Friday, January 6, 2012

Everyone else is getting some but me

Commander Cody gets boomed.

The Fucking Bengals @ Houston AKA the Johnathan Joseph Revenge Game: ♪ misty AFC Central Memories ♫ Sniff, & who else misses Jerry Glanville? Jack Pardee was a professional, you know, one of those who leaves tickets not for Elvis but his tax accountant, & thus was never going to funhouse mirror Wicky Wacky postgame. Since the Planet Hoostons smack mouths on O & D, if Schuab was still swabbing ye scurvy skinflints, they might have been Indy-lubbers in the end #srsly. But Andy Dalton, unless the internets lied to me, is also rookie-ish, too [ed. digression: I recall a rookie leading us to the postseason once upon an aeon ago], en plus, the Bungles are 0-7 against playoff teams [ed. note: in the interest of not being a politician, 5 of the 7 losses were* by a touchdown or less, a sixth by eight, but does regression mean, oh, 11-5 post-Quetzalcoatl? Nein: check the future sked, homeslice]. 0-8 after Saturday night's fighting, all right. Texans 20-17.

*proliferation of italics due to frustration at the continued blah surrounding a certain squad that, like athlete's foot, broken hearts, or ring around the collar, refuses to vamoose. I don't have athlete's foot or ring around the collar.

Detroit @ New Orleans: Pretty please, Night of the Living Tecmo Bowl, though I'm not a completely greedy beast, I'll settle for one of these. Saints 45-31.

Atlanta @ The Fucking Giants: Motown Meltdowns don't just help the I(vory backscratched) in the MIC, but America's Worst Sporting Town, too. Wouldst thou not rather face inconsistency instead of historic greatness? Falcons 28-20.

The Fucking Steelers @ The Fucking Broncos: & next week, we suffer The Fucking Ravens & The Fucking Patriots? 'tis The Fucking Conspiracy, 'tis, what Blud-Soak'd Popery! what Straungenesse vexes mine sportynge soule! but after back-to-back solid drafts on the angry side of the ball (Phil Taylor, Jabaal Sheard, Joe Haden though try covering downfield once in awhile, & T. J. Ward), the Browns -- what, oh yeah, this game. I couldn't care less about how much or how little Jesusery or Dawkinsism or Cthulhuiana Tebow does or doesn't spew & you shouldn't either. If he won your team games, he could engage in megachurch cosplay & you wouldn't grumble one iota. En ce moment, as a quarterback, he sucks. Maybe someday he'll slash, maybe not. Now, injuries notwithstanding, The Fucking Steelers 23-9.


Beach Bum said...

Hey, I'm still licking my wounds from Clemson getting their asses kicked. Damn, that was embarrassing and to make things worse the stupid Gamecocks won.

Demeur said...

At least you didn't have to endure a season with Fumbles Jackson. So does this make Cleveland and Seattle part of the NFL farm league?

Randal Graves said...

BB, I haven't watched more than a few minutes of the non-playoffs but I did find it comical that a Fuckeye complained that he got called a cracker.

demeur, are you kidding me? The Clowns scored -6 points/game. No sympathy for you until I can satisfy my own irrational need.

Jim H. said...

Don't Ohioans (Bengies & Brownies) all pull for each other against all others?

ATL v. NYFG: shaping up to be the best game of the weekend. You have it right.

Worst Sporting Town? c'mon. These people are apeshit crazy re: UGA 'Dogs and, to a lesser extent, GIT Jackets in teh helmetballs.

Randal Graves said...

Sir, are you mad? I hope the Bengals go 0-16, and the Ravens and Steelers to go -5-21.

One reason to root for Hooston, more stupid quotes like this: "More like a Lycan wolf ninja -– like a ninja who been bit by a werewolf and then he’s still a ninja but then transforms to the wolf come game time. And the wolf is the dog. And y’all know I got the dog, too."

College doesn't count! You guys can't sell out an NLCS game! Boo! Boo! (okay, *maybe* Miami is worse).

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Here I is, a lifelong Redskins fan.

And then I move to Ohio.


Laura said...

How about those Toronto Argo's?
Or, is Canadian football finished?
It might be.....


okjimm said...

look for Packers to beat Atlanta in Round 2. Lions suck....Denver sucks..... the Giants will choke

susan said...

Maybe it's time you took up an interest in a quieter sport. I believe cricket is still played.. somewhere.

Anonymous said...

Before he wrote Silence of the Lambs and other tales of Dr Hannibal Lecter, Thomas Harris wrote a thriller that might give you some ideas for how to ensure the games play out your way... if you have access to black op mercs, plastic explosives, flechette darts, and the Goodyear Blimp!

Life As I Know It Now said...

I have absolutely nothing to say about sports except it's a goddamned waste of time and an opiate of the masses, or not. :~D

S.W. Anderson said...

Anyone who can work Quetzalcoatl and ring around the collar into the same post possesses a unique talent. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to have a cup of coffee and contemplate what "the angry side of the ball" is — the task made dicey by the fact all the footballs I've seen didn't have any sides.

Randal Graves said...

if, they're almost as much a lost cause as we are.

laura, three downs makes Baby Jesus cry.

okjimm, I think we were off just a bit. Atlanta's o-line was *terrible* and Denver WTF, the Steelers' secondary was the punchline to a joke, acres of separation.

susan, do they have fantasy leagues?

karl of the österreich, I don't think army surplus stores sell that stuff so can't I just spike their pregame syringes?

life, *everything* is goddamn waste of time since red giantism will ultimately win the day.

SWA, they sure do have sides, you just need to drink enough.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Tesus will lead us to the promised land.