Cleveland 2, The Fucking Yankees 1

For the second straight game, when not facing that old, brokedown warhorse ready for the glue factory, the offense has decided to imitate Houdini, David Copperfield, Doug Henning and Crazy Uncle Lou. We've seen the disappearing coin trick already. Go drink your Metamucil.

The pain was made worse by the peformance of Johnny Damon. What exactly is it like to sell your honor, your principles and your soul to work for The Evil Empire?

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly 5

The Good: Jamie Jason Wright filled in quite well for a nicked-up Jamal Lewis, showing a shifty quickness that should be utilized more in the future, right, Romeo? Um, we held New England below a lot of their season averages. Yeah, I know. Woo. The third down defense was superb, with the Patriots converting only 2 of 12 chances. Of course, this was offset by...

The Bad: ...shoddy tackling. You're not matadors. Wrap the fuckers up, just like you learned in Pee-Wee League. Derek Anderson reverting to the DA of old, thereby cancelling The Edwards/Winslow Show until it was too late.

The Ugly: Too many blown coverages, making yet another journeyman back look like a Pro Bowler, giving up a cheap TD with seconds remaining, an 0-4 turnover ratio. Reverse that against these guys, and maybe we would've had a chance. Certainly a mixed bag of performances this week all around.

Up next: At home against Miami. That's 0-5 Miami. Get it? Don't fuck it up. The AFC is looking more top-heavy than expected. One never knows.

Come work for The Pagan Throne!

Pagans always throw the best parties, anyway.
















Plus, who'd be a much more enjoyable boss to work for,

















this slimy, evil fuck, or












a pagan goddess? Sorry, Bill, you stay right where you're at. You and Hannity can argue over who has the biggest lapel p - oh, you don't have one on either. Nevermind.

Camera obscura

I always feel like someone's watching me.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice on Friday ordered tighter controls on U.S. security contractor Blackwater, including putting cameras on its convoys, after last month's deadly shootings in Iraq.

State Department spokesman Sean McCormack said dozens of diplomatic security agents would also be sent to Iraq to accompany each convoy protected by Blackwater guards.

Soft words followed by harsh, decisive action. Teddy would be so proud. But, how will American bloodlust be sated now?

The new measures will apply only to Blackwater and not to two other key State Department security contractors in Iraq, Triple Canopy and DynCorp, McCormack said.

Whew! That was close. At least the circus of Terminators can continue spreading frivolity throughout the desert sands covering our oil of the free Iraqi people. They're no Blackwater to be sure but, hey, who can be? Though please, tell me more about these Very Special People you mentioned earlier.

Special agents would begin immediately accompanying Blackwater when the firm transports U.S. diplomatic personnel outside the fortified international zone, McCormack said.

I know what you're thinking. What about when Blackwater isn't transporting U.S. diplomatic personnel, but is out and a-viking about? Not to worry. They'll make sure any incriminating footage gets into the right hands.

Cleveland 2, The Fucking Yankees 0

What a bargain that Fausto is. Thanks, Mephistopheles! Not a fan of the 2-for-752 w/RISP, though. But goddamn, Mr. Hafner, wear all the fucking ECW shirts you want.

One of the few things in life finer, more sweet, more delicious, more memorable than putting the smackdown on The Fucking Yankees is
ripping the heart out of The Fucking Yankees.

Ask Bob Shrum - he'll know what to do!

This is true.

Please, no one hold your breath, for you might die.

Senators, interrupted

"The exhaust pipe on my car was shooting flames out if it Wednesday, Thursday and today, and I'm afraid it will tomorrow, too!"
"Don't you think you should get that checked out?"
"No, I'll just wait until it blows up."

Democratic lawmakers assailed the Justice Department yesterday for issuing secret memos that authorized harsh CIA interrogation techniques, demanding that the Bush administration turn over the documents. But officials refused and said the tactics did not violate anti-torture laws.

Idiots. Time is precious and cannot be foolishly wasted telling everyone when there are repressed sadist games to be played suspects to be interrogated. The laws were changed secretly for a reason. Terrorists read newspapers, too.

One opinion issued by the Justice Department's Office of Legal Counsel in May 2005 authorized a combination of painful physical and psychological interrogation tactics, including head slapping, frigid temperatures and simulated drowning, according to current and former officials familiar with the issue.

