Thursday, September 8, 2011

Playoffs? I just hope we can weather a snark-free morning!

In the 9/8th percentile of prestidigitarianism for the 5th consecutive year!

I'm grumpy, so piss off, but not until after you read the follow claptrap.

AFC East: Forget Foot Fetish Rex, especially since we all have at least one. Lost in The Outcoaching were fourteen sabermetrically-impressive wins whilst retooling, you tool. Ochocinco? Relax, yo. Don't sleep on Miami even though Murka's Second Worst Sports Town will. Zombie Lou's so flummoxed, they're killing him.

AFC North: Who do you think. As for the other annoying band of fucking loudmouths, Lee Evans won't overcome the loss of Kelly Gregg. Sure, we suck (the matchup blessing of the two worst divisions in football won't be heavenly enough), but not as bad as Mike Brown & The Cheapskates, playing all your favorites, now through January.

AFC South: As Manning goes, so go the Colts, I hope Indianapolis appreciates how they didn't have to watch Ty Detmer, Tim Couch, Doug Pederson, Kelly Holcomb, Jeff Garcia, Luke McCown, Trent Dilfer, Charlie Frye, Derek Anderson, Brady Quinn, Ken Dorsey, Bruce Gradkowski, Jake Delhomme, & Seneca Wallace for the last decade plus. Team Blackout is a mess & the Titans are going to run Chris Johnson into a coffin. Congratulations, Planet Hoo-ston, you win by the two greatest words in the English language.

AFC West: Dear San Diego, stop wasting your talent. Some of us don't have talent to waste. Hate, Randal. Chiefs? Regression to the mean. Raiders? They're mean, assuming Darren McFadden doesn't regress to the injury. Denver's not as much a mess as many messrs. think, which is why I longed for Saint Tim to be crowned because I could use a 17-week happy.

NFC East: Re: Philly. See Chuck D & a creaky O-line. No way Son of Archie, Jr. not-so-secret Santas twenty-five gifts again. Hakeem Nicks & Mario Manningham go nuclear but kill their their defensive backfield in the blast. Dallas is a chic pick. If they had cloned noted destroyer DeMarcus Ware, I'd be more chic than this cartoon monocle. Did you know DC has a professional football team?

NFC North: Small town Green Bay is real good. Oxidized town Matt Stafford is almost good (Suh is Duh). Berserker town Donovan McNabb fears the sky falling on the roof kaboom. Machine town Jay Cutler fears getting Turkey Jones'd.

NFC South: Shaun Rogers is almost as big as Drew Brees. Julio Jones ain't Randy Moss. Poor Bucs, a legit, exciting squad of young daredevils, & no one gives a shit. Poor Panthers. No, that's it.

NFC West: What a shit ass collection of septic tank effluvia. St. Louis has a QB, Arizona might, the others don't. Almost done, yay.

AFC playoff seeds: New England, The Fucking Steelers, San Diego, Houston, The Fucking Ravens, The Fucking Jets. One of these certainly won't.

NFC playoff seeds: Green Bay, New Orleans, Philadelphia, St. Louis, Atlanta, The Fucking Giants, Detroit, since the former just lost their nickel dime JFK 50-cent piece back to a torn ACL.

Super Bowl: Green Bay over New England. I guess.

My disappointing Browns: 6 wins, 1 broken Colt (no, ours), 1 arrest, 17 Greg Little dropsies.


BDR said...

Heh! acknowledged.

Landru said...

We really can't help knowing it unless we hide under a lead blanket. However, we are also told that we will Shock The World.

Also: I drafted your Colt as my backup QB in two leagues. And your defense in one, just for funsies. And to piss off that league's token Brownies fan. I'm just a dick that way.

Peace and fuck steel.

Demeur said...

I have little hope for the Seapigs this year. A green QB that everybody seems to be able to read like an open book along with injuries.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Did you know DC has a professional football team?

I think their plan for this year is to get the first pick in the draft.

okjimm said...

Tailgating for tonight's GB game has already started. My prediction is there will not be a sober GB fan in Eastern Wisco by 2pm

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

A little poem for you to recite when Clevelandistan starts to play:

Let's give Jesus Christ the football

Let him even up the score

Let him run it through the crossbars

Half of which he's seen before.

I suggest you go to the locker room dressed as a priest, and we know you have those threads, man.



Randal Graves said...

BDR, hold on for three more picks, then the John Beck era dawns!

landru, I like Colt, especially since Shurmer High's not a dolt, hey that rhymes. I don't like Steinbach out the year, but each season there's a surprise team, and since the NFC West and AFC South are collectively putrescent, I wish I would drink so early.

demeur, not even Beast Mode can save you guys. 7 wins might be enough again, but not 4.

if, if so, Luck ain't.

okjimm, by 2pm? You guys are getting soft in your old age.

tengrain, doesn't every rarely happily married couple play Sexy Religion from time to time?

Jim H. said...

With the REAL footballing World Cup about to kick off, we get this? ESPN's been wall-to-wall helmetball for weeks now, even as hardball's winding up to its glorious October. Gack. I can watch a game, about 20-25 minutes of action (maybe) squeezed into a three hour time slot, occasionally. And a whole shitload of standing around trying to figure out what to do next. Oh, and fuck the Saints; it's FALCONS all the way this year, babeee! They could go all the way, so saith the Swami.

S.W. Anderson said...

Ah, it's that time again. And instead of being elated, you're grumpy. This vicarious relationship you have with team sports isn't healthy, Randal. Maybe you should cast aside the players, games, hype and commercials, and concentrate instead on tailgate partying, freestyle beer drinking and the other peripheral accoutrements.

Tom Harper said...

I don't follow football, but I'm looking forward to tonight's halftime entertainment. Some colored guy, President of the United States or something, is supposed to be bending over for the opposing party, in front of millions of viewers. Oughtta be entertaining.

thatgirl said...

It makes me smile that you use words that I have to look up to talk about sports.

Beach Bum said...

I probably misheard this since I simply not that lucky a person but I am hearing something to the effect Eli Manning is injured and could be out all season.

If that is correct there is a God, and he does answer prayers!!!!!!

susan said...

I'll see your football team and raise you one Japanese Beach Volleyball team I followed to the harbor last week.

And talking about sports (we were, weren't we?) a very tiny parade consisting of two Mounties, a military band, a truck with a few wackos, a walking hockey puck, and finally the Stanley Cup at the back of a pick-up all went past our apartment last week. I hadn't known Halifax won - or even that they have a team.

Demeur said...

Jez Susan I thought hockey was over in the great white north. I guess it never ends there does it?

Randal Graves said...

jim, which REAL cup, the Heineken League? Baseball? Bah! Falcons? Verily I scoff at thee! (of course, if they still resided in the NFC West, they'd end up the top seed due to the rest of that division providing low-cost victories).

SWA, my grump was completely non-football related, I assure you. Having lived here for nearly four decades, I'm well aware of the futility of sports.


Fucking Nurenburg shit, just play ball and hawk crappy American ales.

thatgirl, yeah, Browns: 6 wins threw me for a loop, too, & I wrote the damn thing.

BB, it's the elder, and given that it's necking-related, he just might be done forever.

susan, is the beach volleyball world cup going on up there? (Is that the cup Jim was referring to?)

If Moose Jaw and Kamloops have teams, why wouldn't Halifax? The Stanley Cup! No chance to guzzle Molson out of it, huh.

demeur, it's a non-stop party north of the border.