Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Vous êtes fou!

"Parlez-vous français?"

No, j'étudie le français.

"Pouvez-vous écrire en français?"

Have you been reading this tripe? Not this tripe, the paper chase chasing me around the house threatening death by a thousand scholars. Please, help yourself to some tripe, caramelized and drenched in a simply scrumptious copy toner vinaigrette.

No, please, I insist.

Oh, I'd simply die --

The audience applauds

-- if such an expensive delicacy were to go to waste while you morons who wait with bad breath for the invention of facsimile steampunkery that allows you to stand, in full trailerparkian stupefaction, in front of the panel formed from a space-age polymer (NASA, bitches!) and inscribed in an obscure language called "English," confused by the miniature pictogram of primitive cave art detailing where to lay your document to the point of frustration that tips le sang out of the series of orifices orbiting your well-coiffed head and onto the gently fading, vaguely earth-toned carpet with a dash of verge, yes I'm including the eye sockets but now, look, everyone can see the mess you've made. Sigh.

Vous êtes fou!

Jimmy Sangster not pictured.

Does anyone else find it comically spooky that Jimmy Sangster wrote and directed for Hammer? Doesn't that want to make you be a lesbian vamp?

Well, I know my name is Pierre and I like to do research papers because I can't draw very well, or do anything very well except that one thing wink nudge (tiddlywinks, you deviants) in or out of the tub. I also enjoy scoffing at you rubes who filter returns in the book drop after we're closed then call to complain le lendemain matin that you checked your record at 1 a.m. you Satan-worshiping nutjob lush Satan SATAN! and that the items were still on your record strikingly lined in some kind of 12 point font, what does our website use, Arial, Courier? Trebuchet MS is a useful one, too, because if you carry surplus bile for passing surfers, you can hang 10 that bitter brew on their castle walls then send in the troops to steal their gold.

Vous êtes fou!

I need some troops.


Like, like, like, you like say like again, yes, you sitting on the couch in the lounge area, and I'll jam a hook through your nasal cavity and pull out your fucking brain.


I'm sorry, but we had to lay off the mutant albino subterranean gnomes that eat, sleep, shag, shit, dream and die in the walls and sewer lines and also check items in during the midnight hour. Blame the politicians, not me, l'alchimie, l'alchimie est trouvée dans Sed non satiata. Non, Monsieur Grenouille, je ne suis pas satisfaisant. Parlez-vous latin? I can't even sprechen Sie Englisch.


Holte Ender said...

You do have wide musical taste, who would have thought this mardi morning you have referenced that great Belgian Hip-Hop act Benny B.

Dusty said...

Ah, it's great to be back among the yahoo's like you m'dear. I have missed you bunches, being sick and all.

Sometimes your labels make me smile and this post is no exception Randal. ;)

Tengrain said...

Je l'ai compris, M. Graves!

C'était dégoulasse.



Übermilf said...

I would say it sounds like you need a day off, but I wouldn't wish that on your wife, who has clearly suffered enough.

sunshine said...

Like.. I don't know what to ..like..say about any of like this! Like..oh my gawd! Like.. totally over my tiny like you know.. brain!
Like.. je suis tres stupide!!
Like wow man.
Like.. whatever!

*omg!help! I can't like stop saying like!*

Like Ciao!

Mary Ellen said...

I think I would fear for my son's life if he attended the university you are working at...but then again, at least I know that he would learn some French, albeit French cuss words.

Keep those crazy kids in line, Randal...don't let them suck the life blood and brain cells out of you, that's what pot it for.

Demeur said...

Vous êtes fou!? Mais oui. You don't have to be crazy to come here but it sure helps.

TomCat said...

No parlez voozie, but I think you took that missed field goal a little too hard. ;-)

Holte Ender said...

Did you notice how kind I was by not mentioning anything Brown?

Randal Graves said...

holte, you down with Benny B? Yeah, you know me.

dusty, hey, if I'm known for anything, it's for bringing a smile to the faces of children everywhere.

tengrain, au moins il n'est pas merde.

übermilf, oh, how your viewpoint would do a 180° if you ever met the lunatic.

sunshine, like stop, like, it!

nunly, did you just steal my corn chips?

I don't think it's this place per se, I just want everyone off my lawn.

demeur, I'm sane and so am I, but I can't speak for me.

tomcat, are you kidding? I'm just glad they were entertaining for once. Baby steps. ;-)

holte, what can Brown do for you? Find new ways to lose. At least the Steelers lost again. I'm living on schadenfreude.

Hill said...

Mui bueno...


La Belette Rouge said...

Well coiffed? Hah, you clearly aren't talking to me. I am not getting my hair done until tomorrow. And, you ask us if we are crazy like you don't know us. Don't we deserve the tu form?
When is alchemy due?

susan said...

I wonder if French grammar has suffered the same sad fate as l'Anglaise in the mouths of callow youth? How do you say 'like like like' en Francais?

Tom Harper said...

Vive l'albinos mutant gnomes des profondeurs qui mangent, dorment, le Shag, merde, rêvent et meurent dans les murs et les canalisations d'égout et aussi vérifier les articles dans durant l'heure de minuit. Ils seront de retour! Ils seront vengés!

S.W. Anderson said...

Oy! I feel like I stumbled into a bad dream scene: A Rosetta Stone commercial being taped, but things somehow go terribly wrong, with some poor wretch lying in front of a lounge sofa with the front of its face grotesquely open, gray matter soiling the gently aging beige carpet in a telltale line leading to a desk. And there, you, friend Randal, are doing something really disgusting with one of thos Magic Bullet mini-blenders advertised on TV, ground coffee, brandy and, ugh, a wad of gray matter.

Perhaps I've been reading too many of your posts, non? :)

Liberality said...

Oh darling, you spoke French! You know how that affects me!

Beach Bum said...

...gnomes that eat, sleep, shag, shit, dream and die in the walls and sewer lines and also check items in during the midnight hour. Blame the politicians...

Library patrons worried about lack of midnight check-ins?

Hell, as far as most politicians are concerned reading is not only inconvenient but for their purposes, counter-productive.

Actually i'm waiting for some Teabagger to go off saying libraries are socialist anyways, unless they stock a plenty of "Going Rogue" on the shelves.

okjimm said...

"Parlez-vous français?"

Nope. But I gotza pretty good handle, dere, hey on speaking da Wisconsineze. Ya, dere.

Randal Graves said...

hill, no, I will not press one for English!

LBR, you all certainly merit tu, but the vous is for the annoying patronage, a decidedly different form of crazy.

The Chuck paper? Officially, December 14. Luckily, a third is written, and even more luckily, my prof said I should pare it back a bit, too much stuff in there as it is.

susan, voyez-vous, comme je comme vais au comme cinema. Hmmm, not sure if it has the same needle-in-the-eardrum effect.

tom, vous, vous parlez français. I always knew you were a socialist!

SWA, hey man, don't blame me for your current mental difficulties. You're the one who took that hit of acid. ;-)

liberality, I feel like Gomez!

BB, excuse me, it's Going Rouge. She's not stupid, dammit. I'll do midnight checkins if they'll pay me triple time.

okjimm, now that was cheesy. Oh, hey, how's Favre doing this year?

Dr. Zaius said...

Although I quite liked Peter Cushing as Victor Frankenstein, I thought that Christoper Lee was abysmal as the monster. It's kind of hard to fill Boris Karloff's shoes in the Frankenstein's monster department.

On the other hand, the mutant albino subterranean gnomes are still carrying surplus bile for Rush Limbaugh.