Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Conundrum's dilemma

For the record, in case I ever run for office -- vote for me you assholes, for I will keep my campaign promises to grow fat from taxpayer cash and five-sided polygon kickbacks while heroically sparring (with or without tears, I haven't decided yet) the Boogeymen of the Week (I still need to "purchase" a reliable Swarthy-O-Meter) with my Super Magical Jesus Baby Swaddling Shield and Class Warfare Sword of Smiting Combo $19.95 at Wal-Mart -- I am pro-solar panel, yet anti-sun.

Having finished up the final drops of this last evening, I was overcome with a sadly temporary bout of grief, for it was a delicious, hypothalamus-distilled opaline. And then it hit my eye like a big-a pizza pie. Moon panels!


Übermilf said...

Are you sure you want to run for office? Think of the bikini waxing you'd require for the swimsuit competition portion of the campaign.


All those skeletons in the closet. You know which ones.

Tengrain said...

Graves, you swine!

Absinthe will do that to you everytime.



Mary Ellen said...

I think you should run for political office, we need a leader who will tell those damn college kids to stfu and go back to class instead of all that incessant protesting about legalizing marijuana. They should grow it in their basements themselves just like we did, the lazy asswipes.

Wait...does that mean we'll get a chance to see those center-fold photo's of you that you've been hiding?

Cormac Brown said...

As far as potent potables, this is what you should be imbibing.

It's perfect for the turbulence that is over, and in Vegas.

Randal Graves said...

übermilf, bah. I was thinking of going Old European, extra hairy.

Oh, I ground those bones into magical elixir dust years ago.

tengrain, will do what? Get off my lawn.

nunly, the only problem I have with legalization is that the inevitable taxes will only up purchasing more ivory backscratchers for Wall Street.

If you're into vomiting profusely, why not.

cormac, are you even allowed to drink anything in flight these days? What if the human body has evolved the ability to transform, say, water into nitroglycerin? Do you want the terrorists to win?

Holte Ender said...

Moon Panels? Shouldn't that be Moonar Panels?

Watch out for Absinthe, as Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec can testify, it makes your legs disappear.

S.W. Anderson said...

I think you'd get farther handing out Moon Pies while exhorting the masses to fill your campaign coffin.

Tom Harper said...

"pro-solar panel, yet anti-sun." Yes! At last I've found a politician who echos my exact sentiments. I was for the sun before I was against it.

thatgirl said...

speaking of world leaders, you might appreciate this piece of journalism on several levels.

thatgirl said...

sunshine said...

What's this about a naked picture of you??
I'll be needing to see that young man! :P


Hill said...

At least we'd know up front who we're voting for.


Beach Bum said...

I've lost track; who is the boogeyman of the week and where do I get a new schedule?

susan said...

I'm ready to vote for Mr. Burns next time so I'm sure you couldn't do worse. I'll have an extra burning cube on mine.

Liberality said...

Shouldn't you be anti-solar panel and pro-son? The son of god is mighty disappointed you aren't on his side you know!

Randal Graves said...

holte, oh, no matter. I sit most of the day, and for concertgoing, I'll simply invest in a pair of stilts.

SWA, can I put arsenic in the moon pies?

tom, Real Americans for Real America!

thatgirl, those are some of my most favoritest people.

sunshine, it's the one that would cause endless vomiting.

hill, exactly, you'll know right away that I plan on screwing the unwashed masses.

BB, next week? Oh jeez, I think it's time for Muslim hedonist gay hippies.

susan, I'm sure you remember the old jingle, only a moron wouldn't cast his vote for Mon-ty Burns!

liberality, given that he's been dead for two millennia, I'm not too worried about potential smiting.

nazareth priest said...

Randal: You should teach in a University in Rome; they go on strike like every other week, take to the streets, and trash the "al fresco" restaurants...lots of free time!!
I know.
I was in the midst of one these marches; several times...

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Dr. Zaius said...

I've seen Dr. Denton pajamas with moon panels in the back.