Thursday, September 9, 2010

There are more than nine circles, right?

Ho-hum. Another year, another last place finish. At least we've got LeBr --

AFC East: The Fucking Ravens' turnover-aided playoff smackery notwithstanding, the Pats faced a sickening list of pass defenses last season & Mr. Gisele still pirouetted his way to over 4400 yards & 28 touchdowns. Plus ça change. The Jets are the sexy pick of transplanted Yorkists everywhere, but I foresee a Boleyn finish for the dirty Sanchez. Thus, the Fish could bite, though Ronnie will get bit (again) during Ricky's last puff to glory. The Bills are fucking awful.

AFC North: Speaking of The Fucking Ravens, roll d20 for insult. & they say nothing good comes out of sexual harassment, says son of Paul: the Bengals mayhap nab another playoff spot, unless Dick breaks out the Players Handbook & resurrects the '76 Steel Curtain. I was always partial to Spiritwrack myself. The Browns are fucking awful.

AFC South: Death, taxes, this site remaining a punchline, the Colts winning the division. Since the playoffs expanded in 1990 -- that's twenty straight seasons for those of you counting in your cubicle -- at least four new teams have made the playoffs. Four. Therefore, with football being more of arms & the man I sing than ever before, why not Planet Houston? Vince Young: if, thus, until. The Jaguars, outside of Gumbercules, are fucking awful.

AFC West: Barring alien intervention, this is a race for second. Even Saint Tim, Sword of Faith, Son of Man's Man & Fisherman's Wharf Busboy No. 13 cannot avoid Olympian bolts nor even the (less) woebegone Chiefs, especially you, Jamaal Charles whom I have in my keeper league run to daylight hint hint. Well, Mr. Campbell, at least the checks will clear & when you're on the sideline by midseason with a broken collarbone, perhaps fortune will smile upon thee & Big Al will lend you one of his shiny disco outfits.

NFC East: Applicable to everyone, natch, but the health of fat people will determine this division, so flip a fedora & choose between The Fucking Cowboys (no way their defense is as good), The Fucking Giants (no way their defense is as bad) or The Fucking Eagles (no way the fans don't boo Kevin Kolb). Oh, each year since 2003 there's been at least one worst-to-first. Listening, Donovan?

NFC North: If Aaron Rodgers stays upright, blank cranium. If not, make way for a man who's come back more times than Jason, Freddy or Kissinger. Sure, Rice is no Rice, but no Rice? This Rice wasn't that Rice until Retirement un-ed himself. Wake up, Greg Lewis. Jay Cutler's Pick Parade & Matt Forte's Cleavage are easy targets, so rescan the bullseye & see a bland offensive line culprit -- & now they've added noted quarterback guru/killer Mike Martz? Even Peppers can't spice up these ingredients. Almost there, Detroit, single-digit losses, almost there.

NFC South: Is Drew Brees dead? No? Then America's worst sports town finishes second. Don't waste your precious time on the non-entities.

NFC West: San Francisco by default. Why? Arizona has no NFL-calibre quarterback, none. I had the displeasure of seeing Derek Anderson week in & week out yes even this historic monstrosity who knew therapy was so expensive, Pete Carroll can't game the system like he did back in Californistan & the Rams are fucking awful you're gonna die Sam Bradford hardee har har.

AFC playoff seeds: San Diego, Indianapolis, The Fucking Ravens, New England, Houston, Miami.

NFC playoff seeds: Green Bay, New Orleans, The Fucking Giants, San Francisco, Atlanta, Minnesota.

Super Bowl: Indianapolis over Green Bay. It's a quarterback's world, Ray Lewis is only living in it. Why not the Chargers then? The curse of Marty liveth long. See Cleveland, Kansas City post-departure.

My pitiable Browns: 4 wins, 3 arrests, 21 interceptions thrown, 9 games missed by Jerome Harrison due to injury, a dozen cases of whiskey, 34 bags of pizza rolls & 1 Josh Cribbs public demand to be traded.


Lisa said...

I know this is English, but I don't understand a word of it. But then I'm from Indiana where Basketball is King.

BDR said...

I had a rough night, and I hate the fucking Eagles, man...

The local helmetballers here in Fentyville are rumored to be bringing back the home burgundy shirts and gold pants. Be interesting to see how that effects the section of my lizard brain that responds to uniforms.

BDR said...

Doh: affects.

Beach Bum said...

I heard this morning that Tom Brady was in what was first reported as a serious car accident, now they say he is okay. I know I'm a terrible person but I wished it was Peyton Manning with just enough of an injury to end his career.

Randal Graves said...

lisa, even with a couple of Jolly Ole references, ballet *and* General Zod? That hurts.

BDR, Billy Kilmer! If the sports leagues were ballsy, when they do their annual "We Love Boobies, Too!" campaign, instead of merely having pink ribbon distribution, should go whole hog and adopt Everton's away kit.

BB, I was about to say how about the other 31 starting quarterbacks dammit until I realized that Jake Delhomme would get hurt "falling down stairs" and Seneca Wallace would fall down the Springfield Mystery Spot, thus saving the 4-12 mark behind the errant throws of Colt.

sunshine said...

La, la, la... hmmm .. whatever. :)


Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

Solid prediction, but you forgot to summarize the finger food from Ray's.



Liberality said...

fuck sports~oh wait, they might like that, I take it back.

okjimm said...

The NY Times picked Packers over Ravens in the SuperBowl.

Personally I usually pick cinnamon and honey over oatmeal. Toast on the side.

Demeur said...

What no mention of the Seapigs? Oh that's right they stole Cleveland's playbook and will end up like the Indians and the Mariners.
For years it's been let's hire the oldest worn out players. But alas name recognition only draws fans for so long.

Tom Harper said...

Fight Team Fight!

S.W. Anderson said...

Randal, that last paragraph was priceless. Look at it this way: there's something to be said for consistency.

Randal Graves said...

sunshine, go watch your CFL, Canuck hippie. Three downs, bah, humbug.

tengrain, like the entire Famous Ray's menu, finger-, toe-, pancreas-lickin' good.

liberality, you're even more of a hippie than the Canadians!

okjimm, damn you, sir, now I'm hungry. Toasted raisin bread.

demeur, I heard the Mad Stork is making a comeback.

tom, Bush called, he wants his pom-poms back.

SWA, we all need touchstones in our lives, no?

Holte Ender said...

SF 49ers to win Superbowl. But what do I know.