Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated


Not me, those guys.

After wrestling -- figuratively 'cause I don't have any ostentatious Mexican threads -- with demons -- literally, they were scaly & red & had nasty pointy bitey teeth -- here's some crap about sports. Next time, whenever that is, politics ha ha I'm kidding fuck that soul-crushing con game Olaf, metal.

Atlantic: Boston may be on Medicare but seniors always get out the vote, the Nets are pieces-parting from the victims of Russian gangsters, New York even especially with Amare (Amar'e, AmarE, Amare III Esq.) will play D as well as X, Y, Z or last year's Knicks, Philly's in the throes of recombobulating and Toronto is in Canada.

Central: Karma, like 99.9% of everything, is a crock, but Traitor Carlos appears to be stricken, thus, vagabond, I nelsonmuntz thee. If the Aussie's elbow is de-lecterized, if Collison's too legit to wear parachute pants, if Detroit time machines Isaiah (the player with the kung-fu grip, not the upper management edition) & that leaves guess who, slowpoke. Woe to you oh Earth and Sea for the Devil sends the beast with wrath because he knows the time is short. Let him who have understanding reckon the number of the beast, for it is a human number, its number is six.

Southeast: Two alpha dogs & a bench so thin not even Jesus would deign to appear on this flatbread. Bonne chance, South Beach. Easier to choose the Mickey Mousers if Dwight the Acolyte decided to play with a Herodian chip. Max to Joe Johnson? America's worst sporting town deserves no less. The second Charlotte traded their mustachioed mascot so long ago, they angered the basketball gods. As for the nation's swamp, at least John Wall will entertain even Marvin Hamlisch with all those no-looks, speedy runs & buckets o' turnovers.

Southwest: Count out Riverwalk, I dare you. Count out Mark Cuban's billion-dollar t-shirts, I double dog dare you. Count out Rudy T's championship heart ripped out of the city's mythic chest, its beautiful gore shown to passers-by, I triple dog dare you. Count on the Hornets to drown under Chris Paul's toxic trade demands. Count on Memphis to be a cheap source of losses & fantasy stats, van, too, tree blocked shots, aha ha ha.

Northwest: Oklahoma City how much swing does your swingin' burg swing to sign long-term? Bill Walton's weed, mellow out, for did not Zydrunas Ilgauskas once upon a time suffer the Big Man's Curse? Magical Underpants Land, will you please trade/release/assassinate Mehmet Okur so Paul Millsap (got him in my keeper league) can stay a 40-minute man for all eighty-two? Denver, will you please trade Carmelo to the Knicks already because I'm sure that poor town is pained from the The Fucking Yankees getting their ass kicked? Minnesota's still in the league?

Pacific: The Fucking Lakers remain the top squadron which makes me want to vomit in terror, the Suns remain powered by the Canuck's Samsonesque moptop, the Clippers remain under The Donald's capitalist black magic, the Kings remain candidates to move & the Warriors remain remains.

Eastern playoff teams: Orlando, Miami, Boston, Chicago, Milwaukee, Atlanta, New York & Your Cleveland Cavaliers.

Western playoff teams: The Fucking Lakers, Oklahoma City, San Antonio, Dallas, Utah, Portland, Phoenix, Houston.

NBA Finals: The Fucking Lakers over Miami. It's a Cavs fan's dream. Add in a case of gangrene & dental surgery sans anesthesia & it's my best day ever.


Charles F. Oxtrot said...

Mr Clemens, I am pleased you live yet.

Here comes a fork in the river, Cap'n. What's that phrase again?

Sherry Peyton said...

Did you know that weird violates the i before e except after c? I guess that's why they called it weird.

Ethan said...

Glad to see you back, although this secret code you're spewing makes me suspicious. What any of this means is beyond me.

sunshine said...

Oh yay! A basketball post. I've missed those. ;p

What's this about you wrestling with demons!??? I don't recall any wrestling matches that I had in the last week.
Okay so... not funny! I know. My brain is fried on chocolate though and my edge is gone.
Forgive me??

I hope that all is well my darling. Missed you tons!


sunshine said...

Oh, and if you can stomach Howie Mandel and David Copperfield....


Randal Graves said...

charles, not offering a helping hand to drowning Congressional idiots? No, that was merely a lovely dream.

sherry, that's weird.

ethan, if you lost your decoder ring, you can order a replacement for $29.95, please allow 6 to 8 weeks for delivery.

sunshine, I know your brain is fried, for you missed my semi-subtle dig against your native land.

