.

Wacha think?

susan said...

I'm not sure how you're going to top King Diamond's song in your next one act opus.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

R.G. is right, but so wrong.

Also amusing: the sidebar suggestions.

Prunella Vulgaris said...

I am so glad you brought Fadades to the masses.

Jim H. said...

It's just ol' dyslexic me again: but I couldn't figure out what Neil Diamond was doing in this little set piece.

And I'm thinking: are you making some sort of analogy like: Fadades is the Neil Diamond of Black Metal?

Or something.

Freida Bee said...

I always love it when you get meta. DUCHESS: Okay, now this is just lazy writing -- hey! Did I come back here just in time to catch the next one of these? Oh, fair-weathered summer staycation.

Can you do... Legend of the Codpiece, featuring Cleopatra, Queen of Rome.