Saturday, November 14, 2009

Idle blogs are the workshop of some guy with a telescope

Even if you knew of this set's existence, it still isn't funny, no need to tell me. Unless the devil uses a telescope to see whom to tempt next in the nebula of Hollywood stars that is us unwashed masses. Are we not bags of gas collapsing under the weight of our own hubris?

Exactly how far away is hell? Utah? Texas? DC? A boiling pot in Uzbekistan? Giving a public speech above the arctic circle while naked? No, I haven't forgotten about Sartre, but there's no one around, thus, I'm in purgatory. Heaven is a child's fantasy. Playing a Lego harp would be tough.

Anyway, that's gotta be quite a trek, and if I'm the big evil cheese or one of his nattily-dressed minions, hitchhiking is out of the question. Would you pick up a guy with horns? Unless it was a viking -- not one of those -- brandishing a broadsword or axe and he threatened to steal your wenches and drink your mead. You don't need to be versed in Old Norse to see that Olaf is really Olaf The Angry. Here, take the car, good luck driving this horseless carriage.

Modern man 1, dark ages doofus 0.

I am aware of a branch office less than fifteen minutes away.

And I've got Ray Rice in a couple of my fantasy leagues. Quel dilemme, whomever shall I root for? Unless a Kurt Warner Chipset 3.0 gets implanted in The Decidedly Unmighty Quinn and the Browns win 45-38, Rice gamely running for 236 yards and five touchdowns, I'm sure it'll be 45-10 against. Yes, I'm boldly predicting a garbage-time TD for us. I live on the edge. Unless I don't. Unless. On lesse, vpon less, on lasse.

Lasses aren't less, you misogynist English bastarde. Would you look at that, an entire post filled with nothing but hot air. Listen to the sad, pretty music and contemplate something of import to you. Just be somber about it.


Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

Are we not bags of gas collapsing under the weight of our own hubris?

And there you have the first track on your fantasy band's new album, Welcome to the Masturbatorium.



PS - and as your agent, I get 10%

sunshine said...

"Exactly how far away is hell? Utah? Texas? DC?"

Mike told me it was in Cleveland....
Ooops! Sorry..... :P


sunshine said...

P.S. Great song by the way... I'm going to get the album sometime this weekend..

Übermilf said...

It's in Texas. Obviously.

Mary Ellen said...

I always thought hell was the Internet. Wait...what the hell am I doing in hell??? Damn you, Randal, did you corrupt me? Shit.

Randal Graves said...

tengrain, that song title is a bit long. What do I look like, some too-clever-for-his-skinny-jeans, post-rock hipster?

Five percent.

sunshine, hey now, Detroit is in even worse shape than us! And make sure to look for the Swedish edition that has 12, not 11, tracks.

übermilf, so hell moves along with you? Interesting.

nunly, it took years and years, but my diabolical plan finally worked! Now, pass me your stash.

Übermilf said...

I see you got the point I was making.

Randal Graves said...

I already know that you're evil, I was simply trying to be nice.

Demeur said...

Ah Detroit. Lose that one and you'll know what hell is really like. Even the Seapigs beat em.

TomCat said...

In the off chance that they actually win, remember to take slow deep breaths to avoid hyperventilation.

Cormac Brown said...

If anyone could ever get Brady to work on his damn footwork, he could be the savior of the Browns. He reads better than Derek, but the way they suck and have traded off every viable receivere, they might as well just have Cribbs in there full-time with the Browns' version of the Wildcat.

Beach Bum said...

Are we not bags of gas collapsing under the weight of our own hubris?

That one had me rolling in the floor for five minutes. Thanks for the best laugh I had all day.

Christopher said...

Utah and Texas are hell.

We told AAA to please chart a course for us that avoids both Utah and Texas on our drive back to California.

I don't even like flying over them.

MRMacrum said...

Was this post supposed to make me feel better?

S.W. Anderson said...

"Are we not bags of gas collapsing under the weight of our own hubris?"

Yeah, well, just beware of the co-worker who lunched at the Pound-and-a-Half Killer Burrito place.

Tom Harper said...

"A boiling pot in Uzbekistan?" Mongolian hot pot is supposed to be an excellent dish. I'm not sure about the Uzbekistani version, especially when the ingredients are a prisoner formerly known as Hassan Ali Abdullah.

Chef Cthulhu said...

As soon as Cleveland took Mangini as head coach, they were doomed...doomed I tell you.

Randal Graves said...

demeur, but Detroit has actual skill position players with skill.

tomcat, maybe the Ravens' bus will get lost.

cormac, oh, like Robiskie isn't the answer? Future Hall of Famer he is, 'cause he went to THE Ohio State University! I'll be surprised if Quinn lasts the whole game. Even the o-line has regressed so far beyond the mean, it pass blocks on Pluto.

BB, and I'd wager, given where you work, that you've actually seen such a thing.

christopher, shame about Utah being the underpants of the nation, such beautiful country.

mrmacrum, no.

SWA, now that's goddamn nasty.

tom, *taste test* Hmm. Needs more Hassan.

chef, but we got all those ex-Jets, and they won the Super Bowl last year.

Distributorcap said...

i already miss your baseball posts

Dr. Zaius said...

I think that you can get that off with Windex. ;o)

rakeback said...

Ray Rice is leading the Ravens in receiving and rushing, while splitting time with 2 other backs. If the defense can pick things up in the 2nd half of the season, they can become a very dangerous team.

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