Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Keeping up with the Krampuses, or, Someone Is Thinking of the Children, A Sequel In One-Half Act

Miss Prunella Vulgaris, The Duchess of Hammer-on-Dulcimer, esteemed member of the Peonage
Juan, The Earl of Valdez, less esteemed member of the Peonage
Good King Wenceslas, Duke, not King, of Bohemia 
Krampus, legendary dread purloiner of joy & stuff various & valuable not that your playwright still humble is saying that joy isn't valuable only that it's fleeting & you shouldn't get too attached 
Michael Buffer, egomaniacal microphone
The Infant of Prague, Our Lord and Savior
The Christmas Goat, Swedish Wicker Man knockoff
Kid Darkthrone, not-very-noted local misanthrope
Children, children
Bear, bait, & lovable ursine scamp  

Non-library, interior, daytime perhaps but it's difficult to tell because all the heads are wreathed with wreaths of despair & slithering lights of black, don't think because it's the most wonderful time of the year that everyone's getting baked which they are but it's a pastry of horror not anything special for GOOD KING WENCESLAS, DUCHESS and EARL to choke on whilst thinking about the CHILDREN won't someone please think about the CHILDREN someone still is so shut up already.


EARL: Mellow out, man.

DUCHESS: Yes, cheer up, good buddy, we'll get the children back.

EARL: Though it *is* nice to not hear them whine about watching TV.

DUCHESS: Settle down. Verily, we must storm our brains with ideas.

EARL: I suggest getting blotto.

Inconsolable, GOOD KING WENCESLAS cries.

EARL: And a box of Kleenex.

DUCHESS: Eureka!

EARL: The town?


EARL: The country?

DUCHESS: A mission of Burma!

EARL: The band?

DUKE, NOT KING (crying): Shut up!

DUCHESS: Verily, we shalt return!

Verily, DUCHESS and EARL exit, journeying offstage to Burma, winning rare spices through rigged games of Three-card Monte, these rare spices used to purchase pigeon's blood rubies, which in turn are used to purchase a Craigslist ad sure to fool KRAMPUS, check out that literary symmetry & please ignore the fact that Craigslist is currently free, it wasn't in the 1890s, you remember learning about the Great Bandwith Shortage in school of course you do.

DUCHESS: "Central European folkloress & "doll" collector seeks legendary monster for a good time sale, maybe more. Making port at Gdansk Bay, Tuesday, Fjord Cruise Lines, meet on board, dining room."

EARL: The bastard's too clever to fall for that.

DUCHESS: Not even the glad-handing Williams Gladstone and McKinley love babies as much as, the bastard, as you so eloquently put it. He'll answer the ad.

EARL (pointing): What about him?

DUCHESS: For once, you had a good idea.

Even more verily, DUCHESS, EARL, and a quite blotto & thus manageable GOOD KING WENCESLAS journey offstage out of Bohemia and into the frying pan of Gdansk, full of cutthroats, ne'er-do-wells and scalawags, and that's just the town government. Using his credentials as a beloved figure in all Polandia, GOOD KING WENCESLAS shakes his red nose and commandeers the dining room on Fjord Cruise Lines' love boat.

DUCHESS: Now we wait.

EARL: Now we eat.

DUCHESS: Typical male.

EARL: Says the woman who suggested a wres --

KRAMPUS enters with cliched gusto. KID DARKTHRONE follows him.

KRAMPUS (strutting in place with confidence): Where is my Central European folkloress and doll collector? I wish to make a deal wink nudge! Hench-kid, see that there is no funny business but mine!


MICHAEL BUFFER: Let's get ready to --

DUCHESS: Stop right there, Buffer. We spent all our rubies and can't afford the stiff penalties for trademark infringement, you lawsuit-happy bastard.

EARL: How eloquent.

KRAMPUS: Quiet! No delivery of children? If it's fisticuffs you want instead, it's fisticuffs you get!

DUCHESS: Oh, we've a delivery -- a special delivery of pain!