I cannot, so begone with your devious youtubery!

sunshine said...

Oh I saw it you bastard. I just figured you'd been through enough. :)
See, I can be sweet.
And that's the link to the Doug Henning Walk of Fame thinking... dickwad.


sunshine said...

*thinking* should be *thingy*

sunshine said...

and *dickwad* should be ... errrmmm.. just left dickwad. :)

Demeur said...

Just wondering with the loss of revenue in other sports when we'll be seeing the Afro-Chinese league. Players paid a dollar a basket, fifty cent bonus for a slam dunk.

susan said...

I wondered at first if I might be reading the communication of a Randal impostor but this grandiloquent narrative of sport has given the game away. You could be no one but you.

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

You disappear for over a week, offer no explanation, and then dribble some basketball talk to us. I can only assume this means:

1. You got away with it, whatever it was.
2. You didn't get away with it, whatever it was.
3. Whatever it was, it involved a hang glider, underaged hookers, and the Bermuda Triangle.
4. Cuyahoga County has a lousey jail.
5. Cocktails went happy-hour priced for a week at Famous Ray's.
6. All of the above, sly dog, but I'm only guessing.



okjimm said...

ya, what tengrain said. reiteration saves me from thinking.

Tom Harper said...

Glad to see the rumors were false. So you weren't really kidnapped and indoctrinated by the Army of God.

Hurry up with that metal post.

Liberality said...

DUDE! Karma does work! Just you wait and see ;~)

MRMacrum said...

Good to see you making plans.

Lisa said...

Yeah, but what do you want LeBron to DO?

Cormac Brown said...

Hmmmm...you disappear off the Internets for some days, and The Browns all of a sudden know The Saints' playbook better than they know it themselves. Coincidence? I think not.

Beach Bum said...

Your talking about basketball when the rednecks down here are still in orgasm over the University of South Carolina beating Alabama.

But as far as basketball up in Charlotte is concerned rumors are circulating MJ ain't happy with attendance. If its true and what that means is anyone's guess but I'd hate to see yet another team leave.

S.W. Anderson said...

Randal, just moments before discovering you were back, I found out where you've been. I don't know if you were an organizer or participant, but your disappearance surely had something to do with 'Zombies' invade NYC during morning rush-hour.

Chef Cthulhu said...

I guessed King James' first loss off the season would bring you out of hiding.

And that is the first time I've paid attention to basketball before the post-season in a long time.

Glad you're back.

Freida Bee, MD said...

Despite your trying to push all away with this sports post, here we are still loving you and saying wtf, dude. You're our crack, sports o no.

sunshine said...

Did you like the ring ceremony last night??? :p

Randal Graves said...

sunshine, thingys and dickwads? Are all you Canucks such deviants?

demeur, with a labor dispute looming, don't give Stern any ideas.

susan, my theory is that everyone likes sports as much as I, thus, this post.

tengrain, number seven.

okjimm, brains is overrationed.

tom, gimme a sec to integrate it within a timely essay of much import, thereby increasing the odds that those outside of you will actually listen to more than 3.8 seconds worth, the heathens.

liberality, it does? In my defense, I offer Exhibit A, the history of human civilization. I win. :)

mrmacrum, as long as they're open-ended, that way I can't be held accountable.

lisa, I'm assuming that's in reference to his new ad? I haven't seen it, though I hear the local newsies dissected the thing. He's gone, fellow NEOs, root root root for the Ramon Sessions.

cormac, I'm afraid I must Sgt. Schultz now.

BB, that's more of a college area, but, and correct me if I'm wrong, wasn't attendance pretty good for a bit during the old Alonzo Mourning Hornets days? At least until right before Shinn moved 'em.

SWA, now how could I have been there if I was busy infiltrating the Saints' film sessions?

chef, ain't that typical, the casual fans pay attention *after* the clown leaves Cleveland. The sports gods need a good Ragnarok.

FB, I've always wondered what it would be like to be an illegal substance.

sunshine, I wanted to watch it, but I was busy praying to Doug Henning for salvation.

La Belette Rouge said...

You're back!! Just Monday night He-weasel was telling me how well the Browns were doing and for once I really cared. Truly. SO happy you are back.

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