Boys will be boys. But should Bush and Co. be worried? Messrs. Eggen and Abramowitz claim that the memos

create an unwelcome complication for the Bush administration as it tries to win confirmation of former federal judge Michael B. Mukasey as the next attorney general.

If I were a member of the Bush administration, I wouldn't sweat it. Paddy is on the case and he

vowed to question Mukasey closely about his views on interrogation policies during confirmation hearings this month.

"Mr. Mukasey, do you think we should torture suspects in custody?"
"I can't answer that because potential suspects might learn how to combat specific techniques."
"But I'm not asking for specifics, merely your view on whether we should or should not torture."
"I can't answer that because then you might not vote for me."
"Your honesty is refreshing, Mr. Mukasey. I think we're done. I'm starving. Anyone up for some Chinese?"

And let's be realistic for a moment. As Francis Fragging Townsend said

If Americans are killed because we failed to do the hard things, the American people would have the absolute right to ask us why.

Damn straight. Ain't nothin' more 'murrikan than combating barbarity with barbarity.
















"Yeah. I don't think you'll be getting that memo."


You ungrateful bastards update:

Bush, speaking emphatically, noted that "highly trained professionals" conduct any questioning. "And by the way," he said, "we have gotten information from these high-value detainees that have helped protect you."

So there.

Cleveland 1, The Fucking Yankees 0

There are few things in life finer, more sweet, more delicious, more memorable than putting the smackdown on The Fucking Yankees.

And what got into Old Man Kenny? It was the 1995 ALCS all over again.

The Thing That Should Not Be

Not counting some of the excellent not-all-that short shorts featured in the series presented by Lurker Films, could we potentially be looking at the first great, full-length, Lovecraft flick?

O, Mighty Cthulhu, make it so! You can even devour Washington, D.C. if it will make you happy. Just don't eat the rest of us until after the movie.

Please stop punching yourself

There's already enough blood to clean up as it is.

In a letter to Mr. Mukasey made public Wednesday, the chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee, Patrick J. Leahy of Vermont, said he would go forward with the confirmation hearings without the promise of documents.

Because too much information is a bad thing.

The decision to go forward with the hearings appeared to reflect a calculation by Mr. Leahy and other Democrats that they did not want to be seen as willing to leave the post unfilled after complaining so loudly of turmoil in the department under Mr. Gonzales.

They wouldn't dare foolishly risk the well-deserved backlash from The Dean and his acolytes of High Broderism. They're Very Serious People who are the Guardians of Sacred Bipartisanship. Would you wish the Democrats to bring down their Holy Wrath and make us all suffer?

Despite concerns among Democrats and some civil liberties groups about Mr. Mukasey's past support for sweeping national security powers for the executive branch, his nomination has generally been well received on Capitol Hill, among Democrats and Republicans alike.

That's it? That's the issue that would've kept these hearings from going smoothly? Everything's been going swimmingly under The New and Improved Unitary Executive, or haven't you been paying attention? Sure, Roberts, Alito and Gonzales may have been a wee bit to the right of the majority of Americans on every possible issue, but since Bush has gotten what he wants, what would be the point of ramming through yet another wingnut nominee? He's certainly not greedy for the powertrip gravy train to stay fresh and tasty. Stupid moonbats.

I'm Dick Cheney and I approve this violence

Others are far more eloquent on this subject, but this is just completely fucked up.

If only we didn't have The Neverending War on Terror of Al-Qaeda Christian-Baby-Eating Sharia-Law-Worshipping Mullah Soldiers of Muhammad Who Want To Invade and Control America, Burn Our Bibles and Behead Us keeping us from multitasking and risking pissing off China - the country that owns us - to maybe possibly do something for the people of Burma. Perhaps we can send them a nice fruitcake for Christmas. I'm sure the war with Iran will be all wrapped up by then.

Money talks and E.coli walks around your intestinal tract with impunity

I know this issue isn't as sexy as Blackwater, but this does just as fine a job in exposing the yawning abyss that is the Republican soul.

Yesterday, Mike Leavitt, secretary of health and human services and chairman of a panel established by President Bush to study the safety of imported food, reflected that point of view when he said: "We simply cannot inspect our way to safety."

I'd prefer sorcery myself, with all the pyrotechnics and luminous clouds of exploding stars and whatnot. Very cool, but not very practical, being an imaginary thing like a compassionate conservative. So, what to do?

