Friday, September 9, 2011

Never look a gift bookdrop in the mouth

Oh, so many bound repositories of knowledge both useless & useless to check in, if only Calgon could take me away -- wait! what booke I must needs read!























I hate when the bodies in the cellar leave the light on.
























Dear Diary, Edward is so dreamy, and he's a Baron!
























Scraping the bottom of the barrel leaves scratchy.
























You can't stop scoff, you can only hope to contain it.

Man, that stuff's worse than nineleven.

12 comments:

thatgirl said...

I think this post needs a Coworkers of the World United tag, because after all, we women are going to Win The Future for Peace and Marxist Paradise through Terrible Prose and Pretentious Ivory Tower Discourse. Everything's our fault, but unlike you MEN, we're going to fix it.

uh, yeah.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Shirley a pirate ship is about to appear on the horizon?
~

Randal Graves said...

thatgirl, there, happy? Now, strumpet, go fix me a sandwich, I'm busy propping up de-individualized hegemonic masculinities.

if, I don't know, & don't call me Shirley.

Landru said...

Wait, you're telling me people actually make money writing shit like this?

That's more fucking depressing than Sexy Rexy being my team's quarterback. That's more fucking depressing than me drafting Reggie Wayne two days before Fetushead's neck AIDS surgery. That's more fucking depressing than reading my best friend's black-clad pometry blog every fucking day.

I'm going to go wade into some floodwaters now. I'm not dirty enough.

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

So these "books" of which you speak are sort of like analog blog posts on dead trees? What will they think of next?

Regards,

Tengrain

S.W. Anderson said...

The author tries to convey hotness of body by invoking mental images of "slopes and angles." Because drafting class was so erotic?

Maybe foot fetishists got a thrill from the reference to "intricately patterned black pumps," though.

Oy!

Jim H. said...

Thanks, man. I've been sweating re: how to kickstart the opening of my new novel. Some great ideas here.

"In the dead of night, darkness closed in..." [um, okay, I'm hooked.] "...while a musky odor assailed her nostrils." [Appeal to the senses.]

"declaration so angrily delivered...held more sincerity than most perp's." [Grammatical creativity.]

I think I'm in love with Honor; I hope it's nothing bad. [Create immediate sympathy with protagonist]

"barely managed to contain his scoff." [What? his zipper broke?]

"...the fallback in EVERY situation for MOST suspects." [Clarity. Specificity.]

Leaves me speechless.

BTW: RUGBY! Go Eagles! (not Philly)

Karl Franz Ochstradt said...

higher brows = lower revenues

lower that supra-orbital torus if you want some greenbacks... if you can manage writing that way... there must be some sort of formula... bad syntax + clumsy-cloying modifiers + 1 cliche per paragraph = pulp profit!

susan said...

Okay, I squinted and found: 'She reached for her door handle of her yellow Thunderbird. A sweaty hand clamped over her mouth. The taste of salt gagged her as a large body flattened her against her vehicle'.... and on and on it seems.

Did someone lock you in the library basement with the light on? I think I would have broken the bulb.

Demeur said...

At least this stuff should keep you warm at the burn barrel this winter. Quick how many BTUs per page?

Randal Graves said...

landru, have you thought about channeling your rage into a tale of high adventures featuring a grim battle between two warriors vying for the heart of a faraway coach, don't forgot to toss in some crap about honor and also a few scantily clad witches or something? You'll be wiping filthy aqua off with crisp hundred-dollar bills in no time.

tengrain, you should try this, what do they call it, iced cream.

SWA, if so, the author didn't attend my high school where the drafting class was taught by an old lanky gentleman we affectionately (not really) named Coffin Corpse.

jim, that's not a scoff in my pocket, I'm just happy to see you.

Ah, that. Is that even televised? I remember years ago watching Aussie Rules at 4am when ESPN was starving for programming.

karl of the österrich, I see someone's unable to contain his scoff!

susan, I've been trying to improve my writing, & having failed at that, am considering giving karl's idea a go.

Oh, there's no bulb, we just burn the fat of those who've refused to pay their fines.

demeur, given that this was a thin sampler, I'm afraid we'd be Jack Nicholsoned à la The Shining.

Jim H. said...

NBC's Universal Sports is carrying a bunch of it, mostly time delayed since the US games are like at 2 am and 4. It's 245 on my crappy cable. I'm surprised we even get it.