Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Whatever it is, I'm against it

"What's today, my fine fellow?"
"Today, why, Christmas Customer Service Training day!"

IT isn't enough, IT is never enough, goshdarnIT, to be powerpointillist assessed by our social betters through two, yes, two, separately different yet equally facilitating 120-minute empowering opportunities strategically placed at the culmination of the 24-hour employment cycle.

Let's walk it back a moment: how can one possibly assess the ultimate incentivized goal of exceptionally excellent resource quality gifted through the paradigm of assessing self-assessment sans preliminary pre-assessment?

Mind, boggle no more.

Lo, behold & hark! (ed. note: the following battery of percentage choices accompanied each pre-self-assessment statement but for the sake of blog cleanliness [right there next to Cthulhuliness], you only get one, though with a second, I bet I could repurpose my Demonstrate good times come on from 35% to 36%, thus vitalizing a whole other deliverable of rightsized reader appreciation. Thank the Old Ones that I work in the public, not private, sector or my healthy disdain for not-by-choice a-man's-gotta-eat face-to-face human-management interaction might have resulted in these cheap sneakers being lost post-downsize in a pile of shell casings ash. I'm a pyromaniac, not a fighter.)

1 - I hardly ever demonstrate - less than 5% of the time
2 - Demonstrate 6% - 20% of the time
3 - Demonstrate 21% - 35% of the time
4 - Demonstrate 36% - 55% of the time
5 - Demonstrate 56% - 70% of the time
6 - Demonstrate 71% - 85 % the time
7 - Demonstrate 86% - 95% of the time
8 - Almost always demonstrate - 95% - 100% of the time

I consistently show positive non-verbal communication such as make eye contact, smile, show open stance, do not treat customers as an interruption.

I thank the customer at the end of every interaction.

I remain calm under pressure and during difficult situations.

I restate to clarify situation(s) (e.g., Mr. Customer, are you saying that the payment for this fee isn't showing as credited?).

I manage difficult situations with ease (e.g., angry customers).

I project professionalism through appropriate presentation (dress, hair) and neat/clean work area.

I treat co-workers with the same (if not better) courtesy and professionalism as external customers.

I have excellent phone skills (answer within 3 rings, identify self and area, smile, pleasant tone, etc.).

I build rapport through excellent communication skills and timely follow up (e.g., tailor style to situation, overcome barriers, follow up within 48 hours, etc.). 

Sounds like we work in a high-class brothel. We don't, but if we ever add such a supplementary revenue stream to our operations in light of the austerity movement within state & federal government, you'll be the first to know.

Comments, questions?

Thank you now I feel like Ozzy I love you all.


Jack Crow said...

I spent a number of years working retail end for a large petroleum concern. We never had any of these stupid surveys. I don't know if that has import, but I'm glad I never had to distribute to and collect from staff.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

My corporation distributes visionary propaganda from its founder, along with various other works of "serve the company" variety.

La Belette Rouge said...

The reason I am a professional with a graduate degree is a HORRIBLE job in a high-end retail store. I admire people who can work retail with a good attitude. In my best therapeutic empathy I often acknowledge the challenges of retail work when I interact with retail workers. It is my way of saying, "I know you're pain"( Imagine that said in Bill Clinton voice".

Randal Graves said...

jack, retail employees, not generals, CIA spooks and popes, are the truly deserving of a Pretzeldential Medal of Freedom.

if, visionary? They give you guys surveys *and* LSD?

LBR, I guess a good portion of this job is akin to retail, but unlike those poor shlubs, we won't get canned for not smiling, merely herded into another customer service training session.

okjimm said...

Customers don't know shit..... and if they ever asked me a question, why, golly, I WOULD tell them so! But I WOULD smile. just sayin'

David Barber said...

That's why I'm self employed. I have one person to answer to, and that's m.........the wife!!!! Ha!

Demeur said...

That's it! Now look what you've done. You've just given light to your Socialist Communist organization. You can now expect its' takeover and privatization either by years end or at the very latest early next year.

Tom Harper said...

I smile at every customer, answer every question with Sir or Ma'am, and I always thank the customer no matter how humiliating the transaction was. If he/she was abusive, I say "thank you Sir, may I have another?"

Actually, no. I think your namesake in the Clerks video has the right idea.

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

Does this mean you are the Maitre d'Famous Rays? Motto: "Service with someone else's Smile!" or "Read these lips!"



Liberality said...

Golly, I have to give these types of evals each year. Have had to do it since I've been working this gig in the library. Don't like it at all but I do it.

susan said...

Damn! paid a pittance and self flagellation is expected too? I quit. What? You don't care? There are 12 like me waiting for this opportunity to grovel? Give me the papers. sniff

S.W. Anderson said...

I looked in vain for the statement, "Whenever forced to deal with the SOB's, I pre-empt difficult customer-relations situations by channeling, first, Louie (Taxi), and if that doesn't work, Freddy Kreuger (A Nightmare on Elm Street)."

Randal Graves said...

okjimm, nothing wrong with telling someone they're full of shit & it's even possible to tell them so sans telling them they're full of shit.

david, verily, I nelsonmuntz thee!

demeur, everything else is privatized, why not do the same to college libraries.

tom, as annoying as the patrons are - a good portion admittedly coming from my natural disdain for other humans - management is more annoying. Patrons don't demand I attend such wastes of time.

tengrain, no new corpses! Aged, like a fine wine. Try the vintage dessication from 1902.

liberality, oh, so you're part of management? That's it, you just made my Nixon's list.

susan, funny you should comment thus, the university pretzeldent just put a freeze on all jobs currently in the process of being filled. Thanks for your interview, now fuck off.

SWA, Freddy's a smartmouthed SOB, but I would probably call on Michael Myers instead.

Ethan said...

Randal, I somehow missed this until just now, but holy shit. That's all I got to say.

sunshine said...

Sigh... I loved those Clerks movies... ;p


Dr. Zaius said...

I agree - customer service would be a lot easier without all of those pesky customers. ;o)