Not me, those guys.
After wrestling -- figuratively 'cause I don't have any ostentatious Mexican threads -- with demons -- literally, they were scaly & red & had nasty pointy bitey teeth -- here's some crap about sports. Next time, whenever that is,
Atlantic: Boston may be on Medicare but seniors always get out the vote, the Nets are pieces-parting from the victims of Russian gangsters, New York
Central: Karma, like 99.9% of everything, is a crock, but Traitor Carlos appears to be stricken, thus, vagabond, I nelsonmuntz thee. If the Aussie's elbow is de-lecterized, if Collison's too legit to wear parachute pants, if Detroit time machines Isaiah (the player with the kung-fu grip, not the upper management edition) & that leaves guess who, slowpoke. Woe to you oh Earth and Sea for the Devil sends the beast with wrath because he knows the time is short. Let him who have understanding reckon the number of the beast, for it is a human number, its number is six.
Southeast: Two alpha dogs & a bench so thin not even Jesus would deign to appear on this flatbread. Bonne chance, South Beach. Easier to choose the Mickey Mousers if Dwight the Acolyte decided to play with a Herodian chip. Max to Joe Johnson? America's worst sporting town deserves no less. The second Charlotte traded their mustachioed mascot so long ago, they angered the basketball gods. As for the nation's swamp, at least John Wall will entertain even Marvin Hamlisch with all those no-looks, speedy runs & buckets o' turnovers.
Southwest: Count out Riverwalk, I dare you. Count out Mark Cuban's billion-dollar t-shirts, I double dog dare you. Count out Rudy T's championship heart ripped out of the city's mythic chest, its beautiful gore shown to passers-by, I triple dog dare you. Count on the Hornets to drown under Chris Paul's toxic trade demands. Count on Memphis to be a cheap source of losses & fantasy stats, van, too, tree blocked shots, aha ha ha.
Northwest: Oklahoma City how much swing does your swingin' burg swing to sign long-term? Bill Walton's weed, mellow out, for did not Zydrunas Ilgauskas once upon a time suffer the Big Man's Curse? Magical Underpants Land, will you please trade/release/assassinate Mehmet Okur so Paul Millsap (got him in my keeper league) can stay a 40-minute man for all eighty-two? Denver, will you please trade Carmelo to the Knicks already because I'm sure that poor town is pained from the The Fucking Yankees getting their ass kicked? Minnesota's still in the league?
Pacific: The Fucking Lakers remain the top squadron which makes me want to vomit in terror, the Suns remain powered by the Canuck's Samsonesque moptop, the Clippers remain under The Donald's capitalist black magic, the Kings remain candidates to move & the Warriors remain remains.
Eastern playoff teams: Orlando, Miami, Boston, Chicago, Milwaukee, Atlanta, New York & Your Cleveland Cavaliers.
Western playoff teams: The Fucking Lakers, Oklahoma City, San Antonio, Dallas, Utah, Portland, Phoenix, Houston.
NBA Finals: The Fucking Lakers over Miami. It's a Cavs fan's dream. Add in a case of gangrene & dental surgery sans anesthesia & it's my best day ever.