Government and industry officials note that the sheer volume of imports - $2.2 trillion this year, twice the level in 2000 - makes increasing inspections impractical. It would require hundreds, if not thousands, of new inspectors, and would slow business at the borders, they say.

"Oh, boy! The deep fryer's here. Heh, heh, I got it used from the navy. You can flash-fry a buffalo in forty seconds."
"Forty seconds? But I want it now!"

Again, I say, what to do?
"That's called technology."

So we can expect the same high-level of service and concern that our sea and airports are receiving. Better stock up on Pepto Bismol and antibiotics. But you guys are right about an increase in inspections costing more. Golly gee, if only we had some extra money lying around, but we wasted it on lollipops, Zagnut bars and weed.

Diamonds and Pearls - ECW t-shirts

1. Mr. Hafner, please stop wearing that silly shirt while you hawk Cox Cable on the teevee. You look like an idiot.
2. Mr. Hafner, please hit many home runs against The Fucking Yankees.
3. Predictions:

Arizona vs. Chicago: Don't look at the W-L records; the Cubs are the better team. The Diamondbacks have a stellar defense and Brandon Webb is a stud, but he can't do it by himself against Carlos Zambrano, Ted Lilly, Rich Hill and the Cubs' suddenly power-mad offense. Cubs in 4.

Philadelphia vs. Colorado: Everyone had these teams playing in October, huh. Both played out of their fucking minds down the stretch, both have better offenses than pitching staffs, so it comes down to wild cards, x-factors and whatever cliché you care to dig up. I'll go with Cole Hamels. If he pitches like he's capable, the Phillies advance. So, Philadelphia in 5.

Boston vs. Anaheim (I know it's the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim's Anti-Semitic Corpse of Walt Disney Uber-Corp. Inc., but I don't fucking care - Boston vs. California! Dave Henderson! Donnie Moore! (just no one off themself, okay?): John Lackey pitches as well in Fenway as I would and I can't see Garrett Anderson continuing his MVP-like second half. The Red Sox have a scarier lineup and though their bullpen has imploded down the stretch, I can't see that continuing either. Though all of those shouldn'ts still could, I see Boston in 4.

Cleveland vs. The Fucking Yankees: "Good pitching always beats good hitting" is a crock, otherwise Atlanta would have about seven trophies instead of one, but good pitching certainly helps. Front-to-back - well, maybe not Baserunners Joe Borowski - we have the better staff and our offense can be just as lethal. Our 1-2 is better than their 1-2, so Tribe in 5.

For those of you who don't live in Cleveland or New York and are not soulless frontrunners, perhaps these will help you decide who to root for:














2007 Cleveland Indians team photo.












2007 New York Yankees team photo.


Fuck The Fucking Yankees.

The kind of guy you'd like to have a beer with

Why is it always with someone who likes humans shot and killed? But at least the rest of this gang of thugs isn't like that.

In at least two cases, Blackwater paid victims' family members who complained, and sought to cover up other episodes, the Congressional report said.

"That's uniquely American."

"There is no evidence in the documents that the committee has reviewed that the State Department sought to restrain Blackwater's actions, raised concerns about the number of shooting episodes involving Blackwater or the company's high rate of shooting first, or detained Blackwater contractors for investigation," the report states.

That's uniquely Bushian. But fear not, true believers! Blackwater, like all good corporations, can investigate itself without the need for the nanny state to hold their hand.

Blackwater has dismissed 122 of its employees over the past three years for misuse of weapons, drug or alcohol abuse, lewd conduct or violent behavior, according to the report.

You now have only two choices before you, son. The army - they're really desperate - or the RNC.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly 4

The Good: The Edwards/Winslow Show keeps rolling along, Derek Anderson made only one egregious error (the pass into triple coverage that was picked off), and the defense was much more sturdy (at times, anyway) and took Baltimore out of their power element and made old man McNair do what he didn't want to do, chuck it up over 50 times.

The Bad: Aside from the mediocre pass rush of our d-line of Methuselahs, there wasn't much bad at all. Woo!

The Ugly: The goalline offense generated zero push - the Jamal Lewis TD was a referee's gift, but I'll fucking take it. We're owed quite a number of breaks, don't you think? They certainly pass protected much better this week.

Bonus Ugly: Apu's favorite squadron. Now that was a first class choke job!

Up next: New England. Well, 2-3 is better than 0-5.