Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Never trust any flash over 30

Thus, this is the last one you can trust. Next time, trust no one.

Not even, sniffle, Nixon.

"Is it me, or does this coffee taste weird? Haldeman, answer me!"

"But, Mr. President, Rose Mar --"

"Don't you fucking blame her, you sonofabitch. Get me the plumber."

"But, sir!"

"Now, you little shit!"

"Head shots, head shots, kill the son of a bitch?"

"No, Gordo, nothing that extreme. I want you to check on where this coffee originated. I just know that asshole McGovern is behind it. Fucking hippie."

"Here's a fresh cup from McDonald's, Mr. President."

"Thank you, Rose Mary, what would my jowls do without you. Want me to shake 'em?"

"Ah, no, that's alright, Mr. President, you just enjoy your coffee."

"Gordo, when did you become purple?"

"Mr. President?"

"You don't understand English, Charlie? Commies and gooks, that's all you are!"

"Sir --"

"You're purple, and Rose Mary is orange, and that prick Haldeman is green, throwing up in the bathroom like a Democrat. Not as if I asked you to garrote the sonofabitch."

"Would you like me to, sir?"

"No, no. But tell me why you are so -- holy shit, why am I red as a beet?"

"Perhaps you should lie down f --"

"Go fuck yourself, I'm fucking red, Gordo! And plastic, I'm fucking plastic!"

"Please, sir."

"You're gonna rock 'em sock 'em to me?"

*many years later in New Jersey*

"I know what I saw and years of anti-psychotics and group therapies couldn't convince me otherwise: that you won't have Robot Nixon to kick around any more."


Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

You miss the old boy, don'tcha? But I gotta admit the thought of Tricky Dick on hallucinogens would explain a lot.



PS - Eat at Ray's!

Holte Ender said...

Nixon was the finest president to ever be impeached.

Flannery Alden said...

Ha! I love me some cranky Nixon!

sunshine said...

You watch too much Futurama! :P
I quite enjoyed the want me to shake my jowls for you part!
I LOL'd. :P


Randal Graves said...

tengrain, that's part of Famous Ray's secret sauce. Oops, I've said too much.

holte, how casually you dismiss Andrew Johnson. Hmph.

flannery, Nixon goes good with everything!

sunshine, Betty Friedan, send a little of that lotion my way.

And they say Nixon ain't sexy.

Nicole E. Hirschi aka CJT said...

You had me smiling Randal - nice job, I, too, miss Nixon. When will we get another like him?

I like seeing colors! Its fun!

Tom Harper said...

Nixon on acid, LOL.

TomCat said...

The most sickening thing is that, compared to today's GOP, Nixon was a siant.

PipeTobacco said...


A Nixon who did what he did through hallucination! A brilliant sort of concept! It would explain a lot, including the paranoia.

Surprisingly, although it is a farcical style of fiction, it reads very believably.

Great piece! One of my favorites of yours.


S.W. Anderson said...

Good one, Randal. However, Nixon was definitely a scotch-rocks kind of guy. I don't think he had patience for pills, much less therapy sessions. Not unless you count as therapy being chatted up on the phone by White House successors seeking advice.

Liberality said...

Thanks for the laughs--a red plastic Nixon who wants to shake his jowls to please the lady...that's way out there and funny too.

Beach Bum said...

"No, Gordo, nothing that extreme. I want you to check on where this coffee originated. I just know that asshole McGovern is behind it. Fucking hippie."

I can actually see that insane fucker Gordon Liddy claiming that commies had poisoned the coffee supply. After all Juan Valdez looks a lot like an older Che Guevara.

La Belette Rouge said...

You've done it; now I want to watch "All the President's Men" AGAIN. Well now I have an excuse not to work. Thanks for that.

Tim said...

Holy Crap
Following the mind of the Randal
should have a warning label on it.
"Read at your own Risk"

susan said...

Damn, now you've reminded me all over again just how wrong I was when I thought with Nixon gone all would be well again. Sillie hippie.

Randal Graves said...

nicole, I knew everyone would love a little bit more Tricky Dick.

tom, would have been either highly comical, or he would have started bombing Moscow.

tomcat, imagine what Nixon could have done with today's extra-wimpy press corps and entire media empire in his back pocket. Good times!

PT, see, it wasn't the inherent vileness of the man, it was the drugs. He was framed!

SWA, oh hell, he'd never take that hippie stuff on his own. McGovern was a precision pilot, and a precision player, too.

liberality, I hope no one has any nightmares about Nixon's shaking jowls. I'd feel bad.

BB, I wonder if you can get Juan Valdez on a t-shirt.

LBR, it was my pleasure. Anytime I can help diminish America's collective work rate, I feel I've done my part.

tim, don't blame me, Nixon's the acid tripper.

susan, should have stuck to scotch n' rocks, peacenik.

Sue H said...

The thought of a red, plastic 'trickie Dickie' had me choking on my coffee! (the un-tainted variety, I hasten to add)

Very Futurama-esque, Randal! ;-)

Joyce said...

Hadn't thought about Tricky Dick in some time. And, here I thought you were just restating one of his news conferences...

This was hilarious. Well done.

chad rohrbacher said...

hilarious -- I always enjoy your screeds -- and the Nixon was right on, colorful language and all

David Barber said...

Hey mate. Thought I'd left a comment a few days ago. Great yarn as usual and very funny (I read it in my head in an American accent.)

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