KRAMPUS and KID DARKTHRONE step into the space on the floor where a bunch of tables and chairs used to be but is now a makeshift ring. THE INFANT OF PRAGUE and THE CHRISTMAS GOAT enter and if you thought the clanging cacophony was dissonantly cacophonous last time out, you're right, but still, four titans of the turnbuckle, four eight fists of fjordish fury, blood from hidden razors and mock blindness, maybe a wrench or two, that's a lotta cacophony but lo, behold THE CHRISTMAS GOAT pinned by KRAMPUS and about to succumb until one last, desperate tap brings THE INFANT OF PRAGUE somersaulting over the imaginary rope whereby he flings a dreidel on the ground, its orbital spinning of circularity hypnotizing KRAMPUS long enough to himself be pinned.

DUCHESS: Turn over the children, Krampus.

EARL: Unless you've already eaten them.

KID DARKTHRONE (incredulous): Eaten?

DUCHESS: He wasn't taking them to Kiddie Park.

KID DARKTHRONE exits, returning with CHILDREN.

KID DARKTHRONE: Helping Krampus out was a pretty douchebag move, I know that now.

CHILDREN: Can we watch TV?

EARL: And knowing is half the battle.

BEAR enters.

BEAR: *growl*

KRAMPUS exits, pursued by BEAR. 



MRMacrum said...

An absolutely wonderful whacky tale.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Mission of Burma? Craigslist?

Have you been reading that weblog, Mock, Scissors, Paper again, R.G.?

Randal Graves said...

mrmacrum, beats posting about the PTBs and their drug-addled shenanigans masquerading as governance.

if, this is an entirely original work of inside jokery and I've got the trademarks to prove it.

Anonymous said...

My client, Bear, shall be suing for breach of contract. His fanbase was anticipating more stage time and it is his fanbase which propels him forward in his career. See you at the bar!

Oglethorpe Ursinus, Esq.
Bear Attorney at Law

Demeur said...

You forgot to mention that whilst the gang was off to far off Burma the Banco de la Chase was busy bulldozing the home castle for non payment of mortgage. Tough times these no?

Life As I Know It Now said...

This comment totally has not got anything to do with your awesome post Randal. I used to be Liberality but in the interest of throwing off ex's and such I've changed the name of my blog. It is: Life As I Know It Now. Just letting ya know.

Randal Graves said...

karl of the österreich, I served with Bear, I knew Bear, Bear was a friend of mine. karl of the österreich, you're no Bear's lawyer.

demeur, commentary on meat world crap? That's what the other 14,177,962 blogs are for. Damn kids.

new pseudonym, and now we all have to update our blogrolls. You're so selfish!

Demeur said...

Okay just admit it your embarrassed to live in Clevelanistan home of the disappearing home.

susan said...

A phenomenal tale with a blissful ending at least for the children who arrived home in time for the holiday specials on tv.

ps re:

'your playwright still humble is saying that joy isn't valuable only that it's fleeting & you shouldn't get too attached'

Sounds like a Buddhist precept to me.

Beach Bum said...

And knowing is half the battle.

Saw the preview of the upcoming G.I. Joe sequel and in a culturally bankrupt America it did not look too bad. The Rock and Bruse Willis appear to have major parts.

S.W. Anderson said...

The plot needs something. I'm thinking after Bear chases Krampus off, Sen. John McCain chases the children off. Yeah, that would work, especially if he was hurling epithets and threatening to explain to them why they should start saving up so they can afford privatized Social Security and Medicare.

Randal Graves said...

demeur, I'm embarrassed to live wherever people live.

susan, don't be throwing Buddhism around all willy-nilly, lazy bum nihilism's where it's at, you crazy hippie.

BB, you really should cut back on the daytime boozing.

SWA, what is it with you people trying to push your real world agenda here in magical fairy internets land? You're the real nihilists!

S.W. Anderson said...

Randal, you mean to tell me you think there's anything real-world about McCain?