Saturday, June 26, 2010

Come on and rock me Honduras




















USA wins group blah blah blah* defending champ Italy out pass Cannavaro a walker yawn yawn yawn. What you all should be praising the soccer gods, and their sage acolyte, the inscrutable wizard Diego, for is the lowly Hondurans lulling those anathemas to attacking beauty, the fucking Swiss, out of the tournament. Good riddance.

Did you watch Spain vs. Chile? Of course you did. That's what we want.



Minus the vaguely Anschlussian homage of the final ten minutes and that awful fucking dive I'm looking at you Fernando Torres and that awful fucking yellow & red for (maybe, maybe) the most inadvertent of contact I'm looking at you Julian Rodriguez Santiago. Sheesh.






















Though a shot of referee-priced booze for Limey Howard Webb demanding in that gruff Brit schoolmaster way the Slovaks cease and desist with such impudent fakery. Comical.

As for the shining path ahead, don't get cocky. Ghana can't score, but they don't concede either and, assuming we slip past, are we certainly superior to South Korea or, more likely, the Uruguayans? Still, a semifinal appearance is not out of the realm of extreme possibility, and only Bob Bradley on acid would have accepted that crazy fuckery when qualifying started so many moons ago.

*honestly, I let out a rebel yell that scared the hell out of our cats when Donovan scored

FIVE FUCKING MINUTES P.S. YOU STUPID FUCKS WHY CAN'T YOU EVER NOT CONCEDE A FUCKING GOAL IN THE FIRST TEN FUCKING MINUTES? MORONS! 0-1.

TEN FUCKING MINUTES P.S. We'll make Boateng into Cruyff. We have the power. I'm angry Jerry. Angry and tired.

EIGHTEEN FUCKING MINUTES P.S. Dear patrons, each time you come into the library, I have to run away from the television and towards the desk to help you when I don't really want to. You understand, now fuck off.

THIRTY FUCKING MINUTES P.S. Auf wiedersehen Clark, may you be deafened by vuvuzelas for all eternity.

FUCKING HALFTIME P.S. Ugly as a really ugly thing. If someone would've told me we'd play that disorganized yet only be down a goal, I'd shake his hand and stroll off 'a smilin'.

FORTY-NINE FUCKING MINUTES P.S. Playing with urgency in the second half after lack of lustrous everything, didn't see that coming.

SIXTY FUCKING MINUTES P.S. Sure wish we had the ref from Spain-Chile. Yellow cards aplenty!

SIXTY-THREE FUCKING MINUTES P.S. In the immortal words of Flava Flav, yeeeaaaah boyyyyy. 1-1.

EIGHTY FUCKING MINUTES P.S. Editor's note: elbowing is now permitted.

FUCKING FULLTIME P.S. One bourbon, one scotch and one beer.

NINETY-THIRD FUCKING MINUTE P.S. THIS ISN'T THE BEGINNING OF THE GAME YOU FUCKS JESUS MOTHERFUCKING CHRIST ON A STICK DIPPED IN HYDROCHLORIC ACID. 1-2.

HALFTIME OF FUCKING ET P.S. So, when do we tie it up, 119th, 120th or stoppage time?

108th FUCKING MINUTE P.S. Ghana, stop it. Hope you're happy with this bush league shit, Sepp.

110th FUCKING MINUTE P.S. "Yes, very happy, now I shall rub my hands together most Blofeldian."

116th FUCKING MINUTE P.S. Blah.

120th FUCKING MINUTE P.S. Blah. Yes, I'm wasting time.

FULLTIME OF FUCKING ET P.S. Go Uruguay.

12 comments:

David Barber said...

I'm supporting you guys later...so I better hear a shout out for us tomorrow. Sincerely, good luck mate, may we both be celebrating. :-)

Randal Graves said...

Only because when comparing England and Germany, you guys are the lesser of two footie evils. ;-)

Holte Ender said...

Another failing for FIFA not using post-game video to expose the diving cheats, ban the prats, it will soon stop.

Demeur said...

Ha! You realize that the octopus has predicted a Germany win and the octopus is never wrong.

Beach Bum said...

...are we certainly superior to South Korea...

Slightly off topic but what will be the fate of the North Korean team after getting waxed in each match they played?

S.W. Anderson said...

Beach Bum, they will probably be hailed in the official media as valiant victors, then disappear.

Randal, just looking at the video and photo images, a caption comes to mind: "Are we having fun yet?"

Tom Harper said...

Somewhere, there's a funny caption for that bottom picture. I can't quite articulate it, but it's there; maybe a whole bunch of them.

Liberality said...

Did you watch Spain vs. Chile?

No I did not. Here's to hoping whichever team you are rooting for wins. :)

Joss Albért said...

It is a joy that, through the medium of football, i can now decode your words. It's like being handed a rosetta stone!

Shame to see the US out. I imagine the team will be a lot stronger in 4-8 years... America seems to be liking this soccer-sport, yes?

Enjoy the Eng/Ger car crash tomorrow... we won't.

La Belette Rouge said...

Tomorrow I am taking the day off so that I can watch 12 hours of tennis. I am expecting to come here on Tuesday and see a play by play and analysis of all the exciting Wimbledon action.

Ricky Shambles said...

I was surprised how much I could tense up and get excited while listening to the game in the car (on the way from Irish dance to an Irish Wake - no handball jokes!)

Caption: "You act like bitch I smack you like one! Now, up!"

susan said...

I am so looking forward to your review of the upcoming Mah Jong Championships.

"The event is especially known for its prize money of one million US dollar."