Of course I'm going to bring up that once upon a time we didn't suck.
Exhibit A: lost 4 of their last 6, by counts of 39-27, 48-20, 35-14, and 47-7.
Exhibit B: lost their last three, two of them at home.
Exhibit A is the 2008 Cardinals, coming within a Roethlisberger bullseye or a The Fucking Harrison pick-sixer [reader's choice] of hoisting a shiny thing. Exhibit B is the the 2009 Saints before they hoisted a shiny thing. Momentum, like running to set up the pass, is as worthless as Joe Morgan's brain. Have more talent than the other chumps, don't turf the ball, and roll eight the hard way. 'tis a simple game.
The Fucking Bengals @ Planet Hooston: Cincinnati's won 7 of 8 whilst the
Oilers Texans [damn, I miss Tecmo Super Bowl run n' shoot Warren Moon] have resembled the Browns of late, current, and early, but since that means Jack Frost Giant, pay attention, it comes down to a game of whom do you trust, Doolin' Dalton or the death-spiraling Matt Schaub? I'll take door number three, Monty. Hey, J.J. Watt! Texans 24-17.
Adrian Peterson @ Green Bay: Repeat after me, to the tune of Lollipop Guild ♪ this is a quarterback's league ♫ and ponder that it's up to Ponder. If he had had one of his trademark 15-of-33 clusterfucks, Lovie Smith would still have a job. The truly transcendent aside, running backs are a dime a baker's dozen, Yo! Adrian's the former, but Christian's still gotta keep the apostasy on the back crucifix. Ain't gonna. Packers 31-24.
Night Moves @ The Fucking Ravens: Chuck Pagano giving leukemia the bird notwithstanding, a pox upon both these blights upon a sporting reality that never existed. Andrew Luck's good but, like his team, lucky, and as of this moment, not as impressive as Russell Wilson, see below. Lest ye think I come not to praise but bury Indy after dragging its corpse up and down the boulevard, six out of the last seven playoff teams that were outscored by 30 or more in the regular season won their first game, and the one that didn't was playing one of the other six, i.e. because why not march behind completely baseless trends involving laundry from decades ago. Furthermore, half of Baltimore's defense is torn and frayed, but because Harbaugh the Elder ought to be smart enough to ignore all this Yay! Quarterback shit and run Ray Rice 45 times against the sieve that gave up a century mark to Peyton Hillis, Ravens 27-17.
Seattle @ Washington: Russell Wilson. Caveat the first: none of these are adjusted for era. Thus, Dan Marino doesn't get the benefit of the 7,963 rule changes since yesterday to assist the offense and would still own his once-sick marks. Caveat the second: RGIII is a man among men, but tossing against the styrofoam of the NFC East isn't quite the iron gauntlet Our Man Flint had to deal with. That and a corner tandem that harkens back to a certain pair of Browns, the choice is sorta clear, even if their twee threads make me wish I was blind. Seahawks 23-16.