Friday, March 20, 2009

Mutual of Omaha's Public Transportation Kingdom*

"Hello, I'm Marlin Perkins, and today, we're in for a rare treat, observing the Vicodin Octopus in her natural habitat."

"The Vicodin Octopus, unlike the species of octopi that must remain in the briny deep lest they shrivel and dry out, has each of her arms completely plugged in to human technology, such as email and plastic surgery. In fact, while she applies a dexterous series of one-thumb death punches to her Crackberry, watch as a thick, inky ringtone banishes the fierce, incoherent Jabbering-wocky to the wilds of a seat further away."

"Just as the human drained of hope rides the bus every day, you can be drained of your cash if you ride Mutual of Omaha."

*based on a true story. Names changed to protect the unknown.


Übermilf said...

I was hoping for more bus-based observations. Or wait, was Cindy McCain riding your bus this morning?

Randal Graves said...

This was a bus-based observation. I was looking for a suitable photo of a Blackberry attack, which did occur this morning, found this one, and voilà, instant Hollywoody embellishment.

Can you imagine me documenting snapshots of my life? You'd all die of boredom and I don't want to be labeled a murderer.

If C-word had been on the bus, I'd have tried to score some painkillers and be mellowing in the staff lounge right about now.

Spartacus said...

You need to get yourself one of those camera phones and send a text to your email address. I've been doing that lately to document some of the unbelievable (and believable but really arrogant) behaviors I see on my train commutes. As you recall, I've experienced all manner of train wrecks in my adult life.

MRMacrum said...

I keep wondering how I got along with just a three party line that became four or five if someone used the two public phones in town.

Dr. Zaius said...

Darn! I never have exact change. **grr**

Chef Cthulhu said...

Spartacus - naah, he needs to get an iPhone so he can take the pictures and blog them right then and there. Then he can text while listening to music and checking email and become that which he despises...

Randal Graves said...

spartacus, I imagine you see a lot worse stuff than I do. Including trains wrecking.

What was funny about this gig is that I'd actually side with the techno-gal because this chump was one of those "hey, I'm a complete stranger, let's have an exceedingly banal conversation where I dominate" types.

mrmacrum, what did you guys do when they added that treehouse-to-treehouse line?

dr. zaius, you are that guy! A pox upon thee!

chef, don't forget the Kindle! Reading actual, physical books is for luddites.

Liberality said...

fuck Kindle! I hate the kindle fucks!

JollyRoger said...

The Prescription Princess is also very fragile; so much as changing her facial expressions will result in a shattering of her exoskeleton.

Utah Savage said...

JollyRoger speaks the truth here. And what the hell are you talking about kindle. Don't you mean "kinder?" But if Lib hates kindle so do I! Fuck you kindle!

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

I'll take a transfer, please.



Beach Bum said...

Seeing Marlin Perkins and the Ice Queen in the same post reminds me of the Wild Kingdom episode in which Marlin and his partner had to wrestle a 15 foot python and nearly lost.

As for those kindles, they are just damn expensive.

susan said...

I've wondered why they chose to call the reading device a 'Kindle'. Didn't they see the inherent irony or remember 'Farenheit 451'?

I'm in the process of memorizing 'Bleak House' for posterity's sake.

Omnipotent Poobah said...

Yeah, but the offspring of the octopi told Laura Ingraham to "kiss her fat ass".

I've never been so proud of a member of the McCainus Assholis species before!

BTW, how come Marlin always stayed in the boat when Jim jumped in to wrestle the crocs?

S.W. anderson said...

Anyone notice McCain's tie? Must've been priced by the yard.

Grace Nearing said...

I'm in the process of memorizing 'Bleak House' for posterity's sake.

Susan, you are a brave, brave soul. Okay, who's up for Atlas Shrugged, Liberal Fascism, or PhotoShop for Dummies?

Christopher said...

I had Vicodin a few years ago when I had a root canal. I loved it and I felt grrrrrrrrreat!

I see how people get addicted to the stuff.

Randal Graves said...

liberality, preach it! (do we library employees have a good-natured slang term for each other?)

jolly, but isn't she the upgraded model with molded rubber flesh?

utah, oh, Kindle is another one of those evil technogizmos us luddites hate. You can download books to read on a screen. What the fuck is that blasphemy? The tactile joy, the feeling of immersing oneself in the text is gone. Fuckers.

tengrain, too bad, you have to purchase it when you first board the bus. Have fun walking!

BB, now I feel oddly compelled to check YouTube for old snippets that I can retrospectively tie to modern life.

susan, these robots are trying to hard to be clever, all part of their nefarious plan to usurp their creators.

My memory isn't very good so I'm going to try and memorize a Dr. Seuss book.

OP, it was an odd feeling, agreeing with her. But I kept on telling myself, it was only one action of thousands, so I shouldn't be too hard on myself.

'cause Marlin wasn't no fool.

grace, hell, the second one is easy: liberals = Hitler.

christopher, I think the ADA should call you for this comment, best ad for root canal I've ever read!

Distributorcap said...

are you insinuating that cindy mccain is an octopus

and is marlin perkins a fish?